Matthew Norman Quotes & Sayings

Daughters," he says. "You raise them and watch them grow up, and you love them so much it makes you crazy. Then one day some guy shows up. Maybe he's nice. Maybe he's got a good job. Maybe he's got his shirt tucked in and he calls you sir. But he's never quite what you're hoping for. If you have one someday - a daughter, I mean - you'll know what I'm talking about. — Matthew Norman

Marriage isn't easy, Andy," he says. "You love someone in a specific time and place. But you have no idea what they'll become. People change. Sometimes, they change so much you hardly even recognize them anymore." For — Matthew Norman

She rarely lets me off the hook, holding me to a different standard of emotional intelligence than the other men in her life - even my Brothers. She allows them to behave like Gary, docilely going about their lives, content and happy and completely oblivious to the sticky, ugly things just a few inches below the surface of everything. — Matthew Norman

He arrived to find that she'd left, discovering then that he was all alone. Even the birds had gone. They'd abandoned their nest on the windowsill, and he was somehow certain that they'd never come back. — Matthew Norman

You ever wonder if it's really not more complicated than that?" I ask. "That maybe everyone else is right, and people like you and me just need to quit looking for stuff to be depressed about?" She looks up, and then back at her dirt, dismissing this stupidity without comment. When — Matthew Norman

Whoa," I say. "Look how tall he is." "Actors are always midgets in person," says Brandon, "But writers ... they're giants. — Matthew Norman

I know nothing," I say, cheerfully.
"You never seem to. Have you ever wondered why that is?"
"It's very deliberate. I've found that knowledge is usually a burden. I prefer to be surprised and then eventually horrified. — Matthew Norman

Sometimes in life, it doesn't matter that you've just woken up on a floor. Or that you haven't brushed your teeth. Or that your hair is a mess and you're wearing the clothes you slept in. Sometimes you just have to be polite. — Matthew Norman

There's a line in one of my dad's novels about the most beautiful parts of the female anatomy being the ones that are the most innocent - the ones that have never been scandalized by nudity. — Matthew Norman

Parenting is mostly bribery . . . and yelling. — Matthew Norman

No," I say. "Actually, the first time I saw one in real life, I thought of the Great Pit of Carkoon in Return of the Jedi." "OK, well, I officially take back my previous comment about you knowing a thing or two about vaginas." "Understandable." "What — Matthew Norman

When you're having sex again, it makes you wonder why you weren't before. What could possibly have been bad enough to make you stop doing THAT? — Matthew Norman

She technically apologized yesterday, but it was one of those married-people apologies, more of a tactical move than anything else, a way of moving on with things. — Matthew Norman

I suspect scotch is something you have to convince yourself to enjoy, like sushi or the last few Radiohead albums, but I can't deny the result is nice. "You — Matthew Norman

We hold on to the shitty things the tightest, for some reason. And — Matthew Norman

The most important people in this man's life - the people who have mattered to him most - aren't my Mother or his wives or me or Anna or Allie. The people who matter most are the people in his head. That is loneliness. — Matthew Norman

For the first thirty-something years of my life, I never once asked my dad if he was OK . . . and now I've done it twice in one week. I wonder if this is just the way it is. Are all our parents, collectively, fucked up? Have they always been fucked up, and it just takes us until our own adulthood to figure that out? — Matthew Norman

I have to speak carefully now because I have this strange habit of imitating British people without even realizing that I'm doing it. — Matthew Norman

I instantly like people who laugh at my jokes. It's a weakness of mine. — Matthew Norman

I think you'll be a great teacher, said Gary. That's his role in my life: blind encourager and ambassador of false senses of security. — Matthew Norman

In my experience, Fox News isn't something you can tune out, like a game show or a cable movie you've seen a dozen times. The colors, the moving logos, the giant fonts, the . . . well . . . the things they actually say. It's like the television equivalent of one of those cymbal-banging monkey toys being duct-taped to your forehead. So this is how it'd go. I'd hear something ridiculous, and I'd scoff or make some smart-ass comment, and then it'd be straight downhill from there. — Matthew Norman

