Pete Hautman Quotes & Sayings

How do you know it's not true if you don't believe in it? — Pete Hautman

Later it might see moronic, but at that time it all made perfect sense. — Pete Hautman

If you can imagine it, you're halfway there — Pete Hautman

Dear Miz Fitz,
My boyfriend is superhot so a lot of girls think up reasons to talk to him. It drives me ...
... Out of my Mind
Miz Fitz sez:
Maybe he is too hot for you. Send me his photo, name, and phone number. I will check him out and get back to you. — Pete Hautman

I don't know and probably never will know enough about the true nature of the universe to tell anyone else what to believe, and I've come to distrust the words of those who have presumed to do so. — Pete Hautman

He's kinda shy. Maybe I should ask him out."
"I think it's more traditional for you to trick him into asking you out. That way he feels more manly. — Pete Hautman

Dan is my ordinary friend. Everybody should have at least one ordinary friend and Dan is as ordinary as they come. He is so ordinary that most people have to meet him six or seven times before they remember his name. — Pete Hautman

Q: Why don't boys talk?
A: Boys do talk! You watch a group of them from a distance you will see that their lips are moving. They are probably making hand gestures as well. But what are they talking about?
I do my hare of talking with my guy friends, but I have no idea what we talk bout. guys have absolutely no short-term memory for conversations. This is why a girl can have a long, heart-to-heart talk with her sweetie, and the next day she makes some reference to what they talked about, and he looks at her with utter incomprehension and says, "Huh?"
The reason for this forgetfulness is that guys almost never anything in conversation that is worth remembering. — Pete Hautman

So who are you today? — Pete Hautman

We connect through our dreams. Like we could be a thousand miles apart and I'd still know you were there. — Pete Hautman

For example, if she joined the book club - there was always a book club - and hung out with them, her choice of guys would be limited to the dark and moody Chuck Palahniuk/Kurt Vonnegut/Life-Sucks-and-Then-You-Die brooders. — Pete Hautman

I don't even know what the word strange means anymore ... that's really strange. — Pete Hautman

He's a guy. He has built in testosterone issues. — Pete Hautman

People in groups are like sheep. Like, when your very best friend is surrounded by other people, she cares more about what everybody else thinks that she cares about you. The more people there are, the more they act like animals.
"That doesn't make sense."
"Sure it does. Have you ever heard of two guys getting in a fistfight when there's nobody around to watch? It never happens. It takes a crowd to bring out the beast. You can't trust anybody when you're not alone with them. Anybody. You have to know the boundaries. — Pete Hautman

Murphy's face went through several mutations as he spoke, as if small animals were scurrying about just beneath his skin. — Pete Hautman

I know that the World is a terrible place, filled with wild animals and evil men and wicked woman. — Pete Hautman

Yes, books are dangerous. They should be dangerous - they contain ideas. — Pete Hautman

So I sit and endure the stares and the pangs and twinges of Catholic guilt, knowing that I am doing the right thing if I'm right, and the right thing even if I'm wrong. Being Catholic is hard. Being ex-Catholic is even harder. — Pete Hautman

We were defined by what we did. What we had to do.
I think this is why guys like football, and why they join the army, because as long as you are playing the game or following orders you do not have to figure out who you really are. — Pete Hautman

TV was entertainment of the last resort. There was nothing on during the day in the summer other than game shows and soap operas. Besides, a TV-watching child was considered available for chores: take out the trash, clean your room, pick up that mess, fold those towels, mow the lawn ... the list was endless. We all became adept at chore-avoidance. Staying out of sight was a reliable strategy. Drawing or painting was another: to my mother, making art trumped making beds. A third choir-avoidance technique was to read. A kid with his or her nose in a book is a kid who is not fighting, yelling, throwing, breaking things, bleeding, whining, or otherwise creating a Mom-size headache. Reading a book was almost like being invisible - a good thing for all concerned. — Pete Hautman

Miz Fitz,
If my boyfriend would just once say "I'm sorry, I was wrong," I think I would die and go to heaven.
-Hellbound, a Lass
Miz Fitz sez:
You should wish for something realistic, like world peace. — Pete Hautman

You ever watch a football game and get totally into it? Why? It's not a real battle. It's just a game somebody made up. So how can you take it seriously? Or, you ever see a movie that made your heart about jump out of your chest? Or one that made you cry? Why? It wasn't real. You ever look at a photo of food that made your mouth water? Why? You can't eat the picture.
...
Same thing with water towers and God. I don't have to be a believer to be serious about my religion. — Pete Hautman

The first step to success it's to imagine it — Pete Hautman

I didn't know what to say, but one thing was for sure: The Bank of Ted was closed. — Pete Hautman

Guys have four personalities: the one they use with their parents, the one they use around other adults, the one they use for talking to girls, and the one they use for hanging with their friends. Leakage between the various personality types can cause serious problems. — Pete Hautman