Heidi Cullinan Quotes & Sayings

Because I don't like the idea of you facing them alone. Because I'm not dating you because you're convenient. Because I don't want to simply have sex with you or hang out with you." He stroked the line of Paul's beard. "I want to be with. You. I want to watch gooey movies with you, and laugh and play and figure out new ways to enjoy sex, but I want to help you through the rough parts of life too. — Heidi Cullinan

There's no magic ruler by which we're all judged and weighed, not in this life. If you wait for someone to tell you it's time to grow up, you'll wait forever. Some people, quite happily, do just that. They don't do anything until they're forced to by circumstance — Heidi Cullinan

A wall of heat. The furnace had to be turned up almost to eighty, — Heidi Cullinan

That's it, he rasped. Hump me. Are you a dog? Are you a dog in heat? You my dog? He slapped me again. Speak, puppy. — Heidi Cullinan

He wondered ... if the journey of a life with pain was simply finding more ad more layers of acceptance, that at best the most constant tether would be that he would never really find the bottom, that the bottom had different levels, and that no matter how good he tried to be, sometimes he would sink into a hole. — Heidi Cullinan

Get out there in the wide world and see for yourself. Find out if you're pathetic, or if it's what people told you to be and you started to believe it. — Heidi Cullinan

I don't know why, but nobody undoes me like you. You want to know why I ran from you for a month? That. That right there." He traced the tip of his nose along Elijah's. "I'm done running. — Heidi Cullinan

I'm so in love with him I can't even ask him out. I want to lie at his feet, want to smooth out all the wrinkles in his life and make everything okay. — Heidi Cullinan

You're insane." "Crazy for you, baby," Ed whispered at his ear. — Heidi Cullinan

Nothing in the world is the same as anything else, so how can anyone be normal? — Heidi Cullinan

Depression is having a crowd of dementors live in your head twenty-four/seven. — Heidi Cullinan

We all have pain, Wes. It isn't life sithout it. What matters in life isn't that we escape pain. What matters is that we overcome it. — Heidi Cullinan

This was something he'd done a great deal of when he was very young, so young the memory was washed to sepia with age. — Heidi Cullinan

It's not going to work. I'm not the kind of guy they move mountains for. I got the message loud and clear.
Giles stared at him, trying to figure out what to say, except he truly didn't know how to counter that. He did get what Elijah was talking about. People liked to help pretty people, and Giles and Elijah weren't pretty. — Heidi Cullinan

Let me lick you how much I'm sorry. — Heidi Cullinan

You saw me, though. In the alley. You looked at me and you saw me. I was hiding, but I couldn't hide from you." ~ Chenco to Steve — Heidi Cullinan

But what I am done with is waiting for when things are better. I'm done waiting for the pain to be all gone. I'm done trying to keep it at bay. — Heidi Cullinan

You thought I was so toppy I wouldn't bottom?" He laughed and bit the place he'd been kissing. "Honey, I can drive from anywhere. — Heidi Cullinan

Sit. I can't flirt standing up, and you're freakishly tall. — Heidi Cullinan

Jeremey smiled at me, and my chest felt warm and tight. I love you, Emmet. I love you too, Jeremey. I kissed the inside of my palm, then pressed that palm to Jeremey's. His eyes were bright as he took the kiss tight in his fist and his open palm to his lips. I couldn't stop smiling. I loved him so much. — Heidi Cullinan

Remember having a panic attack isn't a failure, and not having one isn't a success. Success is not letting the attacks run your life — Heidi Cullinan

God, they hit you with the stupid stick way, way too hard. — Heidi Cullinan

He wondered if this, more than guilt, was what had been holding him back. It wasn't that he was punishing himself as much as it was that he didn't really want anything anymore. But was that true? Did he really not want anything? What did he want to do? What did he want, period? — Heidi Cullinan

As far as Elijah Prince was concerned, gay weddings could choke on their own cheery goddamned glitter and die. — Heidi Cullinan

Louisa raised an eyebrow. Is he - how shall I put it delicately - a simple man? — Heidi Cullinan

He didn't say anything, because he couldn't. Because he wanted to say things like I can't sleep with you because it wouldn't be like the other guys I fuck. I can't sleep with you because I already think about you way too much, care way too much, and if I sleep with you, I'm scared to think about how bad it would be if things didn't work out, if you went away too like everybody else always does. He couldn't say any of that, which meant he couldn't, not really, say anything at all. — Heidi Cullinan

