Janet Evanovich Quotes & Sayings

Get me a gun. If I don't go into labor soon, I'm going to shoot myself. And pass the gravy. Pass it now.
Valerie - To the Nines — Janet Evanovich

I rented Ghostbusters, my all-time favorite inspirational movie. I picked up some microwave, popcorn, a KitKat, a bag of bite-sized Reese's peanut butter cups, and a box of instant hot chocolate with marshmallows. Do I know how to have a good time, or what? — Janet Evanovich

You're my bodyguard and lover."
She shook her head. "Just your bodyguard."
"He'll never believe I'm not sleeping with you."
"You aren't."
"Even I find that unbelievable," Nick said. — Janet Evanovich

Since I write in first person and have no idea what goes on in men's heads. — Janet Evanovich

I thought your mother liked me." "My grandmother likes you. My mother worries that you might be related to Satan. — Janet Evanovich

I don't need handcuffs to enslave a woman. -Ranger to Stephanie — Janet Evanovich

Life is a journey, not a destination," Emerson said. "One must live in the moment. — Janet Evanovich

Ranger locked eyes with me. "Please," he said.
Tank and Hal were goggle-eyed. They weren't used to "please." I wasn't used to it either. But I liked it.
Okay," I said. "Be careful. He's insane. — Janet Evanovich

Make sure your main characters are likeable. They can be flawed, but your readers need to be able to root for them. — Janet Evanovich

I'm a real voyeur. — Janet Evanovich

She wrapped her head in a towel and croaked." That sounded reasonable to me ... except for the paring knife with blood and pieces of hair stuck to it. Lula bent at the waist and examined the towel, wrapped turban style. "Must have been a good clonk she took. Lots of blood." Usually when people die their bodies evacuate and the smell gets bad fast. Mrs. Nowicki didn't smell dead. Mrs. Nowicki smelled like Jim Beam. Carl and I were both registering this oddity, looking at each other sideways when Mrs. Nowicki opened one eye and fixed it on Lula. "YOW!" Lula yelled, jumping back a foot, knocking into Sally. "Her eye popped open!" "The better — Janet Evanovich

Transitions are critically important. I want the reader to turn the page without thinking she's turning the page. It must flow seamlessly. — Janet Evanovich

I took the stool next to him, raising an eyebrow at the coffee and cruller on the counter. "Thought you weren't into internal pollution," I said. Lately Ranger'd been on a health food thing.
"Props," Ranger told me. "Didn't want to look out of place."
I didn't want to burst his fantasy bubble, but the only time Ranger wouldn't look out of place would be standing in a lineup between Rambo and Batman. — Janet Evanovich

He blew himself up."
"Get out! You mean like guts all over the place?"
"Not all over the place," I said. "He was pretty well contained, all things considered. — Janet Evanovich

I know that the Federal Reserve vault holds more gold than Fort Knox. Fort Knox only holds about four thousand six hundred tons of gold. The Federal Reserve vault holds approximately seven thousand. That's a lot of gold. — Janet Evanovich

What time is it?" Lula asked. "I might need a doughnut. Is it doughnut time?"
"I'm thinking about eating healthier," I said. "More vegetables and fewer doughnuts."
"What's that about?"
"I don't know. It just came over me."
"It's a bad idea. What do I look like, Mr. Green Jeans? How would it sound if I said it's vegetable time? People would think I was a nut. Nobody gets a craving for a vegetable. And I'm the one on the diet. What am I gonna do with one carrot or one asparagus? They are not mood enhancers, if you see what I'm saying."
"I see what you're saying, but there aren't any doughnuts between here and Ernie's house."
"I guess I could wait. And maybe you're right about the healthy eating. I'm gonna get a carrot cake doughnut. — Janet Evanovich

I could help you," I said. "Counseling, drugs, a religious advisor, a girlfriend. — Janet Evanovich

Ranger Smiled. 'You want me to be Superman? Spend the night with me. — Janet Evanovich

Oh good. I love being bait for a homicidal mutilator.
Stephanie Plum — Janet Evanovich

That shooting gave me an appetite," she said. "Somebody pass
me the potatoes."
Grandma Mazur — Janet Evanovich

Ranger clicked his penlight on. "Hang onto me if you can't see."
I curled my hand into the back of his cargo pants just above his gun belt. "I'm good to go."
He was still for a beat. "You could have held on to my jacket," he said.
"Would you rather I do that?"
"No. Not even a little. — Janet Evanovich

Tastykakes are just another of the many advantages of living in Jersey. They're made in Philly and shipped to Trenton in all their fresh squishiness. I read once that 439,000 Butterscotch Krimpets are baked every day. And not a heck of a lot of them find their way to New Hampshire. All that snow and scenery and what good does it do you without Tastykakes? — Janet Evanovich

