Famous Quotes & Sayings

Nick Offerman Quotes & Sayings

Enjoy the top 100 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Nick Offerman.

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Famous Quotes By Nick Offerman

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We didn't have to do anything to have a good time. It's an incredible gift to be able to make your own fun. — Nick Offerman

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If there is a God, no part of the Bible or Christian doctrine will convince me of his existence half as much as the flavor of a barbecued pork rib. It is in that juicy snack that I can perhaps begin to glean a divine design, because that shit is delicious in a manner that can be accurately described as heavenly. — Nick Offerman

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I made an executive decision in college when I learned how behind I was in the world of books, films, and music because of my rural upbringing. I really reduced the amount of time that sports took up in my life.I still have some Faulkner to get through. — Nick Offerman

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I always drastically changed my look for each role. It's gotten a little tedious in real life, also, because there's no hiding. — Nick Offerman

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When we think of an actor, we think of a tanned, frosted-tipped, model-looking guy. We don't think of a plumber. — Nick Offerman

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How lucky my life is that I have two arms, and two legs, and ten fingers with which to make things out of wood. — Nick Offerman

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I never went too long without a job. The problem was a lot of the early jobs are almost more demoralizing than unemployment. — Nick Offerman

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When I was in fourth grade, we were learning vocabulary words, and the word nonconformist came up. The teacher said, "It's somebody who whatever everybody is doing, they do the opposite." I remember raising my hand and saying, "Mrs. Christiansen, I would like to be a nonconformist." — Nick Offerman

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When it comes to marijuana, I think it's ridiculous to live in a country that espouses freedom, liberty and equality, yet won't follow through on a philosophy that says: "If it's not hurting anybody or their property, you can do any goddamn thing you want." — Nick Offerman

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No matter how you decide to spend a little more time on your gestures of giving, the point is just quite simply that you do. — Nick Offerman

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When I arrive in Los Angeles in the entertainment community, and I use implements like a shovel and a hammer, our society has distanced itself so far from working with its hands that those incredibly pedestrian skills are perceived as somehow being extraordinary. — Nick Offerman

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I've had to learn and discipline myself that I'm much happier and much less depressed if I give myself a project. It's just that simple. — Nick Offerman

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For years I drove a big Ford F250 pickup. That was my ride because two-thirds of my work was wood work, and I'm always driving up to Northern California, where I harvest salvaged trees. — Nick Offerman

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Children are so egocentric - they want to watch their lives, and not yours. — Nick Offerman

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I'm quite excited to not play a Xena type character - it's probably closer to me than any character I've ever played. — Nick Offerman

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Men and women alike, if you think that altering the tip of your nose with surgery will make you happier, I would suggest you alter something much more malleable than your flesh, like your priorities, or your friends. — Nick Offerman

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I first read [Wendell Berry] short-story collections, "Fidelity" and then "Watch with Me." They just knocked my socks off. The characters and the fellowship of the small town reminded me of my own small town in Illinois.Then I discovered that, much like J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis, that all of Berry's fiction was centered in this same town. — Nick Offerman

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Follow your gut, make a choice, and throw yourself into it. If you make a mistake, then you have merely afforded yourself a valuable lesson. — Nick Offerman

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I am always so happy to be at 'SNL.' I still feel like a kid when I'm there, like I can't believe I'm watching them make the show. — Nick Offerman

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If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt. — Nick Offerman

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I think the whole thing is kind of sad, honestly, in the same way that our civilization - particularly the consumers of pop culture - has grown so used to an emasculated, bare-chested leading man that something like simply growing a mustache can impress people. — Nick Offerman

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My career is inexplicable to me. So far I've just been not getting fired despite being myself. — Nick Offerman

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I have a wonderfully hedonistic appetite, and if I wasn't really strict with myself, I'd weigh 300 pounds. I'm not good with moderation. — Nick Offerman

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The fact that I have a job that people even watch is an incredible gift. — Nick Offerman

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I come from the theater, where I got into acting because I love transforming. I love nothing more than to be unrecognizable. — Nick Offerman

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My education began in theater school, and it continues to this day. I just continued learning to be a better performer. — Nick Offerman

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If you always have something in your life that you're trying to improve upon, then every day you have a reason to get out of bed, and you have a reason to achieve something and feel good. — Nick Offerman

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I grew up among farmers in Illinois and so you always have to have the tools you might need in the eventuality of a flat tire or a broken window. — Nick Offerman

