Jarod Kintz Quotes & Sayings

It's supposed to be raining Thank Yous on Thursday, after an ingratitude draught. Also, you'd better enjoy my love while it's fresh, before it goes rotten and I have to sell it to McDonald's as chicken filler. — Jarod Kintz

I have so many friends I couldn't even count them on one hand - not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I had seven fingers, I could count on them, but I still wouldn't be able to count on my friends. — Jarod Kintz

I'm stoic like a statue of Stonewall Jackson. I'd make a great U.S. President, but I'd make an even better chiseled piece of marble - and that's what makes me such an amazing lover. — Jarod Kintz

It was a cover up. I could tell by the dust jacket. — Jarod Kintz

Babies look better when they're all dressed up - in bacon. — Jarod Kintz

If a cold breeze signifies a ghost, then the arctic must be really haunted. I'm going there next week, because I've got to look everywhere when searching for the love of my life. — Jarod Kintz

Sometimes I'll read a book and feel it was written just for me. Then I'll flip the book over to look at the cover to see who wrote it, only to discover that it feels like it was written for me because it was written by me. — Jarod Kintz

The question is, If I killed your husband, would you seek revenge, or would you send me a Thank You card? I think I know the answer, so here is my address: Jarod Kintz 12321 Karma Circle, Jax, Fl 32223. — Jarod Kintz

I added five shots to my coffee, because that's all the bullets my magazine can hold. — Jarod Kintz

Flower petals in the breeze look like a butterfly flapping its wings. My love for you takes flight like a white orchid blushing pink. — Jarod Kintz

The best way to deal with tiredness is to sleep it off. — Jarod Kintz

I want to write a song based on my own childbirth. Of course, this is all a bit premature. — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But dammit you're going to have to hurry, before I bleed out all over the carpet. — Jarod Kintz

The best part of the word "booboo" is the breast. While the word doesn't suck, it is quite suckable. — Jarod Kintz

I know her name. I remember because I forgot. That's one of the joys of love. Well, two of the joys. — Jarod Kintz

Well excuse me! How was I supposed to know that a pink baseball cap with a dildo glued on top isn't a "hard hat"? — Jarod Kintz

I have slightly less than 60 miles to go, and I'm going slightly faster than 60 miles per hour. I should arrive in a bad mood. — Jarod Kintz

I'm on the road, Butte is 58 miles away, and I'm driving 85 mph. So I should be there in an hour. Oh, if only love were so easy to calculate. — Jarod Kintz

The name's David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I'm also not my own father, if you were wondering. — Jarod Kintz

I had to quit lifting weights because people suspected I was using steroids. Nope. My penis is naturally this small. — Jarod Kintz

My office window overlooks a parking lot. I've got the best view on the whole submarine. — Jarod Kintz

I type as fast as a ten-legged man who just had eight legs chopped off runs. — Jarod Kintz

Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake. — Jarod Kintz

Exuding confidence can ooze onto everyone around you. But it's sticky and goo-like, so remember to periodically wipe yourself down. I use a squeegee, because I don't like squeezing sponges. The only time I like to squeeze is when hugging a person - or a tree. — Jarod Kintz

I won't discuss non-discussable things with her, like the sound of silence or the vertical dimensions of an awkward moment. Those sorts of things are best left unsaid, like the last time I told her I loved her. — Jarod Kintz

While I'm no Major League Baseball prospect, I have thrown a few no-hitters in my day. And not only were there no hitters, there was also nobody there to catch. — Jarod Kintz

I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal! — Jarod Kintz

The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you're going to see it blink black. That's the moment to start writing. — Jarod Kintz

The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn't hate, it's ignoringance. — Jarod Kintz

To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle. — Jarod Kintz

I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she'll be displeased, because she didn't know I had a girlfriend. — Jarod Kintz

If your name is Alex Andrew Aaron, and you are a straight-A student, is it because your initials are AAA, because your first middle, and last names are all first names, or because a business named after your initials offers 24-hour roadside assistance? Most likely the answer is none of the above, and in all likelihood you are a cheat and a fraud. Your last name couldn't possibly be Aaron, because I don't believe you have a last name. And not only do you not have a last name, but I seriously doubt whether you even exist. — Jarod Kintz