My professional aspirations were simple - I wanted to be an intergalactic princess. — Janet Evanovich

Connie drove a silver Camry with rosary beads hanging from her rearview mirror and a Smith& Wesson stuck under the seat. No matter whatwent down, Connie was covered. — Janet Evanovich

Grandma has a .45 long barrel that she keeps hidden from my mother. She got it from her friend Elsie, who picked it up at a yard sale. Probably it was in Grandma's purse. Grandma says it gives the bag some heft, in case she has to beat off a mugger. This might be true, but I think mostly Grandma likes pretending she is Clint Eastwood. — Janet Evanovich

ONE FOR THE MONEY — Janet Evanovich

I wanted to marry Aladdin so I'd get to fly on his magic carpet. So you can see that we were coming from different places. — Janet Evanovich

Not that I've noticed." She looked down at my gun. "What a nice Glock. My sister carries a Glock, and she just loves it. I was thinking about trading in my .45, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. My dead husband gave it to me for our first anniversary. Rest his soul. — Janet Evanovich

Which was one reason why Revolt of the Zombie Strippers was being shot in Gallup and not in a warehouse in Van Nuys. — Janet Evanovich

A book?" he asked. "Yeah, remember before television and computers we used to do this thing called reading? — Janet Evanovich

If Mickey Mouse could fly, he'd be Donald Duck. — Janet Evanovich

If you can't fool yourself," he said, "how can you expect to fool anybody else? — Janet Evanovich

I'm not driving you anymore," Lula said to me. "Every time I take you somewhere, people shoot at us." "Not every time. — Janet Evanovich

Oh boy," Lula said when she saw me. "Think we got a good story walking in the door, here. What's with the handcuff?"
"I thought it would look good with the cheese balls in my hair. You know, dress up the outfit."
"I hope it was Morelli," Connie said. "I wouldn't mind being cuffed by Morelli."
"Close," I said. "It was Ranger."
"Uh-oh," Lula said. "Think I just wet my pants."
"It wasn't anything sexual," I said. "It was ... an accident. And then we lost the key."
Connie fanned herself with a manila folder. "I'm having a hot flash. — Janet Evanovich

THE NOTE said the first clue was "in the big one." I looked at the jumble of letters that followed, and I saw no pattern. Not such a surprise, since I was missing the puzzle chromosome and couldn't do puzzles designed for nine-year-olds. — Janet Evanovich

Every man in my organization knows you and understands that you're my personal property, — Janet Evanovich

Here's something else to worry about," he said. And he kissed me - his hand at the nape of my neck and his mouth on mine, soft at first, then serious and demanding. He drew me closer and kissed me again and desire washed over me, hot and liquid and scary.
"Oh boy," I whispered.
"Yeah," he said. "Think about it."
"What I think ... is that it's a bad idea."
"Of course it's a bad idea," Ranger said. "If it was a good idea I'd have been in your bed a long time ago. — Janet Evanovich

You must be a terrible burden to your mother. I am feeling so sorry for her not to have a proper daughter.
Mrs. Apusenja - To the Nines — Janet Evanovich

Gravy isn't a food group." "Say what? — Janet Evanovich

The dancers finished thier set, and one immediately strolled over to our table and straddled Ranger.
Want a private party?" she asked.
Not tonight," Ranger said. He handed her a twenty, and she left.
What about the cat-feeding theory?" I asked him.
Out the window. — Janet Evanovich

Somewhere along the line, I realized that I liked telling stories, and I decided that I would try writing. Ten years later, I finally got a book published. It was hard. I had no skills. I knew nothing about the business of getting published. So I had to keep working at it. — Janet Evanovich

I have your gun" I pulled the Ruger out of my bag and gave it to Ranger. He held the gun flat in his hand and looked at it. "It smells like orange blossoms."
"I washed it and sprayed it with air freshener"
"You washed it?"
"I wore rubber gloves and scrubbed it with my vegetable brush. It was.. icky"
He yanked open the driver's side door, pulled me out of the car, and kissed me. The kiss involved tongue, and a hand on my ass, and made my nipples tingle.
"I can always count on you to brighten my day" Ranger said.
Ranger drove off, and I got back into the Buick.
"That was hot," Lula said. "Imagine what he'd do if you washed his Glock
After Stephanie threw up on Rangers gun. — Janet Evanovich

Just make sure you're not withholding information, Sandeman. Your parole officer might find it annoying." He gave me a shot to the shoulder that knocked me back a foot. "Somebody yanks my parole officer's chain, and somebody might find out why they call me the Sandman. Maybe you want to think about that." Not anytime soon. — Janet Evanovich

