Mary Gaitskill Quotes & Sayings

Things are always less important once you're assured of having them. — Mary Gaitskill

I've noticed women my age and a little younger, anywhere from 35 to 50, saying, 'Who would want to bring kids into a world like this?' Or, 'I don't want to spend my life that way. I want to do my artwork.' And they're very unapologetically stating this. — Mary Gaitskill

I found the world extraordinarily strange, having first left home at 15. — Mary Gaitskill

A sad person who is so involved with his sadness that he mistakes it for reality will have a hard time seeing himself as anything but sad. For him, the sadness is not a feeling that he experiences - it is him. — Mary Gaitskill

When looking out the window and watching the water becomes a drama, then literally everything is a drama. — Mary Gaitskill

I shouldn't be doing this, he thought. She is actually a nice person. for a moment he had an impulse to embrace her. He had a stronger impulse to beat her. — Mary Gaitskill

I think it actually started in my late thirties. I started changing psychologically, and it was difficult to translate that into my writing. — Mary Gaitskill

SHE WAS MEETING a man she had recently and abruptly fallen in love with. She was in a state of ghastly anxiety. He was married, for one thing, to a Korean woman whom he described as the embodiment of all that was feminine and elegant. Not only that, but a psychic had told her that a relationship with him could cripple her emotionally for the rest of her life. On top of this, she was tormented by the feeling that she looked inadequate. — Mary Gaitskill

Monogamy is desirable for many reasons, especially in creating a stable, emotionally connected home for children. But judging from centuries of human behavior, it is also a very difficult standard to meet. — Mary Gaitskill

It was like everything that supported the relationship was coming from the outside. Judging by all the signs, we were a perfectly successful couple and John was an ideal husband for me - rich, blond, tall, sensitive, ad nauseam. But even worse, it seemed as if our most intimate conversations were based on what we were supposed to be saying, and what we were supposed to be. Nothing seemed to come directly from us. — Mary Gaitskill

What is faithfulness, anyway? Can you be unfaithful to your own feelings and faithful to someone else? Is it faithful to lie in bed night after night with someone you love but no longer desire while ardently dreaming of someone else? — Mary Gaitskill

Well, chaos was not unfamiliar to him. In daily life, his emotions were chaos. He let himself become a vessel for them, letting feeling roar through him, pulling him around like a kite, boiling him like water in a kettle, dissolving him in a whirl of elements. — Mary Gaitskill

Married, you're basically part of the herd, and that makes life easier in a lot of ways in terms of social support. But if you're not by nature a herd animal, you start to feel like you're passing. — Mary Gaitskill

I had a strong conviction that there was something out there in the world that was wonderful. — Mary Gaitskill

By turning herself into a fucking machine, she has created a kind of temporary grid. But underneath, in the place of dream and feeling, she is going places that she, on the surface, would not understand. — Mary Gaitskill

There are no pure people. — Mary Gaitskill

Sometimes I write from the point of view of characters whom I would dislike as people, not as a perverse exercise, but because this cracks the story open and makes me see it in a way I would not see it naturally. — Mary Gaitskill

I feel I'm often misunderstood by critics. People project a lot or exaggerate the subjective fragility simply because it's frightening to them. — Mary Gaitskill

Somebody once said to me, 'If you want to be understood, don't write fiction.' — Mary Gaitskill

Anne Frank's diary made a very big impression on me at age 12 or so. — Mary Gaitskill

You can teach people a lot about craft and various techniques, and you can certainly teach them to appreciate, but you cannot give them spirit or soul if it's not there. — Mary Gaitskill

People sometimes turn out to be almost the opposite of how they present. It isn't because they're trying to fool you or because they're hypocrites. It's because they badly want to be that thing, and so they'll try to be it. — Mary Gaitskill

I remember back in the '90s, I used to feel criticized by women for not having children. Like there must be something wrong with me. — Mary Gaitskill

But this flower comes in the form of a human; it must soon succumb to disease, atrophy, ruined skin, broken teeth, the unbearable frailty of mortality. — Mary Gaitskill

Sometimes I decide I don't want to write because it isn't the thing for me to be doing right then, and I go do something else. — Mary Gaitskill

She was delicately morbid in all her gestures, sensitive, arrogant, vulnerable to flattery. She veered between extravagant outbursts of opinion and sudden, uncertain halts, during which she seemed to look to him for approval. She was in love with the idea of intelligence, and she overestimated her own. Her sense of the world, though she presented it aggressively, could be, he sensed, snatched out from under her with little or no trouble. She said, I hope you are a savage. — Mary Gaitskill

