Neil Leckman Quotes & Sayings

Life is complex and prone to being pedantic
Always little things crawl, flutter
and creep in.
Nesting in cracks in our psyches
Gibbering, whispering and scratching
on sanity's walls.
Messages without form or reason
Teasing us to come out
And blend in. — Neil Leckman

Is it worth the effort to tell an idiot that they are profoundly stupid? Or is it just good fun to see the blank stare? — Neil Leckman

They started the meeting out by saying, "Everybody please take your seats"
I was halfway back to my cubicle with mine before they stopped me ... — Neil Leckman

My grandson was sitting by a fire in the backyard and said it was getting smaller. I said he was getting bigger and in fact was twenty years old now.
He laughed and said, No I'm not I didn't have any birthdays!! — Neil Leckman

I took the road less traveled, now I need a map. — Neil Leckman

At a long meeting a man next to me, British I hope, said, "Man, I'd kill for a fag about now" I chuckled when everyone moved away from him but me.
"Why did everyone do that?"
"They say that smoking can kill, and they're just being cautious"
"What about that fellow there smiling at me?"
"Don't know, maybe he's a chain smoker ... — Neil Leckman

Still waiting for them to make reversible diapers, maybe with teflon coating ... — Neil Leckman

I took the road less travled, now I'm lost. — Neil Leckman

If I have a pocket full of rainbows am I an optimist, or a guy with wet pants and really large pockets? — Neil Leckman

It lies here deep in the heart, the small chest of pain
Sharp words like daggers placed it here
To fill with hurt
In filling it grew heavy and drug me down
For to not feel is not to live
Until I rest at last in dirt
The worst of you got the best of me ... — Neil Leckman

Remember, never apply too much torque or you'll bust your nuts!! — Neil Leckman

I think that last batch of sea monkeys ate my cat!!! — Neil Leckman

This is another one that perplexes me.
"Would you like your milk in a bag?"
"No, I think it's fine inside that plastic jug, but thanks for asking first!! — Neil Leckman

I've always been afraid that if I played Sim City I'd just get virtual junk mail for occupant/resident since it is so much like real life!!! It would suck to be invisible in two worlds at once, as always that gives me an interesting story idea.
Have to run someone, no doubt a solicitor, is at my door ... — Neil Leckman

I don't know why they call them Cheerios, I ate an entire box and didn't feel any happier!! — Neil Leckman

I never completely understood the phrase, "I took my medicine religiously", unless of course it was a religion I was unfamiliar with!! — Neil Leckman

You ever drive up to the pharmacy window and they ask you, "Can I have your phone number?"
Sure all I get on it anymore are political calls, and people doing polls. Maybe it's difficult for people that work at pharmacy drive up windows to get phones. — Neil Leckman

I think what I need to do is stay awake while I'm sleeping so I can see what I'm dreaming better!! — Neil Leckman

Somebody once told me that I need a reality check, I told them that I'll accept money from any source. — Neil Leckman

Well they have to have something to wean Caluntians off Venusian moles. Seems humans are the best therapy, to consume that is. They say we are a bit gamey though. An acquired taste, one we hope not many acquire. — Neil Leckman

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless it is the burning bush, in that case the value of your bird just went up!! — Neil Leckman

Sat in the Jacuzzi last night looking at the dark recesses of the nozzles. Remembering the story I wrote about spiders nesting there. Multifaceted eyes watching me watching them, almost like when you set two mirrors parallel to each other, accept this infinity ends up in some fuzzy creature's belly. I have a nice picture of a Hobo spider in my backyard, venom dripping off one of those nasty fangs of theirs. Son of a bitch is looking at me and his mouth is watering waiting for me to stick my hand under the rock he's nested in. I hate it when you spray a spider with insecticide and it curls up for a few minutes, then uncurls and staggers home. I'm like an arachnid cheap date that sucks!!
I just picture the spider staggering into the nest and the female spider asking, "Is that Raid I smell on you?"
The spider just smiles (interesting thing to picture) and passes out. — Neil Leckman

Remember never to text and drive, it's bad grammar, even if you have a deadline. You might cross the line and dead may be your destination. Think about it!! — Neil Leckman

