Jay Mohr Quotes & Sayings

All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week. It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous. — Jay Mohr

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing. — Jay Mohr

The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters. — Jay Mohr

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day. — Jay Mohr

I think I made a mistake once ... yeah ... it was only once. — Jay Mohr

If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking. — Jay Mohr

I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball. — Jay Mohr

I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to. — Jay Mohr

Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that's that. — Jay Mohr

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind. — Jay Mohr

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up. — Jay Mohr

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick. — Jay Mohr

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks. — Jay Mohr

Whenever I don't feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over ... and they share the same asshole. — Jay Mohr

I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out? — Jay Mohr

I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field. — Jay Mohr

You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab. — Jay Mohr

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them. — Jay Mohr

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating. — Jay Mohr

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it. — Jay Mohr

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players? — Jay Mohr

I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry. — Jay Mohr

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die. — Jay Mohr

I'm oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone. — Jay Mohr

After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn't be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I'm looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait. — Jay Mohr

Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill. — Jay Mohr

What I like about stand-up is, it's truthful. I'm not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I'm up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier. — Jay Mohr

I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole. — Jay Mohr

She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains. — Jay Mohr

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks. — Jay Mohr

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it. — Jay Mohr

I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophisticated than we are. They're so pissed at us. You know what it is? They're mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us. — Jay Mohr

If you want God to laugh, make plans. — Jay Mohr

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts. — Jay Mohr

True Yankees are born, not made. — Jay Mohr

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person. — Jay Mohr

I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid. — Jay Mohr

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change. — Jay Mohr

Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets. — Jay Mohr