Paula Poundstone Quotes & Sayings

My parents got carried away with the letter P when they were naming the kids in our family. There's me, Paula, my sisters Peggy and Patty, and my brother Pjimmy, spelled with a silent P. — Paula Poundstone

I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility. — Paula Poundstone

When a woman extends her hand for you to shake it, then you shake her hand. You do not turn it up and kiss it. And it is just so creepy. Because, you know, I handed it at this angle. I handed it at the handshake angle and so I'm not giving it to you to do whatever you want with it. I'm not loaning it to you. It's like if somebody borrowed your lawnmower and you're assuming they're going to use it to mow their lawn. You don't want to find out later they put it in the ocean! — Paula Poundstone

It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something interesting. — Paula Poundstone

I confess that when I first read that smog is particularly hazardous to children, senior citizens, and physically active people, for a brief moment I thought, I'm in the clear for at least ten years. — Paula Poundstone

There are those wonderful moments of clarity in life when one is reminded how irreparably flawed we humans are. Once, when I was nineteen, on the subway in Boston I lost my balance slightly and bumped into an elderly woman. I quickly apologized and she replied, "Well, hold on to something, stupid." There it is. That's it. That's it in a nutshell. I don't want to sound negative, but I think every fetus should be shown a film of that incident, maybe projected up on the uterine wall, and then asked if it wants to come out. I am a strong believer in a woman's right to choose, but I also think that in the last trimester, the kid should be given every opportunity to back out. — Paula Poundstone

The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep. — Paula Poundstone

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats. — Paula Poundstone

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. — Paula Poundstone

I like to work on New Year's Eve. It has a nice spirit; a nice feel about it. If you are all about the 'year-end' thing at all, then laughing with fellow human beings is a great way to start the new year. — Paula Poundstone

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do. — Paula Poundstone

My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, 'Well, dammit, we can't have nice things.' — Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going. — Paula Poundstone

I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy. — Paula Poundstone

I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say? — Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. — Paula Poundstone

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise. — Paula Poundstone

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way. — Paula Poundstone

I have short-term memory loss, though I'd like to think of it as Persidential eligibility. — Paula Poundstone

When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, and part of the problem is that anything that gets said reminds me of something that happened to me one time, and invariably I cut people off and talk about myself. — Paula Poundstone

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up 'cause they're looking for ideas. — Paula Poundstone

I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase "family values" and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away? — Paula Poundstone

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it. — Paula Poundstone

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd. — Paula Poundstone

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time. — Paula Poundstone

I happen to be a devout atheist. I don't believe in God. I still go to church
I'm not a heathen. I go to an atheist church. We have crippled guys who stand up and testify that they were crippled, and they still are. — Paula Poundstone

I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me. — Paula Poundstone

I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon. — Paula Poundstone

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long. — Paula Poundstone

It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose. — Paula Poundstone

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding. — Paula Poundstone

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out. — Paula Poundstone

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that. — Paula Poundstone

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies. — Paula Poundstone

The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don't think that's going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I'm looking around for the perfect parent and I haven't seen one yet. — Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California. — Paula Poundstone

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids. — Paula Poundstone

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off. — Paula Poundstone

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing. — Paula Poundstone

Speaking of happy successes, after years of struggling to lose those few extra pounds every mother puts on during adoption, particularly when the doctor orders bed rest, in 2004 I sent my assistant to the Gap in dark glasses with a fake ID to purchase my first pair of Easy Fit jeans. — Paula Poundstone

I made mistakes and I broke the law and I'm more than willing to pay a price for that. But there's a price beyond that that my children have paid, and that's not what was supposed to happen. — Paula Poundstone

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge. — Paula Poundstone

I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it. — Paula Poundstone

I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason. — Paula Poundstone

I don't believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that's indecision. — Paula Poundstone

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' — Paula Poundstone

It's funny that we think of libraries as quiet demure places where we are shushed by dusty, bun-balancing, bespectacled women. The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community. Librarians have stood up to the Patriot Act, sat down with noisy toddlers and reached out to illiterate adults. Libraries can never be shushed. — Paula Poundstone

Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots. — Paula Poundstone

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done. — Paula Poundstone

What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed. — Paula Poundstone

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome. — Paula Poundstone

The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community. — Paula Poundstone

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television. — Paula Poundstone

You know, in politics when you come in third, it's a win. — Paula Poundstone

I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that. — Paula Poundstone

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
— Paula Poundstone

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe. — Paula Poundstone

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it. — Paula Poundstone

If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player. — Paula Poundstone

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself. — Paula Poundstone

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled. — Paula Poundstone

The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer. — Paula Poundstone

I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen. — Paula Poundstone

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family. — Paula Poundstone

How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be. — Paula Poundstone

The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippings are biodegradable, but when they're bunched together at the landfill, they become badly influenced by other garbage. — Paula Poundstone

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them. — Paula Poundstone

I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities. — Paula Poundstone

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out. — Paula Poundstone

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded. — Paula Poundstone

I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone. — Paula Poundstone