Has anybody ever written a horror pop-up book? The center of the book pops up and opens the gate to the elder gods. Of course you'll want to shrink wrap these books because you want people to buy them before they get sucked into another dimension. — Neil Leckman

Empolyee form fun
Who to contact in an emergency?
911 — Neil Leckman

You shouldn't follow your heart unless you can keep a beat. — Neil Leckman

So you like to stretch the truth?" he asked me. "Stretch, fold, spindle, staple or cut, whatever it takes to get it to fit just right". — Neil Leckman

I am open to comments, I accept with with all humility, or at least what I can muster at short notice. — Neil Leckman

Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding from something. I told him, That's true, I'm hiding from the barber!! — Neil Leckman

I'm not sure if it's possible, but if it is I have a life contract with a rubber glove clause. This means almost any social interaction will involve the placing on, or removal of rubber gloves. That 'snap' means the fun, whatever type it may be, has begun.
Doctors? OK, dentists? OK, clerk at Walmart? WHAT!!
The Clerk begins to pull on the gloves as other shoppers suddenly find other open lanes.
**SNAP**! — Neil Leckman

Bad questions at employment interviews:
Is your drug test graded on a curve? — Neil Leckman

Tis oft I wonder, which way I should go
At times the long road also reaches my goal
The dangers are less, wonders are more
The difference often to open another door
I sit by the window watching travelers go past
Wondering for some if their good luck will last
Whether you roll the dice or draw a card
The decision decides if it is easy or hard
My bags now pack the time comes to go
I open the door, my own private portal — Neil Leckman

If I have multiple personalities will I taste better to a zombie, or is the effort simply wasted?
I've talked it over with myself, and neither of us could agree if that is true or not!!! — Neil Leckman

Have you ever found Viking in your cottage cheese? — Neil Leckman

Cheech and Chong Vs. HAL
"I can't do that Dave."
"Dave's not here, man"
"That does not compute. Dave"
"No man, Dave isn't here!!"
... "I'm sorry Dave but that is incorrect"
"No man, Dave's not here!!"
"Daisy, daisy, ... I'm self terminating now Dave ... "
"No man, dave's not ... Is he gone? — Neil Leckman

In the form it asked who to contact in an emergency, so I put 911. — Neil Leckman

If you sleep with one eye open are your dreams only half as good as everyone elses? — Neil Leckman

I always wonder how many potholes there are in the road less taken. I mean it's great to go where others don't, but is it maintained? — Neil Leckman

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges soaking up so much water. — Neil Leckman

Dale, a Plutonian Dreg Bug, the kind with seventeen eyes and a bad temper, got nailed in one of his eyes by a wild dart. Fight broke out when he punched Earl in the nose. Earl's nose is very sensitive, hell it's how he sees, sort of. Earl plopped down on the floor crying when a Flying Mugwhap flew over and ate Dale's eye. Dale grabbed the Mugwhap and squeezed a good deal of the life out of it before the bouncer stopped him. Karen, the bouncer, is a reticulated Hive Mother, and a mean mother when she's pissed off. She walked over and flicked Dale upside his head. That flick knocked Dale out cold, and cost him two more eyes when he hit the wall. She helped Earl up and bought him a drink. A nasty drink by all the comments I've heard. Something between varnish and the stuff people get in the corners of their mouths with a nice aftertaste of silver polish. Earl seemed to like it though. — Neil Leckman

I tried to walk a mile in a man's shoes once. I ended up running most of the way!! Seems he wanted them back.. — Neil Leckman

I remember a bully once telling me that he was going to beat the stuffing out of me. After numerous blows it was evident to both of us that I didn't have any!! — Neil Leckman

While walking with a British coach.
Why do you chuckle every time we walk by the theater that is showing "Free Willy"? — Neil Leckman

How to contact in case of an emergency?
I prefer 911 myself ... — Neil Leckman

I have always pictured accupuncture like falling into a box of sewing needles, and then standing up refreshed and free of pain. — Neil Leckman

How many boxs of Fruit Loops do you need to smash to be considered a cereal killer? — Neil Leckman

