Kathy Griffin Quotes & Sayings

Phoenix is great. I love Phoenix, .. I love Scottsdale. I love the James Hotel. I have a Kathy Griffin suite. I love -what's that place called? AZ 88. I had never had a cheese crisp, so I went to - oh, can't remember. We went to the State Fair, where I was all about the deep-fried Twinkie. I ate every deep-fried thing - oh, it was heavenly. I ate until I got sick. — Kathy Griffin

The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends. — Kathy Griffin

When my pals in high school were starting to drink, it always looked unappealing to me. I would be at a big party and see one of the popular girls or football players completely wasted and puking and acting a fool, and think to myself, There's nothing cool about that. I never wanted to be that out of control. — Kathy Griffin

The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are. — Kathy Griffin

I can honestly say, with complete disappointment, that I have never purged in my life, because I have what I call a barfing disorder. Every time I puke, even when I'm sick with the flu or from food poisoning, I think I'm going to die. Weird, I know. No disrespect to you, Mary Kate. Rock on. — Kathy Griffin

The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behaviour. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behaviour and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness. — Kathy Griffin

Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That's right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that's a relationship in my book. And by the way, this is my book. — Kathy Griffin

I was a soccer cheerleader. It doesn't get nerdier than that. I was fired from the soccer cheerleading squad after one year, which I believe to this day is unprecedented. You have to understand, no one went to the soccer games. In fact, I believe part of my duties as a cheerleader was to bake brownies for the team. — Kathy Griffin

It is a challenge, with the global fame, to try to act like I put my pants on one leg at a time, when in fact I have Pippa Middleton help me put my pants on every morning. She's my lady-in-waiting as well. — Kathy Griffin

I have to tell you, though, the sexism in late night talk is so profound. — Kathy Griffin

I'm a female in comedy, so of course I want there to be more women on 'SNL', and women of color. — Kathy Griffin

A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor. — Kathy Griffin

I am in love with Larry David. — Kathy Griffin

Presentation was the name of the Catholic church [my mother's family] attended, and this is what I love about the Irish: My mother became known as the second prettiest girl at Presentation parish. "Why was that okay?" I once asked her. "Oh, because everybody knew Mary Griffin was the most beautiful girl at Presentation," she replied. My mom was happy to be on the D-list! Just like I'm not trying to be Brooke Shields, she wasn't trying to be Mary Griffin. — Kathy Griffin

I am what you call a non-believer. I don't even want to say I'm an atheist because frankly I don't want to join their club either. But the point is, I am a fallen catholic, I'm not religious, and that's all well and good. — Kathy Griffin

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard. — Kathy Griffin

I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography. — Kathy Griffin

Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand. — Kathy Griffin

Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice. — Kathy Griffin

I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men. — Kathy Griffin

I honestly never once heard them fight. They yelled at us kids all the time, but never at each other. My siblings and I joke to this day about how the reason we have trouble in relationships is because we never learned how to fight from our parents. — Kathy Griffin

I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great. — Kathy Griffin

Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am. — Kathy Griffin

I'm not an artist. I tell inappropriate stories and jokes and I try to make people laugh. — Kathy Griffin

My fear of camping: I'm convinced bugs will crawl up my vagina and lay eggs. Isn't everyone? — Kathy Griffin

I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly. — Kathy Griffin

One of my recurring D-list moments is when people stop me in the airport and tell me they loved me on SNL. I never know if they think I'm Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, or Chris Kattan. I just say Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed me as Mango. — Kathy Griffin

There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts. — Kathy Griffin

I grew up in Chicago and was a huge fan of 'The Second City', so when I moved to L.A., I was looking for anything that resembled that ... then I started 'The Groundlings', so I went to a show and it was very much like 'Second City'. I was so impressed that that same night I went backstage and I went up to the funniest person there. — Kathy Griffin

My act is based on my life. — Kathy Griffin

I'm on every worst-dressed list imaginable. — Kathy Griffin

Always and Forever is a Grandmothers love — Kathy Griffin

I love to work. I love doing standup. — Kathy Griffin

Well, the coffeehouse audiences never know what they're going to get, and all the comics are different, as opposed to when you go to a club, and they're pretty much all telling jokes with set-ups and punchlines. Coffeehouse audiences are the most forgiving: They really listen, which is the best part. — Kathy Griffin

Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist. — Kathy Griffin

This one guy Roland was so weird that during sex his voice altered - as if he were a fucking alien - and he started talking like a baby in a bizarre high-pitched voice. He'd start screaming shit like, "I just want to fuck my baby! I'm your baby! Will you be my baby? Baby? Baby?" For one thing, he couldn't decide whether he was the baby or the daddy. Make up your mind, freak. I had to force myself out from under him and flee the apartment undressed, clutching my clothes. — Kathy Griffin

I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone ... it's a joke! — Kathy Griffin

That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it. — Kathy Griffin

My friend Anderson Cooper is the scion of one of America's great shipping and railroad families, the Vanderbilts. — Kathy Griffin

But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people. — Kathy Griffin

To give up my job as a temp and actually make a living doing comedy, it was staggering. — Kathy Griffin

I prefer being known for my stand-up because I write it. I love being an actor, and saying other people's words is great. But then, when I do stand-up, I love getting my own point of view out there. — Kathy Griffin

