MaryJanice Davidson Quotes & Sayings

Eric came to Macy's? Did he burst into flames the moment he passed the first cash register? — MaryJanice Davidson

I'm the wife of a king, and the mother of kings. And I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. So fuck off, Jack.- Queen Christina (The Royal Treatment) — MaryJanice Davidson

George you were very very bad to run away from Alice. Very bad But you were very good to stomp Sinclair when he was being a dick so I think we'll call this a wash. — MaryJanice Davidson

I suppose I should say something negative about vampires living in sin," Father Markus said, "but that seems to be the least of your problems. — MaryJanice Davidson

Andrew Vachss, the best noir-ey writer in the history of the genre, called cats the lap dancers of the animal world. Give them attention, they're there. Stop, they're outta there. — MaryJanice Davidson

To paraphrase Stephen King, sometimes an accident can be an unhappy woman's best friend. Put — MaryJanice Davidson

Fred coughed, which caused Sam and Ellie to look over at her. "Hey, Ellie. Watch this."
Mentally apologizing to her oldest friend, Fred seized Jonas by the shirt collar and
heaved him out of his chair and through the (fortunately open) sliding door.
Jonas was densely built ("Deliciously so," Dr. Barb might have said over the sound of
Fred's retching), but no match for Fred's hybrid strength, and the air velocity he achieved
was really quite something.
Fred ignored his wail ("My sundaeeee!"), which became easier to do the fainter it got. — MaryJanice Davidson

Leave it to a vampire to think a healthy guy in his late thirties or early forties was on his deathbed. — MaryJanice Davidson

Why is it suddenly uncool to spell? That's all I want to know. — MaryJanice Davidson

I used to be a model and a medical test subject, though never at the same time. And since we didn't have much money when I was a kid, I know how to fish and hunt for my supper. And I used to win awards in speech in high school, which comes in handy when I speak to 200 people at a writers' conference. — MaryJanice Davidson

Back off, boys. You don't want to mess with an out-of-work secretary. We're real testy. — MaryJanice Davidson

I love interviews, meeting fans, teaching workshops, giving speeches ... all of it. — MaryJanice Davidson

I've always assumed he'd be around to be, you know, yelled at and taken for granted. And of course I was wrong. Nobody's going to put up with that forever. — MaryJanice Davidson

I'm in a Roadrunner cartoon, Sinclair. And I'm the coyote. — MaryJanice Davidson

I'm more to my family than a wonderful, luminous cook. I'm also a wonderful, luminous butler and a wonderful, luminous chauffer. And checkbook. I'm a luminous checkbook, too. — MaryJanice Davidson

I'll cough up the bitter truth right now, at the risk of losing my Feminism Club Decoder Ring: I didn't go see 'Inside Out' for Amy Poehler, though she's terrific. I went to see my dark prince, Lewis Black. — MaryJanice Davidson

Never, EVER give up. Not ever. Not EVER. Ever EVER! — MaryJanice Davidson

Crying's okay while it lasts, but you can only do it for so long. And it's weird to do it when you apparently can't make tears anymore (did this mean I wouldn't pee or sweat, either?). Anyway, eventually you're done, and you have to figure out what to do next. — MaryJanice Davidson

I slipped one of the shoes off, looked at the inside. Property of Antonia O'Neill Taylor. I knew it. My stepmother! The bitch meant to bury me wearing her cast off shoes! — MaryJanice Davidson

God is dead! Only the IT department can help you now.
-Edward Smegger in Super, Girl! (p. 79) — MaryJanice Davidson

... and who are you, anyway?"
"I'm Tina."
"Thank goodness!" I said so loudly she stepped back. "No silly-ass overdone names for you, m'girl."
"It's short for Christina Caresse Chavelle."
"Well, you did the best you could. — MaryJanice Davidson

You do not go near them. You do not allow them to touch you. If one does touch you, I will eat his spine."
"It's good," she commented, "that we're establishing rules. For instance, being a newcomer here, I might not understand the whole 'don't touch or be devoured' guideline ... "
-Prince Maltese and Lt. Anne — MaryJanice Davidson

