Lemony Snicket Quotes & Sayings

The part libraries play in education is the part bubbles play in champagne. They may seem at first to be merely a shimmery addition, but they are the central feature of the entire enterprise and the reason, joyous and astonishing, to keep imbibing. — Lemony Snicket

Well," he said, "this isn't too bad. My left leg is broken, but at least I'm right-legged. That's pretty fortunate."
"Gee," one of the other employees murmured. "I thought he'd say something more along the lines of 'Aaaaah! My leg! My leg!'"
"If someone could just help me get to my foot," Phil said, "I'm sure that I can get back to work."
"Don't be ridiculous," Violet said. "You need to go to a hospital."
"Yes, Phil," another worker said. "We have those coupons from last month, fifty percent off a cast at the Ahab Memorial Hospital. Two of us will chip in and get your leg all fixed up. I'll call for an ambulance right away. — Lemony Snicket

Is the mask working?" she asked me.
"How can I tell?"
"If you can breath, then it's working. — Lemony Snicket

Criminals should be punished, not fed pastries. — Lemony Snicket

Just knowing that they could read made the Baudelaire orphans feel as if their wretched lives could be a little brighter. — Lemony Snicket

I am often very lonely up on this hill by myself, and when Mr. Poe wrote to me about your troubles I didn't want you to be as lonely as I was when I lost my dear Ike. — Lemony Snicket

Why does anyone have a lot of rules? So they can boss people around, I guess. — Lemony Snicket

It is always terrible to be told to go play with people one doesn't know ... — Lemony Snicket

Instead of the word 'love' there was an enormous heart, a symbol sometimes used by people who have trouble figuring out the difference between words and shapes. — Lemony Snicket

Knowing that something is wrong and doing it anyway happens very often in life, and I doubt I will ever know why. — Lemony Snicket

Listen to this, Sunny," she said, when her sister opened her eyes. "'Once a subject has been hypnotized, a simple hmmm word will make him or her perform whatever hmmm acts any hmmm wants hmmmed.'"
"Hmmm?" Sunny asked.
"Those are the words I don't know" Violet explained. — Lemony Snicket

Klaus had known for all twelve of his years that his older sister found a hand on her shoulder comforting - as long as the hand was attached to an arm, of course. — Lemony Snicket

There are many reasons, of course, why someone might snap their fingers and grin. If you heard some pleasing music, for instance, you might snap your fingers and grin to demonstrate that the music had charms that could soothe your savage breast. If you were employed as a spy, you might snap your fingers and grin in order to deliver a message in secret snapping-and-grinning code. — Lemony Snicket

Except people who have no respect for the alphabet! And they're not here! Are they?" "No," Klaus said. "We have a great deal of respect for the alphabet." "I should say so!" the captain cried. "Klaus Baudelaire disrespect the alphabet? Why, it's unthinkable! Aye! It's illegal! It's impossible! It's not true! How dare you say so! No - you didn't say so! I apologize! One thousand pardons! Aye! — Lemony Snicket

Not that kind of aristocracy," I said with both feet on the floor. "Not an aristocracy of power, based on rank or wealth, but an aristocracy of the sensitive, the considerate, and the plucky. Our members are found in all nations and classes, and through the ages, and there is a secret understanding between us when we meet. — Lemony Snicket

I'll tell you why I'm Shirley," Count Olaf said. "I'm Shirley because I would like to be called Shirley, and it is impolite not to do so. — Lemony Snicket

Thinking about something is like picking up a stone when taking a walk, either while skipping rocks on the beach, for example, or looking for a way to shatter the glass doors of a museum. When you think about something, it adds a bit of weight to your walk, and as you think about more and more things you are liable to feel heavier and heavier, until you are so burdened you cannot take any further steps, and can only sit and stare at the gentle movements of the ocean waves or security guards, thinking too hard bout too many things to do anything else. — Lemony Snicket

