Marshall B. Rosenberg Quotes & Sayings

When we understand the needs that motivate our own and others behavior, we have no enemies. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Two things distinguish nonviolent actions from violent actions. First, you don't see an enemy and second, your intention is not to make the other side suffer. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

When I recognize I've got anger, then I realize it's because I have a need that's not being met. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Make your goal to attend to your underlying needs and to aim for a resolution so satisfying that everyone involved has their needs met also. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Punishment also includes judgmental labeling and the withholding of privileges. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

NVC requires us to be continually conscious of the beauty within ourselves and other people. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Two questions help us see why we are unlikely to get what we want by using punishment ... The first question is: What do I want this person to do that's different from what he or she is currently doing? If we ask only this first question, punishment may seem effective because the threat or exercise of punitive force may well influence the person's behavior. However, with the second question, it becomes evident that punishment isn't likely to work: What do I want this person's reasons to be for doing what I'm asking? — Marshall B. Rosenberg

When we listen for their feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The only time a message (label) can scare us is if we think there is such a thing, and that such a thing is a disgrace. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

If we become skilled in giving ourselves empathy, we often experience in just a few seconds a natural release of energy which then enables us to be present with the other person. If this fails to happen, however, we have a couple of other choices. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

A respectful understanding of another's experience. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Upset? Ask yourself what this person does that is a trigger for judging them? — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Imagine connecting with the human spirit in each person in any situation at any time. Imagine interacting with others in a way that allows everyone's need to be equally valued. Imagine creating organizations and life-serving systems responsive to our needs and the needs of our environment. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

We want people to change because they see better ways of meeting their needs at less cost, not because of fear that we're going to punish them, or 'guilt' them if they don't. This applies to ourselves as well. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Labeling and diagnosis is a catastrophic way to communicate. Telling other people what's wrong with them greatly reduces, almost to zero, the probability that we're going to get what we're after. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Focusing on the unmet need (not the judgment) is more likely to get the need met. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Also, think about your intentionality - are you getting lost in the method? or coming from the intentionality, the purpose? You don't want to do the mechanics without the consciousness. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Classifying and judging people promotes violence. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

We never really know what we want until after we get it. If after we get it, it makes life more miserable, we know that isn't what we wanted. If it makes our life wonderful, we know this is a strategy which will meet out need. That's why Paul Tillich, the theologian says we need to sin courageously. You ask for what you want, hoping to meet your needs. If you get it and it makes life worse, you learn that this isn't what I want. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The Chinese philosopher Chuang-Tzu stated that true empathy requires listening with the whole being: The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

NVC shows us a way of being very honest, but without any criticism, insults, or putdowns, and without any intellectual diagnosis implying wrongness. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Needs are never conflicting. When we say that, we are only saying that at the moment we aren't seeing how both needs can be met. That leaves an opening. When you think in the way I'm suggesting, you'll often find a way to get most needs met simultaneously. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

We're not taught to think in terms of needs. We don't make nice dead people when we're in touch with needs. Domination structures cannot maintain themselves when citizens are educated to be alive. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Empathy before education. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

As radical as it may seem, it is possible to do things only out of play. I believe that to the degree that we engage moment by moment in the playfulness of enriching life- motivated solely by the desire for its enrichment- to that degree are we being compassionate with ourselves. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

As soon as you say, "are you feeling X because I ... " Then the Jackal starts to salivate because he can educate the person that he's the cause of his pain. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

It establishes the speaker as someone who sits in judgment. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

All human actions are an attempt to meet needs. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

You'll find people less threatening if you hear what they're needing rather than what they're thinking about you. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

peace cannot be built on the foundations of fear. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

I'm going to show you a technology today which takes insults and criticisms out of the airwaves. (Marshall puts on giraffe ears) With this technology, it will be impossible for you to hear criticisms, harsh remarks, or insults. All you can hear is what all people are ever saying, "please" and "thank you". What used to sound like criticism, judgment, or blame, you will see, are really tragic, suicidal expressions of "please". — Marshall B. Rosenberg

If I'm using Nonviolent Communication I never, never, never hear what somebody thinks about me. Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer. You'll enjoy life more. Hear the truth. The truth is that when somebody's telling you what's wrong with you, the truth is they have a need that isn't getting met. Hear that they're in pain. Don't hear the analysis. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The number one reason that we don't get our needs met, we don't express them. We express judgments. If we do express needs, the number two reasons we don't our needs met, we don't make clear requests. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

As we learn to speak from the heart we are changing the habits of a lifetime. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Now, with regard to the people who have done things we call "terrorism," I'm confident they have been expressing their pain in many different ways for thirty years or more. Instead of our empathically receiving it when they expressed it in much gentler ways
they were trying to tell us how hurt they felt that some of their most sacred needs were not being respected by the way we were trying to meet our economic and military needs
they got progressively more agitated. Finally, they got so agitated that it took horrible form. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Compliments and praise, for their part, are tragic expressions of fulfilled needs — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments however positive, and are sometimes offered to manipulate the behavior of others. NVC encourages the expression of appreciation solely for celebration. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

When we hear the other person's feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Once you can clearly describe what you are reacting to, free of your interpretation or evaluation of it, other people are less likely to be defensive when they hear it. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

To practice the process of conflict resolution, we must completely abandon the goal of getting people to do what we want. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

We want to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

When you are in a jackal environment, never give them the power to submit or rebel. We want to teach this to children very early: Never lose track that you are always free to choose. Don't allow institutions to determine what you do. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in the derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves. As author and mythologist Joseph Campbell suggested, "'What will they think of me?' must be put aside for bliss." We begin to feel this bliss when messages previously experienced as critical or blaming begin to be seen for the gifts they are: opportunities to give to people who are in pain. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

