Michael Ian Black Quotes & Sayings

Whenever anyone asks me if I'm from a TV show, I say yes - no matter whether I've ever been on it. It just makes the conversation that much easier. — Michael Ian Black

I honestly believe you can never tell if a relationship is going to last. In my own marriage, which is going on 14 years, I don't think of it as 'I'm going to be with this person forever.' Instead, I think of more like, 'I'll probably be with this person for the next six weeks. Then I'll re-evaluate.' — Michael Ian Black

I'm trying to teach my children not to cry. That's the big thing. No crying. Because I think we can all agree that crying is, for the most part, for sissies. If my team loses, I'm going to cry. And I'm going to want my kids to see me crying. Not because I think sports are so important, but because I bet so much money on the game that we'll probably lose the house if my team doesn't win. That's something to cry about. — Michael Ian Black

I was very surprised how many people were earnestly reminiscing about the '80s. It's such a stupid thing to do, like, to be honestly invested in nostalgia. It never even occurred to me to do that. — Michael Ian Black

You know how Burger King often employs mentally handicapped people to wipe down tables at their restaurants? What those people are to Burger King, paralegals are to lawyers. It's the lowest job you can possibly get and still technically be considered in the legal profession — Michael Ian Black

The thing that I think is the most important is taking moments to express your appreciation to your partner. A thank you or a quick kiss can go a long way toward affirming your relationship and commitment to each other. That's not hard to do even when you're juggling insane careers and three kids. — Michael Ian Black

Separation is the worst. There's no good way to deal with it, other than to get on the phone and do Skype and try to visit. — Michael Ian Black

As a game-show host, what I'm thinking and what I'm experiencing doesn't matter. My opinion doesn't matter. So there's a flattened reality to it. It's fun to do. But it's certainly not myself in totality - or even maybe a little bit. — Michael Ian Black

As an actor, you can show up on a set and be on a TV show for three or four years, or whatever it is and, by the end of it, you just want to do something else. — Michael Ian Black

Lordy, lordy, lordy do I love money. It is a character flaw, no doubt, one that springs from a panicked childhood in which I always felt as if our family was only a couple missed child support payments from being tossed onto the pitiless streets of our suburban New Jersey town. — Michael Ian Black

How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country. — Michael Ian Black

Your harshest critic is always going to be yourself. Don't ignore that critic but don't give it more attention than it deserves. — Michael Ian Black

Did my fingering turn you gay? I hope not. — Michael Ian Black

My goal is to work. That's the goal of most actors or performers: to work and keep working, and do the best you can, and keep growing and changing, trying to improve your craft. — Michael Ian Black

Wish I could, through my own financial prestidigitation, transform a dollar bill into two, or two million. It is an awesome and mysterious skill. — Michael Ian Black

Twitter is about creating whatever persona you want to create and either sticking with it or changing it or evolving it or contradicting it, and I've done all that stuff. — Michael Ian Black

The truth is I feel bad about calling you a whore. I don't know anything about your personal life; my judgment was based on nothing more than a general whorish vibe you give off.
You look like you'd screw any squirrel that came your way. You look like you'd even screw the knothole in that tree where you live. But this is all speculation on my part, based on nothing more than your aforementioned whorish vibe and sleazy demeanor. Maybe I'm wrong about you. If so, I apologize.
But I really don't think I am. — Michael Ian Black

Nothing is more satisfying to me than sitting in a dank room, hunched over a single flickering candle like Ebenezer Scrooge, and watching my ledgers fill themselves with ink. — Michael Ian Black

I don't necessarily self-identify as a writer, 'cause it implies a certain level of intelligence. — Michael Ian Black

Let me tell you, the life of a C list celebrity is pretty sweet. If I want to go to an Applebee's, all I have to do is, literally, walk in the door. They seat me as soon as the other people ahead of me are seated. — Michael Ian Black