Human beings look so different from each other, voices are so different, everything about us is so individual, and that's so exciting and juicy and appealing, and we're attached to these things and they're so fascinating and beautiful - I don't just mean model-beautiful, but all the individual forms that people can take. — Mary Gaitskill

It's true that your environment influences how you write. — Mary Gaitskill

The art of integrating the ego and the impulse for empathy in a dynamic call and response. — Mary Gaitskill

Stories are the rich, unseen underlayer of the most ordinary moments. — Mary Gaitskill

If anything is scary about my writing, it's that it's the product of a very particular vision and doesn't reference common speech that heavily. By 'common speech,' I don't mean language as much as an agreed-on way of seeing, or a shorthand. — Mary Gaitskill

I think that with the proliferation of writing programs, people tend to forget that you also have to get used to working alone, and you have to be your own support. — Mary Gaitskill

The hard truth is that there are people who believe they're writers and work hard at it and are sincere about it, but they don't make it. You have to be prepared for that possibility. — Mary Gaitskill

Something like riding a horse - which I've recently started doing - requires courage, especially for me, as I started out being actually scared of horses. — Mary Gaitskill

People tend to set themselves up in patterns; something happens, it hurts them, then something similar happens, and - it's happened again! It seems much bigger then, and they get worried and go through life looking for that thing, and because they're so concerned and looking for it, when anything that happens resembles that thing, they're sure it's happening again. So sometimes people think things are repeating even when they're not. — Mary Gaitskill

She was starved hurting limbs. — Mary Gaitskill

It's nothing serious," he said. "It's just an obsession. — Mary Gaitskill

Valiantly, he tried to bring his soul to life in the small thing through which it had to live, and it was crushed, again and again. — Mary Gaitskill

For two people to satisfy everything each needs for their entire lives is a tall order. Some couples may be equipped to do this. Some are not. — Mary Gaitskill

Today I'm Yours. It was a crude and romantic song. But human feeling is crude and romantic. — Mary Gaitskill

Having watched television, I would kind of play the role or picture myself on a television show or something like that. That's maybe always been true of a certain type of kid, even before television maybe, but I think it's been amplified to an insane level. — Mary Gaitskill

We all came up out of the ground and took our forms. So much harder for us to have a form because we have one on the outside and too many inside. Depth, surface, power, fragility, direction, indirection, arrogance, servility, rocks, roots, grass, blossoms, dirt. We are a tangle of roots, a young branch, a flower, a moldy spore. You want to say, This is me; this is who I am. But you don't even know what it is, or what it's for. Time parts its shabby curtain: There is my father, listening to his music hard enough to break his own heart. Trying to borrow shapes for his emotions so that he may hold them out to the world and the world might say, Yes, we see. We feel. We understand. I touch the hazelnut bush gently as I pass. — Mary Gaitskill

I wasn't ever anybody who had a political thing against marriage, but I just thought, 'Why would I want to do that?' — Mary Gaitskill

He longed for a dim-eyed little slut with a big, bright mouth and black vinyl underwear. — Mary Gaitskill

Feel like the bright past is coming through the gray present and I want to look at it one more time. — Mary Gaitskill

My parents had met in high school and married right after my father came back from World War II. They honeymooned in Paris and returned to that city when my father, in college on the G.I. Bill, was awarded a Fulbright Scholarship. — Mary Gaitskill

I left the sadomasochist dump with a girl from the south of France named Simone. She was wearing a tight blue dress with red wine spilled down the front of it. She was so drunk, she didn't care. "Fuck it," she kept saying in English, "you know?" The tattooed doorman called out an endearment to us as we emerged for his cave ... We linked arms and walked. Simone was talking about her new boyfriend, but I didn't listen. I was thinking about Lisa's shame at Naxos, trying to gloat. But Alex was right- even a young girls shame could be beautiful. — Mary Gaitskill

What are you thinking? She asks.
-That you are beautiful. That not everyone could see it. I almost became the kind of person who could not. — Mary Gaitskill

Everybody wanted to be depressed. But your depression was supposed to be funny, too, and that was what had proved too much for Dolores. — Mary Gaitskill

There's no love in you because there's no sex in you. Sex is light and fertility and life and communication! You only have this ... pornography and submission and blackness and death! You're like a faggot! — Mary Gaitskill

The only way to know whats possible is to venture past impossible. — Mary Gaitskill

My ambition was to live like music. — Mary Gaitskill

Three writers together would be a nightmare of obstreperous self-consciousness. — Mary Gaitskill

At times she had thought that this was the only kind of connection you could have with people - intense, inexplicable and ultimately incomplete. — Mary Gaitskill

