Jon Konrath Quotes & Sayings

I switched to using I Can't Believe It's Not Butter as my anal lube," Earl said. "My cholesterol is down 20 points. — Jon Konrath

I go to look up the elevation of the Golden Gate bridge on Wikipedia, and an hour later I'm watching four guys in lucha libre masks fuck a dolphin. — Jon Konrath

When you live in extreme pain, sometimes you need even more pain to feel alive. — Jon Konrath

They say practice mindfulness, practice meditation, practice kindness, practice breathing. I found no answers and wanted to practice driving a tank through a department store. — Jon Konrath

We worship Satan and only eat GMO foods. All hail Monsanto! — Jon Konrath

Fuck, can you give me a ride to Office Depot when I'm done with these dildos? — Jon Konrath

The white dress, made of billowy fabric like a cargo parachute, made her look like the female Boss Hogg trying out for a part in a community theater presentation of Brigadoon. — Jon Konrath

Don't do lunchmeat, kids. Bologna. Not even once. — Jon Konrath

He set down his chili dog, and after a pondering moment of silence, he replied with words of wisdom I'd never forget: "Fuck women. Fuck school. Fuck money. Go write some books, get a good agent, lift weights, get tattoos, and never do a film with Keanu Reeves. — Jon Konrath