I don't care that you're short. I like lots of things that are short. Little dogs and daffodils. I hate you because you're mean as a snake. Would it kill you to be nice? — Janet Evanovich

Lula's borderline too much of a good thing in lots of ways. It isn't exactly that Lula is fat; it's more that she's too short for her weight and her clothes are too small for the volume of flesh she carries. — Janet Evanovich

Are you telling me you think Ranger's a superhero?'
Think about it. We don't know where he lives. We don't know anything about him.'
Superheroes are make-believe.'
Oh yeah?' Lula said. 'What about God? — Janet Evanovich

Ranger unlocked my door, pulled me to him, and kissed me. The kiss started out gentle and finished with enough heat to raise the temperature in the hallway by ten degrees. — Janet Evanovich

He slid an arm around me and pulled me to him. I rested my head on his chest, and he nuzzled my hair and kissed me just above the ear. — Janet Evanovich

He rooted for the Mets, he wore Foot of the Loom underwear, and he drove a Buick. His loyalties were carved in stone and he wasn't about to be impressed with some upstart of a toaster salesman who drove a Bonneville. — Janet Evanovich

I'm done with men. I have a hamster. That's all I need. — Janet Evanovich

I smell vampire" -Lula
"You're a Nut" -Stephine
"Well I smell something." -Lula
"Mold." -Stephine
"Yeah. I smell moldy vampire" -Lula — Janet Evanovich

I'm a glass-is-half-full person now, and your sorry ass is still in half-empty country. — Janet Evanovich

Eleanor Krautz pushed her way through the crowd and stage-whispered to Grandma, "Who's the hottie with your granddaughter?"
"That's Ranger," Grandma stage-whispered back at Eleanor. "I don't think Stephanie knows what to do with him."
"I'd know what to do with him," Eleanor said.
"Jeez Louise," I said. "We can hear this conversation."
Ranger looked down at me. "I could make suggestions if you're really in the dark. — Janet Evanovich

Sally looked over at him. "What, are you homophobic?"
"Nope," Morelli said. "I'm Italian. There's a difference. — Janet Evanovich

And from where I was sitting his ass looked like little Bear's bed ... not too hard, and not too soft, but just right. — Janet Evanovich

She gestured to the bag. "What have you got in there?"
"Nothing much. Some golfballs, a handful of tees, a Glock, extra ammo, two hand grenades, a tear gas canister, a knife, Tums, clean socks, flares, and some Ensure chocolate shakes."
"You took all of that with you to play golf? — Janet Evanovich

I could use some help with an FTA.
What's your problem?
He's old, and I'll look like a loser if I shoot him. — Janet Evanovich

Ranger was grinning. "Somebody beat the shit out of this guy before he got shot."
"That would be me."I said.
"Babe,"Ranger said, the grin widening. — Janet Evanovich

You're going to find this hard to believe, but cops aren't required to carry emergency condoms.
Joe Morelli — Janet Evanovich

It was dark and raining, with bad visibility, but this was Jersey, and we don't slow down for anything. — Janet Evanovich

Nothing Personal? You've harrassed my mother, stolen my car, and now you're telling people I've gotten you pregnant! In my opinion, getting someone pregnant is pretty fucking personal! Jesus, isn't it enough I'm accused of murder? What are you the bounty hunter from hell? — Janet Evanovich

Now it's my turn," Riley said. "What's your first name? Where'd you grow up? Who's your favorite Batman? — Janet Evanovich

Creep" I said, cutting to the heart of the matter. - Stephanie
"Gosh, I wonder who this could be."
- Morelli
"You lied to me. I knew it too. I knew right from the beginning, you jerk."
Silence stretched taut between us, and I realized my accusation covered a lot of territory, so I narrowed the field.
"I want to knew about this big secret case you're working on, and I want to know how it ties in to Kenny Mancuso and Moogey Bues." - Stephanie
"Oh" Morelli said. "That lie " - Morelli
"Well?" - Stephanie
"I cant tell you anything about that lie" - Morelli
-Two For The Dough — Janet Evanovich

Riley reminded herself that she was a professional, and stabbing Emerson with her nail file wouldn't be appropriate. — Janet Evanovich

It was two whacked-out guys who said they always wanted to kidnap a midget. — Janet Evanovich

This isn't just a job. This is a service profession. We uphold the law, babe.
Ranger — Janet Evanovich

And something chocolate, of course. A meal was not a meal without some sort of chocolate for desert. — Janet Evanovich

The note wasn't signed, but I could tell it was from Morelli by the way my nipples got hard. — Janet Evanovich

And listened for Lula's knock on his door. — Janet Evanovich

Kiss those cuffs good-bye." Lula from "Hard Eight" By Janet Evonavich — Janet Evanovich