In my opinion, most of us have not been taught how to be responsible for our thoughts and feelings. I see this strongly in the widespread tendency to read books and stories as if they exist to confirm how we are supposed to be, think, and feel. I'm not talking about wacky political correctness, I'm talking mainstream ... Ladies and gentlemen, please. Stop asking, "What am I supposed to feel?" Why would an adult look to me or any other writer to tell him or her what to feel? You're not supposed to feel anything. You feel what you feel. Where you go with it is your responsibility. If a writer chooses to aggressively let you know what he or she feels, where you go with it is still your responsibility. — Mary Gaitskill

When I was writing 'Bad Behavior,' I was very, very quiet. I would just sit there and listen to people. And if I was out in public, I was usually quiet, and people tended to assume I was stupid because I was a young, pretty girl who's quiet. — Mary Gaitskill

When he held her that way, she felt so happy that it disturbed her. After he left, it would take her hours to fall asleep, and then when she woke up she would feel another onrush of agitated happiness, which was a lot like panic. She wished she could grab the happiness and mash it into a ball and hoard it and gloat over it, but she couldn't. It just ran around all over the place, disrupting everything. — Mary Gaitskill

It's scary to me to watch the world around us get less and less physical while in the imaginary world of pop culture, aggressive impulses and fear reactions are floridly, furiously stoked and indulged. — Mary Gaitskill

Perhaps it should be obvious: Adultery is a social threat that arouses raw anger and fear, which the bellicose then need to discharge rather than merely feel, traditionally on the philandering wife or the female home-wrecker. — Mary Gaitskill

Everyone says 'Anna Karenina' is about individual desire going against society, but I actually think the opposite is stronger: the way societal forces limit the expression of the individual. — Mary Gaitskill

Loading your brain with subliminal messages ... How loathsome to turn a sadistic murder into entertainment [in the newspaper]
and yet how hard not to read about it. What dark comedy to realize that you are scanning for descriptions of torture as you disapprove. Which of course only makes it more entertaining. "But naturally I was hoping they'd report something grisly," you say to your friends, who chuckle lighthearted acknowledgment of hypocrisy. — Mary Gaitskill

I think once you write fiction, you put it out, and it can be interpreted in a variety of ways, some of which are going to be shocking to the writer. — Mary Gaitskill

The appeal of perfume is that it is at once ephemeral and empowering. It creates a shimmering invisible armor that lingers in a room long after its wearer has gone and infuses our imagination with a subtle power, hinting at a hidden identity. — Mary Gaitskill

She disapproved, but part of her seemed secretly to sympathize with the sickness. It was like she thought everybody had it, and the best you could do was to cover it up, and sometimes it would just come boiling out anyway. Then you had to point at it and condemn it, even though you knew you had it too. — Mary Gaitskill

Writing requires an intense inner focus, and sometimes you need to express outward, physically or socially. — Mary Gaitskill

I didn't like horses when I was a kid. — Mary Gaitskill

The most rigid pattern was not the one imposed by the school system or the adolescent social system. It was the pattern I made of the people around me, a mythology for their incomprehensible activity, a mythology that brought me a cramped delight, which I protected by putting all possible space between myself and other people. the boundaries of my inner world did not extend out, but in, so that there was a large area of blank whiteness starting at my most external self and expanding inward until it reached the tiny inner province of dazzling color and activity that it safeguarded. — Mary Gaitskill

Where I grew up, in the Detroit area, there was a really good station. Sometimes you would hear songs for the first time on the radio, and if a really special song came on, somebody would turn it up, and everybody would just stop talking. — Mary Gaitskill

Dani said this woman, with whom she'd lived for two years, had never known her. "I feel like people accept the first thing I show them," she said, "and that's all I ever am to them. — Mary Gaitskill

I didn't want to keep forcing myself to grind out book after book. — Mary Gaitskill

When I was a kid, I did want to be a boy. I didn't like to play with dolls, and most of my friends were kind of sensitive, sissy boys. But as I got older, the mystique of being a girl began to interest me. It was confusing what sexuality was, and the responses of other people, but it didn't make me feel terrified or vulnerable. — Mary Gaitskill

I wanted to communicate and connect. I simply didn't seem able to do it. — Mary Gaitskill

The first person to blow up my fashion consciousness was a 14-year-old girl named Sandrine. She was the most beautiful human I had ever seen. — Mary Gaitskill

But now all the natural secrets have been exposed, and it is likely that the turtles have been sold to laboratory scientists who want to remove their shells so that they can wire electrodes to the turtles' skin in order to monitor their increasing terror at the loss of their shells. — Mary Gaitskill

He realized what had been disturbing him about her. With other women whom he had been with in similar situations, he had experienced a relaxing sense of emptiness within them that had made it easy for him to get inside them and, once there, smear himself all over their innermost territory until it was no longer theirs but his. — Mary Gaitskill