Page thirteen of the Baudelaire file was not a crowded sheet of paper - there was just one photography and a sentence to make an author cry himself to sleep even years after the photograph was taken, or to make three siblings sit and stare at a page for a long time, as if an entire book were printed on one sheet of paper. — Lemony Snicket

When trouble strikes, head to the library. You will either be able to solve the problem, or simply have something to read as the world crashes down around you. — Lemony Snicket

Count Olaf certainly does sound evil. Imagine forcing children to stand near a stove! — Lemony Snicket

Like a church bell, a coffin, and a vat of melted chocolate, a supply closet is rarely a comfortable place to hide. — Lemony Snicket

The manager frowned, as if the middle Baudelaire had given him the wrong answer.
That's the rooftop bathing salon," he said. "People who sunbathe aren't usually interested in library science, so they're not picky about the salon's location. Now get moving! — Lemony Snicket

As she worked, she remembered something her parents had said to her when Klaus was born, and against when they brought Sunny home from the hospital. 'you are the eldest Baudelaire child,' they had said, kindly but firmly. 'And as the eldest, it will always be your responsibility to look after your younger siblings. Promise us that you will always watch out for them and make sure they don't get into trouble. — Lemony Snicket

It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and even Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it. — Lemony Snicket

Mr. Poe, who led the way, didn't seem to notice the hedges at all, possibly because he was busy coaching the children on how to behave. 'Now, Klaus, don't ask too many questions right away. Violet, what happened to the ribbon in your hair? I thought you looked very distinguished in it. And somebody please make sure Sunny doesn't bite Dr. Montgomery. That wouldn't be a good first impression. — Lemony Snicket

There are many mysteries I have never solved, and the hair of my chaperone is perhaps my most curious unsolved case. — Lemony Snicket

Wishing, like sipping a glass of punch, or pulling aside a bearskin rug in order to access a hidden trapdoor in the floor, is merely a quiet way to spend one's time before the candles are extinguished on one's birthday cake. — Lemony Snicket

There are some who say that sitting at home reading is the equivalent of travel, because the experiences described in the book are more or less the same as the experiences one might have on a voyages, and there are those who say that there is no substitute for venturing out into the world. My own opinion is that it is best to travel extensively but to read the entire time, hardly glancing up to look out of the window of the airplane, train, or hired camel. — Lemony Snicket

There are some who say that you should forgive everyone, even the people who
have disappointed you immeasurably. There are others who say you should not forgive anyone, and should stomp off in a huff no matter how many times they apologize.
Of these two philosophies, the second one is of course much more fun, but it can also grow exhausting to stomp off in a huff every time someone has disappointed you, as everyone disappoints everyone eventually, and one can't stomp off in a huff every minute of the day. — Lemony Snicket

If we keep waiting until we are ready, we will be waiting for the rest of your lives. — Lemony Snicket

Tears are curious things, for like earthquakes or puppet shows, they can occur at any time, without any warning and without any good reason. — Lemony Snicket

When you find the sort of people who will show up to give you a ride exactly when they've promised to do so, hold on to them for dear life. — Lemony Snicket

If you were smart," Genghis said, "you would have borrowed the silverware of one of your friends."
"We never thought of that," Klaus said. When one is forced to tell atrocious lies, one often feels a guilty flutter in one's stomach, and Klaus felt such a flutter now. "You certainly are an intelligent man."
"Not only am I intelligent," Genghis agreed, "but I'm also very smart. — Lemony Snicket

If you know somebody very well, like your grandmother or your baby sister, you will know when they are real and when they are fake. — Lemony Snicket

If you are a baby, your family will sere you in your underwear many times, and there's no use being embarrassed about it — Lemony Snicket

The last time I saw you, I was trying to throw thumbtacks into your cradle! — Lemony Snicket

Nothing firms up a friendship like a good-natured argument. — Lemony Snicket

As I'm sure you know, a good night's sleep helps you perform well in school, and so if you are a student you should always get a good night's sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which here means 'flunk. — Lemony Snicket

