Jonathan L. Howard Quotes & Sayings

Lesson one: expect to get screwed over for the convenience of others on a regular basis. — Jonathan L. Howard

There had been no possibility that he had survived. His body had not tumbled into a foaming sea or into a clouded abyss from which he might later make an unexpected return through the good offices of kindly dolphins or giant eagles. Cabal had himself checked that all life was extinguished by searching for a pulse, looking for clouding on a mirror held to the corpse's mouth, and by kicking repeatedly. — Jonathan L. Howard

He had pulled too many rabbits from too many hats; insanity had claimed him. — Jonathan L. Howard

It's a philosophical minefield!
Cabal had a brief mental image of Aristotle walking halfway across an open field before unexpectedly disappearing in a fireball. Descartes and Nietzsche looked on appalled. He pulled himself together. — Jonathan L. Howard

Now you're an adult, Katya! he'd said, picking her up under the armpits like he'd been doing since she'd been born. — Jonathan L. Howard

Sighing heavily, for he disliked violence generally and murder in particular, Cabal set off to commit violent murder. — Jonathan L. Howard

The first few minutes of a person's death are the most vitally important minutes of opportunity for a necromancer, [so] Cabal added, Look, I have to go. Without the necessary chemicals, we'll lose whatever wits are still floating around his cooling brain. The only more immediate alternative that I can think of is a Tantric ritual involving necrophiliac sodomy and, frankly, I don't think my back is up to it. So, if you will excuse me? — Jonathan L. Howard

Do you smoke, Herr Cabal?"
"Only to be antisocial," replied Cabal, making no move. — Jonathan L. Howard

It was about then that the effects of great wealth and a small gene pool started to spell their doom. — Jonathan L. Howard

Also, please charge my fountain pen and bring it with you. — Jonathan L. Howard

Lots of forms. Stacks of forms. An average of nine thousand, seven hundred, and forty-seven of them were required to gain entrance to Hell. The largest form ran to fifteen thousand, four hundred, and ninety-seven questions. The shortest to just five, but five of such subtle phraseology, labyrinthine grammar, and malicious ambiguity that, released into the mortal world, they would certainly have formed the basis of a new religion or, at the least, a management course. — Jonathan L. Howard

I had wanted some cheese, but couldn't find any at short notice. It was a shame. Cheese goes so well with tragedy. — Jonathan L. Howard

Horst passed him a bottle he had picked up in his rapid trip from there to here. Remarkably, it's contents had survived the transit. "Drink this," he said, unmoved by Cabal's anger. "You need to save your voice for your next session."
Cabal took the bottle testily and swigged from it. there was a moments pause, just long enough for Cabal's expression to change from testy to horrified revulsion. He spat the liquid violently onto the grass like a man who has got absent-minded with the concentrated nitric acid and a mouth pipette. He glared at Horst as he took off his spectacles and wiped his suddenly weeping eyes "Disinfectant? You give me disinfectant to drink?"
Horst's surprise was replaced with mild amusement. "It's root beer, Johannes. Have you never had root beer?"
Cabal looked suspiciously at him, then at the bottle "People drink this?"
"Yes."
"For non-medical reasons?"
"That's right."
Cabal shook his head in open disbelief. "They must be insane. — Jonathan L. Howard

You wish to isolate fear. Ah, well, if only I'd realised your ambitions were so simple. Perhaps we can work up to it by capturing faith, bottling hope, and presenting love to the world as a commodity, available by the pound, wrapped in greaseproof paper and topped with a bow. — Jonathan L. Howard

There is possibly no insult so calculated to sting the English as the suggestion that they may at any time be considered foreign, as this flies in the face of the obvious truth that the whole of Creation actually belongs to the English, and that they are just allowing everybody else to camp out on bits of it from a national sense of noblesse oblige. — Jonathan L. Howard

The materials were of the finest, the workmanship superlative, the design execrable. — Jonathan L. Howard

