Jon Stewart Quotes & Sayings

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do? — Jon Stewart

You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror." — Jon Stewart

Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now. — Jon Stewart

You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream. — Jon Stewart

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon. — Jon Stewart

Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people. — Jon Stewart

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating. — Jon Stewart

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do? — Jon Stewart

It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods. — Jon Stewart

1. Society needs laws. While anarchy can often turn a humdrum weekend into something unforgettable, eventually the mob must be kept from stealing the conch and killing Piggy. And while it would be nice if that "something" was simple human decency, anybody who has witnessed the "50% Off Wedding Dress Sale" at Filene's Basement knows we need a backup plan - preferably in writing. On the other hand, too many laws can result in outright tyranny, particularly if one of those laws is "Kneel before Zod." Somewhere between these two extremes lies the legislative sweet-spot that produces just the right amount of laws for a well-adjusted society - more than zero, less than fascism. — Jon Stewart

Campaigns and elections are the process in which democracy separates the willing from the able, and goes with the willing. — Jon Stewart

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. — Jon Stewart

By working to get away from your circumstance you can make something better of yourself, but there's no guarantee ... But you know what? The joy of it is chasing that dream. — Jon Stewart

Those fighting to be included in the ideal of equality are not divisive.

Those fighting to keep those people out - are. — Jon Stewart

It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug. — Jon Stewart

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" — Jon Stewart

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair. — Jon Stewart

Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he's ever confronted: the American voter. — Jon Stewart

The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan. — Jon Stewart

I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege, — Jon Stewart

The Vietnam war was fought over portion size. — Jon Stewart

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims there are no homosexuals in Iran, just like there are no gay conservatives in the US. — Jon Stewart

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden. — Jon Stewart

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles. — Jon Stewart

Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts ... — Jon Stewart

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes. — Jon Stewart

No one is better at not beating America than England. — Jon Stewart

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets. — Jon Stewart

When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty. — Jon Stewart

We owe Clint Eastwood a debt of thanks. Not only because it was truly a hilarious twelve minutes of improvised "awesome" in a week of scripted "blah".
But because it advanced our understanding.
This president has issues, and there are very legitimate debates about his policies and actions, and successes and or failures as president - I mean, tune in next week. But I could never wrap my head around why the world, and the president republicans describe, bears so little resemblance to the world and the president that I experience. And now I know why :
There is a president Obama that only republicans can see — Jon Stewart

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader. — Jon Stewart

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church. — Jon Stewart

New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack. — Jon Stewart

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea. — Jon Stewart

In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America. — Jon Stewart

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness. — Jon Stewart

We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside. — Jon Stewart

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. — Jon Stewart

Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN. — Jon Stewart

Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration. — Jon Stewart

Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons. — Jon Stewart

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom. — Jon Stewart

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio. — Jon Stewart

America has had to deal with eccentric dictators in the past: Idi Amin, Muammar Qaddafi, Ming the Merciless ... but now the security of the world is threatened by Kim Jong-il, a nerdy, pompadoured, platform shoe-wearer who looks like something you'd put on the end of your child's pencil. — Jon Stewart

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? — Jon Stewart

For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there. — Jon Stewart

I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies. — Jon Stewart

I think the main thing that has to end is men's defensiveness. — Jon Stewart

In whose delusional mind is democracy made better by letting wealthier people control more of it? — Jon Stewart

It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son. — Jon Stewart

A Trump was a demon who sometimes appeared to us in quasi-human form in order to fire us from jobs we never wanted in the first place. — Jon Stewart

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that. — Jon Stewart

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard. — Jon Stewart

Here's what I realized about the yam - it's the same colour as a Nerf ball. You may be wondering: 'Is he saying he ate a Nerf ball?' ... — Jon Stewart

Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it. — Jon Stewart

You're your own play. — Jon Stewart

How refreshing. A suspect beaten up BEFORE the LAPD showed up. — Jon Stewart

Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. — Jon Stewart

I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me. — Jon Stewart

At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It's not going to be like, 'I really want to do The Daily Show and I'd love to turn it into an abstract musical.' I like the format and the chance to satirize the news. — Jon Stewart

Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die. — Jon Stewart

Does anyone know ... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because ... uh ... you've all been in charge pretty much since ... uh ... what was that guys name ... Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success. — Jon Stewart

You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly ... F
you. — Jon Stewart

Making it [St. Patrick's Day] a great day for the Irish, but just an ok day if you're looking for a quiet tavern to talk, read or have a white wine spritzer. — Jon Stewart

What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I? — Jon Stewart

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff. — Jon Stewart

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. — Jon Stewart

Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot.
[Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006] — Jon Stewart

Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote. — Jon Stewart

The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!' — Jon Stewart

Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool? — Jon Stewart

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? — Jon Stewart

I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something. — Jon Stewart

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox. — Jon Stewart

Poor Al Gore. Global warming completely debunked via the very internet you invented. — Jon Stewart

If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars. — Jon Stewart

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1. — Jon Stewart

Technology. It's like science, only useless. — Jon Stewart

People that worry about where they think they're going next generally don't end up where they think they're going. I just worry about what I'm doing now and try to make it good. When you've got too much of a master plan, it's going to fail. — Jon Stewart

I can't believe I'm comforting a billionaire. — Jon Stewart

This show is our own personal beliefs. — Jon Stewart

I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night. — Jon Stewart

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. — Jon Stewart

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of? — Jon Stewart

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion ... perhaps around their necks? And maybe
dare I dream it?
maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively. — Jon Stewart

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor. — Jon Stewart

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything. — Jon Stewart

Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy ... — Jon Stewart

Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner
this is true
of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people. — Jon Stewart

Everyone just needs to get over themselves. — Jon Stewart

My buddy Tim Bass he's a-workin' pumpin gas, and he makes two fifty for an hour. He's got rhythm in his hands as he's tappin' on the cans, sings rock and roll in the shower. — Jon Stewart

Sometimes it's hard to face your own ... life. — Jon Stewart

The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now. — Jon Stewart

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being. — Jon Stewart

Apparently the only thing worse than a terrorist attack, is a gay man stopping it! — Jon Stewart

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty." — Jon Stewart

The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed. — Jon Stewart

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with. — Jon Stewart

After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.' — Jon Stewart

If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance (on 'Meet the Press') it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000.' — Jon Stewart