Justin Halpern Quotes & Sayings

On Furnishing One's Home
Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it. — Justin Halpern

Human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello. — Justin Halpern

Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see if I had learned anything that might inform my decision. — Justin Halpern

What Im trying to say is that what makes you up, its always been around, and it always will be around. So really the only thing you should worry about is the part you're at right now. Where you got a body and a head and all that bullshit. Just worry about living, dying is the easy part. — Justin Halpern

I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit. — Justin Halpern

On My Eighth-Grade Graduation Ceremony They're celebrating you graduating from eighth grade? We just went to your sixth-grade graduation two goddamned years ago! Jesus Christ, why don't they just throw a fucking party every time you properly wipe your ass? — Justin Halpern

You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life. — Justin Halpern

Nobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something? ... Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking. — Justin Halpern

Self-administering oral sex is not my cup of tea, but you have to hand it to him for his ruthless determination to enjoy himself. — Justin Halpern

Cheating's not easy. You probably think it is, but it ain't. I bet you'd suck more at cheating than whatever it was you were trying to do legitimately. — Justin Halpern

On Packing My Own Lunch
You have to pack a sandwich. It can't just be cookies and bullshit ... No, I said if you packed it yourself, you could pack it how you want it, not pack it like a moron. — Justin Halpern

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom. — Justin Halpern

Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you. — Justin Halpern

You're ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day ... I don't give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son. — Justin Halpern

I almost feel like I'm unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever. — Justin Halpern

[The] majority of the girls working there had major emotional problems. And not cries-too-much emotional problems; more like stabs-her-boyfriend-with-a-steak-knife-then-falls-into-a-corner-and-starts-whispering-to-herself emotional problems. — Justin Halpern

You worry too much. Eat some bacon ... what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon. — Justin Halpern

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it. — Justin Halpern

On Accidentally Eating Dog Treats
Snausages? I've been eating dog treats? Why the fuck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Fuck it, they're delicious. I will not be shamed by this. — Justin Halpern

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane. — Justin Halpern

Seeing someone you used to date is a lot like watching highlights of your favorite team losing in the Super Bowl: just the sight of it hits you like a punch in the gut and makes you remember how upset you were when it all went down in flames. — Justin Halpern

You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine. — Justin Halpern

In the fall of 1998, I began my freshman year at San Diego State University, which my dad commonly referred to as 'Harvard, without all the smart people. — Justin Halpern

The Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you put it online, people will find it and it will get in front of who it needs to get in front of. — Justin Halpern

Out of your league?! What fucking league are you talking about?! You are a man, she is a fucking woman! That is all that matters, goddamn it! — Justin Halpern

On Friendship
You got good friends. I like them. I don't think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one. — Justin Halpern

Who's going to take care of it? You? ... Son, you came in the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humansh*t. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn't for them. -Dad — Justin Halpern

On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate
Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest. — Justin Halpern

On Talking to Strangers "Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don't know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else." On — Justin Halpern

On Lego's
Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit. — Justin Halpern

On Yard Work
What are you doing with that rake? ... No, that is not raking ... What? Different styles of raking? No there is one style, and then there is bullshit. Guess which one you're doing. — Justin Halpern

I'm not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to be cool. But I think there are quite a few people, my father being one of them, who use curse words rather eloquently. — Justin Halpern

Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion. — Justin Halpern

See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested. — Justin Halpern

Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking. — Justin Halpern

One day I was on a walk with him and my dog, Angus, who was sniffing around in a bush outside a neighbor's house. My dad turned to me and said, "Look at the dog's asshole."
"What? Why?"
"You can tell by the dilation of his asshole that he's going to shit soon. See. There it goes."
It was at that moment, as my dog emptied his bowels in my neighbor's yard and my dad stood there proudly watching his prediction come true, that I realized how wise, even prophetic, he really is. — Justin Halpern

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of. — Justin Halpern

Life is fucking long, especially if you're stupid. — Justin Halpern

You are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we'll go back and forth and find a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet. — Justin Halpern

On Proper Etiquette for Borrowing His Car You borrowed the car, and now it smells like shit. I don't care if you smell like shit, that's your business. But when you shit up my car, then that's my business. Take it somewhere and un-shit that smell. — Justin Halpern

The worst thing you can be is a liar ... Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two. — Justin Halpern

You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing. — Justin Halpern

You say you're sick, huh? Well, it looks like you've come down with a case of bullshit. — Justin Halpern

I was an angst-y journal writing kid. — Justin Halpern

It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works. — Justin Halpern

Not that bad? This ain't fucking MIT, this is ninth grade! Look at this shit!' he said, holding the progress report up. 'You got a fucking C in ninth grade journalism? How does that even happen? You work for the New York fucking Times? Couldn't break that big corruption story? Jesus Christ. Unbelievable. — Justin Halpern

You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I'll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is. — Justin Halpern

Even though I grew up two hours south, I had rarely ventured to Los Angeles. I soon learned that my dad wasn't totally off base when he said, "Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes." ... "Remember. Family," he said. "Also, how do I get back to I-5? I hate this fucking city. — Justin Halpern

You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it. — Justin Halpern

If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage ... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time. — Justin Halpern

Someday you're gonna go stupid for a woman. And when you do, do me this one favor: don't get all caught up in the bullshit that's going on in your head. If it's right, then you put on your fuckin' big-boy pants and you go for it. — Justin Halpern

I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win. — Justin Halpern

On Asking to Have the Candy Passed to Me During Schindler's List What do you want - the candy? They're throwing people in the fucking gas chamber, and you want a Skittles? — Justin Halpern