Horst lurked in a corner, sitting upon a tea chest, and undermining any menace his vampiric presence might have brought to proceedings by reading an ancient copy of Comic Cuts that he had found somewhere. — Jonathan L. Howard

Your argument is as specious as it is fallacious. I do not give a damn that we have crossed a sea to be here. By your logic, if one was to circumnavigate the globe before being given the option of jumping off a cliff or not jumping off a cliff, you would fling yourself off immediately because - oh, my goodness - you've gone all that way and it would be a shame not to do something memorably stupid at the end. Not memorable to you, of course: you'd be dead. But everyone for miles around will always remember the day the idiot from afar threw himself to his death because, well, it would have been a shame not to. — Jonathan L. Howard

My God. Johannes, are you saying that you're accepting this task because I asked you?' Cabal did not reply. Instead he found a loose thread on the eiderdown and fiddled distractedly with it. Horst sat on the side of the bed, embraced his brother around the shoulders with one arm, and rubbed the top of his head with the knuckles of the other. 'Horst!' snapped Cabal. 'I am no longer eight years old!' Horst kissed him on the top of the head. 'You'll always be my little brother, Johannes, even if you look older than me now. — Jonathan L. Howard

If you should be walking and, suddenly and unaccountably, smell lavender and mothballs, you may have just passed a corner of Zarenyia's intra-dimensional closet. — Jonathan L. Howard

The special joy of putting a lead ball into any person who presents a nuisance. — Jonathan L. Howard

Cabal took her arm, and they processed towards the cafe like old friends, or at least the sort of old friends in which the lady wears a somewhat smug smile while the gentleman scowls darkly. — Jonathan L. Howard

She felt oddly complimented. Petrov hadn't thought she's just a girl; he'd thought she might be a desperate criminal. — Jonathan L. Howard

Guns don't kill people. People kill people." "But guns make it so much easier. — Jonathan L. Howard

We're having fun, and I've met some of your friends and your brother, all of whom seem absolutely delicious. — Jonathan L. Howard

That which is supernatural and nasty knows supernatural and nastier when it sees it. — Jonathan L. Howard

He found Satan on his throne in the cavern of lava, reading a large-print edition of Wheatley's The Satanist. 'It's a rum way to warn people off from worshiping me,' Satan commented, indicating the book. 'It seems to be lots of fun, according to this. Still, I bet they all die horribly at the end. Oh well. Who wants to live forever? — Jonathan L. Howard

dark heart of esoteric fuckery, — Jonathan L. Howard

I trained as a librarian, and I run a bookstore. Fucking right I can use a gun ... if I have to engage somebody between the counter and the door, only the political autobiographies are in danger and who gives a fuck about those? — Jonathan L. Howard

You don't?' Horst was so astounded he almost leapt to his feet. His smile returned in full power. 'Then you have treat waiting for you! It's wonderful! I mean, I remember it as being wonderful. I do not eat cake. Not now. Being a vampire and everything. You did know I'm a vampire, didn't you?' He suddenly seemed to remember that they were doing introductions and held up his hand. 'Horst Cabal, vampire. Didn't especially want to be, but there you go. I miss Battenberg. Hello, everyone! — Jonathan L. Howard

Cabal slapped him hard. Perhaps harder than necessary, but he felt he deserved a little recreation. — Jonathan L. Howard

There was drinking. There was animalistic growling and squawking. There was vomiting. There were flows of excrement. Thus far, this was indistinguishable from most parliaments, but it was the refusal to get down to any real work that galled Satan. — Jonathan L. Howard

He smiled, and it was like a bloodless cut. 'No,' he replied, amused by something. 'No, not a doctor. I haven't the bedside manner for it. — Jonathan L. Howard

Cabal knew then that he was dealing with the kind of official with whom he always lost his temper. He lost his temper. 'Don't — Jonathan L. Howard