You may stay. But Jessica, please watch what you say and do. Don't look them in the eyes for long. Speak only when spoken to. Yes, sir; yes, ma'am."
"Sit up. Arf," I teased.
"What about her?" Jessica cried, pointing in my general direction. "She's more in need of an etiquette lesson than I am."
"Yeah," I said, "but I'm the Queen. With a capital fucking Q. Hey, you're looking me in the eyes for too long! Eric, make her stop! — MaryJanice Davidson

Okay. And you'll, uh, make sure he doesn't hurt anybody when he's, you know, nutty and out of his mind with blood lust?" For the next ten years?
Liam winced (well, he blinked), but Sophie soldiered on. "My queen, I have experience in these matters. Guarding young vampires
I
all will be as you wish."
Yeah, right. That'd be a fucking first. — MaryJanice Davidson

You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull. — MaryJanice Davidson

Never let your fiend off his leash unless there's lots of room to run (and no people around). — MaryJanice Davidson

I'm really fortunate that I type 120 words a minute. — MaryJanice Davidson

You just never knew when a totally normal vampire errand would end in a bloodbath with severed-limb soap. — MaryJanice Davidson

I trudged around on the muddy river bottom for half an hour, patiently waiting to drown, before giving up and slogging my way back to shore. — MaryJanice Davidson

I'm rubber and you're glue," I told Satan, " and everything that bounces of me sticks to you. — MaryJanice Davidson

I always knew I'd keep at it with the plodding doggedness that I used to master lump-less gravy and wriggle out of fitness classes; I always knew I'd get a zillion rejection slips. I figured I'd write part time while working various full-time office jobs, and maybe, maybe in my 50s, I'd be able to quit and try writing full time. — MaryJanice Davidson

Being a writer is great, and being a parent is great, and I hate Marching Band. — MaryJanice Davidson

What it comes down to is this, Betsy: you do what you need to, and then you haul ass out of there. Every single time. — MaryJanice Davidson

Wow, girlfriend, you're incompatible with life!
And here I thought I was just incompatible with pink. — MaryJanice Davidson

I'm a sucker for the big, gruff, distant, emotionally closed-off hero who sloooowly warms up to the feisty, awesome, sweet heroine. — MaryJanice Davidson

What's amazing is that she was possessed by Satan for almost a year and nobody noticed anything unusual! — MaryJanice Davidson

Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?"
"Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth."
"Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms. — MaryJanice Davidson

It's a long story. Prepared to be regaled. — MaryJanice Davidson

I've got a folder full of rejection slips that I keep. Know why? Because those same editors are now calling my agent hoping I'll write a book or novella for them. Things change. A rejection slip today might mean a frantic call to your agent in six months. — MaryJanice Davidson

I mean, not that I killed her just to get the car, or anything. — MaryJanice Davidson

Zombieland reference," Jon said, nodding.
"How do you know that? That's a thousand-year-old reference!" I looked at laura. "I can't think of a single movie from a thousand years ago."
"Uh ... Betsy ... "
"Don't say it." You know how you don't know how stupid something is until you hear yourself say it? That happened to me a lot. — MaryJanice Davidson

A vampire? How ith that pothible? I died in a car ackthident, for God'th thake! Aw, thon of a bith! — MaryJanice Davidson

I could have gone to medical school, I said. Except for all the math and stuff. — MaryJanice Davidson

Magic: The Gathering is like Dungeons and Dragons if D&D was played with cards and didn't take 18 weeks. — MaryJanice Davidson

Getting gratitude is becoming a thing with you, but even so, you're the worst Antichrist ever," Jessica said. "Which is actually comforting. Stay close. — MaryJanice Davidson

I zoomed in on the shoe department like a blonde homing pigeon. Shoes, shoes everywhere! Ah, sweet shoes. I truly think you can take the measure of a civilization by looking at its footwear. — MaryJanice Davidson

How's your grandpa?"
"Still worried that your blackness will infect me."
"That's the plan. First you, then all the other blondes, and then on to brunettes and redheads. Once we have the womenfolk, all the babies will come out black, too. We all voted on the plan at the last Black Conspirators meeting. — MaryJanice Davidson

I stared harder. Come on, vampire mojo. Do your thing. "Don't. Kill. Yourself."
"Why. Are you. Talking. Like this? — MaryJanice Davidson

Mom, he was fucking my mother. He's a motherfucker!
- Sleeping with the Fishes — MaryJanice Davidson

