Famous Quotes & Sayings

Paul Reiser Quotes & Sayings

Enjoy the top 85 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Paul Reiser.

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Paul Reiser Quotes 519493

We all hold on to some image of the family we want, based one way or another on the family we had. Lots of people are thrilled about the families they came from, others couldn't get away fast enough. Most people fall into that vast middle ground: great affection mixed with a few ideas for improvement. A couple of things they wish could have perhaps been done differently. — Paul Reiser

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The simple combination of letters and sounds you select as a name for your baby can result in a life of carefree coolness or decades of expensive therapy. Hi, I'm Jake versus Hi, I'm ... Tapioca — Paul Reiser

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There are two types of people in life - those who get it and those who don't. — Paul Reiser

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Why do you think people close their eyes when they kiss? Think about it. In the real world, if you saw someone an-inch-and-a-half away, coming at you with their eyes open and their lips puckered, you'd scream. It's alarming. — Paul Reiser

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I always loved comedy, but I never knew it was something you could learn to do. I always thought that some people are born comedians ... just like some people are born dentists. — Paul Reiser

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Get a good dog. We have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years. — Paul Reiser

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In fact, I had the idea because of Peter Falk. I saw my dad watching a Peter Falk movie and something clicked in my head. I gotta go make a movie for Peter Falk and me. — Paul Reiser

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It turns out most of the conclusions that I've come to in life have equally valid contradictions. I think it's true you need to make a plan, set a goal and stick to it, but I would also advise: Don't keep your eyes so fixed on your goal that you miss what sneaks up to surprise you, because magic will come from unexpected places. — Paul Reiser

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Younger kids, they understand that things aren't so perfect with their father or with their mother. — Paul Reiser

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But you get past that and realize you have to let go of what you think you want. There'll be plenty of time for that later. Right now, go and be with that baby. Just play with this beautiful little boy. — Paul Reiser

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The consumer mentality - we like something, what other flavor does it come in? We like that TV show, does it come in a book form? Does it come in a capsule? How about a soup? — Paul Reiser

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Upstate New York in the middle of October. You can't get more beautiful than that. — Paul Reiser

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She kind of reminds one of Helen. There's something very similar about Elizabeth Perkins. — Paul Reiser

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In the history of life, no good news has followed that sentence ["We have to talk."]. — Paul Reiser

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Sometimes it works out well, and certain household responsibilities fall naturally to those who like doing them.
For example, my wife likes to pack suitcases, I like to unpack them.
My wife likes to buy groceries, I like to put them away. I do. I like the handling and discovering, and the location assignments.
Cans - over there. Fruit - over there. Bananas - not so fast. You go over here. When you learn not to go bad so quickly, then you can stay with the rest of your friends. — Paul Reiser

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It's not like some movies where you're following a bunch of different stories you can cut around. There was nowhere to cut to. It's these guys. We're not cutting back to anybody else. — Paul Reiser

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In some cultures they don't name their babies right away. They wait until they see how the child develops. Like in Dances with Wolves. Unfortunately, our kids' names would be less romantic and poetic. This is my oldest boy, Falls off His Tricycle, his friend, Dribbles His Juice, and my beautiful daughter, Allergic to Nuts. — Paul Reiser

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New parents always sound like hucksters in a pyramid scheme. Anyone who has kids and then gets you to go and have kids gets a check from Huckster Headquarters. — Paul Reiser

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The best part of being married is ... you don't have to explain a lot of things. Those wordless moments when you both know that what you witnessed together is funny, idiotic, or really sweet. Being connected is pretty miraculous. — Paul Reiser

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The first time I tried to put a new diaper on my baby, I yanked the little Velcro strap too jerkily and actually punched the little guy in the jaw. A real solid shot, too. I knew instinctively that this could not be correct. Unless you're specifically trying to raise a welterweight, continual deliverance of powerful uppercuts is not advised when handling newborns. — Paul Reiser

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But at the same time that the experience is pulling you apart, it's also bonding you. You have this joint venture! You both made this baby. And that's the thing I still can't get over. — Paul Reiser

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Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together. — Paul Reiser

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People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry. — Paul Reiser

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Middle names are kind of like vice presidents: It's a fine distinction and certainly an honor, but you're never not aware that someone else got the real job. — Paul Reiser

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If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts. — Paul Reiser

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Field of Dreams is the only movie - and I saw it in the theater - on an afternoon when I was on location somewhere, and there were like 12 people in the theater. I was just so devastated; I couldn't get out of my seat. And I sat and watched it a second time. — Paul Reiser

