Lewis Grizzard Quotes & Sayings

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease. — Lewis Grizzard

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck. — Lewis Grizzard

The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wiggle out of one. — Lewis Grizzard

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that. — Lewis Grizzard

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago. — Lewis Grizzard

I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them. — Lewis Grizzard

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity. — Lewis Grizzard

There's no such thing as being too Southern. — Lewis Grizzard

If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground. — Lewis Grizzard

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done. — Lewis Grizzard

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. — Lewis Grizzard

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards. — Lewis Grizzard

Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?" — Lewis Grizzard

Spring time is the land awakening. — Lewis Grizzard

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing. — Lewis Grizzard

Let's all start walking more and driving less. — Lewis Grizzard

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?' — Lewis Grizzard

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house. — Lewis Grizzard

If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes. — Lewis Grizzard

When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room, Will I Be Too Old To Care? — Lewis Grizzard

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month. — Lewis Grizzard

Elvis is dead and I don't feel good for myself. — Lewis Grizzard

Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different. — Lewis Grizzard

Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. — Lewis Grizzard

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life's work. — Lewis Grizzard

"Have you done your homework?" my mother would ask. "I'll do it later." "You will do it now, young man. I don't want you winding up on the third shift at Flagg-Utica." Flagg-Utica was a local textile plant. Somehow, I never could figure how failing to read three chapters in my geography book about the various sorts of vegetation to be found in a tropical rain forest had anything to do with facing a life as a mill hand. But with enough guilt and fear as catalysts, you can read anything, even geography books and Deuteronomy. — Lewis Grizzard

They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat. — Lewis Grizzard

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out. — Lewis Grizzard

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi — Lewis Grizzard

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. — Lewis Grizzard

In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'. — Lewis Grizzard

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it. — Lewis Grizzard

I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower. — Lewis Grizzard

Chilli dawgs always bark at night. — Lewis Grizzard

If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low. — Lewis Grizzard

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato. — Lewis Grizzard

Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did, someone else would own the orchard. — Lewis Grizzard

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing. — Lewis Grizzard

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married. — Lewis Grizzard

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence. — Lewis Grizzard

Show business is my life. — Lewis Grizzard

If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes. — Lewis Grizzard