There wasn't a damned thing I could say without coming off like a mega-bitch. And it wasn't even nine o'clock. I wanted to put off mega-bitchery until noon at least. Or save it for George. George! The perfect person to take my pissiness out on. I'd do what people all over the world did
take my domestic problems to work and punish the innocent with my inability to be in an adult relationship.
That's the first time in the history of George that "the innocent" has referred to George. — MaryJanice Davidson

I'm so dull, the fucking cat runs away about three times a month just to get a little excitement. And — MaryJanice Davidson

I guess you could say that no matter what the characters are enduring, I try to make them retain their humanity. Their self-absorbed, grouchy, selfish, aggravating humanity. — MaryJanice Davidson

I swore we'd never be together, but - '
'Your inner whore would not be denied.' she finished. — MaryJanice Davidson

I've been stabbed before. Barely a week ago, in fact. AND I've been audited, AND I come from a broken home. In short - no offense, shorty - you don't scare me. — MaryJanice Davidson

I fucking hate tomato juice! It's like drinking red snot. — MaryJanice Davidson

They weren't moving. Perhaps I was dazzling then with my ineptitude. It had happened before. — MaryJanice Davidson

It's inappropriate for the queen of the dead to be afraid of
ghosts. — MaryJanice Davidson

Friends are such a mixed blessing. — MaryJanice Davidson

I can't not write funny. It's literally the only way I know how to do it. — MaryJanice Davidson

I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago."
"Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear? — MaryJanice Davidson

I mean, I wouldn't have wanted to be recognized. But I was kind of a prude about cheating on taxes, group sex, murder, and stuff. — MaryJanice Davidson

I've found I can plunge the characters into whatever absurd, awful situation, and readers will follow as long as the writer makes them seem like 'real people.' — MaryJanice Davidson

Can you burn me up with holy water? Poke me to death with your crucifix? Pelt me with communion wafers? — MaryJanice Davidson

What the hell was it about e-mail that made everybody forget the stuff they learned in second grade, like capitalizing I and proper names, and using periods? Hello? We all learned how to do this less than five years out of diapers! — MaryJanice Davidson

I love traveling, but I love the bum I married, and the bums I gave birth to, more. And the dogs. I love them, too. — MaryJanice Davidson

It was scary how much she sounded like me sometimes. Maybe that's why she totally got on my nerves — MaryJanice Davidson

I - I adore you, too. Well, I don't know if I adore you. That's not really the word I'd use. But I - I - " I managed to wrench it out. God, this was hard! "I love you."
"Of course you do," he said, totally unsurprised.
"WHAT? I finally tell you my deepest, most personal feelings and you're all, 'Yeah, I already got that memo'? This, this is why you drive me nuts! This is why it's so hard to tell you things! I take it back. — MaryJanice Davidson

I looked up. Mom looked down at me with the compassion/practicality combo that was her trademark. — MaryJanice Davidson

AT&T works in Hell. I can't think about it very long or I'll get really, really scared of AT&T. — MaryJanice Davidson

I own two beautiful homes, and I'm always half-expecting the cops to pull in, seize me with firm compassion, and escort me out. — MaryJanice Davidson

I ducked again as her Hellfire sword whistled over my head, and sidestepped so quickly I tripped over a chair. I was in such a hurry to scramble to my feet that for a few seconds I ran in place, like the Road Runner. — MaryJanice Davidson

Don't look at his groin. Don't look at his groin. Don't mention that he doesn't have a vagina, so 'we' is bullshit. This is not the time to mention your pet peeve about expectant fathers talking how 'we' are having a baby. Don't. Don't. — MaryJanice Davidson

You know, they did let you have that room," I said. "In fact, I think they're assuming you'll use it, as opposed to lingering in strange hallways."
She responded to me with, "Girl, I am bored outta my tits."
"Can we have one cross-country quest without talking about your tits?"
Her pretty dark eyes went narrow and thoughtful, and she caressed her cheek with a long fingernail colored jack-o'-lantern orange. After a thoughtful pause, she shook her head. "I don't
see how."
"I figured. — MaryJanice Davidson

I'd go to a bookstore, and I'd flip through flap copy, and I'd think, 'If this gal can get published, I can get published.' — MaryJanice Davidson

