Matthew Inman Quotes & Sayings

Just don't fall into a tanning bed.
These machines are for vapid, narcissistic, idiots who have barren vacuums where their thoughts, fears, and passions should be.
Spending time in a tanning bed will only earn you the appearance and intellect of an inbred baked potato.
Don't be a baked potato.
Be a person. — Matthew Inman

Running a race assigns a point to a sport that often feels very pointless. It's an exuberant payoff to months of tedium. It's a way of crafting an end boss for a particularly cumbersome video game. It's a fun, monstrous reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other. So, do yourself a favor: go build a monster. — Matthew Inman

Marathon: (noun)
A popular form of overpriced torture wherein participants wake up at ass-o-clock in the morning and stand in the freezing cold until it's time to run, at which point they miserably trot for a god-awful interval of time that could be better spent sleeping in and/or consuming large quantities of beer and cupcakes.
See also: masochism, awfulness, "a bunch of bullshit", boob-chafing, cupcake deprivation therapy — Matthew Inman

They say you should treat your body like a temple. I treat mine like a fast-moving dumpster. — Matthew Inman

Anything that smiles often needs to be reminded that the world is a cruel, dark place. — Matthew Inman

Crunches are an exercise where you lie on your back and angrily try to head-butt your crotch. — Matthew Inman