I don't think that the Internet creates feelings that aren't there, nor does it provide an outlet. On the contrary, what I have thought about things like computer games - what has disturbed me about them - is that they appear to stimulate feelings of aggression without providing any physical release. — Mary Gaitskill

Not being locked into one set of feelings, which you run the risk of mistaking for the truth, you have greater and more intense access to all feeling states, including those you would never choose to act out. — Mary Gaitskill

She doesn't think that the mean people she knows are the most passionate; they just want to laugh at everything. But then she remembers that she laughed when a boy in class played a joke on an ugly girl and made her cry. — Mary Gaitskill

I don't mean you should despise people for being weak, if it's a kind of weakness they can't help. But when they're weak on purpose, it's another thing. When they don't even try. When they let people hurt them and don't fight back. It's gross. It's letting down the whole human race. — Mary Gaitskill

I think people try to make the most of their time on Earth and also to 'fix' their time on Earth. — Mary Gaitskill

The best definition I've heard is that guilt is about what you've done, shame is about who you are. If something's out of my control, I don't feel shame about it, because what could I have done? If you're guilty, you can at least try to atone for it or make it better or not do it again. If it's who you are, you can't do much about it except change yourself, and that's pretty hard. — Mary Gaitskill

My first and strongest memories about perfume come from childhood, from my mother, and they are a complex blend of her private and public selves. — Mary Gaitskill

I think a lot of writing, or a lot of young writers, especially, hold themselves back unnecessarily because they're so upset about the idea that they might be sentimental or so concerned about being criticized that way or even being that way that they just shy away from any strong expression or emotion. — Mary Gaitskill

I don't know if I can say exactly what I seek in books, but one of them would be to deepen and expand my understanding of the world. — Mary Gaitskill

I didn't start thinking about what I wanted to do professionally until I was 17. I was a hippie, but I did write. — Mary Gaitskill

Writing is ... being able to take something whole and fiercely alive that exists inside you in some unknowable combination of thought, feeling, physicality, and spirit, and to then store it like a genie in tense, tiny black symbols on a calm white page. If the wrong reader comes across the words, they will remain just words. But for the right readers, your vision blooms off the page and is absorbed into their minds like smoke, where it will re-form, whole and alive, fully adapted to its new environment. — Mary Gaitskill

On the rare occasions when my mother perfumed herself, she was going out, and so I rarely smelled those special scents up close on her body, except during kisses goodbye. — Mary Gaitskill

I had really wanted adventure. At the time that I ran away, lots of kids ran away from home. It was something of a social phenomenon. — Mary Gaitskill

I have to have dinner with my mother at nine and after that I won't be fit for human society. — Mary Gaitskill

I loved to read and would read anything that roused my interest, whether it was below my age level or above it, even if I could barely make sense of it. — Mary Gaitskill

The place Joanne is building inside [herself] has rooms for all of this. Not just rooms. Beautiful ones. For Karl and Jerry and Karen and Nate in his cowboy hat and the hot-tub guy and movie directors and old-lady healers and people trying to love their asses and people who think they're stupid for it. In these rooms, each thing that looks crazy or stupid will be like a drawing you give your mother, regarded with complete acceptance and put on the wall. Not because it is good but because it is trying to understand something. In these rooms, there will be understanding. In these rooms, each madness and stupidity will be unfolded from its knot and smoothed with loving hands until the true thing inside lies revealed. — Mary Gaitskill

He was beginning to see her as a locked garden that he could sneak into and sit in for days, tearing the heads off the flowers. — Mary Gaitskill

I used to start at about 10 at night and work until early morning. My preferred way to work is to start in the early afternoon and work until about 3, go do errands, have dinner, and then write for a few more hours in the evening. — Mary Gaitskill

I believe that the truest parts of people can be buried, and for many different reasons. — Mary Gaitskill

The hurts of childhood that must be avenged: so small and so huge. — Mary Gaitskill

I remember the time I said, 'I don't think you love yourself. You need to learn to love yourself.' — Mary Gaitskill

People say that if you talk too much about sex, you take away the mystery. I say, if you're somebody who likes to talk, talk all you want - it's not listening. You will never take away the mystery. — Mary Gaitskill

Of course there's something there; unfortunately, there's always something 'there.' Something you will one day be sorry you saw. — Mary Gaitskill

You can't tell an 18-year-old to keep it down and turn off Britney Spears or whatever it is that they listen to. — Mary Gaitskill

I wanted to know people. I wanted to love. But I didn't realize how badly I had been hurt. I didn't realize that my habit of distance had become so unconscious and deep that I didn't know how to be with another person. I could only fix that person in my imagination and turn him this way and that, trying to feel him, until my mind was tired and raw. — Mary Gaitskill