Jasper Fforde Quotes & Sayings

1.1.19.02.006: Team sports are mandatory in order to build character. Character is there to give purpose to team sports. — Jasper Fforde

Dragons, like four o'clock tea, crumpets, marmalade, and zip-up cardigans, are a peculiarity to the Ununited Kingdoms. They are fierce, fire-breathing creatures of great intelligence, dignity, and sensitivity who could and did converse on matters of great importance. But for all their intelligence, wit, and social graces, dragons still had one habit that made them impossible to ignore." "And that is?" "They liked to eat people. — Jasper Fforde

But that was what research and development were like. Full of semi-triumphs and perplexing unforeseen consequences like the whole violent hiccuping thing when conjuring up fire - or the propensity for fillings to fall out of bystanders' teeth when attempting to tease a rainstorm out of a cloud. — Jasper Fforde

Got the rocket-propelled liquorice launcher handy? — Jasper Fforde

History has rewritten itself so many times I'm not really sure how it was to begin with
it's a bit like trying to guess the original color of a wall when it's been repainted eight times. — Jasper Fforde

I'll tell you what love is" I said, "It is blind devotion, unquestioning self humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world, giving up your heart and soul to the smiter. — Jasper Fforde

People don't change just because you know more about them. — Jasper Fforde

The only member of the inner sanctum of licensed sorcerers absent was Patrick of Ludlow, who was busy moving an oak for a wealthy client eager to alphabetize his arboretum. — Jasper Fforde

I have the death sentence in seven genres. — Jasper Fforde

I was on HPD
Heathcliff Protection Duty
in Wuthering Heights for two years, and believe me, the ProCaths tried everything. I personally saved him from assassination eight times. — Jasper Fforde

She opened the door within two seconds of his pressing the doorbell, letting out a stream of cats that ran around with such rapidity and randomness of motion that they assumed a liquid state of furry purringness. The exact quantity could have been as low as three or as high as one hundred eight; no one could ever tell as they were all so dangerously hyperactive. — Jasper Fforde

Reading, I had learned, was as creative a process as writing, sometimes more so. When we read of the dying rays of the setting sun or the boom and swish of the incoming tide, we should reserve as much praise for ourselves as for the author. After all, the reader is doing all the work - the writer might have died long ago. — Jasper Fforde

Most of Mycroft's ideas were far too dangerous to even think about, much less let loose on a world unprepared for hyper-radical thought. — Jasper Fforde

Joffy had decided many years before that the problem with religion wasn't religion itself but its flagrant misuse as an absolutist argument to promote narrow tribal agendas. — Jasper Fforde

To take so much punctuation in one hit initially sounds audacious, but perhaps the thief thought no one would notice as most readers never get that far into Ulysses - you will recall the theft of chapter sixty-two from Moby-Dick, where no one noticed? — Jasper Fforde

I'm the kingdom's Beastcatcher, so I have full emergency vehicle status. If you think a pair are about to conjoin, call 999 and yell 'Quarkbeast' in a panicked, half-strangled cry of terror. They's put you straight through. — Jasper Fforde

Books" - Snell smiled - "are a kind of magic. — Jasper Fforde

Love is a wonderful thing, my dear, but it leaves you wide open for blackmail. — Jasper Fforde

Anything devised by man has bureaucracy, corrpution and error hardwired at inception. — Jasper Fforde

The inspiration comes from everywhere, from what I grew up with. There's so much silliness and nonsense in the world that we regard as normal working procedure. The satirical point of the view may be to counterpoint that. The way we look at classics has been hijacked by the intelligentsia - Shakespeare is highbrow and seen as something clever people do, which isn't right at all. I basically pull inspiration from everywhere. — Jasper Fforde

I have a mother,"replied Hamlet gloomily as he bowed politely and kissed my mother's hand."She shares my uncle's bed."
"They should buy another one, in that case," she replied, practical as ever. "They do a very good deal at IKEA, I'm told ... — Jasper Fforde

The name is Schitt," he replied. "Jack Schitt. — Jasper Fforde

Said by Colin the dragon:
It's somewhat bizarre to learn that many of you (humans)think that other humans are somehow different enough to be hated and killed, when in reality you're all all tiresomely similiar in outlook, needs and motivation, and differ only by peculiar habits, generally shaped by geographical circumstance. — Jasper Fforde

What is without dispute ... is that the readers need [the BookWorld] just as much as we need them - to bring order to their apparent chaos, if nothing else. — Jasper Fforde

I'm sure it's not all hot buttered crumpets out there in the breathing world of asphalt and heartbeats. — Jasper Fforde

Did the memory erasure device work, Uncle?"
"The what?"
"The memory erasure device. You were testing it when I last saw you."
"Don't know what you're talking about, dear girl. — Jasper Fforde