At St. Bernardine's the nuns never liked me. Especially Sister Mary Bitch-and-a-Half. I think that was her biblical name. — Kathy Griffin

I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a singer ... the way Courtney Love is a singer. — Kathy Griffin

I'll be honest, there's a part of me that does think I'm held to a different standard than my contemporaries and peers, and it's a little frustrating. — Kathy Griffin

I'm always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging. — Kathy Griffin

Of course, I've told Jesus to suck it, too, which earned me a certain measure of notoriety, because you have to make fun of any religion that would let you have sixteen kids and say it's God's will. — Kathy Griffin

So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits. — Kathy Griffin

Mom's a hypochondriac, too, so the best part was that every week she would get the disease that the medical shows were dramatizing. I'll never forget, they did an episode on sickle cell anemia, which as far as I know, is almost exclusively an African-American affliction. — Kathy Griffin

Well, I think that when I perform on the road I always thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal to buy a ticket for a live entertainment, get a baby-sitter and pay for the meal, the parking, whatever. — Kathy Griffin

Oh, I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly. But that's just part of the deal. I'm not really sure what's going to come out of my mouth. — Kathy Griffin

I don't like doing movies, period. Movies are hard. I like TV. — Kathy Griffin

Life is adventure. Travel is adventure at a different address. — Kathy Griffin

I have a no-apology policy. — Kathy Griffin

I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun. — Kathy Griffin

To this day, the behavior of straight men is something I've never been able to wrap my head around. Have you ever met one? They're really weird. Sometimes they want to have sex without A Chorus Line playing in the background. Yuck. How is that even possible? — Kathy Griffin

No one teaches you how to do this. How do you let go of someone who you love so much? — Kathy Griffin

I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming. — Kathy Griffin

Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true. — Kathy Griffin

I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown. — Kathy Griffin

Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people around. I, on the other hand, decided to try a midnight swim at the somewhat gamy Santa Monica pier, by myself. That is, until a nearby guard kicked me off the beach for my own safety. — Kathy Griffin

No, I love Montreal ... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me ... I love the food there. — Kathy Griffin

Most people unfamiliar with the men in a new town might search for love until they find it. I picked out some guy on my second day in LA, who worked at the local bicycle shop, and handed my virginity to him. "You can fill a tire? Sounds good to me. Let's call it a date." Needless to say he wasn't Mr. Right. — Kathy Griffin

I can say whatever I want. So do not bring the kids. It's definitely rated R. — Kathy Griffin

I was raised right - I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners. — Kathy Griffin

I love to make fun of fashion because it is just so silly. — Kathy Griffin

So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it. — Kathy Griffin

If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night. — Kathy Griffin

I hate it, it is tedious ... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style. — Kathy Griffin

I'm basically always on tour. — Kathy Griffin

If there is a gay army, I am their warrior princess. — Kathy Griffin

It always pisses me off when I'm calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what - probably this book, so get ready, I'm comin' - when the DJ actually tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male ones. Cue hypermasculine Morning Zoo Hacky McGee voice: "So Kath, I don't know what you chicks are always complaining about." To which I respond: "Really? Why don't you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad. — Kathy Griffin

My act has always reflected what's going on in my life. — Kathy Griffin

I did feel very sexy and desirable. Those prisoners looked at me like no man ever did. I don't care how many people they killed. — Kathy Griffin

That's life when you're on the D-list. — Kathy Griffin

The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid. — Kathy Griffin

Why would you want to keep the bluebird houses mounted in a place that you now know is unsafe for them? Bluebirds are not ornaments for pictures, they are living things that deserve your best effort if you are going to be a landlord to them. There is no magic spell that will protect those bluebirds
they have to depend on you or they are doomed. — Kathy Griffin

I can criticize your religion all I want, and you can criticize mine. I don't like this whole climate of, 'You can't ever say anything bad about the group I'm in, cause every group is untouchable.' We can all criticize each other and engage in debate all we want. — Kathy Griffin

A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'! — Kathy Griffin

I am an outsider looking in, absolutely. You're not going to see me at the Academy Awards 'Vanity Fair' party any time soon. I'm not somebody who, no matter where I go, there are paparazzi or any of that nonsense. But I have a little window into that world, and I can enter it and dance around. I want to be the audience's ticket into the party. — Kathy Griffin

It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush! — Kathy Griffin

Have I gone too far? — Kathy Griffin

When I'm going to see a comedian, I don't want to see them hold back, and when I'm reading a book, I don't want to hear an abridged version. — Kathy Griffin

I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time. — Kathy Griffin

I also don't have a desire to be on the A-list. I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list. — Kathy Griffin

My mother's father was just called "The Governor," or "Himself." Which, if you have sixteen kids, probably isn't as crazy as it sounds. — Kathy Griffin

It was a nightmare having cameras in the house 10 hours a day for a month. — Kathy Griffin

I actually have to pick and chose stuff that I know I'm going to bomb at. — Kathy Griffin

I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be ... ahm ... voluptuous! — Kathy Griffin

Do you remember a little phenom called step aerobics? If you do, then you know how crazy it was to take two ninety-minute classes in a row. It's incredible that I didn't die from a blunt injury to the back of my head from slipping on my own pool of sweat. — Kathy Griffin

I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list. — Kathy Griffin

When I see you, I smile. When I touch you, I feel you. When I kiss you, I love you! — Kathy Griffin

A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them. — Kathy Griffin