I got my windshield replaced for no apparent reason. So now I have a new windshield that looks exactly like my old one, only cleaner. — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn't leave their wallets in their pants. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to start a civil war. And then that same brick could be used to start building the country up again after everything is destroyed. — Jarod Kintz

I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees. — Jarod Kintz

I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time. — Jarod Kintz

Hoping you were the first to do something, and fearing you weren't the first, won't change the future by altering the past. If you can't be Neil Armstrong, then be Neil Armstronger. — Jarod Kintz

I have the mannerisms of a mannequin. If you want to see me naked, you're going to have to buy the clothes on my body. — Jarod Kintz

I'm wearing the costume of a customer, and it smells cheap. Can you pass me the coupons, please? — Jarod Kintz

I have a list of pet names for Cap'n so long that it could fill a phone book (if the phone book is for a town with a population of four). I call him Cap'n Boy, Sweet Boyo, My Little Boy (done in a British accent), and when he is misbehaving, You Little Shit. — Jarod Kintz

See men run. Semen swim. — Jarod Kintz

I say we cut our government in half, with a chainsaw along their waists. — Jarod Kintz

Whenever I see a couple dancing, I think I could dance like that - if I were two people. — Jarod Kintz

I made plans out of hope, expectation, desire, and duct tape, and I broke those plans with my bare hands. — Jarod Kintz

I am the love machine of desire. I'm easy to operate. Just pull on my lever. — Jarod Kintz

Using my thumb and middle finger, I tend to make snap decisions. Right away I know whether I like a song or not. — Jarod Kintz

I like wearing gloves made of cheese (Swiss), and then going around asking elderly men if they want a knuckle sandwich. — Jarod Kintz

If you want me, you'd better hurry. Act now, supplies are limited. — Jarod Kintz

Control your temper, or it will control you. Sometimes even remotely, like a toy car. Christmas is coming up, and for only $44.44 I'll sell you a gift that would be perfect for the child in your life. — Jarod Kintz

The cause isn't worth getting up for, but it is worth sleeping for. Just trying to do my part to help humanity. — Jarod Kintz

You can share in my joy, but I don't want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery. Go ahead, take it all. — Jarod Kintz

There are few things in this world I have left to hang on to, and one of them is my ball sack. — Jarod Kintz

If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I'd think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to have not invited me. — Jarod Kintz

John Nobody, a Nobody Inc. spokesperson, declined to comment. Or prove his existence or the existence of the company he may or may not represent. — Jarod Kintz

I didn't want to go, but that doesn't mean I didn't want to be invited. — Jarod Kintz

My love is as loud as it can be while still being silent. Would you describe our relationship as Helen Kelleresque — Jarod Kintz

I care for her about my mom like a Maggie (three Donalds per serving). — Jarod Kintz

Dr. Chuck "Chuckles" Gigglebrooks, lead researcher at the National Association of Laughter Studies, had this conclusion to draw about why people laugh: "It's fun!" I only hope it didn't take a government grant to achieve this scientific breakthrough. — Jarod Kintz

As a storyteller, I appreciate a great tale. As a cat lover, I appreciate a great tail. — Jarod Kintz

This work is the link between my Dear Natalie piece and my upcoming Agatha work. It bridges that lapse in time and shows how my thinking has changed. It shows me telling a story through the surreal and trying to use thought fragments alone to show a tortured existence. This piece was written after the Dear Natalies and before the Agatha mystery, but it is meant to be read after you've already read both.
This book is a bridge between two books, which would make it a bridge between two bridges. That's strange, but I've seen stranger. Like the time I woke up in a fish tank, having morphed into a goldfish during my sleep. I still fear the sound of a flushing toilet, and since then I refuse to let myself fall asleep while wearing flippers.
This book is 3,088 words of pure nonsense, strung together like pearls hurled at bacon. Yum! — Jarod Kintz

My apartment complex isn't. No, it's simple. I used to think our love was simple, until Chris Hemsworth moved into your heart. — Jarod Kintz

Smaller plates discourage gluttony. But so does dining with dwarves. — Jarod Kintz

