Groucho Marx Quotes & Sayings

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. — Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — Groucho Marx

A man's only as old as the woman he feels. — Groucho Marx

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy — Groucho Marx

Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it. — Groucho Marx

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. — Groucho Marx

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them. — Groucho Marx

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest. — Groucho Marx

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses. — Groucho Marx

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. — Groucho Marx

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky. — Groucho Marx

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns — Groucho Marx

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team. — Groucho Marx

I hope they bury me near a strait man — Groucho Marx

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while — Groucho Marx

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made. — Groucho Marx

What have future generations ever done for us? — Groucho Marx

He thinks I look alike! — Groucho Marx

I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home.
Groucho Marx was never one to pass up an opportunity for a play on words and this occurs in his dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup: — Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. — Groucho Marx

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's. — Groucho Marx

Blood's not thicker than money. — Groucho Marx

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man. — Groucho Marx

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor. — Groucho Marx

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar. — Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. — Groucho Marx

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while — Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. — Groucho Marx

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces — Groucho Marx

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people. — Groucho Marx

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. — Groucho Marx

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. — Groucho Marx

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going. — Groucho Marx

I have nothing but respect for you
and not much of that. — Groucho Marx

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. — Groucho Marx

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh ... now you tell me what you know. — Groucho Marx

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid. — Groucho Marx

Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you. — Groucho Marx

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere. — Groucho Marx

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Woman: Really?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere. — Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. — Groucho Marx

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. — Groucho Marx

TV is the rat race of the century. — Groucho Marx

If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man. — Groucho Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again. — Groucho Marx

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say. — Groucho Marx

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me — Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. — Groucho Marx

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling. — Groucho Marx

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight ... — Groucho Marx

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder. — Groucho Marx

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed. — Groucho Marx

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face — Groucho Marx

Goodreads is where introverts unite. — Groucho Marx

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face. — Groucho Marx

Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks. — Groucho Marx

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way — Groucho Marx

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only,
when the hostess has only twelve chops. — Groucho Marx

He [Groucho's father] had absolutely no training, and if you had ever seen one of his suits, you'd realize what an accurate statement that is. You see, Pop never used a tape measure. He didn't believe in it. He said he could just look at a man and tell hi. — Groucho Marx

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world. — Groucho Marx

That's bad luck: three on a midget. From At The Circus — Groucho Marx

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. — Groucho Marx

My mother loved children
she would have given anything if I had been one. — Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. — Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room.
[A Night at the Opera] — Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. — Groucho Marx

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket. — Groucho Marx

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead. — Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever, or die trying. — Groucho Marx

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. — Groucho Marx

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill. — Groucho Marx

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book. — Groucho Marx

Hello, I must be going. — Groucho Marx

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member. — Groucho Marx

Budget: a way of going broke methodically — Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. — Groucho Marx

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself. — Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does — Groucho Marx

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. — Groucho Marx

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week. — Groucho Marx

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing. — Groucho Marx

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills — Groucho Marx

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. — Groucho Marx

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party. — Groucho Marx

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. — Groucho Marx

Wages? You want to be wage slaves? Answer me that! Of course not. What is it that makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Strike off your chains! Strike up the band! Strike three you're out! Remember, there's nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, now and forever. One and individual. One for all and all for me, and tea for two and six for a quarter ... — Groucho Marx

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you. — Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? — Groucho Marx

A very interesting theory makes no sense at all. — Groucho Marx

If you were a man, you'd go into business
for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a
canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if
that's your idea of a good time. — Groucho Marx

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor. — Groucho Marx

Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?"
"Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers! — Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. — Groucho Marx

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written. — Groucho Marx

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind. — Groucho Marx

To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx. — Groucho Marx

If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you! — Groucho Marx

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers. — Groucho Marx

It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa — Groucho Marx

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach. — Groucho Marx