Permanence in the land of sleep is better than gold in the world of wakefulness. — Jonathan L. Howard

Everyone is so desensitised that the potency of artfully deployed italics has long been lost. It was good enough for H. P. Lovecraft, but apparently it isn't good enough for the modern world, filled as it is with obtuse bastards. — Jonathan L. Howard

Cats, as any rational person knows, are solitary, opportunistic, ambush predators, much like spiders, but with fewer legs and a better fan club. — Jonathan L. Howard

Real history was unromantic, steeped in greed and blood and abject eye-rolling stupidity. An endless parade of putative Ozymandiases marching off to glory before snapping off at the ankles in the depths of the desert: that was human history. Every now and then there would be the pretence of civilisation, but soon enough the restless, hateful, atavistic hearts of humanity would tear down the towers and slide back into barbarism, squealing with glee. Decadence loves the taste of blood, even though it is poison. — Jonathan L. Howard

The Mayor of Murslaugh was a jolly, ebullient man of the sort who, in a well-ordered world, would be called Fezziwig. That his name was Brown was a powerful indictment on the sorry state of things. — Jonathan L. Howard

Leonie Barrow knew enough about real criminal investigations to know full well that cases rarely if ever hinged on an encyclopedic knowledge of tobacco ash or the curious incident of the butler's allergy to spinach. — Jonathan L. Howard

You've had your warning, Cabal. Now, prepare to face the terrible arcane wrath of Maleficarus! Somewhere, a sheep bleated and quite ruined the effect. — Jonathan L. Howard

This is Hell," he tried to explain for the third time. "Not a drop-in centre. You can't just turn up and say, 'Oh, I was just in the neighbourhood and thought I'd call by and have a bit of a chinwag with Lord Satan.' It simply isn't done."
"No," said the infuriating mortal. "It hasn't been done. There is a difference. May I pass now?"
"No, you may not. Satan's a very busy ... um, is very busy right now. He can't go interrupting his work for every Tom, Dick, and Johannes"
he paused for effect, but the human just looked at him with a faint air of what seemed to be pity
"Harry, that is, who turns up demanding audience."
"Really?" said Cabal. "I had no idea. I thought this would be an uncommon occurrence, unique even, but you seem to imply that it happens all the time. Fair enough. — Jonathan L. Howard

He had seen inferno and tempest, and had not only looked into the abyss but the abyss had looked into him, and then made disparaging comments. — Jonathan L. Howard

Now, let us consider the life of Johannes Cabal, if briefly. He is closing on his thirtieth year and is ageing better than most, although this is a product of a lifestyle where sunlight is shunned rather than the assiduous use of moisturiser. He stands a little over six feet tall. He is blond, blue eyed, and, perforce, pale. These are not unusual characteristics; those are coming. — Jonathan L. Howard

hat was then Now Johannes Cabal and Joey Granite stood before Billy Butler and said nothing. The smell of smoke said it all for them. Butler smiled nastily. "Oh. It's - " As famous last words go, they lacked a certain something. "Uppercut, Joey," said Cabal. Joey Granite delivered an uppercut of surpassing science and pugilistic artistry. It was a thing of beauty and kinetic poetry that might be long admired among people who enjoy watching other people beat the living daylights out of one another. It was also powerful enough to lift a small building off its foundations. Anything up to a branch library would have tottered and fallen. Billy Butler, despite a bit of a gut, simply wasn't in the same league weight-wise. By some miracle, his head stayed on his body, but there was little doubt that the police would be making enquiries long before he hit the ground again. "Let us leave, Joey," said Cabal as Butler vanished through the cloud base. — Jonathan L. Howard

She's a bike. A tart. A slut. She'll be buried in a Y-shaped coffin. A baggage. A hussy. She's the good time that was had by all. A wanton floozy." She looked closely at him, but he still seemed to be stuck on cricket. "A nymphomaniac."
The use of a technical term shook him from his paralysis. Realisation flooded his face and a silent "Oh!" filled his mouth. — Jonathan L. Howard