Quark!"--the Quarkbeast — Jasper Fforde

I also read about Heathcliff's unexpected three-year career in Hollywood under the name Buck Stallion and his eventual return to the pages of Wuthering Heights. — Jasper Fforde

Oh, they're usually peachy about it,' said Spike, laughing. 'They hang about for, well, five, six, maybe more - '
'Weeks?' I asked. 'Months?'
'Seconds,' replied Spike mournfully, 'and those were the ones that really liked me. — Jasper Fforde

Writing is not something you can do or you can't. It's not even something that 'other people do' or 'for smart people only' or even 'for people who finished school and went to University'. Nonsense. Anyone can do it. But no-one can do it straight off the bat. Like plastering, brain surgery or assembling truck engines, you have to do a bit of training - get your hands dirty - and make some mistakes. — Jasper Fforde

Don't anyone move ... I think we've driven into a mimefield. — Jasper Fforde

Social mores change with time, like fashion - who knows where it might all end up? I especially like the idea that waste, impoliteness and overpopulation become "abominations," although I'm not sure recycling one's aunt will ever truly catch on. — Jasper Fforde

DCI Horner's advice to Jack Spratt: "Remember, m'boy," his old boss had said, eyes twinkling, "that if anyone tries to get the better of you, stand up straight and say to yourself in an imperious air, 'I am the new Mrs. de Winter now!' You'll find it works wonders. — Jasper Fforde

This must have been how it all began with Chymes," sighed Jack. "A small
omission on one case, an 'embellishment' on the next. The question is not about
what's best but what's right. Chymes had confused the two and compromised not
only his own integrity but that of the police - and the due process of law. — Jasper Fforde

In the creative industries, there are few things more exciting than a zinger - a thought, idea, line, plot device - anything really, that just totally works in a fundamentally new and fresh way. It's like a uniquely lovely melody or a new taste idea in cooking. Something special, something new, something wonderful. They're also very rare. — Jasper Fforde

I hope that in my books there's an undertone of politics, basic tenets of how we should live. — Jasper Fforde

[I]appreciate a woman who knows when she's being coerced — Jasper Fforde

The Kingdom of Hereford was unique in the Ununited Kingdoms for having driving tests based on maturity, not age, much to the chagrin of a lot of males, some of whom were still failing to make the grade at thirty-two. — Jasper Fforde

...a standing ovation from five-year-olds is not to be sniffed at. — Jasper Fforde

[from the television show,"Evade the Question Time"]At the end of the first round, I will award three points to Mr. Kaine for an excellent nonspecific condemnation, plus one bonus point for blaming the previous government and another for successfully mutating the question to promote the party line. Mr. van de Poste gets a point for a firm rebuttal, but only two points for his condemnation, as he tried to inject an impartial and intelligent observation. — Jasper Fforde

The most favorite boy's name is James; the least favorite is Gzxkls. — Jasper Fforde

Miltons were, on the whole, the most enthusiastic poet followers. A flick through the London telephone directory would yield about four thousand John Miltons, two thousand William Blakes, a thousand or so Samuel Colleridges, five hundred Percy Shelleys, the same of Wordsworth and Keats, and a handful of Drydens. Such mass name-changing could have problems in law enforcement. Following an incident in a pub where the assailant, victim, witness, landlord, arresting officer and judge had all been called Alfred Tennyson, a law had been passed compelling each namesake to carry a registration number tattooed behind the ear. It hadn't been well received
few really practical law-enforcement measures ever are. — Jasper Fforde

You speak baby gibberish?' asked Jack.
'Fluently. The adult-education center ran a course, and I have a lot of time on my hands.'
'So what did he say?'
'I don't know.'
'I thought you said you spoke gibberish?'
'I do. But your baby doesn't. I think he's speaking either
pre-toddler nonsense, a form of infact burble or an obscure dialect of
gobbledygook. In any event, I can't understand a word he's saying.'
'Oh. — Jasper Fforde

Yes, and imagine a world where there were no hypothetical situations. — Jasper Fforde

For every expert there is an equal and opposite expert. — Jasper Fforde

Before, I suspected I might not amount to anything, and now I now I won't, so at least it takes away the wearisome burden of delusive hope — Jasper Fforde

Are you married?
Yes, I mumbled, that is to say - no.
Come, come, said Havisham angrily. It is a simple enough question.
I was married, I answered.
Died?
No, I mumbled, that is to say - yes.
I'll try harder questions in future, announced Havisham, for you are obviously not adept at the easy ones. — Jasper Fforde

Everything comes to an end. A good bottle of wine, a summer's day, a long-running sitcom, one's life, and eventually our species. The question for many of us is not that everything will come to an end but when. And can we do anything vaguely useful until it does? — Jasper Fforde