Crying is the opposite of scolding, because adults are hardly ever allowed to do it. — Lemony Snicket

The quoting of an aphorism, like the angry barking of a dog or the smell of overcooked broccoli, rarely indicates that something helpful is about to happen. — Lemony Snicket

If you work hard, and become successful, it does not necessarily mean you are successful because you worked hard, just as if you are tall with long hair it doesn't mean that you would be a midget if you were bald. — Lemony Snicket

So you're reluctant, I said to myself. Many, many people are reluctant. It's like having feet. It's nothing to brag about. — Lemony Snicket

It is much, much worse to receive bad news through the written word than by somebody simply telling you, and I'm sure you understand why. When somebody simply tells you bad news, you hear it once, and that's the end of it. But when bad news is written down, whether in a letter or a newspaper or on your arm in felt tip pen, each time you read it, you feel as if you are receiving the bad news again and again. — Lemony Snicket

I can't sleep if there's murderers on the loose!" cried another guest. "Amen, brother!" said another person. "If a crime has been committed, then it's our duty to stand around in our pajamas in the name of justice! — Lemony Snicket

The library was one enormous room, with long, high metal shelves and the perfect quiet that libraries provide for anyone looking for an answer. — Lemony Snicket

A long time ago, there was no such thing as school, and children spent their days learning a trade, a phrase which here means "standing around doing tedious tasks under the instruction of a bossy adult." In time, however, people realized that the children could be allowed to sit, and the first school was invented. — Lemony Snicket

It is not always the job of people shouting outside impressive buildings to solve problems. It is often the job of the people inside, who have paper, pens, desks, and an impressive view. — Lemony Snicket

A new experience can be extremely pleasurable, or extremely irritating, or somewhere in between, and you never know until you try it out. — Lemony Snicket

I recommend learning how to write a very good thank-you note. A child who can write a nice thank-you note can turn into a cocaine dealer five years later and be remembered as child who wrote nice thank-you notes. — Lemony Snicket

Never, under any circumstances, let the Virginian wolfsnake near a typewriter. — Lemony Snicket

It is unwise to make something permanent when the whole world is shifting. There may be a time when this symbol means something treacherous and terrible, rather than something noble and literate. — Lemony Snicket

You're the inventor," Klaus answered, buttoning his coat. "But you can't invent things like time, — Lemony Snicket

When one's stomach is as fluttery as all that, it is nice to take a short break to lie down and perhaps sip a fizzy beverage, but there was no time for such things. — Lemony Snicket

Quagmires, remember? — Lemony Snicket

O, great wise man,' she said, 'I have been wondering so many things. Is life more than sitting at home doing the same thing over and over? Wise man, is life more than watching one's relatives do unpleasant things, or more than grim tasks one must perform at school and at work? Is life more than being entertained by literature, wise man, or more than traveling from one place to another, suffering from poor emotional health and pondering the people one loves? And what about those who lead a life of mystery? And the mysteries of life? And, wise man, what about the overall feeling of doom that one cannot ever escape no matter what one does, and miscellaneous things that I have neglected to mention in specific? — Lemony Snicket

There is no worse sound in the world than someone who cannot play the violin but insists on doing so anyway. — Lemony Snicket

There are people like this wherever you go. They are part of the same mystery as you are, but you can't quite tell how you fit together. The world is a puzzle, and we cannot solve it alone. — Lemony Snicket

A huge cloud of dust is not a beautiful thing to look at. Very few painters have done portraits of huge clouds of dust or included them in their landscapes or still lifes. Film directors rarely choose huge clouds of dust to play the lead roles in romantic comedies, and as far as my research has shown, a huge cloud of dust has never placed higher than twenty-fifth in a beauty pageant. Nevertheless, as the Baudelaire orphans stumbled around the cell, dropped each half of the battering ram and listening to the sound of crows flying in circles outside, they stared at the huge cloud of dust as if it were a thing of great beauty. — Lemony Snicket

