Milton Berle Quotes & Sayings

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost. — Milton Berle

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!" — Milton Berle

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. — Milton Berle

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. — Milton Berle

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. — Milton Berle

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. — Milton Berle

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? — Milton Berle

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. — Milton Berle

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side? — Milton Berle

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. — Milton Berle

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.' — Milton Berle

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked. — Milton Berle

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. — Milton Berle

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand. — Milton Berle

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together — Milton Berle

They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. — Milton Berle

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it. — Milton Berle

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less. — Milton Berle

Laughter is the best medicine in the world. — Milton Berle

I have a file of four million jokes ... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it. — Milton Berle

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. — Milton Berle

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. — Milton Berle

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea. — Milton Berle

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign. — Milton Berle

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!" — Milton Berle

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine. — Milton Berle

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies. — Milton Berle

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter. — Milton Berle

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. — Milton Berle

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached. — Milton Berle

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help. — Milton Berle

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift." — Milton Berle

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. — Milton Berle

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working. — Milton Berle

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how. — Milton Berle

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble. — Milton Berle

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. — Milton Berle

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list — Milton Berle

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs. — Milton Berle

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. — Milton Berle

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome. — Milton Berle

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins. — Milton Berle

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car. — Milton Berle

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. — Milton Berle

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones. — Milton Berle

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December. — Milton Berle

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit. — Milton Berle

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle. — Milton Berle

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. — Milton Berle

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included. — Milton Berle

Laughter is an instant vacation. — Milton Berle

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. — Milton Berle

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth. — Milton Berle

Remember when you had your face lifted ... and the guy brought it back. — Milton Berle

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that. — Milton Berle

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. — Milton Berle

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it. — Milton Berle

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer. — Milton Berle

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"
"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them! — Milton Berle

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. — Milton Berle

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids! — Milton Berle

I don't date women my age. There aren't any. — Milton Berle

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. — Milton Berle

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it? — Milton Berle

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. — Milton Berle

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live. — Milton Berle

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now. — Milton Berle

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year." — Milton Berle

You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation — Milton Berle

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss. — Milton Berle

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away. — Milton Berle

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work. — Milton Berle

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here? — Milton Berle

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in. — Milton Berle

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!" — Milton Berle

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank? — Milton Berle

Radio ... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people ... who fortunately can't reach me. — Milton Berle

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe. — Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? — Milton Berle

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words. — Milton Berle

You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway. — Milton Berle

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce. — Milton Berle

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't. — Milton Berle

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever. — Milton Berle

When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door — Milton Berle

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong. — Milton Berle

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods! — Milton Berle

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient — Milton Berle

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious. — Milton Berle

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother. — Milton Berle

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. — Milton Berle

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list. — Milton Berle

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. — Milton Berle

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce. — Milton Berle

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat. — Milton Berle

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering. — Milton Berle

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair. — Milton Berle

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along? — Milton Berle

People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed. — Milton Berle