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It was trying to make my tennis game look mildly respectable, which I found you don't even really need to practice if you have a really good editor. They can edit it and you're like, "Hey, it looks like I'm playing really well." That was the fun part, but it was like going to summer camp. — Paul Reiser

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The most rewarding part about being a dad is just looking at children who didn't exist at some point. The first time you saw them, they were the size of a quarter, in a sonogram, and now they can pour orange juice and yell at each other. — Paul Reiser

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The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox. — Paul Reiser

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We have such a long, familiar history with Peter Falk. The minute his mug is on that screen people smile. — Paul Reiser

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I'm not smart enough to write about something that didn't actually happen to me. But I couldn't write a space movie if you put a gun to my head. — Paul Reiser

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Nothing would make me happier if Peter Falk would finally win his Oscar for this. Not just as the writer but as a fan and a friend. It would be so great. — Paul Reiser

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They don't see that whole pattern. Worm/death. Worm/death. I would catch on. — Paul Reiser

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I've come to realize that making it your life's work to be different than your parents is not only hard to do, it's a dumb idea. Not everything we found fault with was necessarily wrong; we were right, for example, to resent, as kids, being told when to go to bed. We'd be equally wrong, as parents, to let our kids stay up all night. To throw out all the tools of parenting just because our parents used them would be like making yourself speak English without using ten letters of the alphabet; it's hard to do. — Paul Reiser

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Two or three times a week, I drive by the houses of numbers 78-100 just to rub it in, — Paul Reiser

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I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down. — Paul Reiser

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You know what? The obvious is obvious for a reason. — Paul Reiser

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That's the nice thing about doing stand-up. There's no development, you just go out there and get an immediate response as to whether something is good or bad. Getting a laugh is the best measure of how well you're doing. — Paul Reiser

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I'd distract myself until finally it was a combination of things. The show was over and I had time on my hands. I had taken time and played and just relaxed. — Paul Reiser

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People come up to us and ask how we knew so much about their own family ... I'm talking about people from faraway places, too. I get people from Turkey and Chile coming up to me and saying I wrote about their family. — Paul Reiser

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A new child in the house is a huge tourist attraction. It's like Disneyland, except there the lines are longer and no one brings casseroles. — Paul Reiser

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Parents often give middle names just so that later, when they're yelling at the kid, they can drag it out. Henry David Thoreau, you come in here this instant! — Paul Reiser

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Once in a while you get a moment of clarity - an inspiration - and they don't come that frequently. — Paul Reiser

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Over the years, there certainly have been plenty of ideas that I've had and given up on, but for this one, the only thing that was standing in its way was me doing it - I just had to write it ... And then if it didn't happen, it didn't happen. But I didn't want it to be for lack of effort on my part, so I had hunch that it would be a good story and that we would work well together. And it certainly worked out that way. — Paul Reiser

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And in that time, I lost my dad and had kids of my own. It was like, OK, I get it now. I know what fatherhood is all about. And you look at your parents differently. — Paul Reiser

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But I really felt that, something about the lights going down, and the sense of community. I saw this movie at one festival, and there were 1700 people. — Paul Reiser

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There's something very refreshing about being on stage. — Paul Reiser

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My wife would say my worst habit is that I'm not good at dropping subjects. If something bothers me, I'll bring it up endlessly and relentlessly. I think it's a search for clarity, but she uses different words. — Paul Reiser

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We made this movie for $17, and nobody got anything. So it never dawned on me that we would get real people. — Paul Reiser

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A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy. — Paul Reiser

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And after you've done the acting, there's a lot of places you can put your input - in the editing, in the production of it, in the rewriting of it and so on. — Paul Reiser

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I remember my wife and I used to get on plane and see everybody else with their babies. They'd be putting strollers and car seats up above, and we'd think: Oh, please Lord, don't make us go through that. — Paul Reiser

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Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway. — Paul Reiser

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Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy. In fact, my wife almost never ate either.So where did these craving come from? I concluded it's the baby, ordering in. — Paul Reiser

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Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption. — Paul Reiser

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You know, the fact that every morning you get a script in your mailbox, that's going to stop. All these little pedestrian, mundane things. And the cash. — Paul Reiser

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Happiness is the quiet lull between problems. — Paul Reiser

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So where did these cravings come from? I concluded it's the baby ordering in. Prenatal takeout. Even without ever being in a restaurant, fetuses develop remarkably discerning palates, and they are not shy about demanding what they want. If they get a hankering, they just pick up the umbilical cord and call. 'You know what would taste good right now? A cheeseburger, large fries, and a vanilla shake. And if you could, hurry it up, because I'm supposed to grow a lung in a half hour.' — Paul Reiser

