George Carlin Quotes & Sayings

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. — George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. — George Carlin

More people write poetry than read it. — George Carlin

I don't see much of a future for this planet. I think it's a cursed planet. The boundaries we've drawn between nations and the profit motive - those two factors have, in my opinion, brought us to the point where almost nothing can stop the utter destruction of the environment and all our earthly life-support systems. — George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. — George Carlin

Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It's nature's supreme joke.
Deep in the womb, men start out as the good thing, and wind up as the crappy thing. Not all men. Just enough. Just enough to fuck things up. — George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. — George Carlin

I love individuals. I think people are terrific as I meet and get to know them. I like imagination. I like the freedom that this society manages to parcel out to us in the midst of the rest of what they do to you. I also like thinking about the fact that the atoms in me are the same atoms that are in all the rest of the universe, and that every one of those atoms came from the middle of a star. In other words, it's only me out there. — George Carlin

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch. — George Carlin

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? — George Carlin

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself. — George Carlin

It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business. — George Carlin

My history of moving away from drugs is not the kind you hear from most people. Certainly not from celebrities, especially those professionally recovering people. What I've noticed in my overuse of cocaine is the period of pleasure versus the period of pain. That is to say that when you first get high on anything, the pleasure is predominant and you don't pay much price. A little hangover or whatever it might be with another drug. But after a while the ratio begins to change, and there' s far more pain in the deal than pleasure. It just completely goes in another direction. — George Carlin

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best. — George Carlin

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter. — George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? — George Carlin

There is a core of loneliness. It's partly existential. Secondly, I was raised a loner. My parents were not there. My father was asked to leave because he couldn't metabolize ethanol. Actually, my mother ran away with us when I was 2 months old and my brother was 5. Real dramatic stuff: down the fire escape, through backyards. So, I sort of raised myself. I was alone a lot and I invented myself - I lived through the radio and through my imagination. — George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work. — George Carlin

Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life. — George Carlin

Grass [marijuana] probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way. — George Carlin

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. — George Carlin

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed. — George Carlin

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't. — George Carlin

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know. — George Carlin

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across. — George Carlin

No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. — George Carlin

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can't interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It's frustrating and it's time-consuming. God bless phone calls. — George Carlin

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? — George Carlin

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them. — George Carlin

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. — George Carlin

People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin. — George Carlin

Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods. — George Carlin

And if they tell you you're not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant. — George Carlin

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today. — George Carlin

I set out to become a comedian, and I said in order to do that the first thing I'll do is become a disc jockey and know my pop music. I like it, my voice is good, and I can start out getting confidence without an audience in front of me. — George Carlin

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. — George Carlin

No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open. — George Carlin

The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. — George Carlin

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations. — George Carlin

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious. — George Carlin

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. — George Carlin

They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked! — George Carlin

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. — George Carlin

Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations that've long since bought and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pocket, and they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and the information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I'll tell you what they don't want. They don't want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don't want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They're not interested in that. That doesn't help them. — George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. — George Carlin

I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it. — George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. — George Carlin

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable? — George Carlin

Suddenly, I was thirty, very unhappy entertaining people in their forties, and here came a group of people in their teens and twenties who had similar anti-authority problems and similar dreams and wishes, hopes for mankind. So I gravitated toward them. — George Carlin

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show. — George Carlin

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another — George Carlin

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. — George Carlin

I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else. — George Carlin

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power. — George Carlin

Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill ... it's a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer. — George Carlin

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin

California: bordering always on the Pacific and sometimes on the ridiculous. So, why do I live here? Because the sun goes down a block from my house. — George Carlin

It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater. — George Carlin

I don't understand this notion of ethnic pride. "Proud to be Irish," "Puerto Rican pride," "Black pride." It seems to me that pride should be reserved for accomplishments; things you attain or achieve, not things that happen to you by chance. Being Irish isn't a skill; it's genetic. You wouldn't say, "I'm proud to have brown hair," or "I'm proud to be short and stocky." So why the fuck should you say you're proud to be Irish? I'm Irish, but I'm not particularly proud of it. Just glad! Goddamn glad to be Irish! — George Carlin

I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That's my advice. I'm here to help. — George Carlin

I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people. — George Carlin

E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm. — George Carlin

I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try. — George Carlin

That's really a part of my nature , it goes along with autonomy and independence of action - it's just that I don't identify with the local group, no matter what it is, whether it's the human species or the American democracy, the nation, the country, religions, political parties, nothing. None of these have my allegiance because I'm not really concerned with what they do. I don't feel a part of any of this. — George Carlin

Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive. — George Carlin

The important thing is to, first of all, question everything you read or hear or see or are told. Question it, and try to see the world for what it actually is, as opposed to what someone or some company or some organization or some government is trying to represent it as, or present it as, however they've mislabeled it or dressed it up or told you. — George Carlin

Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone? — George Carlin

I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep. — George Carlin

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf."" — George Carlin

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me! — George Carlin

Religion is just mind control. — George Carlin

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path. — George Carlin

I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject. — George Carlin

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good. — George Carlin

I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis. — George Carlin

Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work. — George Carlin

When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks. — George Carlin

When it comes to BULLSHIT ... BIG-TIME, MAJOR LEAGUE BULLSHIT ... you have to stand IN AWE, IN AWE of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. — George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. — George Carlin

The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything. — George Carlin

I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization. — George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. — George Carlin

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me. — George Carlin

People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America. — George Carlin

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. — George Carlin

I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. — George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose ... it'll be much harder to detect. — George Carlin

You can prick your finger ... Just don't finger your prick. — George Carlin

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase. — George Carlin

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that." — George Carlin

Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids today", all those old-fashioned themes - or, if it's deeper, and somewhat more thoughtful, about social imbalance and inequities, and the folly of human behavior. It's usually a complaint. — George Carlin

A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed. — George Carlin

That's basically what the drive is: "I want to be famous, I want to be noticed, and I want to be approved of." That's basically what you're after. "Give me attention, give me applause, give me an audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's all you're looking for. — George Carlin

I'm in shape. Round is a shape. — George Carlin

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind. — George Carlin

Tits always look better in a pink sweater. — George Carlin

Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. — George Carlin

The status quo sucks. — George Carlin

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now. — George Carlin

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it. — George Carlin