Miss Strange?" said the receptionist. "The King's Useless Brother has become bored and will see you early. — Jasper Fforde

... although her mouth uttered fond words, her eyes spoke only venom. — Jasper Fforde

To each our own Hamlet. — Jasper Fforde

To fail spectacularly is a loser's paradise. — Jasper Fforde

... Tell me, has anything odd happened to you recently?
What do you mean, odd?'
Unusual. Deviating from the customary. Something outside the usual parameters of normalcy. An occurrence of unprecedented weird. — Jasper Fforde

Sometimes I don't know whether I'm thening or nowing. — Jasper Fforde

Ralph started to scream in pain. Not that 'stubbed your toe' sort of pain, but more a kind of 'detached kneecap' kind of pain, only with seven simultaneous childbirths, neuralgia, and a tooth abscess all mixed in as well, for good luck. The sort you hope you never get to experience. — Jasper Fforde

You see? I know where every single book used to be in the library.' She pointed to the shelf opposite. 'Over there was Catch-22, which was a hugely popular fishing book and one of a series, I believe. — Jasper Fforde

Literary detection and firearms don't really go hand in hand; pen mighter than the sword and so forth. — Jasper Fforde

The other three orderlies who accompanied him are critical in the hospital.'
'Critical?'
'Yes. Don't like the food, beds uncomfortable, waiting lists too long - usual crap. Other than that they're fine. — Jasper Fforde

I started writing because I wanted to write scripts, but I wasn't very good at it. Then I started writing short stories, sort of as treatments for the film scripts, and I found I enjoyed writing short stories far more than I enjoyed writing film scripts. Then the short stories got longer and longer and suddenly, I had novels. — Jasper Fforde

GSD?' murmured Mycroft. 'What in heaven's name is that?'
'Global Standard Deity,' answered Polly. 'It's a mixture of all the religions. I think it's meant to stop religious wars. — Jasper Fforde

Maybe those sorts of yes-or-no life-and-death decisions are easier to make because they are so black and white. I can cope with them because it's easier. Human emotions, well ... they're just a fathomless collection of grays and I don't do so well on the midtones. — Jasper Fforde

The universe always moves from an ordered state to a disordered one; that a glass may fall to the ground and shatter yet you never see a broken glass reassemble itself and then jump back on the table. — Jasper Fforde

If it's a chimera alert, we just follows the screams. — Jasper Fforde

For God's sake, Mother," he said in an exasperated tone, "is there nothing dumb, daft or dangerous that you haven't tried at some point? — Jasper Fforde

The verses of Byron, Keats or Poe are real whether they are in bootleg form or not. You can still read them for the same effect. — Jasper Fforde

Extraordinary; I could almost see the Cambrian Mountains — Jasper Fforde

I've managed to bring the backlog down to a mere sixty-eight years," she announced with some small sense of achievement. "I hope to be able to start marking the papers of pupils who are still alive by the end of the decade. — Jasper Fforde

I've never been averse to a little risk - after all, writing without risk is not really writing at all. Sometimes one has to just let fly with a high concept piece and see where the pieces fall. As it generally turns out, the central story is familiar, but just with different rules of engagement. — Jasper Fforde

I still feel threatened by academics, but my books have a lot of academic in-jokes and everybody assumes I went to university and studied English. — Jasper Fforde

Don't move," said Sprockett."Mimes don't generally attack unless they are threatened. — Jasper Fforde

You want me to spy on a National Colour operative?'
'Wow,' she said, 'you got it. I thought I was going to have to explain that one for a lot longer. — Jasper Fforde

She had large, questioning eyes that seemed to draw me in and a sense of quiet outrage that simmered just beneath the surface. More than anything, within her features, there was a streak of wild quirkiness that made her dazzlingly attractive. — Jasper Fforde

This is Fiction, and the truth is whatever you make it. You can interpret the situation in any way you want, and all of the scenarios could be real
and what's more, depending on how you act now, any one of them could become real. — Jasper Fforde

If only life were that simple; if one could jump to the good parts and flick through the bad - — Jasper Fforde

If you ever think you might want a career in politics, Inspector, think again. It's merely a continuous and mostly vain attempt to keep several groups of people with opposing needs and agendas happy, and knowing in your heart of hearts that you cannot, and being lambasted for you hard work in the bargain. — Jasper Fforde

A surfeit of information often hides an untruth, he said, with annoying clarity. — Jasper Fforde

It was written in the ancient RUNIX spell-language, and is read-only and can't be modified. — Jasper Fforde