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But the two of them together, broke my heart. Olympia and Peter, those scenes ... When they're kissing in their 20s and then kissing in their 70s, that's what it is. And they had never met five minutes before they shot those scenes. — Paul Reiser

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In the original draft I was 27 and Peter was 55 in the script. That's not the same as a guy in his 40s and a dad in the end of his 70s. It's a different point in both our lives. — Paul Reiser

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When my son said, "I can't stop thinking about girls," I said, "That's not gonna stop. Congratulations. You're in the club. From now until the day you die, one way or another you'll be thinking about girls. — Paul Reiser

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This is not the most right I've ever been. — Paul Reiser

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He was born early. But he was born within a safe range of premature. — Paul Reiser

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As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were. — Paul Reiser

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There's something that happens in that delivery room, when a woman becomes ten times more a woman, and a guy becomes six times less a man. You feel really dopey and useless and like a spectator. I did, anyway. — Paul Reiser

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Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not. — Paul Reiser

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Jerry Lewis played on the very first season of Mad About You, and he played basically himself, but he was called some other name. He said he's never done it; he'd never done a half-hour of [sitcom] television. This was 1992 or '93. And I said, "Well how is that?" And he goes, "Nobody ever asked me." It's like the pretty girl at the dance; everybody's too afraid to ask. — Paul Reiser

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When two people live in one place, their individual habits get amplified.
For example: I'm not lazy. But I don't like to move a whole lot. I mean, if I am doing something, I'll do it. I'm as active as the next guy. But if I'm sitting, I don't like to get up. Even if I'm facing the wrong way.
If I'm talking to someone whose chair isn't quite facing me, I'll talk to the side of their head. If I sit down and realize the TV is angled wrong, I won't get up to adjust. I'll watch it like that. I'll sit there and wait til someone walks by and ask them to move the TV. — Paul Reiser

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Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They just want to check if they're doing it right. "This is Sleeping, right?" "Exactly." "I just lie here?" "That's right." "Okay." Then back to sleep they go. — Paul Reiser

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I'd never directed before and this movie's too important to me to put in the hands of some guy who has never directed. Even if it's me. — Paul Reiser

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By shrewdly linking procreation to an act likely to make you stupid with excitement, God has seen to it that Life does indeed go on. It's possible, by the way, that this is why God's name comes up so often in the middle of the act; it's a salute to the author: Hey, whoever made this up - thanks. — Paul Reiser

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There was a period where our child's birth was getting really close, and we still had nothing. We were dangerously close to calling him Untitled Baby Project. — Paul Reiser

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I can't get past the fact that food is coming out of my wife's breasts. What was once essentially an entertainment center has now become a juice bar. — Paul Reiser

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When I'm writing for a book, it's much more reflective process. I have certain things that may not translate well to the stage, but, when they're on the page, people can really get into them. My first two books were aiming to be funnier, but the third was more about deep exploration. Things about being a parent and growing older that I thought would be perfect for a book. — Paul Reiser

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Not only do I sing to him, I sing entire conversations. You become Jerry Lewis. — Paul Reiser

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When people talk about wanting to have children someday, what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff. — Paul Reiser

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They're not the sharpest people - babies. So, you must be everything to them. — Paul Reiser

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The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push. — Paul Reiser

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The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering. — Paul Reiser

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Three has always been tougher than Two. Think of any of your famous threesomes. The Three Stooges? Look at the anger there. My bet is that before Curly was born, Moe and Larry could play together for hours without even a single poke in the eye. Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Donald Duck never had a moment's peace. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly? I rest my case. — Paul Reiser

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We had the boy's name picked out, but we didn't have a girl's. When he turned out to be a boy, we were so relieved. Literally, in the middle of contracting and pushing, and with my wife being drugged - out and half - lucid, we were still coming up with names. — Paul Reiser

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My parenting style could be described as not good cop or bad cop so much as nervous cop. I'm always yelling for somebody to stop because they're about to get hurt. I'm the take a jacket, slow down guy. — Paul Reiser

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From the minute we're born, boys and girls stare at each other, trying to figure out if they like what they see. Like parade lines, passing each other for mutual inspection. You march, you look. You march, you look. If you're interested, you stop and talk, and if it doesn't work out, you just get back in the parade. You keep marching, and you keep looking. — Paul Reiser

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When you realize you would consider not having a child just so you could take an occasional snooze and be available to see Batman Retires the same weekend it comes out, you have to take a good hard look at yourself and acknowledge, I am a shallow, shallow person. — Paul Reiser

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My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape. — Paul Reiser