It's like the television equivalent of one of those cymbal-banging monkey toys being duct-taped to your forehead. — Matthew Norman

I realize how utterly amazing it is that we're all able as humans to go about our daily lives without constantly obsessing over the fact that each of us will almost certainly be in a sterile bed someday, medicated and slowly dying. This officially marks the most depressing thing that has ever crossed my mind. — Matthew Norman

If a car can represent something, this one represents contradiction. For most of his life, my dad has been able to have any woman he wants. In response, he's gone through as many as possible, betraying each for someone younger and more absurd. Conversely, for most of his life he's been able to have any car he wants, too. In response, he's remained married to this, a 1982 Porsche with a tricky clutch. — Matthew Norman

Significant thins shouldn't begin or end at Applebee's. — Matthew Norman

Two hours with my grandpa felt like eternity, but also like not long enough. I should have come sooner. I should have called him more this past year. I should have watched more Cubs games with him, and I should have been better at being his grandson. — Matthew Norman

Gary has made the classic mistake of equating precise cheekbones, perfect breasts, and a vague association with philanthropy as the signs of a good woman. — Matthew Norman

The captain of a ship can run a great ship, but he can't do anything about the tides. — Matthew Norman

Sonya's a real person, like your Mother. Thirty years ago, that was your Mother's biggest flaw in my eyes, and now that's the thing I love most about Sonya. It's funny how things end, isn't it? — Matthew Norman

The lesson here . . . Sometimes people throw things away. That doesn't mean those things aren't really, really good. Most of the time, it just means that person didn't know what they had. I'm — Matthew Norman

I'm comfortable with who I am," I say, which is a funny thing to say while shaming my own body in a full-length mirror. "Shut — Matthew Norman

They're all about forty, I'd guess, but they could pass for thirty in that way that handsome gay men can seemingly defy the basic rules of nature. — Matthew Norman

Back in the car, I sit for a long time, breathing. I'll remember this, what just happened, for a very long time. I'll be on my own deathbed someday, replaying this in my head, wishing it had gone differently. We hold on to the shitty things the tightest, for some reason. And this is the shittiest thing ever. Are — Matthew Norman

I was modeling sunglasses for a while, but that got kinda shady. No — Matthew Norman

Never trust someone who isn't miserable at least half of the time. — Matthew Norman

Married silence is a specific kind of silence, typically one in which the woman goes mute while the man pretends as if it's perfectly normal that she hasn't spoken in hours. — Matthew Norman

I don't think - I begin, but then I stop there. Strangely enough, this sounds like a full, declarative sentence, as if I'm standing in a bar shouting out one of my most obvious character flaws. I don't think! — Matthew Norman

Generally speaking, it's difficult not to be at least mildly terrified of a girl who might, at any moment, take her shirt off. — Matthew Norman

Like pretty much every cat I've ever met, Jeter swings back and forth between loving me and trying to murder me, so I never know exactly what I'm getting. — Matthew Norman

Not sure, but I tell her that it does because I'm Midwestern and agreeable. She — Matthew Norman

Then we lapse into silence. It's these silences that do damage, that reveal glimpses of the distressed foundation struggling under the weight of things. — Matthew Norman

We're dealing with an entire generation of people who are absolutely committed to taking zero responsibility for their lives. Everything is somebody else's fault. Classic victim mentality. Don't worry, we'll clean up the mess for you. We'll pick up the check. We'll tip the waiter. You hear it day in and day out from the - — Matthew Norman

Suspect scotch is something you have to convince yourself to enjoy, like sushi or the last few Radiohead albums, but I can't deny the result is nice. — Matthew Norman

Anna is the sort of woman who writers write about, Tom. Somewhere in the third act, women like her save characters like you and me from ourselves. She's the loveliest literary device in the world. — Matthew Norman

That's the thing I hate most about my brain, the way it stores and catalogs things, all this dumb shit on a giant hard drive in my head, so I'm forced to obsess over it all like a crazy person. — Matthew Norman

We're all damaged. Every single beautiful, stupid, precious one of us. Damaged, damaged, damaged. — Matthew Norman