All this to say of course Gallo wants to get into your Little Mermaid panties. And if you don't get that, you're dumber than I ever thought, which gives me such a headache to even contemplate. The massive amount of your dumbness. It hurts me,' he whined. — MaryJanice Davidson

I might occasionally forget how to open a car door and have too many shower curtains, but I've got some standards. — MaryJanice Davidson

Might as well toss this, Chickie, it's ruined. What was it like, getting shot?"
"What kind of a dumb ass question is that from a guy who went to medical school? It hurt! — MaryJanice Davidson

I once came back from a book tour where sleek black cars driven by nice men in black suits waited for me at every hotel, took me to every signing, brought me back, opened car doors for me. They were great. I was great. It was a wonderful tour. — MaryJanice Davidson

WHEN I finally slowed and looked around, I saw with amazement I'd trotted sixteen blocks in about three minutes. Summer Olympics, here I come. Assuming they held the races at night. — MaryJanice Davidson

What can I say? Death is messy. And she had it coming. — MaryJanice Davidson

When I first quit my day job, I was terrified. I called my editors and said I'm trying to make a go of this, and they threw every contract at me they could. And for two years, I had a book or an anthology out every month. — MaryJanice Davidson

If you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing — MaryJanice Davidson

Interesting shade #23 Lush Golden Blonde highlights. Heyyyyyy ... The woman in the awful suit was me! The woman in the cheap shoes was me! — MaryJanice Davidson

I can't believe your boss tried to kill you, too," Jessica said. "I mean, I know they're trying to keep the unemployment rate down, but that's ridiculous."
"Most people think their bosses are out to get them. But mine really was! — MaryJanice Davidson

A day without the Antichrist sitting in judgment on you is a day without sunshine. — MaryJanice Davidson

I turned. Tall, Dark, and Sinister was rapidly approaching. — MaryJanice Davidson

We have souls. Sure we do. Otherwise we'd do bad things all the time. You know, like
politicians. — MaryJanice Davidson

The vampire bible, bound in human skin, written in blood, and full of prophecies that were never wrong. Trouble was, if you read the thing too long, it drove you nuts. Not "I'm having a bad day and feel bitchy" nuts or PMS nuts. "I think I'll commit felony assault on my friends and rape my boyfriend" nuts. — MaryJanice Davidson

Kissing Sinclair was like making out with a sexy timber wolf - he was licking my fangs and nipping me lightly and growling under his breath and it was ... oh, it was really something. — MaryJanice Davidson

I wrote for free for, like, fifteen years; I could redo my parlor in rejection slips. It would be surprisingly tasteful - they use nice paper. — MaryJanice Davidson

Then she (Queen Christina) stood with the Prince and grinned like a monkey and waved like a fucked-up prom queen while about a thousand flashbulb went off in her face. — MaryJanice Davidson

Touch my things again, whether I'm dead or not, and I'll kick your ass up into your shoulder blades. — MaryJanice Davidson

Hi, the werewolf said. He was dark-haired and broad, with gold eyes, big hands, and a feral scruffiness that Cole felt and instantly responded to. He had the weird urge to kill a cow and present it to the stranger. Two cows. — MaryJanice Davidson

I was so furious I was actually dizzy with it. There were so many bitchy, sarcastic observations to make, I was having a sarcasm stroke. My God! You people! You're - you're so stupid you're making my eyeballs throb. They're throbbing, dammit! — MaryJanice Davidson

Elizabeth Anne Taylor April 25, 1974 - April 25, 2004 Our Sweetheart, Only resting — MaryJanice Davidson

Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I can't have a life. — MaryJanice Davidson

Majesty, I beg your forgiveness for the idignity you suffered and offer you the head of our enemy as - "
"Put that thing down," I said impatiently. "I can't talk to you when you're shaking his head like a damned maraca. — MaryJanice Davidson

My 20s were a blizzard of rejection slips. — MaryJanice Davidson

He said my name the way diabetics talked about hot fudge sundaes. — MaryJanice Davidson

When I wrote the first Betsy book, 'Undead and Unwed,' I had no idea, none, that it would be a career-defining, genre-defining book, the first of over a dozen in the series, the first of over 70 published books, the first on my road to the best-seller list, the first on my road to being published in 15 countries. — MaryJanice Davidson