Mike Birbiglia Quotes & Sayings

The economy of film forces you to make choices. — Mike Birbiglia

You don't really see sleepwalking in films that often. It's weird; I feel like in popular culture we have the perception of sitcom, arms-in-front-of-your-body sleepwalking, and then maybe Olive Oil and Popeye when she sleepwalks through the construction site. But it's all very cartoonish, in some cases literally. — Mike Birbiglia

I feel like everyone wants to make a movie that they feel passionate about watching. — Mike Birbiglia

I am intimidating no one in America. No one feels like they are below me in any way. They feel like they are absolutely either at or above my level and 100-percent comfortable talking to me. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm a comedian, and the other comedians are played by comedians, the same way that in 'Once' there are the musicians that hang out together. — Mike Birbiglia

So I'm standing in a tree thirty feet above the pond with my three friends and my friend Pat says, "Dude, jump!" And I look down at the water, which is so far away, and I say, "That doesn't seem like a good plan." And they said, "Dude, we already jumped, it's no biggie. What's the worst thing that could happen? It's only watah" (that's "water" with a Boston accent), which is really flawed logic, that watah logic. I learn later that many bad things historically have happened in water. Shark attacks. Drowning. Bad sex. But my friend Nick makes an argument that in Massachusetts is irrefutable. He's like, "Do it." So I do. — Mike Birbiglia

When I started out, I really struggled as a comic because no one knew who I was, and sometimes I was telling stories, so it would take a while for people to get on board for things. — Mike Birbiglia

High school is not unlike a Mormon fundamentalist cult where the women are claimed by the older and more powerful. — Mike Birbiglia

I gravitated toward stand-up because there's no overhead. I mean, literally, there's no overhead: Often, you're outdoors performing in front of groups of people. — Mike Birbiglia

When I was growing up, I didn't know who Jewish people were, what it was to be Jewish. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No ... got any Snapple?' — Mike Birbiglia

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it. — Mike Birbiglia

It sounds so nerdy and pathetic, but what I always do on Sunday afternoon is bring my inbox down to zero, which is so sad. But e-mail has become like homework for adults. I'll have 141 messages from people who will be offended if I don't write back. — Mike Birbiglia

I feel like being a door person was like college in a sense. I could watch comedy on a professional level seven nights a week without paying, and they would pay me a nominal amount of money to be there. — Mike Birbiglia

Once you know how to make a movie, you can't not make a movie. — Mike Birbiglia

And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health. — Mike Birbiglia

Directing your first film is like showing up to the field trip in seventh grade, getting on the bus, and making an announcement, 'So today I'm driving the bus.' And everybody's like, 'What?' And you're like, 'I'm gonna drive the bus.' And they're like, 'But you don't know how to drive the bus.' — Mike Birbiglia

With a monologue, you can be unendingly elliptical. — Mike Birbiglia

I think the reason why I'm so alluring to networks is because on the surface I'm like a quintessential relatable, boring white guy. A great many sitcoms have been anchored by a boring white guy, so I feel like what they want to mine from me are my more generic qualities. — Mike Birbiglia

I couldn't recommend more that people put themselves in a situation where they can see a lot of work that they admire, and for free. — Mike Birbiglia

'Terminator 2' is so good. I love it. — Mike Birbiglia

Nothing that you want ever is what you think it is. — Mike Birbiglia

How many people do you know who have thrown up on the Scrambler or a carnival ride? A lot of people, is the answer. — Mike Birbiglia

Every sleep doctor I've talked to said it was an urban legend that you shouldn't wake up a sleepwalker. All that will happen is that you will get condescended to. — Mike Birbiglia

Every comedian comes to a fork in the road where they have to decide if they're going to make jokes about other people or make jokes about themselves. I chose myself. — Mike Birbiglia

It used to be that if you got on 'The Tonight Show,' your career was made. Now, if you're on 'The Tonight Show,' maybe 14 more people show up to your gig in Tulsa. — Mike Birbiglia

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!" — Mike Birbiglia

When I met my wife, I was a working comic, so the first week we went out, she saw me perform, and it was very clear what I do. — Mike Birbiglia

I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!' — Mike Birbiglia

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea. — Mike Birbiglia

Once you've made your first feature, you know what you can do wrong and how hard it is to shoot a feature. Before you do it, you just don't know how hard it is. Once you've done it, when you're writing a second one, it's almost like you're preparing, and it's almost holding you back. — Mike Birbiglia

