Kerry Patterson Quotes & Sayings

Don't aim for perfection. Aim for progress. Learn to slow the process down when your adrenaline gets pumping. — Kerry Patterson

BUT WILL IT WORK FOR ME? After decades of tireless research, we have now identified about two-dozen accountability skills that, when used at the right time and delivered in the right fashion, separated positive deviants from everyone else. The questions remaining were (1) when taught, would people actually use the skills, and (2) if they did, would doing so yield better results? — Kerry Patterson

If you use these skills exactly the way we tell you to and the other person doesn't want to dialogue, you won't get to dialogue. However, if you persist over time, refusing to take offence, making your motive genuine, showing respect, and constantly searching for Mutual Purpose, then the other person will almost always join you in dialogue. — Kerry Patterson

Company's image and improve client confidence. — Kerry Patterson

Don't confuse stories with facts. ...When you generate stories in the blink of an eye, you can get so caught up in the moment the you begin to believe your stories are facts. — Kerry Patterson

Changing deeply entrenched habits invariably requires help, information, and real support from others. Get a coach, and you'll make change far more likely. — Kerry Patterson

At the end of the day, what qualifies people to be called "leaders" is their capacity to influence others to change their behavior in order to achieve important results. — Kerry Patterson

What is this intermediate step? Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. We add meaning to the action we observed. We make a guess at the motive driving the behavior. Why were they doing that? We also add judgment - is that good or bad? And then, based on these thoughts or stories, our body responds with an emotion. — Kerry Patterson

Search for the Elusive And The best at dialogue refuse Fool's Choices by setting up new choices. They present themselves with tougher questions - questions that turn the either/or choice into a search for the all-important and ever-elusive and. (It is an endangered species, you know.) Here's how this works. — Kerry Patterson

People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool
even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously they don't agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open. — Kerry Patterson

Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. - WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE — Kerry Patterson

If you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don't try to escape? What horrible outcome makes game playing an attractive and sensible option? "What I don't want is to have a useless and heated conversation that creates bad feelings and doesn't lead to change." Third, present your brain with a more complex problem. Finally, combine the two into an and question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence and violence. "How can I have a candid conversation with my husband about being more dependable and — Kerry Patterson

As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape - with any degree of success - is the person in the mirror. — Kerry Patterson

If the story is unflattering and the feeling is anger, adrenaline kicks in. Under the influence of adrenaline, blood leaves our brains to help support our genetically engineered response of "fight or flight," and we end up thinking with the brain of a reptile. We say and do dim-witted things. — Kerry Patterson

The next two sources of influence that routinely act on you are equally easy to spot. The people who surround you both motivate and enable your habits. — Kerry Patterson

Let's say that your significant other has been paying less and less attention to you. You realize he or she has a busy job, but you still would like more time together. You drop a few hints about the issue, but your loved one doesn't handle it well. You decide not to put on added pressure, so you clam up. Of course, since you're not all that happy with the arrangement, your displeasure now comes out through an occasional sarcastic remark. "Another late night, huh? I've got Facebook friends I see more often." Unfortunately (and here's where the problem becomes self-defeating), the more you snip and snap, the less your loved one wants to be around you. So your significant other spends even less time with you, you become even more upset, and the spiral continues. Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn't want in the first place. You're caught in an unhealthy, self-defeating loop. — Kerry Patterson

Here's why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning - period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear that people aren't buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. — Kerry Patterson

Every time we decide to use our power to influence others, particularly if we're gleeful and hasty, we damage the relationship. We move from enjoying a healthy partnership based on trust and mutual respect to establishing a police state that requires constant monitoring. — Kerry Patterson

In truth, everyone argues about important issues. But not everyone splits up. It's how you argue that matters. — Kerry Patterson

The lion's share of the problems that really bother us don't call for additional technology, theory, philosophy, or data (we're up to our necks in that); instead, the problems call for the ability to change what people do. And when it comes to this particular skill, demand far exceeds supply. Given — Kerry Patterson

So, what's the first step to changing norms? It's breaking the code of silence around the problem that always sustains the status quo. — Kerry Patterson

3. Learn the Will Skill. Many people believe that fitness and exercise are all about willpower - whether you have it or not. Will is important, but people forget that willpower is a skill with its own rules and tricks to practice. For example, recent research shows that if people can distract their attention for just a few minutes, they can suppress negative urges and make better decisions.8 Sharman W. used this idea to help her avoid cheating on her diet. She listed the ten reasons she wanted to lose weight and created the following rule: She could cheat on her diet, but only after reading her list and calling her sister. This extra step introduced a delay and brought in social support from her sister. Other strategies our Changers use include taking short walks, repeating poems they have memorized, and drinking a glass of water. The key is to be aware of the impulse and to focus on something different until the impulse goes away. — Kerry Patterson

When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and Make it Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue. — Kerry Patterson

The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process. — Kerry Patterson