They didn't hate her when you were in high school. They made fun of her. She was the butt of jokes. But they didn't hate her. That's what people do now. They don't disagree, they hate. — Matthew Norman

Right when you find yourself not thinking about her at all, there she'll be, right at the end of the story to fuck with your head one last time. She — Matthew Norman

I'm leaning on an old guy trick here, claiming my wife is being a typical irrational woman right as she begins saying things that I don't want to hear. — Matthew Norman

You look good," I tell my reflection. "Hot?" But this last part comes out with a question mark at the end. I've never been good at sales. — Matthew Norman

This house has endured three of my Dad's four wives, and so over the last few decades it's been a home-size mood ring, changing to the styles and temperaments of its female inhabitants. — Matthew Norman

Actually, the first time I saw one in real life, I thought of the Great Pit of Carkoon in Return of the Jedi." "OK, — Matthew Norman

All the stuff she says on the radio. It's just fear. The world is leaving people like her behind, and it scares the shit out of her. — Matthew Norman

I'm like a poker player, bluffing with whatever cards equal a really shitty hand. I should mention that I have no fucking idea how to play poker. "You — Matthew Norman

giant hard drive in my head, so I'm forced to obsess over it all like — Matthew Norman

Remember that string of movies when we were younger, like mid '90s? The ones where the nerdy girl finally puts on makeup and a Wonderbra and everyone realizes how totally boneable she is?" "Yeah." "Well, that's you," she says. "We're in one of those movies. You're my hopeless teenage girl, all stuck in your shell, and I'm here to give you a fresh coat of makeup and a slutty dress. Push those boobies up, Andy Carter, it's go time." "Do — Matthew Norman

They're always like, 'Would my character really do this or really do that?' And I'm like, 'Who gives a shit? Just make them do it, you coward. Don't be so passive.' You and I, we're in charge of what we can do and what we can't do. — Matthew Norman

In my career, I've found that only annoying people knock on open doors. — Matthew Norman

It's probably unhealthy to miss a life that never actually existed - to — Matthew Norman

Eating with children at a restaurant is like eating with a live grenade. It's going to explode every time. You just don't know when. — Matthew Norman

Maybe that's just what moving on is, not getting over, but skipping over. — Matthew Norman

That's me, giving myself a tough-love speech. I'm going to start doing that more often, I've decided. One might as well put his inner monologue to good use. — Matthew Norman

caffeine-infused tsunami of words. — Matthew Norman

Here's the worst detail of all - worse than Wham! even, if you can believe it. It all happened at Applebee's. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a snob. I don't have a problem with Applebee's per se. But I think we can all agree, as a civilized society, that lives shouldn't change there. Significant things shouldn't begin or end at Applebee's. You shouldn't walk into Applebee's as one thing and then leave as something else entirely. She — Matthew Norman

I'm not an alcoholic - I don't have the discipline to become one - but, — Matthew Norman

Mixed in with all of its silly bullshit, Facebook is the literal manifestation of all our regrets, looping and looping, for free, on our computers and phones. People who should be gone and safely out of our lives forever are there again, one cryptic little glimpse at a time, reminding us of all the things we should or shouldn't have done. Then — Matthew Norman

If my penis were a writer/director, it would be Woody Allen - small, neurotic, and, frankly, hit or miss. — Matthew Norman

I've been thinking about your Father a lot lately, and I've realized something. I married Gary specifically for the fact that he wasn't Curtis. If your Father has an opposite, it's Gary. I just need to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone I married by default. — Matthew Norman

I have to go back home for a while." "Ohio?" "Omaha." "Right. Omaha. Why? — Matthew Norman

Are all our parents, collectively, fucked up? Have they always been fucked up, and it just takes us until our own adulthood to figure that out? "I — Matthew Norman

You ever notice that like seventy-five percent of the dudes in America look like the bad guy in The Karate Kid?" I say. "Don't — Matthew Norman

Do you ever stop talking?" I say. "Seriously, it's like you have a superarticulate form of Tourette syndrome. — Matthew Norman