When I was in high school I saw Steven Wright, a brilliant one-liner comedian, and I thought: 'That's what I should do; I should write one-liners.' And I did. My first album is mostly one-liners. — Mike Birbiglia

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat." — Mike Birbiglia

My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm unable to do the thing that Broadway actors do in plays, sometimes for years. The same exact blocking, the same exact lines. I'm a little bit uncomfortable with that. Every night I'm looking for ways to try something else. — Mike Birbiglia

I think spending a lot of time with my mom, who's a talker and a storyteller, and my dad, who has kind of a soft-spoken, understated sense of humor, I think that's how I became what I am, which is sort of an understated storyteller. — Mike Birbiglia

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.' — Mike Birbiglia

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one. — Mike Birbiglia

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore! — Mike Birbiglia

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math. — Mike Birbiglia

The moment I walk into a room, I have kind of like the Terminator's tracking system for where the food is, and I can get there immediately. — Mike Birbiglia

If you're asked something on a movie set and you say 'I don't know,' you lose confidence in every department. What you need to say is 'I'll have that for you in five minutes.' — Mike Birbiglia

My writing process is very feedback-based. When I do stand-up, I listen to the audience. I try to understand what's connecting, what's not connecting, and then rewrite, rewrite and rewrite. — Mike Birbiglia

My dad goes through war novels like I go through boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. — Mike Birbiglia

I majored in screenwriting and playwriting in school - and wanted to make films as a career. But when I directed my first short in college - which was called 'Extras' - I lost thousands of dollars and made an unsatisfying and incomplete film. — Mike Birbiglia

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?" — Mike Birbiglia

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams. — Mike Birbiglia

Fortunately, I don't talk about politics on stage. — Mike Birbiglia

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!" — Mike Birbiglia

In terms of comedy, there was a Seinfeldian era of comedy that I love but got played out. Seinfeld was great, but then after him it was people acting like Seinfeld and making observations that we felt like we'd kind of heard before, and then you're seeing Seinfeldian comedy in commercials. Suddenly everything is observational funniness. — Mike Birbiglia

There are comedians who focus on everything that is external. They focus on politics and the news, what's going on in that city and that night. — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes I take this women's exercise class called Core Fusion at a place called Exhale. I shouldn't say it's a women's class. There's maybe two men. — Mike Birbiglia

Film is so immersive. — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes, when you want to be in a place so badly, you'll do anything. — Mike Birbiglia

You have to be delusional to be a comedian. — Mike Birbiglia

Once you start writing something obsessively, it's almost like someone has to rip it from your hands in order for you to put it down. — Mike Birbiglia

When I was in college, I wanted to write for 'Late Night With Conan O'Brien,' and I was an intern there. — Mike Birbiglia

If you tried to sell Mike Birbiglia as a concept, no one would buy it. — Mike Birbiglia

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no. — Mike Birbiglia

I've yet to write a stand-up show that isn't autobiographical. — Mike Birbiglia

Nobody knows the life of the working comic. — Mike Birbiglia

I have a following, but it's small. I have this level of fame where people spot me in the airport, consistently, but they always think they're the only one who ever has. People will think they win a prize when they recognize me. — Mike Birbiglia

Falling in love for the first time is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream. Your brain can't even process that level of joy. Love makes people do crazy things like kill other people or shop at Crate & Barrel. I think on some level it makes us all delusional. Deep down, our whole lives, no matter how low our self-esteem gets, we think, I have a special skill that no one knows about and if they knew they'd be amazed. And then eventually we meet someone who says, "You have a secret special skill." And you're like, "I know! So do you!" And they're like, "I know!" And then you're like, "We should eat pizza ice cream together." And that's what love is. It's this giant mound of pizza-flavored ice cream and delusion — Mike Birbiglia

I like films that are so funny, dramatic and lifelike simultaneously, that you are laughing and cringing simultaneously all throughout the film. — Mike Birbiglia

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt. — Mike Birbiglia

There's something about small venues that's amazing for developing material. It's almost like you can not only hear people's response, but you can understand it. In bigger venues you lose that, but you gain this sense of camaraderie in the audience. — Mike Birbiglia