Choose hope over fear. — Michael Ian Black

I never really understood what was expected of me as a man, or how I was supposed to interact with women, but worse, with other guys. I did not relate to them. — Michael Ian Black

With stand-up, you can be as freeform as you want to be. You can say what you want, how you want, at any moment without constraint. — Michael Ian Black

There is no word for feeling nostalgic about the future, but that's what a parent's tears often are, a nostalgia for something that has not yet occurred. They are the pain of hope, the helplessness of hope, and finally, the surrender to hope. — Michael Ian Black

I'll never admit that I'm an actor, because the next horrible follow-up question is always, "Oh, what have I seen you in?" — Michael Ian Black

There is something about the human condition. I don't think dogs are like "If only I was a poodle instead of a golden retriever, I'd be totally happy." Dogs are happy with who they are. — Michael Ian Black

I am not opposed to religion. Far from it. I'm for anything that gives people peace. That's why I am also for hot tubs and compact discs of whale songs. Anything that soothes the soul is fine by me. — Michael Ian Black

I'm enough of an optimist and a patriot to believe that in U.S. you have a lot of opportunity and can do pretty much anything you want in some form. For me, the idea of failure is far preferable to the idea of regret. — Michael Ian Black

Whatever I write I publish. Because that's where the money is. — Michael Ian Black

The global business climate is likewhatever, dude. — Michael Ian Black

By the end of the time I'm writing a book, I'm tearing my hair out and I want to go do stand-up. And then I want to do something else. I don't know why it is true with me that I can't just be satisfied doing the one thing, but I'm constantly flitting from one thing to another. — Michael Ian Black

I hope you die ...
P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse. — Michael Ian Black

Best strategy for a first date is to ask her questions. Just keeping asking her questions about herself. Her life, her job, her friends, her taste in movies and music and everything. People mostly just want to talk about themselves, so let her do that. — Michael Ian Black

I can be a snarky Asshole, or I can be sort of mentally impaired. It's very hard for me to just be normal human being. — Michael Ian Black

Corporations do a lot of things well, but not run nations, for obvious reasons. — Michael Ian Black

I actually don't know anyone who wants to be famous for fame's sake, at least not anyone I respect. But you need to have a certain amount of power in order to be able to do what you want. — Michael Ian Black

I don't watch that much comedy. I think it's professional jealousy. That and a lack of support for my community. — Michael Ian Black

I don't think I was awake for much of my childhood. I did a lot of napping. This might have been a defensive measure against encroaching depression. Until about the age of eleven or twelve, I had zero interests other than trying to steal gumballs from supermarket gumball machines. — Michael Ian Black

Many, many people can write books. I just happen to be one of them. — Michael Ian Black

Any time I am involved in something from conception to execution, that's obviously a lot more personal, and I'm going to be more invested in it than something where I just show up for a couple days, shoot, and leave. — Michael Ian Black

Why does Lewis Black have so much hatred for goodness? I do not know. Because I am not a trained psychologist, I think it would be unethical for me to attempt to analyze him. But based upon his feelings regarding candy corn, I think it is safe to assume that he hates freedom, hates himself, and wants to fuck his mother. — Michael Ian Black

If you get an idea, you might as well stick with it until somebody calls you on it. — Michael Ian Black

It doesn't matter what you're chasing, when you get there you're gonna be like, "Oh, is this all? It kind of sucks." — Michael Ian Black

I take it for what it is, and sometimes the criticism is actually useful and constructive and actually informs what I do, but most of the time, it's sort of mindless, or they're receiving something on a different frequency than I was sending it. — Michael Ian Black

You can't write a children's book that takes more than five or six minutes to read, because it will drive the parents batty. It has to be compact. Nobody thinks about the parents when they write these stupid books. I could write longer children's books, but it would actually be bad if I did. — Michael Ian Black

If I revise a children's book, if I'm spending three hours on the first draft, I'm probably spending 30 minutes revising it. I mean, come on! But to redo a painting? That's hard work. — Michael Ian Black

