Helen Ellis Quotes & Sayings

YA is about angst. Will I get that boy to like me? Will I lose the weight? Will I turn into a vampire if he just gives me a hickey? I'm an orphan! I'm a mind reader! I'm biracial! I'm gay! When I get out of high school, I'll move to New York City, where I'll find others like me, and then I'll be happy and I will have it all: a career, a family, good teeth, and takeout Chinese. — Helen Ellis

You've got to have brains to play dumb. — Helen Ellis

The only thing with less character than Chardonnay is wainscoting. — Helen Ellis

Face it: you're never going to get carded again, so quit asking bouncers if they want to see your ID. Quit going places where they have bouncers. — Helen Ellis

Sugar, nobody's perfect. And when ladies try to be perfect, their periods stop. — Helen Ellis

All we marrieds have a marriage chuckle. A marriage chuckle is a fake laugh you bring out when your spouse does something dumb that you have to pretend is charming. My — Helen Ellis

I study long-married couples and decide that wives are like bras: sometimes the most matronly are the most supportive. — Helen Ellis

Write what I know, who wants to read that? If only our apartment was haunted or I was the tiniest bit possessed by the devil. — Helen Ellis

It's amazing that the city we live in allows "pets" that belong in a sideshow, but makes it illegal for me to have a switchblade. — Helen Ellis

it's going great. Two months in, and I've created three apps."

"Apps?"

"For people who buy my book as an e-book --which will be everybody. The first is called Don't Look. It's for the overly sensitive. It blurs and turns the type red when a dog dies or a baby is born with a birth defect. Stuff like that. My second is It's Not Okay When You Say It, and it delivers an electrical zap if the reader laughs at a racial slur. My third is Jesus Thesaurus, which replaces explicit sexual language with church words. So, when one of my characters 'saints' a guy's 'disciple', He'll beg her to 'cavalry' his 'Baptists' and 'shout amen'. — Helen Ellis

Just because you can fit into something tight doesn't mean that you belong in it. — Helen Ellis

A good bra is fine, but a great bra is life changing. It gives you the confidence of a homecoming queen. It's a tiara for your ta-tas. — Helen Ellis

A pink razor is like a mouse, where ever it is the pussy will follow. — Helen Ellis

Fix myself a hot chocolate because it is a gateway drug to reading. — Helen Ellis

I scroll through iPhone photos and see that if I delete pictures of myself with a double chin, I will erase all proof of my glorious life. — Helen Ellis

I cry because I don't have the upper-arm strength to flatiron my hair. I — Helen Ellis

French pedicures make your toes look like fingers. You look grabby. French pedicures are for man thieves. — Helen Ellis