Moments of something this good, this unexpected and off his usual path, they always dredged up old shit, like somehow happiness came with sorrow as its anchor. — Heidi Cullinan

Everybody's got dirty laundry they don't want other people to see. The trick is figuring out how to not care about it. Make peace with it, accept it as part of who you are. — Heidi Cullinan

Sometimes I liked him for his smile. Sometimes I liked him because he didn't smile. Sometimes I got an erection because of the way he brushed his hair away from his face. It didn't matter to my brain that these were odd reasons to care for someone. My brain, my body, my everything wanted to be Jeremey's boyfriend. — Heidi Cullinan

Kill them with kindness and if that didn't work, use a shotgun — Heidi Cullinan

We can't date. Maybe we could fuck occasionally. But that's it. Anything else is ridiculous."
A shiver ran through him as Baz's body brushed his, hands skating over his arms. "Let's be ridiculous. — Heidi Cullinan

I can win anytime. Kevin's going to go back to Burbank and tell everybody in his cubicle how he won at the Golden Nugget. Sometimes the pot isn't the money. — Heidi Cullinan

Because that's what the right partner did: they helped you find your better self, especially when you couldn't clear out the cobwebs on your own to find the way. — Heidi Cullinan

So long as Sam wanted to take it up the ass with another dick in his mouth instead of politely pounding a pussy, he couldn't belong. Not here. Not ever. Any wedding Sam planned in this environment wouldn't just be an also-ran. It would be nothing short of a total disaster. — Heidi Cullinan

Why do you stay with me?" he whispered. He wished he hadn't said it once the words were out of of his mouth, wished he could pull them back, but Laurie didn't seem fazed at all. In fact, he just smiled a crooked smile and kissed him again. "Because I don't want to dance by myself," he whispered. — Heidi Cullinan

Every book is a revolution. Books are our ticket out of boredom, despair, loneliness - but also ignorance. — Heidi Cullinan

Absolutely no slouching, Ed. You're the frame. You're the stem to my flower. Quit giving me crooked pictures and wilted flowers. — Heidi Cullinan

Everything will change, if you wait long enough. — Heidi Cullinan

It had been fun to ride the fairy tale of Baz Acker actually giving a shit about him, but he knew firsthand fairy tales were a lot more Grimm brothers and much less Walt Disney. — Heidi Cullinan

[His pain] wasn't a punishment. It wasn't a gift. It just was. His pain was his life. It wasn't all his life was, not always. — Heidi Cullinan

He wanted a James Lear novel: near to constant episodes of sexual encounters strung together with a bit of mystery, and maybe, for window-dressing, some self-discovery. — Heidi Cullinan

Nobody ever loved you like I do. ~ Steve thinking to himself about Chenco — Heidi Cullinan

I don't think people understand about suicidal thoughts. They act as if everyone who makes an attempt is looking for attention. — Heidi Cullinan

It makes me feel shitty and alone. I don't want to be alone." He sagged. "But I think maybe I have to be. Even in a crowd of people, my heart will always ache." The statement resonated in the furthest hollows of Baz's soul. "Then we'll be lonely hearts together. — Heidi Cullinan

Walter Lucas, you're going to marry me. And you're getting epically laid as soon as we get home. — Heidi Cullinan

Mrs. Samson is a bitch, Mom. — Heidi Cullinan

What if his advisor found out? Would getting caught having public sex do something to his teaching assistantship? Would he still be able to get a job? Would getting felt up in a laundromat inadvertently lead to him living on the streets, starving and exposed, selling his body for sex, which meant he would contract a disease and die? — Heidi Cullinan

After several minutes, Ed said, his voice raspy and spent, "You okay, Laur?"
Laurie, his bones melted, his muscles slack, his heart pounding like a happy caged beast against the wall of his chest, his backside throbbing and still half-full of Ed, let out his breath. With great effort, he nodded. — Heidi Cullinan

I can't live in the dorms and I can't stop people from calling me a freak, but I can always solve for X. — Heidi Cullinan

He gave himself to them completely, with no guilt, no shame, no reservation, and in that surrender he found a quiet, shining pearl he had never known existed - himself. He was Sam. He was Sunshine. He was Peaches. — Heidi Cullinan

You can't carry someone else's pain. They have to walk through it on their own. — Heidi Cullinan

I really am Super Emmet, and like the comic book Superman, I have a powerful secret weapon. My mom. — Heidi Cullinan

