Jeff Strand Quotes & Sayings

I won't say the pain was indescribable, since there are plenty of good descriptive words: excruciating, agonizing, unbearable, and so on. — Jeff Strand

I'm not good with speeding," said Shirley, sounding more than a little anxious. "The speed limits are there for a reason. Cars aren't meant to go fast. — Jeff Strand

I will never stop being pissed. He has now created a 'lifetime of seeking vengeance' scenario. — Jeff Strand

Further interrogation revealed that the Pires were a gang of Goths who only came out at night and liked to wear fake fangs and drink each other's blood. I could relate; there wasn't much good on TV anymore, and kids can get bored in the 'burbs. — Jeff Strand

I fell asleep right away. It was a deep sleep, the kind I used to enjoy in study hall. — Jeff Strand

I cursed. (S-word, f-word, s-word, d-word, s-word times three, f-word, and a z-word I made up on the spot.)
I kicked a brick wall.
I said the z-word again in response to the pain that came from kicking a brick wall. — Jeff Strand

There's a less than one percent chance of a vasectomy failing, but it does happen. And you know there were complications . . ." "Please don't talk about the complications. — Jeff Strand

Is someone in my tree?" I fought panic, and through Herculean effort managed to keep my pants dry. "No," I answered. She wasn't fooled. — Jeff Strand

Culinary incompetence could explain the first six or seven meals, but more than that had to be culinary malice. — Jeff Strand

I realized I was ignoring my girlfriend. I couldn't remember, was it two in the pink and one in the stink? Three in the pink and two in the stink? How many went in the stink?" ~ Jeff strand — Jeff Strand

But being hit in the face with monkey poo is something that, deep inside, we all believe happens only to other people. — Jeff Strand

They both had sub-machine guns. Yes, actual sub-machine guns. I couldn't believe it. — Jeff Strand

He didn't seem like somebody you'd want to invite to a party unless you'd already given up on it. — Jeff Strand

I knew what had caused this. It was Roger's sudden desire for children. That bastard's brain waves had infiltrated my scrotum, reconnecting my vas deferens and causing me to impregnate my wife, allowing him to vicariously experience the joys of new fatherhood. I was going to kick his ass the next time I saw him. — Jeff Strand

How about we meet tomorrow at Von's Gym, 6 A.M.?" I'd heard rumors that such an hour of the morning existed, but thus far it had been unconfirmed. — Jeff Strand

When I was little, my dad used to say, "Son, guilt doesn't make a very fluffy pillow. — Jeff Strand

Three hours waiting in a graveyard after dark starts to get to you. I don't know why. Maybe it's all the dead people hanging around underground. Whatever it was, by the time my watch said it was ten minutes to midnight, I had a major case of the creeps, the willies, and the heebie-jeebies. At least the flesh-eating zombies were keeping themselves hidden away. I sat there for another ten minutes and the same nothing that had been happening all night continued happening. — Jeff Strand

Hansel and Gretel had breadcrumbs, she had plastic spiders. Worst-case scenario, she could find her way back by following the trail of dead birds that had choked on them. — Jeff Strand

Let's start by checking your pulse," said Dr. Arnzin, wrapping the cuff of the blood pressure monitor around Stanley's arm and inflating it. He glanced at the readout and nodded. "No pulse. Good. — Jeff Strand

Tipsy isn't a miracle wonder cat. That was always the deal: you'd get your cat back, but he'd be sort of creepy. We discussed this. — Jeff Strand

What was he supposed to do besides break the living room window? Stand outside whacking off while she grabbed a cell phone and called for help? — Jeff Strand