Johannes Cabal disliked many things, despised fewer, loathed fewer still, and reserved true hatred for only a handful. Understanding how intense his personal definition of 'dislike' was, however, gives some impression of how hot his hatreds ran. This is a man who had, after all, shot men dead for making him faintly peeved. — Jonathan L. Howard

Admittedly, given the Dreamland's tendency towards the dramatic, should any ship come to the island it would probably be full of cannibalistic pirates, piratical cannibals, Jehovah's witnesses or similar. That was acceptable, however. He was sure they could come to some arrangement that didn't involve any unpleasantness. Any unpleasantness to himself,at any rate. — Jonathan L. Howard

School sounds a bunch more two-fisted than I'd thought. — Jonathan L. Howard

Lovecraft angled her head back until she was looking at Harrelson down her nose. "I trained as a librarian, and I run a bookstore. Fucking right I can use a gun. — Jonathan L. Howard

Has any progress been made on Cabal's notes?" "All a bit technical for me, I'm afraid," said Karstetz, who found getting dressed unassisted all a bit technical for him. — Jonathan L. Howard

Is the human creature as perfect in function as it might be?' 'Meaningless,' replied Cabal, 'with no definition as to what that function might conceivably be. We are good communicators, passable runners, middling swimmers, and poor at flying. — Jonathan L. Howard

All this bunch of so-called 'adults' was doing was making enemies of one another when what they really needed to be concentrating on was how to get out alive. — Jonathan L. Howard

They served to remind Cabal - should a reminder ever be necessary - why his social skills were so poor: people were loathsome and not worth the practise. — Jonathan L. Howard

he came into the store to threaten you with math and philosophy. The motherfucker's going down. — Jonathan L. Howard

You're not a fish, so it isn't the Abyss. — Jonathan L. Howard

He'd asked for his to be cooked medium rare, which in Mirkarvian cuisine meant it had been shown a picture of an oven for a moment and then served. A very brief moment, mind. — Jonathan L. Howard

Almost unbidden, he released the safety, and his index finger slid inside the guard. — Jonathan L. Howard

I thought you were talking figuratively! I kept asking and you kept saying, "An entrance to Hell," so I thought, Very well, Cabal, have your moment of melodrama now and bathos later when it turns out your talking about Ipswitch or somewhere, but you meant it. You actually meant it literally. — Jonathan L. Howard

It was like being threatened by wolves dressed as sheep, who had sunk so deep into their method acting that they were now unclear about the whole 'being dangerous' thing. — Jonathan L. Howard

The lesson seemed to be twofold: do not anger the gods, but if you must, at least make sure your city isn't next to a lake, as that's just asking for trouble. — Jonathan L. Howard

Instead he gave Cabal his most professional pat on the shoulder. It was his best pat, the one that said, You have my most sincere albeit non-specific sympathies. It was all he could do. — Jonathan L. Howard

Being an adult isn't a matter of age. It's a matter of responsibility. — Jonathan L. Howard

No churchmen, I notice. Of course not. What use have they for a world without irrational fear? — Jonathan L. Howard

Cabal regarded her with mild amusement. "Smile when you whisper," he advised her. "You're supposed to be flirting with me, if you recall?"
She stared at him icily. Then suddenly her expression thawed and she smiled winsomely, her eyes dewy with romantic love. "Oh, sweetheart ... somebody tried to kill you? Whosoever would do such a thing to my nimpty-bimpty snookums?"
Cabal could not have been more horrified if she'd pulled off her face to reveal a gaping chasm of eternal night from which glistening tentacles coiled and groped. That had already happened to him once in his life, and he wasn't keen to repeat the experience.
"What?" he managed in a dry whisper.
"Smile when you whisper," she said, her expression fixed and blood-curdlingly coquettish. You're supposed to be flirting with me, remember?"
"Please don't do that. — Jonathan L. Howard

