Kirsty Eagar Quotes & Sayings

When I come over the top of the dune I see the ocean and I feel like I'm seeing it for the first time.
Today it's blue, straight and simple. Raw blue. — Kirsty Eagar

The grief I'm feeling is heavy and raw, pressing down on me, breaking my chest apart. It hurts to even touch the edges of it. It's to do with Grandad being gone. The loss of him, and the loss of me. I heard someone say once that grandparents are the guardians of our childhoods, and for the first time I really understand what that means. — Kirsty Eagar

They stared at each other for a long time. The rest of the world had gone somewhere else and everything that needed to be said was being said without talking. And Jamie knew how much he'd lost. — Kirsty Eagar

He's still singing to himself, eyes closed, pretending, I think, that I'm someone else.
I shout in his ear again. 'So you can't just lay down and die?'
He doesn't open his eyes, but he nods. 'You can't just lay down and die — Kirsty Eagar

You cant rely on anybody being around for you, because things change. — Kirsty Eagar

She was thin like Kylie, but she had a manic energy like Shane, so it was probably drugs.
That's just the means though, the end result is the same. She was one of us. Her, Shane, Marty, Roger, Kylie, me.
People being eaten alive from the inside out. — Kirsty Eagar

I stare at his forearms. I can make out a naked woman with a snake going up her vagina. She's holding a knife, slitting her own throat. There are three playing cards on the back of his right hand: the Queen of Spades, the Jack of Hearts and the Joker. Red flames lick his elbow.
There's a watch tattooed on his left wrist with 'Fuck Time' inscribed on its face. Fuck o'clock.
He's not that tall, but his body is carefully cut. The lines of his face, his cheekbones and jaw, are sharp and precise. I can see the tufts of his blond underarm hairs and under them the ladder of his ribs. He's beautiful, in the way that a knife is beautiful. — Kirsty Eagar

I am sick of playing games where you're not allowed to show how you feel. I don't have to play anymore. He just won. — Kirsty Eagar

Once they know they've got a hold of your shame, they can shake it out and hold it up for the all world to see. And you become less than it. You become something disgusting. — Kirsty Eagar

SVU, CSI, CSI: NY. These shows, they're all about things being done to females and children. If they were full of thing being done to say, Asians or black people, well, that probably wouldn't be allowed - not as many shows all the time. But females and children are okay. — Kirsty Eagar

Angry Girl has no cavity. She has teeth. — Kirsty Eagar

I have been acutely aware of the noise of the wash. The slow, steady beat of those little waves lapping the shore sounds like the rhythm of an ancient heart. And I know that this place is old, so old time doesn't matter. — Kirsty Eagar

But I do agree with Mr Findlay about one thing: I am desperate to paint, so it's probably time to start. Because you can plan all you want, but most of the time, the ideas come when you're working. And no matter how much you try to control it, you'll still paint it wrong before you paint it right. — Kirsty Eagar

There was thin, reverberating silence; the sort of delicately plucked note that isn't heard, but felt in the heart. — Kirsty Eagar

And that's my problem. You can't rely on anybody being around for you, because things change. Specifically, people die, or something comes up in their life, which you find out is actually quite separate to you. — Kirsty Eagar

What did he say? You can't always pick your friends. Well, he's damn right there. I have two friends here: a fifteen year old who sees people in colours and a salsa-mad Dutch woman. I didn't pick them, they just turned up in my life, and I'm really glad. — Kirsty Eagar

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's the wounded male ego. It's as though Hollywood thinks I've got some choice in whether I like him or not. As if. I can't change who I am. — Kirsty Eagar

If I was a sheep, I'd be black. — Kirsty Eagar

After a while I get the feeling that Mum and Brian aren't home. Kane either. It's because the house is making so much noise; ticking and creaking as it stretches in the sun. Acting like a house does when nobody's around to see it. It must have forgotten about me. — Kirsty Eagar

Anna's one of those people who get fired up about injustices in the world; quick to quiver with rage because other people don't ignite like she does. — Kirsty Eagar

Oooh, intrigue?' Sylvie said playfully. 'Want to know a secret? I am someone else. Nobody knows the real me.'
Jess opened the door, sick of being toyed with, wanting to get away. Her voice was flat. 'You're a girl. It's the same for all of us. — Kirsty Eagar

Jamie's eyes met hers and recognition passed between them. He wondered if that was how it was going to be for the rest of their lives. They'd talk as if they were just two people who used to hang out, but all the time their eyes would be saying, I know you well and I miss you badly. — Kirsty Eagar

