Famous Quotes & Sayings

Milton Berle Quotes & Sayings

Enjoy the top 100 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Milton Berle.

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Famous Quotes By Milton Berle

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I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost. — Milton Berle

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My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!" — Milton Berle

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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. — Milton Berle

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Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. — Milton Berle

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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. — Milton Berle

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We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. — Milton Berle

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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? — Milton Berle

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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. — Milton Berle

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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side? — Milton Berle

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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. — Milton Berle

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I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.' — Milton Berle

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At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked. — Milton Berle

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I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. — Milton Berle

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The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand. — Milton Berle

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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together — Milton Berle

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They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. — Milton Berle

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She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it. — Milton Berle

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Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less. — Milton Berle

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Laughter is the best medicine in the world. — Milton Berle

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I have a file of four million jokes ... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it. — Milton Berle

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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. — Milton Berle

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Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. — Milton Berle

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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea. — Milton Berle

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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign. — Milton Berle

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A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!" — Milton Berle

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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine. — Milton Berle

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What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies. — Milton Berle

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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter. — Milton Berle

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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. — Milton Berle

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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins. — Milton Berle

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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? — Milton Berle

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My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe. — Milton Berle

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Radio ... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people ... who fortunately can't reach me. — Milton Berle

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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank? — Milton Berle

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When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!" — Milton Berle

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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in. — Milton Berle

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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle

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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here? — Milton Berle

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Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work. — Milton Berle

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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids! — Milton Berle

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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss. — Milton Berle

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You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation — Milton Berle

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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year." — Milton Berle

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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now. — Milton Berle

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I live to laugh, and I laugh to live. — Milton Berle

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The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. — Milton Berle

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My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it? — Milton Berle

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My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. — Milton Berle

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I don't date women my age. There aren't any. — Milton Berle

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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away. — Milton Berle

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People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed. — Milton Berle

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One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along? — Milton Berle

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I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair. — Milton Berle

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Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering. — Milton Berle

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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat. — Milton Berle

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My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce. — Milton Berle

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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. — Milton Berle

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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list. — Milton Berle

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My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. — Milton Berle

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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words. — Milton Berle

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Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious. — Milton Berle

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Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient — Milton Berle

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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods! — Milton Berle

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I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong. — Milton Berle

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When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door — Milton Berle

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The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever. — Milton Berle

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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't. — Milton Berle

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Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce. — Milton Berle

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You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway. — Milton Berle

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My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother. — Milton Berle

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. — Milton Berle

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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car. — Milton Berle

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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome. — Milton Berle

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Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. — Milton Berle

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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. — Milton Berle

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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working. — Milton Berle

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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. — Milton Berle

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If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit. — Milton Berle

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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle. — Milton Berle

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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. — Milton Berle

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Laughter is an instant vacation. — Milton Berle

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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth. — Milton Berle

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Remember when you had your face lifted ... and the guy brought it back. — Milton Berle

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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that. — Milton Berle

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An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it. — Milton Berle

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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. — Milton Berle

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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"
"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them! — Milton Berle

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There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer. — Milton Berle

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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. — Milton Berle

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Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. — Milton Berle

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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included. — Milton Berle

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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December. — Milton Berle

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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones. — Milton Berle

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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached. — Milton Berle

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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift." — Milton Berle

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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how. — Milton Berle

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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble. — Milton Berle

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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list — Milton Berle

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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs. — Milton Berle

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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help. — Milton Berle