Greg Behrendt Quotes & Sayings
Enjoy the top 100 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Greg Behrendt.
Famous Quotes By Greg Behrendt
Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep. — Greg Behrendt
I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake. — Greg Behrendt
He doesn't have to love your CD collection. He doesn't have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they're great. — Greg Behrendt
I don't know" means "NO!"
"I don't know" means "I'm too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can't deal with confrontation."
"I don't know" means please do the dirty work for me because I don't want to hurt your feelings even more then I already have. — Greg Behrendt
If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you. Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do. If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs. "Busy" is another word for "asshole." "Asshole" is another word for the guy you're dating. You deserve a fcking phone call. — Greg Behrendt
Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. — Greg Behrendt
You are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with, and certainly not by what you gave up to be with that person. — Greg Behrendt
Sometimes we become attached to what's familiar, and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable, even if they are bad for us. — Greg Behrendt
Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you. — Greg Behrendt
She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus. — Greg Behrendt
Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust. — Greg Behrendt
Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you? — Greg Behrendt
When we're picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do. — Greg Behrendt
A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you. — Greg Behrendt
Let's start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. What other choice is there? — Greg Behrendt
Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I've gotten older. But now I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. — Greg Behrendt
Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you're lucky to be rid of. — Greg Behrendt
If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won't keep you guessing,
because he'll want to make sure you don't get frustrated and go away. — Greg Behrendt
We were raised to pursue women ... Most of the guys I know enjoy the pursuit. But that doesn't mean women should be wallflowers. — Greg Behrendt
I went to stand-up when my rock n' roll dreams weren't coming true. I knew it wasn't going to happen when I was in a New Wave band in 1992 - at the height of grunge. Then I heard No Doubt's 'Spiderwebs' and I said, 'Well, we're done.' They did - and succeeded at - what we were trying to do. — Greg Behrendt
You are not easily forgotten. — Greg Behrendt
I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter. — Greg Behrendt
But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation — Greg Behrendt
Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with — Greg Behrendt
The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion! — Greg Behrendt
If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater ... I'd be just fine. — Greg Behrendt
Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all. — Greg Behrendt
Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you. — Greg Behrendt
Feeling in love (or lust) and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear. — Greg Behrendt
I don't know if you know you're funny, but you enjoy being funny. I know I'm funny because people tell me I am, but when I watch myself, it doesn't make me laugh. Does that make sense? Because I know the jokes, and to me, I feel like I'm pulling the wool over people's eyes. And there are probably people who do not enjoy what I do. — Greg Behrendt
Is he making you happy? I don't mean some of the time, on rare occasions, not that often, "but the good still outweighs the bad." Does he make it clear in his actions every day that your happiness is important to him? — Greg Behrendt
Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk. — Greg Behrendt
Most authors writing books like 'He's Just Not That Into You' dream of doing what I was being asked to do. I didn't like it. I'm good at giving advice, but doing it on TV and radio felt wrong, and when people resisted my point of view, I was like, 'Why am I doing this? This was not the plan.' So I stopped. It didn't make me feel good. — Greg Behrendt
I've learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work. — Greg Behrendt
I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships. — Greg Behrendt
The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want. — Greg Behrendt
Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: They don't break up with you. — Greg Behrendt
I believe in love the verb, not the noun. — Greg Behrendt
I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs. — Greg Behrendt
Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh. — Greg Behrendt
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play. — Greg Behrendt
If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further. — Greg Behrendt
Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don't every time — Greg Behrendt
You can't fix people or make them change; the only thing you can do is pack your shit and leave if it isn't working for you. — Greg Behrendt
But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you'll never see when you're with a guy who's really into you: You'll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You'll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you're calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You'll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn't have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You'll be too busy being adored. — Greg Behrendt
Don't waste the pretty — Greg Behrendt
Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities. — Greg Behrendt
If he was so great, you'd still be together. — Greg Behrendt
He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out. — Greg Behrendt
Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would ... — Greg Behrendt
He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired. — Greg Behrendt
So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates. — Greg Behrendt
I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book. — Greg Behrendt
People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love. — Greg Behrendt
The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. — Greg Behrendt
If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes. — Greg Behrendt
When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you'd like them to be. — Greg Behrendt
Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating. — Greg Behrendt
Always be classy. Never be crazy. — Greg Behrendt
There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show. — Greg Behrendt
You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don't need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith. — Greg Behrendt
I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it. — Greg Behrendt
Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. — Greg Behrendt
Alone also means available for someone outstanding. — Greg Behrendt
I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show. — Greg Behrendt
If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat. — Greg Behrendt
There's nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you're busy or just want to flirt, but it's hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree. — Greg Behrendt
There will never be a good time, financially, to get married, unless you're Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you, it's your relationship that's insecure, not his bank account. — Greg Behrendt
This life is yours and no one else's, and if you spend your time looking at other people's pages, you'll never get anything done. — Greg Behrendt
I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you. — Greg Behrendt
A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it. — Greg Behrendt
Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse. — Greg Behrendt
The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric. — Greg Behrendt
I don't have a massive fan base. I don't have Patton Oswalt numbers, but the fan base I have is incredibly generous, and of the 22,000 people who follow me on Twitter, I think almost all of those people participate. — Greg Behrendt
Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people ... Because they'll let you down. — Greg Behrendt
Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you? — Greg Behrendt
I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships. — Greg Behrendt
Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe ... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is ... just ... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. — Greg Behrendt
Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing. — Greg Behrendt
We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, "You're not the
one." We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us. — Greg Behrendt
Being a winner in life means finding a way to keep yourself in the personal space where you're being the best and most vibrant you instead of the smallest you. That is the secret to success in anything you want to do in life. That means not comparing yourself to anyone else and concentrating on you. Because when your self-esteem is in the shitter and you don't feel worthy, you look to others for validation, you settle for crappy things and all you get is crappy things and who wants that? — Greg Behrendt
I was always funny, but I wasn't a great musician, and I wanted to be a musician way more than I wanted to be a comic. I just didn't think comedians were cool when I was a kid. — Greg Behrendt
I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly. — Greg Behrendt
I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!' — Greg Behrendt
Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex. — Greg Behrendt
How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'? — Greg Behrendt
My buddy Tom ... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening. — Greg Behrendt
Uncool is a cool resting place. The pressure's off me. — Greg Behrendt
The great thing about comedy is that the longer you've been alive, the more you have to talk about and the better you get. I've got some miles and some road savviness that some other guys don't have. — Greg Behrendt
I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person - you are a different person. It's superficial change that can lead to real change. — Greg Behrendt
There was no closure to be had, just jail time in my head. What's he doing? What's he thinking? Does he still love me? Does he love her more? Is he thinking that he made a mistake? It doesn't matter, because the cold hard truth was that he didn't love me enough to want to be with me. It took me a while, but I ultimately realized that I had to physically separate myself from all the things that were keeping me stuck inside my obsessive mind. — Greg Behrendt
I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right. — Greg Behrendt