It's hard to explain, but it's related to me know that for every moment of beauty this place gives me, I probably miss a thousand more. And I want them all. I swear I'd live on the dunes if I could. I was born out of my time. I should have been around during the end of the eighteenth century, when the Romantic Era kicked off, and writers and artists were obsessed with nature: the ocean, the mountains, the sky. And they believed in following their own path, experimenting, not blindly obeying rules.
I found a quote by Henry David Thoreau- "I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life" ... It made me cry. Urgency is so beautiful. — Kirsty Eagar

But of course when you've got it bad for somebody, you aren't really sane. You're a stalker and a groupie combined, and you do things even you don't want to try and understand. — Kirsty Eagar

See, I know what they think about me. That I'm some project. And, yeah, I'll accept their help. But I'm gonna pay my way. 'Cause you can't let people like that give you anything. They think they own you then. And you know what? Nobody's ever going to own me. — Kirsty Eagar

It's always about the money. And the problem with that is: if the people who love you are always weighing up what you cost, then you're never really sure who's got your back. — Kirsty Eagar

I've got a hangover, okay? So I'm not very ... It's not easy sometimes. — Kirsty Eagar

I'm already moving towards the kitchen as I say this, because one thing I've learned is that you never, ever enter negotiations with a three-and-a-half-year old. It's like negotiating with terrorists. — Kirsty Eagar

I don't want romance and stolen kisses and sweetness and hand holding. I want something so big it's like two planets colliding, with an aftershock that I feel for the rest of my life. — Kirsty Eagar

Art is a kind of rapture. Surrender enough, you find truth. — Kirsty Eagar

It's like hearing a song for the first time and being struck by it, haunted by it, wanting to hunt it down and catch it, because the song sums up something you didn't know you wanted to say, giving you chills and goose bumps. — Kirsty Eagar

He's kissing me, quick desperate kisses, like I'm something he needs to live; and I'm kissing him back, crazy with the ache I feel for him, trying to kiss him better, trying to fix him. I'm touching his face, feeling the roughness of his beard, the wet of his tears, feeling the tremors passing through his body, hearing his ragged breathing. And each kiss is a failure. A failed attempt to escape from all that's happening. And I only know this when he slows, drawing it out, letting me taste regret, letting things linger. He pulls away, and I'm saying "Don't, don't, don't", trying to bring him back, kissing his face. But I've lost him. — Kirsty Eagar

8 is just an infinity symbol the right way up. — Kirsty Eagar

This is what I love about life. The UP. You can be completely down and out, and in the next you feel like you're flying, for no reason at all. — Kirsty Eagar

It's not love. It's an obsession. And it's not art. It's a way of seeing things. A way to see the things that aren't there. — Kirsty Eagar

I draw the light with my fingers, and it seems to spark in response. And it's then that the magic of this place, this night beach, gets to me. Because that sparkling thing could be anything. A fallen star, a little buried sun. I feel like I'm a kid again. When there was so much to see. So much wonder. — Kirsty Eagar

Aw, bugger it. Don't die wondering. — Kirsty Eagar

Mum turns back to face the screen, and I realise I'm still nodding. Anxiety Girl in action. She has the power to nod until she makes the connection she so desperately needs, or until her head falls off, whichever comes first. — Kirsty Eagar

At seventeen, I'm in-between. Staring at the carnival from a distance. Not sure if I want to go forward and become an adult; liking the view too much to turn back. — Kirsty Eagar

Shame isn't a quiet grey cloud, shame is a drowning man who claws his way on top of you, scratching and tearing your skin, pushing you under the surface. — Kirsty Eagar

That's the thing. You think you've got balls, but when it comes down to it, you find out you'd do anything to save yourself. — Kirsty Eagar

The urge to let go of the wheel and just see what happens is compelling. If
I live, I'll wake to find myself in hospital. I won't have to do anything, deal with anybody, talk, be
scared anymore, because I will have become somebody else's responsibility. And if I die, well then
everything's solved. No more being angry like this. — Kirsty Eagar

And that's humbling, knowing that your voice can mean so much to another person. — Kirsty Eagar

But you're happy, eh?'
I blink at her, surprised. She's right.
My happiness is crunchy. Snapping, crackling and popping in the sun. — Kirsty Eagar