We're always our own villains in the end. Which makes them easy to defeat, once we're ready to admit we were the only ones in our own way. — Heidi Cullinan

Steve smiled, the rug not only pulled out from under him but rolled up and put away. — Heidi Cullinan

In the deserted men's restroom at the back of Middleton Community College, Sam Keller knelt on the tile, braced his hands against Keith Jameson's thighs, and broke his mother's heart. — Heidi Cullinan

Hush, Sophie. You're beautiful." It was, mostly, a quote from the movie, and it finished Elijah off. Shutting his eyes, he leaned into Baz's touch. "Don't eat my heart, Howl." "Never," Baz vowed, sealing the promise with a kiss. — Heidi Cullinan

I am normal. I belong. I have a friend who can kick ass from a wheelchair. I live independently and get good grades. I'm an excellent lover.
Like I said. I'm awesome. I'm Emmet David Washington. Train Man. The best autistic Blues Brother on the block. — Heidi Cullinan

Adam could imagine what he looked like: a debauched nerd. — Heidi Cullinan

We're dangerous because we know how to survive. — Heidi Cullinan

I should probably be noble and tell you I'll let you go if it's what you want, but I'm a spoiled, selfish brat. I'll follow you, beg you, bribe you to stay. Because you're the first one to make it to my island. I don't want to let you leave. — Heidi Cullinan

As he returned to the bed, he could see Vallant eyeing him warily, but he ignored this, sat on the opposite end and braced the pad on his knee.
You think after all that, I will leave? What sort of monster do you take me for? You think I could be that callous? No better than the piece of filth who used you, nor the soulless fiend who sold you?
He ripped off the page and handed it over, but he began a second note even before Vallant had taken the first from his hand.
Is this bastard still alive? I assume not, that Rodger had him strangled? He had to pause, forcing his grip on the pencil to lighten before he went on. I want his name, if he isn't already dispatched. I'm not without resources or influence. And I'm very difficult to prosecute. — Heidi Cullinan

You want sins, Aunt? I'll show you sinning. I'll make the devil weep, I'll sin so bad. — Heidi Cullinan

When life fucks you over, you don't slow down. You just keep going, keep moving, eyes peeled for the next opportunity, the next dance. Don't get bogged down in the endings or the parts where you know you're fucked even before you get there. Bluff, baby. Bluff until they all fold or until you start to believe it yourself. If you fail, get up and bluff again. — Heidi Cullinan

It was a full Spears album, apparently, and each song was as ridiculous as the one before. They were catchy, yes, but so was the plague. — Heidi Cullinan

The chairs and tables, decorated with runners of Italian silk, were Disney-movie themed, because Kelly ate, breathed and farted Disney. — Heidi Cullinan

I wish you'd stop writing people off before they have a chance to surprise you. — Heidi Cullinan

My anger and sadness was my ocean, and I couldn't carry it. Not anymore. No one could really love me. Not when they could love somebody else instead. — Heidi Cullinan

The song was "I See the Light", another Tangled number. Aaron sang the male part of the duet, and Walter's friend Rose did a less-than-Mina soprano, but mostly the music fell away in the brilliant presence of the two young men on the dance floor. — Heidi Cullinan

Ethan felt a tiny ripple of victory, like he'd scored a blow against a tornado. — Heidi Cullinan

He wasn't just leaving the valley, he was leaving with his brother. And his brother-in-law. And a card shark, a casino mogul and a gangster. And his boyfriend and his madman fresh from the attic. — Heidi Cullinan

You can't say that you need to burn witches and shun gay men but eat pork and wear all the mixed fibers you want!! — Heidi Cullinan

Endings are hard, but important. You have to have an end, so you can have another beginning. — Heidi Cullinan

That would probably kill me, so I knew he was exaggerating, but it made me feel soft inside. Nervous too, but soft. It's hard to explain. It was kind of like hope, but with jagged edges. — Heidi Cullinan

There was no way Baz was consciously mimicking the pose of the Howl's Moving Castle figurine, yet this was exactly what he was doing. Elijah's imagination completed the shadows into dark wings, but otherwise it was the same: shorter, hesitant Elijah standing before the taller, hunched, aching Baz, tentatively trying to capture his attention. — Heidi Cullinan

Sometimes," she said in her pretty, quiet voice, "being the one who has to work extra hard to come close to what is effortless for everyone else truly sucks. Is that what you were trying to say? — Heidi Cullinan