Everybody has something they love to do. Do that thing. — Michael Ian Black

Even to me, a sufferer, 'depression' seems like a fetid load of weaselly claptrap, a cheap and easy excuse for not participating in life. — Michael Ian Black

Cluelessness is not an attractive quality in a man. — Michael Ian Black

Internet fame is like regular fame only without all the annoying 'money' and 'power.' — Michael Ian Black

At this point, I feel fairly comfortable in terms of performance. I think having a sketch background actually helps a lot. Because my background is acting, and stand-up, in a lot of ways, is acting. — Michael Ian Black

There's things I know I'm good at, and those things interest me less and less. I learn a lot more from doing it wrong than I do from doing it right. — Michael Ian Black

The things I care about are the most pedestrian things in the world. I care about good ice cream and being a good dad and a decent husband. — Michael Ian Black

My process is surprisingly straightforward. I find myself with little to do over a stretch of time and I say, "I should write children's books today." Then I sit down and write a children's book, and if it takes more than, realistically, three hours, I feel like I've done something wrong. — Michael Ian Black

I'm very introverted, so it requires a huge effort for me to put on a smile and extend a hand and accept compliments. I would much rather be insulted than complimented any day. — Michael Ian Black

I think people hate me pretty much across the board, which is nice. I mean, it's a pretty evenhanded loathing among a certain amount of the critical population, which used to be about 80 percent. So now I've gotten to the point where I just don't worry about it that much. It used to be very upsetting, now it's only mildly upsetting. — Michael Ian Black

I imagine there's a level of narcissism that goes into thinking you're enough. — Michael Ian Black

If I had three wishes for my country, they would be these: keep fighting, keep moving forward, and don't act like a douchebag. — Michael Ian Black

Hosting a show, even a talk show or a game show, there's so much business you have to conduct. There's so much guiding you have to do. — Michael Ian Black

I think writing for anybody helps you order your life. It helps you arrange your emotions and your thoughts and it helps to provide perspective. — Michael Ian Black

If you say "I'm going to be an actor, but I'll get a teaching degree just in case," when things get hard, you'll just be a teacher and that's how you get stuck. — Michael Ian Black

I used to need the character but as I've gotten older I need it less and less - I prefer to play some version of myself. To approach any acting job as me just being me. — Michael Ian Black

Perhaps we will end up one of those sad childless couples who spend all their time sleeping late, buying luxury goods, traveling the world, and enjoying each other's company. That would be terrible. — Michael Ian Black

If I have any faith at all, I guess that's it. Faith in the small love that keeps our family together. — Michael Ian Black

My absolute favorite growing up was 'Super Friends.' The assemblage of so many mighty heroes in one place was, to me, mind-blowing. It was Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, Aquaman, and then sometimes Hawkman and some other, lesser heroes. — Michael Ian Black

I have a good family and I like to be home with them. The older I get, the lazier I get, and the more content I am to sit at home and eat string cheese. — Michael Ian Black

Sometimes the criticism is actually useful and constructive and actually informs what I do, but most of the time, it's sort of mindless, or they're receiving something on a different frequency than I was sending it. They're just not getting what I'm doing, and that's fine. — Michael Ian Black

The characters that I have on Twitter have very little resemblance to me, the person who's writing them. — Michael Ian Black

My fear is if I expose myself, not so much that I'll be hurt, but that the reaction will be "Is that all there is? Is that the entirety of you? Because it's boring." — Michael Ian Black

Part of what's exciting to me about my career is the constant looking forward. Whenever I finish one project, I am looking to what's next. — Michael Ian Black

I don't chase after things, but I put forward the effort and know the rest of it is out of my hands. — Michael Ian Black

It's such a deliberate thing to sit down and write a tweet. You're putting yourself out there in a very deliberate way, and over however many tweets, you start to create a character for yourself. — Michael Ian Black

I definitely script things out. I definitely write things down and try to write jokes. Often, they're terrible. I often write terrible, terrible jokes. — Michael Ian Black