But I will take a page from the book of the Snow Scout leader, and skip ahead to the next interesting thing that happened, which was very, very late at night, when so many interesting parts of stories happen and so many people miss them because they are asleep in their beds, or hiding in the broom closet of a mustard factory, disguised as a dustpan to fool the night watchwoman. It — Lemony Snicket

A short woman might be difficult to see on a crowded city street, particularly if she has disguised herself as a mailbox, and people keep putting letters in her mouth. — Lemony Snicket

But there are many things in life that become different if you take a long look at them — Lemony Snicket

The treachery of the Inhumane society was controlled by one man. As a brilliant scientist, he could have saved the town, but instead he fed on the loneliness and discontent of the fading town, and pushed people in the direction hw thought was right. — Lemony Snicket

Get scared later, and if you're scared now remember what Kit always said. If you're not scared, she told me, it's not bravery. And you want to be brave, don't you, Snicket? — Lemony Snicket

Appearance matters a great deal because you can often tell a lot about people by looking at how they present themselves. — Lemony Snicket

The expression "following suit" is a curious one, because it has nothing to do with walking behind a matching set of clothing. If you follow suit, it means you do the same thing somebody else has just done. If all of your friends decided to jump off a bridge into the icy waters of an ocean or river, for instance, and you jumped in right after them, you would be following suit. You can see why following suit can be a dangerous thing to do, because you could end up drowning simply because somebody else thought of it first. — Lemony Snicket

It pain me to tell you that once again Count Olaf would appear with yet another disgusting scheme, and that Mr. Poe would once again fail to do anything even remotely helpful. — Lemony Snicket

Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch or you might simply get covered in sap and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors where it is harder to get a splinter. — Lemony Snicket

It is the things that have a history, L. Compared to them we are ghosts. — Lemony Snicket

In front of the cave there was a sign saying it was for sale, and the orphans could not imagine who would want to buy such a phantasmagorical - the word 'phantasmagorical' here mean 'all the creepy, scary words you can think of putting together' - place. — Lemony Snicket

A very long time ago, my brother and I played a game each morning while we waited for the school bus to arrive. We called the game Beethoven, and my sister refused to play because she thought it was inane. "Inane" is a word which here means that my brother and I would pretend we couldn't hear each other very well while we were talking. — Lemony Snicket

In my opinion, children should be seen and not heard. I'm an adult, so it follows that I should be heard and not seen. That's why I work exclusively over the intercom. — Lemony Snicket

She took Sunny's coat off, and then her own, and dropped them both on the floor. Normally, of course, one should hang up one's coat on a hook or in a closet, but itchy hives are very irritating and tend to make one abandon such matters. — Lemony Snicket

Deciding on a safe answer to a question is like deciding on a safe ingredient in a sandwich, because if you make the wrong decisions you may find that something horrible is coming out of your mouth. — Lemony Snicket

I myself fell in love with a wonderful women who was so charming and intelligent that I trusted that she would be my bride, but there was no way of knowing for sure, and all too soon circumstances changed and she ended up marrying someone else, all because of something she read in The Daily Punctilio. — Lemony Snicket

Sometimes, when you are reading a book you are enjoying very much, you begin thinking so hard about the characters and the story that you might forget all about the author, even if he is in grave danger and would very much appreciate your help. The same thing can happen if you are looking at a photograph. You might think so hard about whatever is in the photograph that you forget all about the person behind the camera. — Lemony Snicket

The expression 'quiet as mice' is a puzzling one, because mice can often be very noisy, so people who are being quite as mice may in fact be squeaking and scrambling around. The expression 'quiet as mimes' is more appropriate, because mimes are people who perform theatrical routines without making a sound. Mimes are annoying and embarrassing, but they are much quieter than mice, so 'quiet as mimes' is a more proper way to describe how Violet and Sunny got up from their bunk, tiptoed across the dormitory, and walked out into the night. — Lemony Snicket

Miracles can happen, even to those who are small, flammable, and dressed all in black. — Lemony Snicket