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The ultimate disguise is nothing. Nudity. — Nick Offerman

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There's a lot of common sense ... which I feel like we have lost touch with. — Nick Offerman

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Banding together with others to achieve a common pursuit cannot help but engender a strong feeling of community, whether you're baling hay or mounting A Chorus Line in a tiny theater space. — Nick Offerman

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When our citizens are determined to openly wear pistols on their belts to go shopping at Walmart, that signifies to me a failure on the part of the macho ideal. Ostensibly, the handgun is displayed to let evildoers know, in no uncertain terms, that this is not a person with whom to trifle. It then follows that the wearing of the pistol presumes a situation in which the bearer will need to shoot someone, rendering the brandishing of the weapon a badge of fear, does it not? It occurs to me that if we keep on turning to such "masculine" methodology to solve our conflicts, the only inevitable ending is a bunch of somebody's family lying in a bloody schoolhouse, movie theater, or smoking Japanese city. I guess we just hope it's not our family? I don't like the odds. — Nick Offerman

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I always call myself a "student" of the guitar. — Nick Offerman

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If I had more time, I'd watch more woodworking or home-improvement shows, but, not enough hours in the day. — Nick Offerman

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It's funny, growing up there was never anybody around me with any kind of artistic bent. — Nick Offerman

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Now, there are things I like just fine about church, and I don't just mean making money. The notion of getting together as a community to remind ourselves why we shouldn't behave like animals is a fucking great idea. — Nick Offerman

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I learned in my early years in the theater that I would never become the guy on top. I'll never create a show; I don't have a brain expansive enough to see the whole picture, in a way that would behoove anyone. — Nick Offerman

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When things get bad enough, all you can do is laugh. — Nick Offerman

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Technically, we're all half centaur. — Nick Offerman

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I really bridled when Parks And Rec became popular and woodworking publications wanted me to do stuff with them. — Nick Offerman

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We have such an embarrassment of riches when it comes to choice. Do you want to hike in the Alps? There are 300 pairs of shoes you can order within the next 10 minutes. You have your choice of everything. — Nick Offerman

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Human beings are not simple. We are, in fact, quite complicated. In recent American history, we have engaged in such contradictions as owning slaves, while declaring all people to have equal rights, while heading to church to pray for peace and tranquility, while dropping bombs on Middle Eastern nations to secure the oil we need to fuel our vehicles in order to drive to church. We're a mess, and we have to count ourselves as part of the whole, because we're all complicit. — Nick Offerman

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A moustache is a socialized way to say, Okay, look, I'll let you see most of my face, since that's what we're all doing right now, but if you would kindly direct you gaze to this thornbush above my mouth, you will be reminded that I am a fucking animal, an I'm ready to reproduce, or rip your throat out if called upon, because I come from nature. — Nick Offerman

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If you like comedy, go home and curl up with Leviticus. The writers of The Onion are handed Leviticus on their first day. — Nick Offerman

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I like to play women who are not strong at all, because, there's certainly plenty of myself that is no kind of a warrior. — Nick Offerman

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Just stand up for your principals and be loyal to your friends and family. — Nick Offerman

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How to Be a Man Step One: Eat a steak, preferably raw. If you can find a juicy steer and just maw a healthy bite off of its rump, that's the method that will deliver the most immediate nutrition, protein, and flavor. Make sure you chew at least three times. Step Two: Wash it down with your whisky of choice, preferably a single-malt scotch. — Nick Offerman

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When I hear young people today complain about being bored - and the things that keep them from being bored are generally exclusively videogames and/or computer pastimes - I just try to encourage them to go outside. — Nick Offerman

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I always had a lot of confidence in my work and the unique flavor I like to bring to my characters, but you know I'm not a huge dreamer. — Nick Offerman

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My family has schoolteachers and librarians, and I think people who teach are probably some of our greatest American heroes. Certainly, underpaid and unsung. — Nick Offerman

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I won't read a new graphic comic novel until the writer has completed the entire series. I got burned a few times when I got turned on to a book, plowed through it only to find out the author was in the middle of writing the next. — Nick Offerman

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Jack London is a very generous description of my small hiking, bicycling, and canoeing habit. I myself feel like a weak urbanite a lot of the time, because lots of my friends are incredible outdoorsmen and women. — Nick Offerman

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I come from a family of fishermen. Fishing is very important to us. We don't hunt. We're not gun folk. — Nick Offerman

