Henny Youngman Quotes & Sayings

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. — Henny Youngman

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? — Henny Youngman

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. — Henny Youngman

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does! — Henny Youngman

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess. — Henny Youngman

If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked? — Henny Youngman

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself. — Henny Youngman

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers." — Henny Youngman

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. — Henny Youngman

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it? — Henny Youngman

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them. — Henny Youngman

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny. — Henny Youngman

If you're gonna do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late — Henny Youngman

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. — Henny Youngman

When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading — Henny Youngman

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. — Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. — Henny Youngman

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. — Henny Youngman

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards. — Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? — Henny Youngman

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink. — Henny Youngman

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five. — Henny Youngman

Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us! — Henny Youngman

My wife has a black belt in shopping. — Henny Youngman

I just made a killing in the stock market
I shot my broker. — Henny Youngman

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men. — Henny Youngman

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. — Henny Youngman

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!" — Henny Youngman

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions. — Henny Youngman

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house. — Henny Youngman

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face. — Henny Youngman

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." — Henny Youngman

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. — Henny Youngman

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" — Henny Youngman

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!" — Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. — Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed ... So much for skydiving. — Henny Youngman

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.' — Henny Youngman

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! — Henny Youngman

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife. — Henny Youngman

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked. — Henny Youngman

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. — Henny Youngman

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. — Henny Youngman

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex. — Henny Youngman

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!" — Henny Youngman

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live. — Henny Youngman

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race ... — Henny Youngman

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" — Henny Youngman

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini! — Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. — Henny Youngman

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window! — Henny Youngman

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O — Henny Youngman

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!" — Henny Youngman

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did — Henny Youngman

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. — Henny Youngman

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. — Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! — Henny Youngman

When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing. — Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. — Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. — Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. — Henny Youngman

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. — Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. — Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. — Henny Youngman

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected. — Henny Youngman

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement. — Henny Youngman

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. — Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying. — Henny Youngman

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!" — Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." — Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. — Henny Youngman

What is a home without children? Quiet. — Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' — Henny Youngman

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him. — Henny Youngman

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free? — Henny Youngman

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair? — Henny Youngman

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. — Henny Youngman

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad. — Henny Youngman

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!" — Henny Youngman

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo. — Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. — Henny Youngman

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady? — Henny Youngman

There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate. — Henny Youngman

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!" — Henny Youngman

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. — Henny Youngman

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him. — Henny Youngman

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" — Henny Youngman

A person asked me, How do you prepare for the stage? I told her, Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles ... — Henny Youngman

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. — Henny Youngman

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" — Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. — Henny Youngman

I think the world of you ... and you know what condition the world is in today. — Henny Youngman

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. — Henny Youngman

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in." — Henny Youngman

I miss my wife's cooking, as often as I can — Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. — Henny Youngman

The more I think of you, the less I think of you. — Henny Youngman

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. — Henny Youngman