If I took a candy bar, ripped off the wrapper, ate the candy bar, and pinned the wrapper to the wall, is that art, performance art, both, or neither? — Jarod Kintz

The book "Little Women," what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets. — Jarod Kintz

My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She's tied up in the trunk this very moment. — Jarod Kintz

My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them. — Jarod Kintz

I'm a lion in my environment. But take me out of my cage, and I'm a lamb. — Jarod Kintz

Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don't know these things. I'm new to politics. — Jarod Kintz

Lead is to lead as follow is to follow. And lead is to lead as a type of metal is to a type of metal. Which brings me to my point: To love is to lead with your heart, while allowing your ego to sink like lead. — Jarod Kintz

I have no auditory depth perception. She said, "I love you," and I couldn't even tell if she was 300 miles away, or 6 feet below my feet and 300 years away. — Jarod Kintz

An ideal first date should involve things like a candle-lit dinner, soft music, and a binary anal defibrillator, with a guest appearance by Renaldo. — Jarod Kintz

Bricks could be used as words in the saying of a mason. When words and actions match up, you have a structure people could live in. It's a lot to live up to, and a lot to live in. — Jarod Kintz

Lost dog. Looks like a chicken. If found, do not attempt to feed it scrambled eggs for breakfast. You'll offend it just like I did, and it will run away. — Jarod Kintz

The only thing better than word of mouth is words of mouth. Give me at least two words. — Jarod Kintz

I wish I had money now. If only I'd saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies. — Jarod Kintz

In my dream I woke up to realize I was tired and needed to go to sleep. Then I slowly remembered that I was asleep, but that I needed to wake up and write this down. Blah. — Jarod Kintz

Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat, but now it looks like a globe is about to be born. — Jarod Kintz

Mounting anything on a plaque instantly transforms it from trash into an award. For example, a dry disposable pen goes from junk clutter to the first annual writer's award for dry humor. — Jarod Kintz

I'm 20 miles from 200 miles from nowhere. — Jarod Kintz

My reputation precedes me. It shows up about fifteen minutes before I do, eats, and then leaves without paying or tipping. — Jarod Kintz

I was fashionably late in my unfashionable clothes. — Jarod Kintz

I left Mermaid's Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot. — Jarod Kintz

I'd rather have a career that utilizes my creativity, but torturing people all day long is not a bad gig. At least not for me. — Jarod Kintz

A Yes-man is always a somebody. Only a No-man is a nobody. — Jarod Kintz

If a clock represented a pie chart, then I just ate a slice of apple pie so large it represents 33 minutes. That means I'm three minutes late for dinner! — Jarod Kintz

Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity. — Jarod Kintz

I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake. — Jarod Kintz

Even though I wore an eye patch, the Cyclops and I, we didn't see eye to eye. We argued about the nature of love, and I hated it, so in the name of love I had to stab him. — Jarod Kintz

I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car accelerates. — Jarod Kintz

I'm older now, which I can't help, but I'm also fatter, thanks to all the extra helpings. — Jarod Kintz

I had a dream about you. You were trying to understand the nature of nature, and I was trying to understand understanding. I thought we looked like philosophers, but your mother thought we looked like porn stars. Yes, we were naked, and yes, we were having sex, but isn't that the best way to really go about knowing knowledge? Anyway, if your mother wasn't happy with our teaching methods, she shouldn't have signed up for our class. — Jarod Kintz

Don't step on my toes. Especially if I'm walking on my hands. — Jarod Kintz

I don't believe in astronomy. Or is it astrology? I always get those two confused. But I'll tell you, that Copernicus was full of shit. — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming - and that you are warm. Where's the cold war when you need it? — Jarod Kintz

The lawyer said he couldn't take my case, even though I assured him it was stuffed with money. — Jarod Kintz

The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you. — Jarod Kintz

I'm a bean counter. Oh, I'm not an accountant, but I did spill pinto beans on the counter. — Jarod Kintz

If love had a pulse, like a heartbeat, would you find yourself oscillating like an isosceles triangle at the righteousness of a right-angled one? — Jarod Kintz

If you're going to do something dumb, do it in a smart way. This is my advice for falling in love. — Jarod Kintz