Louis C.K. Quotes & Sayings
Enjoy the top 100 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Louis C.K..
Famous Quotes By Louis C.K.
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash. — Louis C.K.
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes. — Louis C.K.
Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue. — Louis C.K.
I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat. — Louis C.K.
Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even. — Louis C.K.
If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it. — Louis C.K.
I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?' — Louis C.K.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I'm seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together." — Louis C.K.
One time, I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I was with a friend who said to me, You just littered on the street! Don't you care about the environment? And I thought about it, and I said, You know what? This isn't the environment. This is New York City. New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter. Next to Mexico City, it's the shittiest piece of litter in the world. Just a pussy, runny, smokin', stinkin' piece of litter. — Louis C.K.
I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh ... I guess I said something, and, uh ... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she ... " Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it." — Louis C.K.
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December. — Louis C.K.
I remember the day I saw my hair was thinning. I don't remember caring much. I don't care. It's just hair. It never bothered me much. I was pretty young, too. And it happened and is happening very slowly. I have a feeling dead people get really mad when we complain about losing hair. — Louis C.K.
A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good. — Louis C.K.
I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with." — Louis C.K.
You have to be able to do a bunch of things at once, and not think about things you're not doing while you're doing other things. You have to be disciplined about not trying to do everything, all at the same time. It's hard and fun. — Louis C.K.
Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars. — Louis C.K.
Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.' — Louis C.K.
I found out that I'm a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing. But my kids love me. Go figure. — Louis C.K.
I'm close to my audience. I think I have more tools in my box than other guys who might try it. Also, I know how to do this stuff. I know how to write and shoot and edit. I'm technically adept and that helped with the website. You need a big skill set. — Louis C.K.
It doesn't have any effect on your life. What do you care?! People try to talk about it like it's a social issue. Like when you see someone stand up on a talk show and say, How am I supposed to explain to my children that two men are getting married? ... I dunno. It's your shitty kid. You fuckin' tell 'em. Why is that anyone else's problem? Two guys are in LOVE and they can't get married because you don't want to talk to your ugly child for five fuckin' minutes? — Louis C.K.
If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor, you can't go - I guess there's forms of it. — Louis C.K.
You can't direct without a good crew. — Louis C.K.
There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it. — Louis C.K.
I watch a lot of sports. But when I'm not working, I'm with my daughters every chance I get. — Louis C.K.
I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum. — Louis C.K.
Comedians and Feminists are natural enemies. Because stereotypically speaking, feminists can't take a joke and comedians can't take criticism. — Louis C.K.
There's no way you ask Sean Penn a question and then, you're gonna be HUGE ! — Louis C.K.
I find that when people laugh really hard, it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff. — Louis C.K.
There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.' — Louis C.K.
Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it. — Louis C.K.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing. — Louis C.K.
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something. — Louis C.K.
When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't. — Louis C.K.
The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them. — Louis C.K.
I was an awkward kid. — Louis C.K.
When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way to articulate it and inspire them. — Louis C.K.
I would rather be with my kids than anybody else. — Louis C.K.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter. — Louis C.K.
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth. — Louis C.K.
If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like ... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no-there's a person." — Louis C.K.
I don't think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women. — Louis C.K.
Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on. — Louis C.K.
Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See? — Louis C.K.
I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!" — Louis C.K.
That's a good question. I don't really remember what it was like before. Whatever I had going on, it was bullshit. It wasn't important. It's kind of a nice thing about being a dad. My identity is really about them now, and what I can do for them, so it sort of takes the pressure off of your own life. What am I going to do, who am I? Who cares, you've got to get your kids to school. So I like it that way. — Louis C.K.
I don't feel those limits when I'm on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it's all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring. — Louis C.K.
Stand-up is probably the most solo performance in art. — Louis C.K.
Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I've been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone's dying, like laughing so they're delirious. It's like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean. — Louis C.K.
People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not. — Louis C.K.
A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together. — Louis C.K.
A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much. — Louis C.K.