I was born on a Thursday, hence the name. My brother was born on a Monday and they called him Anton
go figure. My mother was called Wednesday, but was born on a Sunday
I don't know why
and my father had no name at all
his identity and existence had been scrubbed by the ChronoGuard after he went rogue. To all intents and purposes he didn't exist at all. It didn't matter. He was always Dad to me ... — Jasper Fforde

That's insane.'
'If you look around, you won't find much that isn't. — Jasper Fforde

Fanfiction isn't copying - it's a celebration. One long party, from the first capital letter to the last full stop! — Jasper Fforde

Believe me, you're going to have to do much worse than this
in the pursuit of freedom, the innocents will suffer
and at your hands. — Jasper Fforde

No one would argue that we owe a debt of gratitude to the Goliath Corporation. They helped us to rebuild after the Second War and it should not be forgotten. Of late, however, it seems as though the Goliath Corporation is falling far short of its promises of fairness and altruism. We are finding ourselves now in the unfortunate position of continuing to pay back a debt that has long since been paid
with interest ... — Jasper Fforde

So my humor, I'd say, comes from a mixture of lowbrow comedy shows and highbrow theater. It's an interesting mix. — Jasper Fforde

PDR: Persons of Dubious Reality; refugees from the collective consciousness. Uninvited visitors who have fallen through the grating that divides the real, from the written. They arrive with their actions hardwired due to their repetitious existence and the older and more basic they are, the more rigidly they stick to them. Characters from cautionary tales are particularly mindless; they do what they do because it's what they've always done.
And it's our job to stop them. — Jasper Fforde

I think that you could have used your vast intellect far more usefully by serving mankind instead of stealing it. -Mycroft
"Where's the fun in that? Goodness is weakness, pleasantness is poisonous, serenity is mediocrity and kindness is for losers. The best reason for committing Loathsome and detestable acts - and let's face it, I am considered something of an expert in this field - is purely for their own sake. Monetary gain is all very well, but it dilutes the taste of wickedness to a lower level that is obtainable by almost anyone with an overdeveloped sense of avarice. True and baseless evil is as rare as the purest good." -Acheron — Jasper Fforde

Our position as the policing agency within fiction gave us licensed access to abstract technology. One blast from the eraserhead in Bradshaw's rifle and the Minotaur would be reduced to the building blocks of his fictional existence: text and a bluish mist - all that is left when the bonds that link text to meaning are severed. — Jasper Fforde

Good evening," said the barman. "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" "Because Poe wrote on both? — Jasper Fforde

For myself, I favored the abstract. I collected not just obsolete terms and words, but ideas. — Jasper Fforde

He shook his head, looked around carefully and then lowered his voice. "Pretend to be mad and talk a lot. Then - and this is the important bit - do nothing at all until you absolutely have to and then make sure everyone dies." "Thanks, — Jasper Fforde

I arrived at the Swindon branch of TJ-Maxx at a little after two. I knew as well as anyone that the store hadn't been deliberately set up as a bargain store for end-of-line designer garments, but rather as a high-security facility for the imprisonment of dangerous criminals. — Jasper Fforde

Any word with the our ending could be spelt or, don'tchaknow." "Like neighbor instead of neighbour?" "It's a good idea," put in Snell. "Labor, valor, flavor, harbor - there must be hundreds. If we confine it to one geographical area, we can claim it as a local spelling idiosyncrasy. — Jasper Fforde

Almost anything can be improved with the addition of bacon. — Jasper Fforde

Defiance through compliance. — Jasper Fforde

A missing arm might ruin your symmetry. Personal asymmetry where I come from is a big taboo and brings great shame on the family and sometimes even the whole village."
"Do you then have to kill yourself over it or something?"
"Goodness me, no! The family and village just have to learn to be ashamed
and nuts to them for being so oversensitive. — Jasper Fforde

Sometimes your destiny takes you to dark places where you'd rather not be, but destiny, as they say, is destiny. — Jasper Fforde

Cucumbers are technically a fruit and in the same family as pumpkins, melons and squash, so it may benefit those markets, although, to be honest, giant melons don't strike me as potentially that commercial. — Jasper Fforde

A Quarkbeast is a small hyena-shaped creature that is covered in leathery scales and often described as: 'One tenth Labrador, six-tenths velociraptor and three-tenths kitchen food blender. — Jasper Fforde

When you're an author, you're always two people. Jasper the writer is different from Jasper the person at home. — Jasper Fforde

Vanity's contribution to Fiction in general was an abundance of cheap labour and the occasional blockbuster, which was accepted into Fiction with an apologetic 'gosh, don't know how that happened'. — Jasper Fforde

Although helpful, a disembodied hand on the Bugatti's steering wheel was a bit creepy, especially because this one was hairy and had No More Pies tattooed on the back. — Jasper Fforde