I always have the best story at the party. Anyone telling a story at a party is like, 'No, no, you've got to listen to my story!' I'm like, 'Step aside, everybody. I'm going to blow the doors off this place.' — Mike Birbiglia

You need to know what doesn't work to know what works. It's especially true in improv and stand-up. — Mike Birbiglia

I've become good friends with Lena Dunham, and the thing I had in common with Lena when I was 24 is I was as ambitious as she was. What we don't have in common is that I was not as talented. My voice was not as clearly defined. — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes you'll have a heckler who's actually attempting to be supportive, but you don't realize it. Their way of expressing it is kind of confusing. — Mike Birbiglia

Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody. — Mike Birbiglia

When I go to bed at night, I wear a sleeping bag. And for a long time, I wore mittens so that I couldn't open the sleeping bag. — Mike Birbiglia

Jokes are so personal, and they bring us together in so many ways. — Mike Birbiglia

The people who are the worst at news, who kind of engage in what I call the World Wrestling of news, have kind of set the bar for where news is. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm a compulsive everything. — Mike Birbiglia

If I dream that I'm directing, it's not a film, it's like a commercial for cotton candy, and I've got four feet of cotton candy all around me that I've got to break through, like a brick wall or a fortress. — Mike Birbiglia

I was completely unqualified to get into Harvard. But then I went to my interview for Harvard, and the woman asked, 'Why do you want to go here?' And I took out all of my comedy writing samples that I had done. I couldn't have been more delusional in terms of what I thought they wanted in a candidate for college. — Mike Birbiglia

The ability to workshop in stand-up comedy is incomparable to any art form, in my opinion. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm generally so disoriented during the week about what I'm doing and where I am - I travel a lot - that when I'm home on a Sunday, I typically try to sleep in as much as I can. — Mike Birbiglia

When you're in high school, you can't even imagine the concept of what the rest of your life even means. — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes I'll go to the grocery store and buy a bunch of groceries as though I knew how to cook, which I don't, and as though I was going to be home for the next six days, which I won't. — Mike Birbiglia

I love pizza. I want to marry it, but it would just be to eat her family at the wedding. — Mike Birbiglia

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated. — Mike Birbiglia

When I moved to New York, I was wide-eyed. I was nice to everyone, which comedians hate. — Mike Birbiglia

In real life, I first started sleep walking in high school because that was when this concept of getting into college first appeared. I had this moment of, 'Oh! This is going to affect the rest of my life.' — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz. That's kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks ... Maybe I'm the Kenny G of comedy. — Mike Birbiglia

I love Broadway shows. — Mike Birbiglia

You get to the end of something, you're laughing, you're like, 'That's funny, and that's funny,' and then you get to the end, and the credits come down, and you're like, 'That's it?! That's the whole thing?! You had me here for that?!' I just don't want to do that. — Mike Birbiglia

You know the expression, 'You're only as sick as your secrets?' I believe that, and I think I try to have my work live by that to a degree. — Mike Birbiglia

After I perform 'My Girlfriend's Boyfriend,' it takes a lot out of me emotionally; and, at the end of it, I feel like I know the audience and the audience knows me. It's this weird unspoken bond that we'll kind of always have with each other. — Mike Birbiglia

People getting along doesn't sell very well in the news. I find that to be deeply depressing. I don't even talk about it on stage, because it would take too long to explain. — Mike Birbiglia

Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike ... dances with wildlife. — Mike Birbiglia

I love 'Bullets Over Broadway,' but I'm pretty sure Woody Allen hasn't killed somebody. — Mike Birbiglia

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial. — Mike Birbiglia

Louis C.K. directs his show, which is very much like a series of short films. — Mike Birbiglia

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!" — Mike Birbiglia

I think serious situations actually make for the best kind of belly laughs. But they're also the hardest to convert into comedy at the outset. — Mike Birbiglia

I think the thing I had to be careful about while writing a book was not to say anything that was revealing about other people that they would be uncomfortable with. I didn't want to make people angry - that's a real risk. — Mike Birbiglia

I would be so mad if I saw something called a memoir, and then it was Mike Birbiglia. It would be so infuriating. It's like, 'Who is this guy, and why does he have a memoir?' David Letterman could write a memoir. Joan Rivers could. I'm just a nobody. I'm a comedian and a writer. — Mike Birbiglia