My kids and I figured out that there's a third kind of person, and I don't know what you call them, but it's somebody who sees that the glass is always full because it's half full with water and half full with nothing, so that's the third kind of person. I don't know what it is. — Louis C.K.
I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you're alive is amazing, so you don't get to say 'I'm bored. — Louis C.K.
Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy. — Louis C.K.
I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up. — Louis C.K.
You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.' — Louis C.K.
You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something, — Louis C.K.
Race doesn't mean what it used to in America anymore. It just doesn't. Obama's black, but he's not black the way people used to define that. Is black your experience or the color of your skin? My experience is as a Mexican immigrant, more so than someone like George Lopez. He's from California. But he'll be treated as an immigrant. I am an outsider. My abuelita, my grandmother, didn't speak English. My whole family on my dad's side is in Mexico. I won't ever be called that or treated that way, but it was my experience. — Louis C.K.
There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?' — Louis C.K.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing. — Louis C.K.
Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. — Louis C.K.
I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed. — Louis C.K.
What we've done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It's not even real any more. You used to be able to give a kid an apple and they would love it. Kids can't even taste apples any more. Apples taste like paper to kids now. — Louis C.K.
I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking English - I was basically an immigrant. But I picked up the language fast and soon I knew that I wanted to be a writer. — Louis C.K.
What happens after you die?" "Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you. — Louis C.K.
Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head. — Louis C.K.
Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true. — Louis C.K.
You have to do a show as honestly as you can. But you also can't afford skepticism, because it's preparing for failure, which is useless. — Louis C.K.
You'll be fine. You're 25. Feeling [unsure] and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You'll be okay. Even if you don't feel okay all the time. — Louis C.K.
I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.' — Louis C.K.
You know when you see a mother someplace just melting down on her kid? She's like, 'Shut up, I hate you, you're ugly!' ... Any parents there are thinking, 'What did that shitty kid do to that poor woman? That poor woman. I wish I could help.' — Louis C.K.
I don't have a brother in real life. — Louis C.K.
To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw. — Louis C.K.
When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep. — Louis C.K.
I could never sit down and write jokes. — Louis C.K.
I just don't trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there's been another ridiculous climb of the Dow Jones, there's a part of me that goes, "This can't be good." None of this is real money. You know what I mean? It's not like there's actually more of anything. It's just ideas. When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well. — Louis C.K.
I love stand-up more than anything, and I'm so happy to have found a way to use it in the show. — Louis C.K.
I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and I wasn't good at it. I was only 17-years-old, so I had a lot to learn about life in general. But I just kept on trying. I was young enough and stupid enough and I had no other choice. I had nothing else I was good at. — Louis C.K.
Misery is wasted on the miserable. — Louis C.K.
There's a need to perfect things in a writers' room, and that can take a lot of fun out of a show sometimes. It's a struggle. It depends on your personality. Some people love working with a writing staff. I had a great writing staff on Lucky Louie, but it sometimes felt like Congress or something. — Louis C.K.
Why am I angry? Every morning, I wake up, I open my eyes, remember who and what I am and I say, "Yuck." Then I go about my day, and when it's over, I get back in bed, put a sheet between my sweaty legs and, as I drift off, looking back on a day of being this shitbag of a human, I mutter to myself, "Jesus Christ. — Louis C.K.
Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness. — Louis C.K.
Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'. — Louis C.K.
When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.' — Louis C.K.
Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it's like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind. — Louis C.K.
Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance. — Louis C.K.
I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now. — Louis C.K.
I love comedians. They're my community. — Louis C.K.
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. — Louis C.K.
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at. — Louis C.K.
It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me. — Louis C.K.
Either I'll never get rich from the show but remain intensely proud of the work and stand behind every second of it, or it catches on and I'll make my money down the road. — Louis C.K.
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to. — Louis C.K.
I was watching Rocky with a friend of mine. And there's all these scenes of him sitting on this dirty mattress, alone- this guy is so alone, it's beautiful how alone he is. Nobody's alone like that anymore. Nobody. — Louis C.K.
America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out. — Louis C.K.
Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better. — Louis C.K.