We aint a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that. — Justin Halpern

When I had an earache, my mom would piss in my ear to kill the pain, — Justin Halpern

People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear. — Justin Halpern

Democracy ain't so fun when it fucks you. — Justin Halpern

How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes. — Justin Halpern

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face? ... Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good. — Justin Halpern

Just tell me how much money I have to give you to never leave this couch. — Justin Halpern

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.. — Justin Halpern

On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing ... . Well, I'll just say it's never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you. — Justin Halpern

Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read. — Justin Halpern

Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife ... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon — Justin Halpern

All right. Here's the deal. You're eight," he said. "I'm nine," I said. "Do I look like I carry an abacus with your name on it? Cut me some slack here, son. — Justin Halpern

If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup — Justin Halpern

On Dealing with Bullies "You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it." On — Justin Halpern

I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party. — Justin Halpern

There seem to be a lot of gay people there ... Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind. — Justin Halpern

Sometimes its nice when people you love need you. — Justin Halpern

I just want silence ... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more. — Justin Halpern

That woman was sexy ... Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them. — Justin Halpern

Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: No one ever says, "I have to have a Toyota Camry." But most people who spend some time in a Camry start to like it. "It's pretty reliable," they think. "It doesn't have a lot of problems, and it's not bad to look at. You know what? I'd probably prefer a nicer car. But I can live with a Camry. — Justin Halpern

I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken ... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it. — Justin Halpern

Eventually my dad got home from work and set his briefcase down.
'So. How was practice?' he asked
'It was good. Why? Did you hear it wasn't?' I said, trying to keep my cool.
'Son, no offense, but you play Little League. It's not the Yankees. I don't get daily reports about who's hitting the shit out of the ball — Justin Halpern

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out. — Justin Halpern

The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He's not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it. — Justin Halpern

Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens. — Justin Halpern

Joey looked confused and horrified, like a stripper bursting out of a cake only to realize she's been accidentally delivered to a baby shower. — Justin Halpern

Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don't know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else. — Justin Halpern

On My Interest in Smoking Cigars You're not a cigar guy ... . Well, the first reason that jumps out at me is that you hold it like you're jerking off a mouse. — Justin Halpern

I'm gonna put a handful of condoms in the glove compartment of the car ... . I don't give a shit if you don't want to talk about this with me, I don't want to talk about this with you, either. You think I want you screwing in my car? No. But I'd much less rather have to pay for some kid you make because there ain't condoms in there. — Justin Halpern

On My First Driving Lesson First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell? ... Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that's not moving makes you an asshole. — Justin Halpern

I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole. — Justin Halpern

My instructor was a skinny guy in his midtwenties who had a shaved head that was always peeling from sunburns and who could only have smelled more like marijuana if he'd been made of it. The training vehicle was a mid- '80s tan Nissan that had working breaks on the passenger side; He often got his jollies slamming them on for no reason and then between wheezing laughs saying 'You were all like 'I'm in control of the car' and then I hit the brakes and shit and you were all like 'whaaaat? — Justin Halpern

The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog. — Justin Halpern

So, how's it going? You seeing some art and history or you too busy trying to slap your pecker against anything with a wet spot?" "No, I saw some art. We spent like two hours in the Louvre." "Nice. Two thousand years of priceless works of art and you bust through it in two hours. Eat shit, da Vinci," he said. "Where you heading next? — Justin Halpern

Your friends' parents drive like assholes. Tell them it's an elementary school parking lot, not downtown fucking Manhattan. — Justin Halpern

On My Response to Having My Tires Slashed Oh, don't go to the goddamned cops. They're busy with real shit. I don't want my tax dollars going to figuring out who thinks you're an asshole. — Justin Halpern

On the Baseball Steroids Scandal People are surprised Mark McGwire did steroids? Look at him! He looks like they should have him in a stall on display at the fair with some poor son of a bitch cleaning up his shit. — Justin Halpern

Human beings do dumb shit. You do dumb shit. She does dumb shit. Everyone does dumb shit. Then, every once in a while, we have a moment where we don't do dumb shit, and then we throw a goddamned parade and we forget all the dumb shit we did. So what I'm saying to you is, don't do something, or not do something, to punish someone because you think they did something dumb. Do what you want to do, because it's what you want to do. Also, bring me a grapefruit from the kitchen and some salt and pepper. — Justin Halpern

I hadn't gone to one dance in my entire high school
career. I was six foot tall and a hundred and twenty
pounds. When I danced, I looked like a praying mantis
on fire. — Justin Halpern

When I die, I die. I could give a shit, 'cause it ain't my problem. I'd just rather not shit my pants on the way there, — Justin Halpern

On Receiving Straight As on My Report Card Hot damn! You're a smart kid - I don't care what people say about you! ... I'm kidding, nobody says you're not smart. They say other stuff, but not that. — Justin Halpern

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house. — Justin Halpern

My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys. — Justin Halpern

My dad is awesome. — Justin Halpern

On the Television Show The X-Files So, the woman and the dopey-looking guy screw, and then they look for aliens - or they just screw and sometimes aliens follow them? — Justin Halpern

On My Trip to Europe I know you think you're going to get all kinds of laid. It's not a magic place, it's the same as here. Don't be stupid. — Justin Halpern

On Sharing
I'm sorry, but if your brother doesn't want you to play with his shit, then you can't play with it. It's his shit. If he wants to be an asshole and not share, then that's his right. You always have the right to be an asshole - you just shouldn't use that right very often. — Justin Halpern