Graham Chapman Quotes & Sayings
Enjoy the top 64 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Graham Chapman.
Famous Quotes By Graham Chapman
You been shopping? no i been shopping. well what'd you buy? i bought a piston engine. well how you going to cook it? you don't cook it it's a piston engine! well your not going to eat it raw are you? oh, i never thought of that ... — Graham Chapman
Health care does not worry me a great deal. I've been impressed by some wonderful old people. — Graham Chapman
John Howard Davies was not a very human person ... if you made a mistake of any kind, any sort of pause in speech, he would treat you rather as if he was a schoolmaster. — Graham Chapman
First you must find ... another shrubbery! Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle. ("A path! A path!") Then, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forrest ... with ... a herring! — Graham Chapman
You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives. — Graham Chapman
In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again. — Graham Chapman
Your Life our your lupines!"
Dennis Moore — Graham Chapman
Dressing up as decrepit old ladies, and even decrepit young ladies, was one of our staples. — Graham Chapman
When Beethoven went deaf, the mynah bird just used to mime. — Graham Chapman
You know, Python should have won a Grammy for our musical work on the show. — Graham Chapman
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best ...
And ... always look on the bright side of life ...
Always look on the light side of life. — Graham Chapman
McGough: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've caught poetry.
Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don't worry, sir - I used to suffer from short stories.
McGough: Really? When?
Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time ... — Graham Chapman
If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten. — Graham Chapman
You see, I don't belive that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, that has been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians. — Graham Chapman
Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark — Graham Chapman
Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Beldevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.
Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway! — Graham Chapman
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth. — Graham Chapman
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean? — Graham Chapman
Apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and public health ... what have the Romans ever done for us?
Brought peace! — Graham Chapman
...A secure future seemed mapped out for me. Too secure, too mapped out. If I carried on in medicine, I realized I'd have a pretty good idea exactly what I'd be doing ten, twenty and even thirty years from that moment. It struck me like a halibut from the North Sea that that was not the way my life should go at all. What was the point of working on through the age of sixty-five and taking a chance on a better reincarnation next time? — Graham Chapman
It's nice to see that look of alarm on the faces of the others. — Graham Chapman
At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before ... — Graham Chapman
We come from nothing, we are going back to nothing-In the end what have we lost? Nothing! — Graham Chapman
NI!
Oh no! Not ni! — Graham Chapman
World War II ... did not happen to everyone, but it happened to most. There were people from Germany who were throwing bombs at us. — Graham Chapman
All ideas come about through some sort of observation. It sparks an attitude; some object or emotion causes a reaction in the other person. — Graham Chapman
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? — Graham Chapman
I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away! — Graham Chapman
We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing! — Graham Chapman
What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? — Graham Chapman
Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply. — Graham Chapman
Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon. — Graham Chapman
I am known by many names, but you may call me...Tim. — Graham Chapman
Father Pierre, why did you stay on in this colonial Campari-land, where the clink of glasses mingles with the murmur of a million mosquitoes, where waterfalls and whiskey wash away the worries of a world-weary whicker, where gin and tonics jingle in a gyroscopic jubilee of something beginning with J? — Graham Chapman
Oh Lord please don't burn us don't kill or toast your flock. Don't put us on the barbecue or simmer us in stock. Don't bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a wok. — Graham Chapman
My philosophy, like color television, is all there in black and white. — Graham Chapman
A murderer is only an extroverted suicide. — Graham Chapman
There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount. — Graham Chapman
Tis but a scratch!"
"A scratch? Your arm's off!"
"No it isn't."
"Then what's that?"
"Oh come on, pansy! — Graham Chapman
It's just a flesh wound! — Graham Chapman
Camelot is a silly place. — Graham Chapman
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise, fear and surprise; two chief weapons, fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency! Er, among our chief weapons are: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to the Pope! Um, I'll come in again ... — Graham Chapman
WHAT is your name? WHAT is your quest? and WHAT is your favorite color? — Graham Chapman
Michael Palin : "I am sorry to interrupt you there Dennis, but he's crossed it out. Thomas Hardy here on the first day of his new novel has crossed out the only word he has written so far and he is gazing off into space. Ohh! Oh dear he's signed his name again."
Graham Chapman: "It looks like Tess of the D'Urbervilles all over again."
- Matching Tie and Handkerchief, "Novel Writing — Graham Chapman
I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats. — Graham Chapman
Matter is energy. In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this soul does not exist ab initio, as orthodox Christianity teaches. It has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved, owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia. — Graham Chapman
We don't deliberately set out to offend. Unless we feel it's justified. — Graham Chapman
An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition ... A contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
No, it's not ... — Graham Chapman
Oh, you're in television! That's interesting. No, I mean, the word television is interesting. It's a hybrid, you see: tele- comes from the greek, and -vision comes from the latin. It should have been either "telerama", or "procolvision". — Graham Chapman
I fart in your general direction. — Graham Chapman
We found that we didn't have much problem with him [J.C.], it was his followers we found questionable. — Graham Chapman
One thing for sure - a sheep is not a creature of the air. — Graham Chapman
Death can really absorb a person. Lik most people, I would find it pleasant not to have to go, but you just accept that it's more or less inevitable. — Graham Chapman
Bring out... The Comfy Chair!!!! — Graham Chapman
By the power bestowed in me by the Ministry of Silly Underpants ... — Graham Chapman
I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. — Graham Chapman
Dennis the Peasant: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! — Graham Chapman
I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. — Graham Chapman
Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
You're the Doctor of my dreams
With your crinkly hair and your glassy stare
And your Machiavellian schemes
I know they say that you are very vain
And short and fat and pushy
But at least you're not insane
Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
And wishing you were here
Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
You're so chubby and so neat
With your funny clothes and your squishy nose
You're like a German parakeet
All right so people say that you don't care
But you've got nicer legs than Hitler
And bigger tits than Cher
Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
And wishing you were here — Graham Chapman