This feeling is not unlike the sinking in one's stomach when one is in an elevator that suddenly goes down, or when you are snug in your bed and your closet door suddenly creaks open to reveal the person who has been hiding there. — Lemony Snicket

Behind these two booths was an enormous roller coaster, a phrase which here mean 'a series of small carts where people can sit and race up and down steep and frightening hills of tracks, for no discernible reason — Lemony Snicket

The children had been using these spatulas as oars, but rowing a boat is very hard work, particularly if one's traveling companions are too busy bragging to help out, and Violet was trying to think of a way they might move the boat faster. — Lemony Snicket

We're not out of the woods yet. — Lemony Snicket

Inside these letters, the eye will see
Nearby are your friends, and VFD. — Lemony Snicket

In this large and fierce world of ours, there are many, many unpleasant places to be. You can be in a river swarming with angry electric eels, or in a supermarket filled with vicious long-distance runners. You can be in a hotel that has no room service, or you can be lost in a forest that is slowly filling up with water. You can be in a hornet's nest or in an abandoned airport or in the office of a pediatric surgeon, but one of the most unpleasant things that can happen is to find yourself in a quandary. Which is where the Baudelaire orphans found themselves that night. Finding yourself in a quandary means that everything seems confusing and dangerous and you don't know what in the world to do about it, and it is one of the worst unpleasantries you can encounter. — Lemony Snicket

There's nothing wrong with athletics, but they shouldn't get in the way of your schoolwork. — Lemony Snicket

I led her into the newsroom, removed the sheet, and pointed to the statue of the Bombinating Beast. She gestured to me that I should be the one to take it. I gestured back that she was the chaperone and the leader of this caper. She gestured to me that I shouldn't argue with her. I gestured to her that I was the one who had gotten us into the house in the first place. She gestured to me that my predecessor knew that the apprentice should never argue with the chaperone or complain and that I might model my own behavior after his. I gestured to her asking what the 'S' stood for in her name, and she replied with a very rude gesture, and I grabbed the statue and tucked it into my vest. — Lemony Snicket

I will love you as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence, and as justice loves to sit and watch while everything goes wrong. — Lemony Snicket

That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly lit version of day, ... — Lemony Snicket

I am sure you have heard that appearance doesn't matter and that it's what's on the inside that counts. Well that of course is utter nonsense, because if no one cared about what's on the outside no one would take a bath or comb their hair and the world would be a lot smellier than it already is! — Lemony Snicket

I thought the war was a simple matter, with one side good and the other evil. But the more I read, the less clear it was. — Lemony Snicket

Are you ready?" Klaus asked finally.
"No," Sunny answered.
"Me neither," Violet said, "but if we wait until we're ready we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives, Let's go. — Lemony Snicket

Nobody knows what an idea will do when it goes off to entertain itself, particularly if the idea comes from a sinister villain. — Lemony Snicket

If everyone fought fire with fire, the whole world would go up in smoke. — Lemony Snicket

The passageway was still as dark as a bar of extra-dark chocolate sitting in a planetarium covered in a thick, black blanket — Lemony Snicket

Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. — Lemony Snicket

Just because something is typed-whether it is typed on a business card or typed in a newspaper or book-this does not mean that it is true. — Lemony Snicket

Anyone who gives you a cinnamon roll fresh out of the oven is a friend for life. — Lemony Snicket

- "What kind of funny?" I asked her. "Funny like a clown onstage? Or funny like a clown hanging around the entrance to a bank?"
-"The bank one. — Lemony Snicket

Sometimes, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation. "I hate everything about our lives right now, Klaus," she said, "but we have to keep our chin up." This was an expression the children's father had used, and it meant "try to stay cheerful." -P. 32 — Lemony Snicket

All these things are miracles. It is a miracle if you can find true friends, and it is a miracle if you have enough food to eat, and it is a miracle if you get to spend your days and evenings doing whatever it is you like to do. — Lemony Snicket

I didn't realize this was a sad occasion. — Lemony Snicket