Sometimes I feel like everyone else is carrying a bucket of water but I'm trying to carry an ocean. its very hard. sometimes I would rather not carry my ocean, even if it meant I couldn't be alive. — Heidi Cullinan

That's my ocean. I have to pretend as best I can to be like people on the mean so people don't call me a robot. I'm not a robot. I'm real and I have feelings the same as everyone else. And I want a boyfriend. Except my ocean doesn't make me want to be dead. It makes me want to fight. I want you to fight too, Jeremey. I want us to carry our oceans together. — Heidi Cullinan

Sometimes the ones we love are like butterflies, flitting all over, and we have to sit and wait patiently for them to land. Sometimes they never do, and that's a risk we take. But sometimes what they need most is to see us sitting still, patient, waiting. To understand that we're going to be there no matter what, that we're the ones who are always sitting there waiting, loyal, loving. Sometimes that's more powerful than any words. — Heidi Cullinan

mesmerizing them with his secret librarian powers. — Heidi Cullinan

His eyes turned to something like horror - the kind of horror usually reserved for bad slasher movies. I may as well have been wearing a fucking hockey mask and wielding a giant machete. — Heidi Cullinan

There is no normal. There is not an invisible bar you must meet to be acceptable to society. — Heidi Cullinan

There is no normal, not really. Not a right and a wrong way to be. But there is belonging. That day in Bohemia with Jeremey and David and the girls, I belonged. I belonged as much as anybody on the mean. Maybe even a little bit more. — Heidi Cullinan

It's like Elwood Blues says: everybody needs somebody to love. I'm an everybody. I get a somebody. — Heidi Cullinan

Frankly, I'm awesome, and anybody who doesn't agree should get out of my way. — Heidi Cullinan

How the fuck did somebody come out as trans, anyway? It wasn't about who you flirted with on the dance floor or walked down the aisle with. It was about who you fucking were. It wasn't putting on drag. It was God putting it on you without your consent. — Heidi Cullinan

Ride, authors. Write a ride. Figure out what yours is, and then pimp the ever-living shit out of it. — Heidi Cullinan

No one is normal. Normal is a lie. — Heidi Cullinan

He was Elijah's Howl. — Heidi Cullinan

I was feeling like all that crazy sea inside me was settling into a calm. He had drawn it all out of the bottle I kept it in, but when I looked up at him like that, it settled, because if my wild insides were a sea, those gray eyes were the world's biggest fucking bowl, and they held me. Caught me and held me and bore me up. — Heidi Cullinan

He wanted to be loved and cherished, yes. But he also wanted to be fucked. — Heidi Cullinan

Because the wheel wasn't about you. The wheel wasn't about anyone. It was just a damn wheel. It was as Randy said - you had to get the best of it. You had to go and be your own wheel. — Heidi Cullinan

Think we ought to live happily ever after. - Howl in Howl's Moving Castle — Heidi Cullinan

Mom, stop. I have a boyfriend. Jeremey. Why do you think I've been hanging out with him so much? But I can't talk about that right now. He's upset. I have to fix it. — Heidi Cullinan

Oh, and he loves cats. Like, crazy stupid loves them." "I fucking hate cats." "I used to too. You won't for long. — Heidi Cullinan

For so long, I'd been hanging on to my virginity as if it was some kind of prize to be given away. It wasn't because I thought sex was a sin. It wasn't that I thought we had to be married. It was simply that I wanted it to matter. I wanted it to be with somebody who I thought was worth the risk of opening myself up. — Heidi Cullinan

Jesus, Steve hated cats. "They're so precious." Chenco crouched to love on the calico's belly. "I always wanted one, but my mom said no, and of course Cooper would have killed it for fun." Fuck, Steve was going to have to get a cat. — Heidi Cullinan

What's Mitch's better-than-love?" Randy snorted. "He and his slut-bunny husband are those disgusting nougat-center people who just flat out like being in love best. And fucking. Which, I gotta admit, is hot as all hell to watch. — Heidi Cullinan

People are good medicine, but they can't be your foundation of functionality. You must build that yourself. — Heidi Cullinan

How did I know? Paul, I've known since you were eight and I caught you masturbating in front of the TV to Bo and Luke Duke. — Heidi Cullinan

Virgins are a rare breed anywhere, but at your age, you're practically a unicorn. — Heidi Cullinan