My father's eyes can be the coldest place on earth. — Kirsty Eagar

This is its ancient soul, the quiet place, away from all its beats and rhythms. And my mind is unable to comprehend the sheer expanse of it. It's as though I've suddenly blinked and found myself standing on a tightrope strung between two skyscrapers. I am paralysed by awe. The feeling you get when confronted by something infinite and inevitable and indifferent to you. — Kirsty Eagar

Without wonder, you are dead and I am older. The girl in the mirror looks devastated. Like someone really has pushed a brick through her ribcage. — Kirsty Eagar

They're never going to change. You gotta get that into your head. What they did up there? They'll keep doing that forever. You know why? Because they're withholders. That's what power is all about. Not giving people what they want. So you know what that means? It means you've got to stop wanting. Stop wanting them to love you, or be proud of you, or whatever it is you're after. 'Cause you're not gonna get it. — Kirsty Eagar

It's funny to me that power comes from sitting behind a desk. It should come from spending yourself. — Kirsty Eagar

I couldn't bear to be talked about. Some girls are shiny-sharp enough to not be damaged, but I didn't think I would be. — Kirsty Eagar

I let myself feel good for no reason. I let joy happen right there and then, and it's inside me and around me, it's the lights on the road ahead, the clean black of the night, the cold air coming through the window. It's like hearing a song for the first time and being struck by it, haunted by it, wanting to hunt it down and catch it, because the song sums up something you didn't know you wanted to say, giving you chills and goose bumps. But even as you find out what it's called, and you're thinking you'll download it, you've already lost. Because the feeling was right then and there and it's already fading like a dream.
You just have to see those times for what they are: a chance to look down at your life. And when you do, you see it's a skin made up of shiny little moments. — Kirsty Eagar

I feel like I'm somebody else tonight. — Kirsty Eagar

I bury my face in my hands. And then Ryan does such a nice thing. He wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me in against him. I can feel his body heat through his cotton T-shirt, and directly in front of me are the worn, faded knees of his jeans. But most of all, I can smell him. And he smells sandy-warm, like a beach. No one can see my face in there protected by his chest. Which is good because I can't stop crying. I mean, I'm really going for the world record in terms of an inappropriate public breakdown. But it doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter. I'm sheltered. — Kirsty Eagar

I reserve my right to choices, too, and I choose to behave badly. — Kirsty Eagar

Oi!'
I drop in on him the first chance I get.
Round three. There's one coming on the inside and I start paddling for it. He starts for it too, telling me, 'It's mine, sunshine.'
'Get stuffed.'
As I feel the surge take my board, he grins across at me. 'Split it?'
So we split the peak, he goes left and I go right, and I know, like me, he's thinking, How good is this? — Kirsty Eagar

Want to know a secret? I am someone else. Nobody knows the real me. — Kirsty Eagar

People save their strong opinions for women. Why don't they look at men? If I have to read another book or see another movie about a woman being courageous, I'll throw up. Where are the books and movies about the men who do this stuff? But no, it's always about the women. They not only have to get through it, they're supposed to stand up, become a symbol, allow their whole lives to become derailed and defined by it. What if you don't want to? People bang on about women having the right to make choices - well, they need to realise women have the right to choose in these matters, too. — Kirsty Eagar

And we're both emotionally limping, because having old wounds re-opened is never fun, no matter how beneficial it might be. — Kirsty Eagar

In normal families, unbroken families, the mother and the father are like two hands cupped together, and held by those hands are the children. In my family, the hands have pulled apart and the children have been dropped. If one parent isn't looking after you, they just assume the other one is. You find out you don't really belong anywhere. — Kirsty Eagar

The moon is weird tonight. A yellow devil with a knowing face and hard triumphant eyes. The top of his head is cropped off diagonally, as though he is wearing an invisible hat at a jaunty angle. Usually when I see the moon I feel like I've been blessed, but not tonight. The moon is telling me to watch my feet.
pg. 50 — Kirsty Eagar

Oh, stop it, I tell myself. Stop looking for links and meaning and explanations. What did De Chirico say? The world is a museum of strangeness. — Kirsty Eagar

Am I worried about the future? I don't know. When I think of the word it's like seeing a cavity, a space where a tooth used to be. — Kirsty Eagar

It was something they'd done a thousand times before. If Jamie went surfing with a mate and paddled in first, he always took time for that final wave. And there was something so familiar in the ritual that for a moment he felt like everything was right.

He felt forgiven. — Kirsty Eagar