First, clarify what you really want. You've got a head start if you've already Started with Heart. If you know what you want for yourself, for others, and for the relationship, then you're in position to break out of the Fool's Choice. "What I want is for my husband to be more reliable. I'm tired of being let down by him when he makes commitments that I depend on." Second, clarify what you really don't want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe. What bad thing will happen — Kerry Patterson

Goals without deadlines aren't goals; they're merely directions. — Kerry Patterson

When we make mistakes, we tell a Victim Story by claiming our intentions were innocent and pure. "Sure I was late getting home and didn't call you, but I couldn't let the team down!" On the other hand, when others do things that hurt or inconvenience us, we tell Villain Stories in which we invent terrible motives or exaggerate flaws for others based on how their actions affected us. "You are so thoughtless! You could have called me and told me you were going to be late. — Kerry Patterson

The average human being is actually quite bad at predicting what he or she should do in order to be happier, and this inability to predict keeps people from, well, being happier. In fact, psychologist Daniel Gilbert has made a career out of demonstrating that human beings are downright awful at predicting their own likes and dislikes. For example, most research subjects strongly believe that another $30,000 a year in income would make them much happier. And they feel equally strongly that adding a 30-minute walk to their daily routine would be of trivial import. And yet Dr. Gilbert's research suggests that the added income is far less likely to produce an increase in happiness than the addition of a regular walk. — Kerry Patterson

We make our food very similar to cocaine now. — Kerry Patterson

It's the most talented, not the least talented, who are continually trying to improve their dialogue skills. As is often the case, the rich get richer. — Kerry Patterson

Consequence of the original act and helps unbundle the problem. — Kerry Patterson

When we first trained people to deal with ability problems, it all seemed so simple. You ask others for their ideas, you get to hear their best thoughts, and they feel empowered. What could be easier? Who could possibly mess this up? As it turns out, there are several ways to go wrong. Here are the top three things not to do. — Kerry Patterson

This is the first principle of dialogue - Start with Heart. That is, your own heart. If you can't get yourself right, you'll have a hard time getting dialogue right. — Kerry Patterson

Second, clarify what you really don't want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe. What bad thing will happen if you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don't try to escape? What horrible outcome makes game-playing an attractive and sensible option? — Kerry Patterson

In fact, with experience and maturity we learn to worry less about others' intent and more about the effect others' actions are having on us. No longer are we in the game of rooting out unhealthy motives. And here's the good news. When we reflect on alternative motives, not only do we soften our emotions, but equally important, we relax our absolute certainty long enough to allow for dialogue - the only reliable way of discovering others' genuine motives. — Kerry Patterson

You can predict with nearly 90 percent accuracy which projects will fail - months or years in advance. And now back to our premise. The predictor of success or failure was whether people could hold five specific crucial conversations. For example, could they speak up if they thought the scope and schedule were unrealistic? Or did they go silent when a cross-functional team member began sloughing off? Or even more tricky - what should they do when an executive failed to provide leadership for the effort? — Kerry Patterson

Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens. — Kerry Patterson

The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy — Kerry Patterson

Instead, they count on three keys to success - keys that all influencers adhere to and that you can use to your own benefit: 1. Focus and measure. Influencers are crystal clear about the result they are trying to achieve and are zealous about measuring it. 2. Find vital behaviors. Influencers focus on high-leverage behaviors that drive results. More specifically, they focus on the two or three vital actions that produce the greatest amount of change. 3. Engage all six sources of influence. Finally, influencers break from the pack by overdetermining change. Where most of us apply a favorite influence tool or two to our important challenges, influencers identify all of the varied forces that are shaping the behavior they want to change and then get them working for rather than against them. And now for the really good news. According to our research, by getting six different sources of influence to work in their favor, influencers increase their odds of success tenfold. — Kerry Patterson

Influencers use four tactics to help people love what they hate: 1. Allow for choice. 2. Create direct experiences. 3. Tell meaningful stories. 4. Make it a game. — Kerry Patterson

When under attack, our heart can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace. — Kerry Patterson

When you've gone to silence and are trying way too hard to convince yourself that you've done the right thing, you might want to examine whether you are intentionally minimizing the cost of not speaking up and exaggerating the risks of doing so. — Kerry Patterson

I have known a thousand scamps; but I never met one who considered himself so. Self-knowledge isn't so common. - OUIDA — Kerry Patterson

One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears - by listening to them. - DEAN RUSK — Kerry Patterson

For example, obesity costs the average person an extra $1,429 per year in increased health care costs. But since we're not required to set aside money for every burger we consume (to cover the real financial cost of the burger), the long-term costs of carrying extra weight remain invisible. — Kerry Patterson

At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. — Kerry Patterson

Avoid creating bad feelings or wasting our time?" It's interesting to watch what happens when people are presented with and questions after being stuck with Fool's Choices. Their faces become reflective, their eyes open wider, and they begin to think. With surprising regularity, when people are asked: "Is it possible that there's a way to accomplish both?" they acknowledge that there very well may be. — Kerry Patterson