I dislike seats without backs. I'll forget myself, lean back, and fall over, and where shall my dignity be then? I shall stand. — Jonathan L. Howard

Cabal dimly recalled that the musical genius who'd decided to put on Necronomicon: The Musical had got everything he deserved: money, fame, and torn to pieces by an invisible monster. — Jonathan L. Howard

He's painted himself into a corner and a thousand lazy reporters and ever-so-sincere politicians had rendered the only word that he could use comically melodramatic. 'I think ... Johannes Cabal ... is evil. — Jonathan L. Howard

Rufus Maleficarus has sorely disappointed me personally. I thought he was making quite a good recovery from what the previous director had unhelpfully referred to as "a soul-searing, sanity-dissolving, profoundly malevolent appetite for power and revenge." As it happens, I think the finger-painting lessons were going very well, at least up until Rufus used the paint to create a summoning circle, and then rode out of here on the back of an obliging Hound of Tindalos ... — Jonathan L. Howard

But when it comes to applied sciences, technologies, any spotty Herbert with a degree and a lab coat can perform greater wonders than Merlin. — Jonathan L. Howard

You know, I don't believe they noticed I had murdered them. I really don't. They just seemed faintly put out, as if it were a bit of bad luck, an act of God. 'Oh, my carotid artery has been severed with an open razor. I knew I should have cut down on greasy foods.' 'Botheration, I'm being belaboured with a fourteenth-century battleaxe. What are the odds, eh? — Jonathan L. Howard

Oh, wait. You're threatening us?' Her smile returned, a delightful expression filled with spring sunshine, heartfelt joy, and the imminence of wholesale slaughter. — Jonathan L. Howard

He couldn't see how you could scare the shit out of somebody with math, but it seemed you could. — Jonathan L. Howard

In the last few months, he'd found himself prey to strange twinges that, after some research, he had discovered to be his conscience. — Jonathan L. Howard

Leonie Barrow's voice was quiet but clear. With Marechal's eyes on her, she said, "Cabal is more dangerous then you can believe, Count. Both the angels and the devils fear him. He's a monster, but an evenhanded one. I know he is capable of the most appalling acts of evil." Her glance moved to Cabal, who was listening dispassionately. "I believe he is also capable of great good. But to predict which he will do next isn't easy or safe."
Marechal grimaced. "What is your association with this man? Public relations or something?"
"I loathe him," she said with sudden venom. The, more quietly, "And I admire him. You're right; he didn't have to come back. He's taken a big risk, but I know he's taken bigger. I can't tell you whether he's a monster or playing the hero right now, but I know one thing. You made the biggest mistake of your life when you made an enemy of him. — Jonathan L. Howard

This was true, in a largely false way: — Jonathan L. Howard

He smiled with the benevolence of somebody watching an unlovable toddler walk under a table and bang their head painfully. — Jonathan L. Howard

Horst was suddenly filled with great admiration for Miss Barrow, and a desire for popcorn. — Jonathan L. Howard

IN WHICH THERE ARE MONSTERS AND CATS, WHICH IS TO SAY, VERY MUCH THE SAME THING — Jonathan L. Howard

Inside the mansion of his mind, he was putting snakes back into boxes. — Jonathan L. Howard

No. The dream was just my subconscious mind's way of drawing attention to something I'd seen without perceiving its significance. — Jonathan L. Howard

May I ask what happened to your last revolver?' 'It turned into a sword.' 'Of course it did.' 'And then the ghouls probably stole it.' Cabal smiled with an expression so close to fondness that it made Horst stare. 'The naughty rapscallions. — Jonathan L. Howard

In Atlantic City, Bernie Hayesman looked at the plate of ribs, and he was not happy. He had asked for an omelet, a simple omelet to be sent up to his office, and they had sent ribs. He couldn't understand it. He'd spoken to the chef personally. They'd discussed eggs, if briefly. There was no earthly way "omelet" could have been misconstrued as "ribs". He looked at the plate of ribs, and the ribs looked back. Neither he nor they were overjoyed at the situation. — Jonathan L. Howard

There may be trouble. Anybody goes in there needs to know how to handle a gun. Do you?"