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There have been a few occurrences where people in restaurants have sent me a rasher of bacon, which I am not going to turn my nose up at. I never let them down. — Nick Offerman

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I have a very healthy growth of both head and facial hair. People always want to attribute further superhuman powers to me. It's funny the way the audience really seems to want me, Nick the actor, to exhibit the same machismo as Ron Swanson. — Nick Offerman

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I really thought that I'd be doing Shakespeare, honest to God. I did not foresee the whole action television thing. That was God's joke. — Nick Offerman

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I'm opposed to a lot of the time that we as a civilization have come to spend looking at screens. For my money, life is much delicious damn near everyplace but inside that screen. — Nick Offerman

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I eat a bunch of spinach, but only to clean out my pipes to make room for more ribs, fool! I will submit to fruit and zucchini, yes, with gusto, so that my steak-eating machine will continue to masticate delicious charred flesh at an optimal running speed. By consuming kale, I am buying myself bonus years of life, during which I can eat a shit-ton more delicious meat. You don't put oil in your truck because it tastes good. You do it so your truck can continue burning sweet gasoline and hauling a manly payload. — Nick Offerman

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As The Book of the SubGenius (the main text of a hilarious faux religion based in Dallas - get The Book of the SubGenius) says, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke," right? — Nick Offerman

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Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something — Nick Offerman

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Believe me, I understand how fiendishly the Internet can tempt a body to indulge in diversion from one's responsibilities, more commonly known as iniquity. Idle hands are never the devil's workshop more than when those recumbent mitts are resting upon a computer keyboard. — Nick Offerman

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I keep having these bros come up to me and say, "I used to watch you when I was a fetus," and I just want to kill them. — Nick Offerman

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I don't get nominated, and I have to say, I've probably gotten the greatest mass of press in my life through not getting nominated. It's definitely been a winning situation as far as I'm concerned. — Nick Offerman

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Branding is quite an important thing. As an artist, you want to be able to explore facets of yourself. — Nick Offerman

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I spent a lot of my youth working outside in the elements, and I kind of revel in defeating tough weather. — Nick Offerman

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And what we've lost sight of is that performing manual labor with your hands is one of the most incredibly satisfying and positive things you can do. — Nick Offerman

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Before people figured out I was funny, I got cast quite a bit as either a rapist or serial killer or the guy who catches those people. — Nick Offerman

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Shut your damn mouth. — Nick Offerman

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Consider Herbert A. Simon, a right sharp scientific thinker, who did his thinking most frequently at Carnegie Mellon, by which I mean this chap was smart as shit. Check out some of his smart-thinks: "In an information-rich world, the wealth of information means a dearth of something else: a scarcity of whatever it is that information consumes. What information consumes is rather obvious: it consumes the attention of its recipients. Hence a wealth of information creates a poverty of attention and a need to allocate that attention efficiently among the overabundance of information sources that might consume it." A wealth of information creates a poverty of attention. Slogan-worthy. — Nick Offerman

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The world is split into two halves: the bacon, and the bacon eaters. — Nick Offerman

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No one will ever ask me to sing because it's beautiful. My secret is hiding my musicianship behind humor. — Nick Offerman

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What's amazing is that we have largely contained these urges to the point of successfully checking out of a crowded Whole Foods without decapitating that crunchy, granola-haired hustler dude trying to squeak fourteen items through the express lane WHEN THE SIGN CLEARLY STATES "TWELVE ITEMS OR LESS." YOU THINK WE AREN'T ALL GOING TO BE COUNTING YOUR FUCKING ITEMS, BRO?! — Nick Offerman

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Don't use barbiturates before going on stage. And be honest. — Nick Offerman

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Marijuana is quite possibly the finest of intoxicants. It has been scientifically proven, for decades, to be much less harmful to the body than alcohol when used on a regular basis (Google "Science"). — Nick Offerman

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Now, I know what you're thinking: Isn't this the guy who said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy"? Well, not exactly. This quote has been somewhat paraphrased and hijacked by many of our nation's craft breweries, and rightly so. It may be revisionist writing, but I for one am okay with it. What Franklin did write was, "Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards, there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine, a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy." Beer, wine . . . come on. Six of one, etcetera. He also coined the euphemism for drunkenness "Halfway to Concord," which tickles me to no end. That, my friends, is fun with words. — Nick Offerman