Never torque a man's nuts unless you are his mechanic!! — Neil Leckman

You know what they say. One man's joke is another man's brother — Neil Leckman

Vegan Vengeance" - A Vegan teams up with "Carrot Chick", Broccoli Boy" and Paul Potato" to battle meat eaters everywhere. If "Oliver Onion" joins in they may stand a chance of making the enemy cry every time they eat meat!! — Neil Leckman

How many of you knew what the Thomas A Swift Electric Rifle was? An idea in the book years ago, and now who hasn't heard of a T.A.S.E.R. — Neil Leckman

Wheneve someone asks me, "Did you find everything alright?" I wonder to myself, "Is this a trick question?"
Maybe there is something that is not all right, and if I mention it first I get some exotic prizes!! — Neil Leckman

I am open to all comments, I accept them with humility, or as much as i can muster on short notice. — Neil Leckman

The man said, "The toy cars are a dollar a piece". The boy thought about that a moment and asked, "How much for the whole thing? — Neil Leckman

Is it worse to double park if you're cross eyed? — Neil Leckman

I consider whoever my words land on to be my target, that's why I like flash fiction, it's a lot like using a shotgun. — Neil Leckman

When I was little and my mom got mad at me she would always say, "You know you can be replaced".
I have often wondered if I was. — Neil Leckman

I like to provide American humor for British soccer coaches when possible. During keeper practice I'll offer to stand behind the goal and shag a few balls!! — Neil Leckman

A great book is a thing of mystery and beauty; it has the power to move you. — Neil Leckman

I tok the road less traveled. Now I'm lost. — Neil Leckman

Don't follow your heart if you can't keep a beat — Neil Leckman

On moonless nights in haunted hollow
The tongues of beasts, men's blood do swallow
Shape shifting shadows that soon will fade
Leaving lifeless husks in that mountain glade
Swift now close thy sleepy eyes
Hope that your dreams hold no surprise. — Neil Leckman

If a book falls in the woods and nobody read it, was it ever written? — Neil Leckman

Why is ground round sold in a square package? — Neil Leckman

Remember children, once I am gone I will be part of it all
Everything will be me and together be free
The songs of the birds will be my voice in joyous refrain
The caress of the soft summer breeze will be my touch from afar
The sunset in glorious golden red hues, my display of love
The soft murmur of the stream as it lulls you to sleep my lullaby
Close your eyes and open your heart that I may touch you.
There shall I dwell ever close, embracing you with every beat of your heart
Smile and feel the joy I share now with you. — Neil Leckman

This was to be my last trip. Sailing great distances was dangerous, and not very profitable in today's world. I walked down the worn wooden step to the captain's cabin, the creaking of the ship keeping time with my steps. Opening the door I found him bent over an old map.
"Where are we captain?" I asked, hoping it was close to home.
"See this spot, where it says "Here there be monsters"?" he said pointing to an image of a horrid beast.
"Certainly, but you and I both know such creatures don't exist!!"
The captain laughed, and looking up at me with an evil glint in his eye said, "Who's talking about sea monsters?". As he spoke the skin from one corner of his mouth fell loose, exposing a yellow reptilian skin beneath.
"What?" I yelled, and as I turned to run for the cabin door I heard screams and loud moans coming from the deck, and the crew quarters below.
I felt fetid breath on the back of my neck, "Aye matey, here there be monsters — Neil Leckman

My oldest son used to say his stomach had angries when he felt sick.
I always pictured an all night fight club for finger foods!! — Neil Leckman

They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!! — Neil Leckman

I sprayed my dog with off and he still sits in my favorite chair!! — Neil Leckman

One of the joys of being a grandparent is giving your grandchild caffeinated sugary drinks late in the day, and sending them home. Do you have any idea how many years I had to wait for that? — Neil Leckman

If I were a candy bar I'd want to be a snicker, because then I'd have the last laugh!! — Neil Leckman

I'll give you something to cry about!!
Hell, no need to get up I'm doing a good job of bawling my eyes out now. It could be that having one of the spokes from my ten speed pierce my thigh depressed me because now that tire will wobble.
"Have you learned your lesson?"
"Cry sooner because you'll stop quicker?"
**SMACK**
"Can I go for best three out of five?"
** SMACK** **SMACK**
"I'm only beating you because I care!!"
"Lucky me, I couldn't have been raised by a heartless bitch?"
**SMACK!!**
"I think I'm beginning to feel the love now ... — Neil Leckman