She was looking for — Janet Evanovich

He had a lot of muscle and a skill level somewhere between Batman and Rambo. — Janet Evanovich

The man was irresistible. What's with that? she thought. It was like wanting to bake cookies for the spawn of Satan. — Janet Evanovich

Since I can barely write two books a year the best solution seems to be co-author projects. My goal isn't to get another writer to clone me ... it's more to produce a book that shares my vision of positive, fun entertainment. — Janet Evanovich

About that proposal, cupcake..."
Morelli — Janet Evanovich

every other aspect of his life. He had the — Janet Evanovich

White lies are a gray area, — Janet Evanovich

Your cousin Maureen just got a job at the button factory. They're probably still hiring.
Helen Plum — Janet Evanovich

Was a fast easy reading, Good to take your mind off of anything serious for a while — Janet Evanovich

Um, Emerson?" she said. "I've reached the end of my rope. — Janet Evanovich

Ranger was slouched on the couch, watching a ball game. Bob was beside him, his big shaggy orange Bob head resting on Ranger's leg. — Janet Evanovich

He's the Wizard because he's magic. He mysteriously passes through locked doors. He seems to read minds. He's able to refuse dessert. And he can give me a hot flash with the touch of a fingertip. — Janet Evanovich

They have enough testosterone between them, if testosterone were electricity they could light up New York City for the month of August — Janet Evanovich

I'll take a donut over a man any day of the week. — Janet Evanovich

Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes. — Janet Evanovich

So all you have to do is get in touch with Spider-Man? — Janet Evanovich

I took all of my rejection letters - there must have been thousands of them in a huge box - and I went out on the curb and burned them all, crying. — Janet Evanovich

I understand why you do your job," my mother said to me. "There's a sense of accomplishment when you take down someone bad. It's like being a police officer or being in the Army or being a mother. You have a responsibility to protect and keep order, and you do whatever it takes to get that done. — Janet Evanovich

I don't have a lot of domestic instincts," Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."
I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file. — Janet Evanovich

years old and widowed. No children. He'd sold his insurance business — Janet Evanovich

At the other end of the room, Grandma had the lid up on Larry Lipinski. She was standing one foot on a folding chair, one foot on the edge of the casket, and she was taking pictures with a disposable camera. — Janet Evanovich

I don't feel so good." Lula said. And she farted.
She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long fart. "Excuse me." she said.
I was horrified and impressed all at the same time. It was a record breaking fart. On my best day, I couldn't come near to farting like that. — Janet Evanovich

They were actually sitting at a table, like two old friends, not like the hunter
and the hunted. And it wasn't especially awkward. They were comfortable together,
despite the fact that she'd hit him with a bus. Maybe his scheme would work. — Janet Evanovich

Pete- What does a woman want out of marriage?
Louisa- Undying devotion and a warm place to put her cold feet when she gets into bed at night. — Janet Evanovich

You're a lunatic. You ran me over with a goddamn Buick. — Janet Evanovich

We've got to get into shape," I said to Lula. "We should go to a gym or something." "I'd sooner set myself on fire. — Janet Evanovich

I'm sorry about your Porsche." "I can replace the Porsche. I can't replace you. You need to be more careful." I was just sitting in your car!" Babe, you're a magnet for disaster. — Janet Evanovich

Diesel was about to place the cockroach on the casket, and my purse rocked out with "Thriller" again.
"Excuse me," I said. And I answered my phone.
"I'm beginning to appreciate Hatchet," Wulf said to Diesel.
Diesel smiled. "She has her moments. And she makes cupcakes."
I disconnected and stuffed my phone into my pocket.
"Well?" Diesel asked.
"It was Glo. Her broom ran away again."
"I would appreciate it if we could get on with this without more interruption," Wulf said in his eerily quiet voice, his eyes riveted on mine.
"Lighten up," I said to Wulf. "Glo lost her broom again. This is a big deal for her. And what have we got here anyway ... a dead guy and a Stone. Do you think they can wait for three minutes longer?"
Diesel gave a bark of laughter, and Wulf looked like her was trying hard not to sigh.
- Diesel, Lizzy, and Wulf, page 306-307. — Janet Evanovich

I'll have Ella order some Rangeman shirts for you. If you decide to go back to Vinnie you can keep the shirts." Ranger almost smiled. "I like the idea of you wearing my name on your breast. — Janet Evanovich

You're not looking for a partner," Ranger said. "You're looking for an enforcer. You hate to run. You must be worried about getting into that black dress. What did you eat just now? Piece of cake? Candy bar?"
"Everything," I said. "I just ate everything. — Janet Evanovich