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Always maintain the attitude of a student. When a person thinks they have finished learning, that is when bitterness and disappointment can set in, as that person will wake up everyday wondering when someone is going to throw a parade in their honour for being so smart. — Nick Offerman

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Meat is a big deal in my life. I do love breakfast food, but I don't think that's extraordinary. I'm a normal American. We love eggs and meat and potatoes and gravy. — Nick Offerman

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I awaken. I consume oxygen, then bacon, eggs and black coffee, then my wife, then bacon. — Nick Offerman

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I learned as a young man that I don't write jokes, but that I can deliver more mundane material and get a laugh. I call myself a humorist. — Nick Offerman

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My uncles, who are farmers in Minooka, Illinois - I grew up with them and their pickup trucks and mustaches, and to me that was masculinity: big hairy sweaty guys who could pick up a bus. — Nick Offerman

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If you don't look at yourself and evaluate it, you instead see how the world's reacting to it. — Nick Offerman

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Whatever it is you like to do, that's the sexiest part of you. — Nick Offerman

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If properly dried and trimmed, New York-style pizza could be used to make a box for Chicago-style pizza. — Nick Offerman

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I'm enjoying the opportunity that 'Parks And Recreation' affords me to exploit my own soapbox agenda, which is to try to encourage people to make things with their hands. — Nick Offerman

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I don't put a great deal of stock in art trophies. — Nick Offerman

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Whatever the adversity, if a man is on hand to provide ease to a lady's cause, I think he's a shitheel if he stands idly by when she could use an umbrella, a handkerchief, or a steady arm. — Nick Offerman

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My life is always more delicious when I have whiskers on my face, but that might just be because those whiskers tend to accumulate bacon crumbs and scotch, rendering them literally delicious all day long. — Nick Offerman

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People are afraid that they're going to upset somebody on top, and so there's a real sense of, I've got to be quiet, I don't want to be fired. — Nick Offerman

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The technique is: Let the others go first. At the airport, at the grocery store, at the Pleasure Chest (hey-o!). The calmer I become, the more I enjoy my day. The more I enjoy my day, the more people enjoy me and the more they want to see me in my enjoyment. — Nick Offerman

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There are men who love out-of-doors who yet never open a book; and other men who love books but to whom . . . nature is a sealed volume. . . . Nevertheless among those men whom I have known the love of books and the love of the outdoors, in their highest expressions, have usually gone hand in hand. — Nick Offerman

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Jobs that require a suit upset me. They displease me much, as our world is rife with such superficial conformity. — Nick Offerman

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It's irrelevant to me if other people know who I am. I'm just, I'm really happy. It calms me down, too. If you're on top of an oilrig, fighting with politicians, or whatever - you need a bit of wisdom to realize that you're not always right, or that you're not always being reasonable, or you're not always listening. — Nick Offerman

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My wife happens to be probably the greatest working woman in comedy. I can't think of anyone who even approaches her achievements and her abilities. — Nick Offerman

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Choose your favorite spade and dig a small, deep hole, located deep in the forest or a desolate area of the desert or tundra. Bury your cell phone and then find a hobby. — Nick Offerman

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When I was in high school, I would perform every year in those plays and there was something I really loved about it. But I was completely unaware that you could sort of get into an acting career. — Nick Offerman

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My favorite rule from Sensei was "Always maintain the attitude of a student." When a person thinks they have finished learning, that is when bitterness and disappointment can set in, as that person will wake up every day wondering when someone is going to throw a parade in their honor for being so smart. As human beings, we, by the definition of our very natures, can never be perfect. This means that as long as we are alive and kicking, we can be improving ourselves. — Nick Offerman

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Of course smartphones are brilliant inventions, but the nefarious thing about Twitter and other social media is that it starts to fill all the gaps in your day. I quickly become an addict. — Nick Offerman

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Actually, I'm not super-kickass at a lot of things. — Nick Offerman

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Turn off your computer and go out of doors. Dig a large enough hole to transplant a mature apple tree. Nurture the tree, feed it, coddle it so that its fruit will be ample, bright and firm. Practice open-hand strikes against the rough bark of the trunk until it's time to harvest. Choose the champion of your apple crop, pluck it from the tree, and beat yourself about the face and tits with it until your mettle will suffice. — Nick Offerman

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Find out what makes you kinder, what opens you up and brings out the most loving, generous, and unafraid version of you - and go after those things as if nothing else matters. Because, actually, nothing else does. — Nick Offerman