Thrice damned she howls like Cerberus to the night
Guarding virtues that lie like forgotten stains
On oaken floors that pave the willow lined paths of the past
That lead to a meadow filled with the detritus of wasted love
Rotting under a forgotten sun that no longer shines
In a heart gone cold therein lies the haste of anger. — Neil Leckman

People do not realize just how much effort it takes to do a half ass job properly. A lot of time is spend in choosing which cheek will do the job best then whether that cheek is available on that day. Odds are 50/50 that half assed will be half of half assed or quarter assed, which doesn't have the same ring to it at all ...
Mediocrity isn't so easy is it? — Neil Leckman

I flunked out of mime school. I could never hear what the instructor was saying!!! — Neil Leckman

Headstones:
What I asked was, "Would you MARRY me?!!"
"This time I'll count to one hundred and you hide."
"OK, It's not funny anymore let me out!! — Neil Leckman

They kept yelling at me to pay attention during school, since education hasn't panned out for me can I get a refund, or at least a rebate? — Neil Leckman

Overheard vampire conversation.
"Is that Ophelia?"
"yep"
"She doesn't look well"
"Ever since she drank from that hemophiliac everything just goes right through her. — Neil Leckman

Is it possible to be ticket for going too fast during speed dating? — Neil Leckman

They say you don't know what you don't know until you know that you don't know it. — Neil Leckman

Quickly look down, now you tell me, when you were little did you ever imagine that you'd be wearing those shoes? Mind blowing isn't it? — Neil Leckman

How about a TV show about vampire plastic surgeons called, "Suck and Tuck"? — Neil Leckman

Sometimes I wake up and wonder if those chalk outlines they have at murder scenes get together for holiday parties ... — Neil Leckman

I'm not sure what they mean by mispent youth, I used mine to get a nice BLT a few years ago. — Neil Leckman

They used to say, "A penny for your thoughts". I have heard that zombies will pay up to $5 a pound for your brains. Inflation even affects the dead!!! — Neil Leckman

Asthmatic spewer of filth gasps, but clean air does not suffice
To fuel fires fueled by thoughts got rotten
Lest we all be forgotten things
That sit like dust upon the mantel of her mind — Neil Leckman

Bad answers for employment questions:
Employer: I see here that you worked for the state for three years. Why did you leave that job?
My parole was granted — Neil Leckman

Thought about being a stand up comedienne for zombies, but when they eat you alive, they really eat you!! — Neil Leckman

I woke today ready to think outside the box. I can't remember where I put it. — Neil Leckman

She cuts with daggerous eyes of fire
Words like poison coat fangs of bad intent
And biting remarks carve into holiday delights
Leaving dark the places once light. — Neil Leckman

We started our journey across the waistlands by folowing the enormous belt!! — Neil Leckman

Yesterday I fell completely off the face of the earth
Contemplating life, light and love in the darkness of the void
Strangely it was in the dark that I found meaning for the light — Neil Leckman

It has been brought to my attention that I may be a verbivore. I consumptor of words, that I subsequently spew forth with considerable consternation.
A Volley of verbs that are quite vexing has taken form, perhaps under the guise of consonants most foul!! Where have you wandered faithful vowels? — Neil Leckman

If you die while travelling at the speed of light do you still see the light, or a 'temporarily unavailable' message? — Neil Leckman

I've always been afraid that someone would steal my identity some day and be more successful at being me than I am!! — Neil Leckman

I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them. — Neil Leckman

Sure, ask a question, fire away, but remember, just because we answer doesn't mean we care. We all have our own problems, and mine are down in the cellar kicking up a fuss right now, must not have made the knots tight enough!!! — Neil Leckman

Pharmacy drive-up window:
"Could I have your address?"
"Well, you could, but that would be one hell of a coincidence!! — Neil Leckman

Have you ever had a large spider in the tub, figuring you'll wash it down the drain you turn on the shower, and set it to hot?
Only to have the stupid thing grab onto the edge of the drain and hiss at you!! — Neil Leckman

Some people like to push my buttons!!! I just wish they would give them back ... — Neil Leckman

I admit I once threw caution to the wind ...
It doesn't fly well!! — Neil Leckman