Famous Quotes & Sayings

Greg Behrendt Quotes & Sayings

Enjoy the top 100 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Greg Behrendt.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Share on Google+ Pinterest Share on Linkedin

Famous Quotes By Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1010714

Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 537350

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 119437

He doesn't have to love your CD collection. He doesn't have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they're great. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 2053011

I don't know" means "NO!"
"I don't know" means "I'm too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can't deal with confrontation."
"I don't know" means please do the dirty work for me because I don't want to hurt your feelings even more then I already have. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1951915

Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1388471

If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you. Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do. If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs. "Busy" is another word for "asshole." "Asshole" is another word for the guy you're dating. You deserve a fcking phone call. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 668970

Good enough to tweet, not to say. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1124853

Better than nothing is not good enough for you! — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1472605

Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 2013601

You are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with, and certainly not by what you gave up to be with that person. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 101751

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1175124

Sometimes we become attached to what's familiar, and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable, even if they are bad for us. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 576263

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 279889

She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1762811

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 209171

Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you? — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1058650

Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1395054

Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1055446

When we're picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1394141

A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 820945

You already have one asshole, you don't need another one — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1165618

Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 569787

Let's start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. What other choice is there? — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 459371

Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I've gotten older. But now I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 168798

Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you're lucky to be rid of. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1406263

If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won't keep you guessing,
because he'll want to make sure you don't get frustrated and go away. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 2257061

We were raised to pursue women ... Most of the guys I know enjoy the pursuit. But that doesn't mean women should be wallflowers. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1607118

I went to stand-up when my rock n' roll dreams weren't coming true. I knew it wasn't going to happen when I was in a New Wave band in 1992 - at the height of grunge. Then I heard No Doubt's 'Spiderwebs' and I said, 'Well, we're done.' They did - and succeeded at - what we were trying to do. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 298119

You are not easily forgotten. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1748578

I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1745900

But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1735271

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1723160

The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion! — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1690084

If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater ... I'd be just fine. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1669546

Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1625248

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1619785

Feeling in love (or lust) and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1804171

I don't know if you know you're funny, but you enjoy being funny. I know I'm funny because people tell me I am, but when I watch myself, it doesn't make me laugh. Does that make sense? Because I know the jokes, and to me, I feel like I'm pulling the wool over people's eyes. And there are probably people who do not enjoy what I do. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1573657

Is he making you happy? I don't mean some of the time, on rare occasions, not that often, "but the good still outweighs the bad." Does he make it clear in his actions every day that your happiness is important to him? — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1562032

Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1513928

Most authors writing books like 'He's Just Not That Into You' dream of doing what I was being asked to do. I didn't like it. I'm good at giving advice, but doing it on TV and radio felt wrong, and when people resisted my point of view, I was like, 'Why am I doing this? This was not the plan.' So I stopped. It didn't make me feel good. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1505545

I've learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 315371

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1421434

The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 372803

Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: They don't break up with you. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1400773

I believe in love the verb, not the noun. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 222143

I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 192872

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 2251197

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 2235635

If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 2204856

Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don't every time — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 2175576

You can't fix people or make them change; the only thing you can do is pack your shit and leave if it isn't working for you. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 2118334

But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you'll never see when you're with a guy who's really into you: You'll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You'll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you're calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You'll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn't have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You'll be too busy being adored. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 2067764

Don't waste the pretty — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 2054928

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 387668

If he was so great, you'd still be together. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 2024629

He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 260461

Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would ... — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1985586

He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1981678

So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1965123

I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 291806

People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1865715

The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1847091

If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 885347

When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you'd like them to be. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1093450

Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 517145

Always be classy. Never be crazy. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 576056

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1051525

You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don't need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 589462

I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 997055

Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 932661

Alone also means available for someone outstanding. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 904448

I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1097741

If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 881627

There's nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you're busy or just want to flirt, but it's hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 855785

There will never be a good time, financially, to get married, unless you're Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you, it's your relationship that's insecure, not his bank account. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 617611

This life is yours and no one else's, and if you spend your time looking at other people's pages, you'll never get anything done. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 798123

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 740698

A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 714870

Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 669317

The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 654586

I don't have a massive fan base. I don't have Patton Oswalt numbers, but the fan base I have is incredibly generous, and of the 22,000 people who follow me on Twitter, I think almost all of those people participate. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1284717

Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people ... Because they'll let you down. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 392292

Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you? — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 401671

I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1359462

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe ... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is ... just ... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1351470

Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1345384

We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, "You're not the
one." We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1325257

Being a winner in life means finding a way to keep yourself in the personal space where you're being the best and most vibrant you instead of the smallest you. That is the secret to success in anything you want to do in life. That means not comparing yourself to anyone else and concentrating on you. Because when your self-esteem is in the shitter and you don't feel worthy, you look to others for validation, you settle for crappy things and all you get is crappy things and who wants that? — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1319519

I was always funny, but I wasn't a great musician, and I wanted to be a musician way more than I wanted to be a comic. I just didn't think comedians were cool when I was a kid. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1303870

I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 655716

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!' — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1198280

Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1185157

How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'? — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 428063

My buddy Tom ... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1174628

Uncool is a cool resting place. The pressure's off me. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1174241

The great thing about comedy is that the longer you've been alive, the more you have to talk about and the better you get. I've got some miles and some road savviness that some other guys don't have. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 432223

I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person - you are a different person. It's superficial change that can lead to real change. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 1153074

There was no closure to be had, just jail time in my head. What's he doing? What's he thinking? Does he still love me? Does he love her more? Is he thinking that he made a mistake? It doesn't matter, because the cold hard truth was that he didn't love me enough to want to be with me. It took me a while, but I ultimately realized that I had to physically separate myself from all the things that were keeping me stuck inside my obsessive mind. — Greg Behrendt

Greg Behrendt Quotes 475927

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right. — Greg Behrendt