You can't make your kids do anything. All you can do is make them wish they had. And then, they will make you wish you hadn't made them wish they had. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

What I want in my life is compassion
a flow between myself and others
based on mutual giving from the heart. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Always listen to what people need rather than what they are thinking about us. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

To practice NVC, it's critical for me to be able to slow down, take my time, to come from an energy I choose, the one I believe that we were meant to come from, not the one I was programmed into. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. When people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. It's important that when we address somebody that we're clear what we want back. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Often, instead of offering empathy, we have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Miracles can happen when we can keep our consciousness away from analyzing and classifying one another. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Children need far more than basic skills in reading, writing, and math, as important as those might be. Children also need to learn how to think for themselves, how to find meaning in what they learn, and how to work and live together. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

When we are depressed, our thinking blocks us from being aware of our needs, and then being able to take action to meet our needs. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

It's really a spiritual practice that I am trying to show as a way of life. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

All people ever say is: THANK YOU (a celebration of life) and PLEASE (an opportunity to make life more wonderful). — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Understanding and connection can transcend conflict. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

People don't make us angry, how we think makes us angry. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Never hear what a jackal-speaking person thinks, especially what they think about you. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

I try never to hear what another person thinks of me. I enjoy life a lot more when I spend as little time as possible hearing or thinking about what other people think about me. I go to the needs behind the thoughts. Then I'm in a different world. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Interpretations, criticisms, diagnoses, and judgments of others are actually alienated expressions of our unmet needs. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Never question the beauty of what you are saying because someone reacts with pain, judgment, criticism. It just means they have not heard you. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Anger can be a wonderful wake up call to help you understand what you need and what you value. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Before we tackle the gangs and the basic story, we have to make sure that we have liberated ourselves from how we have been educated and make sure we are coming from a spirituality of our own choosing. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Our survival as a species depends on our ability to recognize that our well-being and the well-being of others are in fact one and the same. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

With empathy we don't direct, we follow. Don't just do something, be there. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

There are the two main reasons we don't get our needs met. First, we don't know how to express our needs to begin with and second if we do, we forget to put a clear request after it, or we use vague words like appreciate, listen, recognize, know, be real, and stuff like that. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Thinking based on who deserves what blocks compassionate communication. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Our goal is to create a quality of empathic connection that allows everyone's needs to be met. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

If you think ahead to what to say next - like how to fix it or make the person feel better - BOOM! Off the board. You're into the future. Empathy requires staying with the energy that's here right now. Not using any technique. Just being present. When I have really connected to this energy, it's like I wasn't there. I call this "watching the magic show". In this presence, a very precious energy works through us that can heal anything, and this relieves me from my "fix-it" tendencies. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Keep in mind that other people's actions can never 'make' you feel any certain way. Feelings are your warning indicators. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

We need empathy to give empathy. When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to (a) stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy, (b) scream nonviolently, or (c) take time out. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Not getting our needs fulfilled is painful - but it's a sweet pain, not suffering, which is what comes from life-alienated thinking and interpretation. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Use anger as a wake-up call to unmet needs. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

If the other persons behavior is not in harmony with my own needs, the more I empathize with them and their needs, the more likely I am to get me own needs met. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

An important aspect of self-compassion is to be able to empathically hold both parts of ourselves-the self that regrets a past action and the self that took the action in the first place. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer. Hear that they're in pain. Don't hear their analysis. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The key to fostering connection in the face of a 'no' is always hearing 'yes' to something else. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

To do this, you can bring in nothing from the past. So the more psychology you've studied, the harder it will be to empathize. The more you know the person, the harder it will be to empathize. Diagnoses and past experiences can instantly knock you off the board. This doesn't mean denying the past. Past experiences can stimulate what's alive in this moment. But are you present to what was alive then or what the person is feeling and needing in this moment? — Marshall B. Rosenberg

People heal from their pain when they have an authentic connection with another human being. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Social change involves helping people see new options for making life wonderful that are less costly to get needs met. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

In empathy, you don't speak at all. You speak with the eyes. You speak with your body. If you say any words at all, it's because you are not sure you are with the person. So you may say some words. But the words are not empathy. Empathy is when the other person feels the connection with what's alive in you. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

NVC helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The more we talk about the past, the less we heal from it. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

We are responsible for what we hear other people say and for how we act. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

At the root of every tantrum and power struggle are unmet needs. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Punishment is the root of violence on our planet. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

However impressed we may be with NVC concepts, it is only through practice and application that our lives are transformed. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

We do not look for compromise; rather, we seek to resolve the conflict to everyone's complete satisfaction. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

I recommend allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief. When we proceed too quickly to what people might be requesting, we may not convey our genuine interest in their feelings and needs; instead, they may get the impression that we're in a hurry to either be free of them or to fix their problem. Furthermore, an initial message is often like the tip of an iceberg; it may be followed by yet unexpressed, but related - and often more powerful - feelings. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Tragically, one of the rarest commodities in our culture is empathy. People are hungry for empathy, They don't know how to ask for it. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Praise and reward create a system of extrinsic motivations for behavior. Children (and adults) end up taking action in order to receive the praise or rewards. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

You don't have to be brilliant. It's enough to become progressively less stupid. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

We give empathy to others for our own benefit. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Have you ever been surfing? Imagine you're on your surfboard now, waiting for the big one to come. Get ready to get carried with that energy. Now, here it comes. That's empathy. No words - just being with that energy. When I connect with what's alive in another person, I have feelings similar to when I'm surfing. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

It may be most difficult to empathize with those we are closest to. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Use the words "I feel because I" to remind us that what we feel it isn't because of what the other person did, but because of a choice I've made. — Marshall B. Rosenberg