Lovecraft angled her head back until she was looking at Harrelson down her nose. "I trained as a librarian, and I run a bookstore. Fucking right I can use a gun." pg. 221. — Jonathan L. Howard

We're supposed to be doing the devil's work and you've gone and contaminated it all with the whiff of virtue. I really don't think you've quite got the hang of being an agent of evil. — Jonathan L. Howard

Well, if I ever suffer brain damage I know there's always a career waiting for me in local politics. — Jonathan L. Howard

I wore this hat to Hell.' He held the hat up to his nose and inhaled. 'Still faintly redolent of brimstone. That smell gets everywhere.' Horst, waiting by the door with the packed suitcase, said, 'When a normal person uses a phrase like they wore a hat to Hell, one naturally assumes they just wore it a lot. — Jonathan L. Howard

(D) Write a political treatise - not to exceed 250,000 words or 500 sides, whichever is less - detailing your solution to stabilising relations in the region. Military force above brigade level is not permitted, nor is divine intervention. You may include diagrams. — Jonathan L. Howard

In his experience, motives were simple. There was greed, there was jealousy, he'd seen plenty of revenge played out in gang-related crimes, there was even sadism, and sometimes there was flat-out stupidity, which was a pretty powerful motivator in itself. — Jonathan L. Howard

I forget all about how good-looking she was at a distance because, close up? My balls pretty much sucked up into my body." "I like your friend, Dan," said Lovecraft. "He's graphic. — Jonathan L. Howard

A census taker once tried to test me. I let my front garden eat him. — Jonathan L. Howard

There are ladies present, and I was raised to believe that being naked in front of strange ladies is something reserved for special occasions. — Jonathan L. Howard

Zombies are so passe — Jonathan L. Howard

Albert Einstein said that the only way to win at roulette is to steal from the table while the croupier isn't looking. — Jonathan L. Howard

For the first time, he truly understood what Nietzsche had meant when he had yammered about looking into abysses. Not only had the abyss looked into him, it had noted his name, address and shoe size. — Jonathan L. Howard

Apparently the Ministerium Tenebrae had decided to conquer the region using the unusual twin-pronged attack of zombies and avant-garde artwork. — Jonathan L. Howard

Not entirely fair?" His voice became that of the inferno: a rushing, booming howl of icy evil that flew around the great cavern, as swift and cold as the Wendigo on skates. "I am Satan, also called Lucifer the Light Bearer ... "
Cabal winced. What was it about devils that they always had to give you their whole family history?
"I was cast down from the presence of God himself into this dark, sulfurous pit and condemned to spend eternity here-"
"Have you tried saying sorry?" interrupted Cabal.
"No, I haven't! I was sent down for a sin of pride. It rather undermines my position if I say 'sorry'! — Jonathan L. Howard

All your suits, cravats, socks, and shoes are black. All your shirts and underwear are white.' He looked at the rug by the bed. 'And your slippers are red tartan. You don't have outfits, Johannes. You have a uniform. — Jonathan L. Howard

Satan rose to his feet and stood massive and malevolent, his head almost lost in the reeking clouds. Behind him, the floor shivered and shattered as his generals, princes and barons rose behind him: Balberith, Beelzebub and Carreau; Melmoroth, Shakarl and Mr Runcible; Olivier, Leviathan and Yog-Sothoth who just happened to be there because he couldn't help it. — Jonathan L. Howard

Rufus ignored him, muttering in the lost tongue of a pre-human civilisation that had worked great sorcerous happenings yet had never invented the vowel. — Jonathan L. Howard