You keep your gods in your backyard and I'll keep my lack of God in mine. — Michael Ian Black

If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked. — Michael Ian Black

Well, I think my stand-up is often kind of visual. Not like Carrot Top visual, but visual. — Michael Ian Black

Things you never thought were going to turn into something end up being the most important things in your life. You have to learn to not try to control it. — Michael Ian Black

Marriage felt like a fading American institution, as relevant to me as the Elks Club. Plus, I considered myself punk rock, and punk rockers don't believe in boring societal conventions like marriage. We prefer boring societal conventions like punk rock. — Michael Ian Black

Spirituality has always felt to me as private as sexuality. We don't go waving our wieners all over the place and we shouldn't wave our gods around either. — Michael Ian Black

I think people just love to win. — Michael Ian Black

I probably should be thinking of better ideas on how to promote myself, but I don't really spend a lot of time doing it. I really don't know how to promote effectively. — Michael Ian Black

I take my coffee the same way I take my women: Strong, black, and proud. — Michael Ian Black

Her lips remind me of kite strings and I find myself thinking about panda bears. Panda bears do not fly kites, I tell myself.
'I thought you were dead,' she says.
Maybe if you taped a kite to a panda paw and scared the panda so that it started running, the kite might start to lift off. — Michael Ian Black

The Atkins' diet is where you eat bacon for six or seven months ... and the end result is that you lose weight. Because you're dead. — Michael Ian Black

Whatever expectations I had for myself, none of them have come to pass. I grew up thinking I was going to be an actor, which I am. But I thought I'd be a very serious sort of Shakespearean guy going from town to town having sex with various Juliets all over the country. — Michael Ian Black

When I am at work, that is my time to work. The workspace is not the appropriate arena for us to discuss your problems. When I am there I need to be left undisturbed to check what people are saying about me on Twitter. — Michael Ian Black

Kids love to be silly, they love to laugh, so I think it was natural for my kids to like the sort of books that I write - and it's the only kinds of books I'm capable of writing. — Michael Ian Black

I'm not sure what it would mean to have "made it." Made what? Yes, I can make a decent living in show business, so if that's the criteria, then I've made it. But that doesn't feel that important to me. The stuff that matters to me are the new challenges. I know that sounds hokey, but it's true. — Michael Ian Black

Shuffling really isn't something you should be doing on your deathbed. — Michael Ian Black

I thought I'd be living a much more bohemian life and be very poor. I never thought I'd do comedy or be married living in the suburbs. Every time I try to plan my life out it just doesn't come to pass, and I think that's a great experience. — Michael Ian Black

I feel no obligation to teach my readers anything, to impart any sort of wisdom, to teach any sort of lesson, to instill any sort of morality. All I'm trying to do is make them and their parents laugh. — Michael Ian Black

I am a poker player, but I am not a good poker player. My favorite game is seven card stud, but I'll play hi/lo, Hold 'em, Razz, etc. — Michael Ian Black

That's been my fear all along. That I'm not enough, and I still don't trust at all that I am. — Michael Ian Black

Write more thank-you cards, but draw fewer swastikas on them. — Michael Ian Black

I think in doing stand-up there are no rules and there's no architecture. — Michael Ian Black

People recognize me, but they don't know where from. Today I was in the elevator and somebody asked me if I worked for his company. — Michael Ian Black

The illustrators work so much harder on the books than the writers do. I mean, that's so much work doing what they do, and it's terrible for them. — Michael Ian Black

There's this misconception that comedy and music go together. They don't. Comedians can't compete with rock stars; they're just not on the same level. Rock stars will always be cooler. They will always get more girls. — Michael Ian Black

When he moves, he gives the impression of somebody leaning into the wind, or charging a hill, as if the world with all of its troubles can be tamed if only enough force and energy are brought to bear. — Michael Ian Black

Super excited about things I'm going to do; never excited about things I'm actually doing. — Michael Ian Black