Frankie Boyle Quotes & Sayings

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman! — Frankie Boyle

That said, I don't really understand the point of the royal princes joining the army. Why send a couple of pampered party boys like Harry or William in to fight? In a war you need a ruthless, merciless killing machine, someone like Andy McNab, or Prince Philip. Prince Philip is the perfect soldier: he likes shooting things and he's a racist. He'd kill his own daughter-in-law if he thought he could get away with it. — Frankie Boyle

Our political culture is now so debased that we regularly hear 'do gooders' getting the blame for things. Enviromentalists trying to stop a coal-burning power plant or a new runway that will (let's just remember) DESTROY THE EARTH are branded as our enemies, these 'do gooders'. Like doing good is a bad thing. You read all the time in the press that 'do gooders' are to blame - a sweepingly derogatory term. Or even worse, the 'so-called do gooders'. I've never once read that the blame was being put fairly and squarely on 'cunts', and let's face it 'cunts' must be behind fucking things up far more things than 'do gooders'. If it's not 'cunts' then I blame those 'so-called cunts'. — Frankie Boyle

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long. — Frankie Boyle

If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto. — Frankie Boyle

People who ask you if you've ever seen a ghost are always people who believe in ghosts. They're limbering up to tell their own ghost story. These are always remarkably tedious efforts about feeling as if someone had brushed past them but nobody being there. I always think that if you're lying anyway you should at least make it interesting. — Frankie Boyle

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'? — Frankie Boyle

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money. — Frankie Boyle

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist. — Frankie Boyle

It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive. — Frankie Boyle

I don't read newspapers anymore - I just lie to myself and cut out the middleman. — Frankie Boyle

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside. — Frankie Boyle

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think ... is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to? — Frankie Boyle

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad. — Frankie Boyle

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer. — Frankie Boyle

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy. — Frankie Boyle

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up. — Frankie Boyle

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine. — Frankie Boyle

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day. — Frankie Boyle

Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges. — Frankie Boyle

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff. — Frankie Boyle

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire. — Frankie Boyle

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves. — Frankie Boyle

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English. — Frankie Boyle

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke. — Frankie Boyle

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die. — Frankie Boyle

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out. — Frankie Boyle

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up! — Frankie Boyle

We don't live in a shared reality, we each live in a reality of our own, and causing upset is often the price of trying to reach each other. It's always easier to dismiss other people than to go through the awkward and time consuming process of understanding them. We have given 'taking offense' a social status it doesn't deserve: it's not much more than a way of avoiding difficult conversations. — Frankie Boyle

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher) — Frankie Boyle

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine. — Frankie Boyle

The Lib Dems found it very hard to decide whether they were Labour or Tory supporters, mostly because they're Lib Dem supporters. I mean had most of them agreed with one of the major parties they would probably have applied to join those parties instead of standing at the back of town halls looking disappointed. — Frankie Boyle

People say nothing can solve the Middle East problem. Not mediation, not arms, not financial aid. I say there is Something. Atheism. Suddenly everyone would be looking at each other thinking, 'What the fuck were we doing? That was insane! Why are we all wearing these ridiculous hats? Were we drunk? — Frankie Boyle

I feel sorry for Obama because he's still got to fight the innate racism of Americans. I mean, did you see his first speech, when he got made President and they put all that bullet proof glass in front of him? I think that shows you how racist America still is. Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody. — Frankie Boyle

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid. — Frankie Boyle

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist! — Frankie Boyle

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol. — Frankie Boyle

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day ... Chlamydia. — Frankie Boyle

I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records. — Frankie Boyle

I think it's my memory of this period that makes me fantasise about living in the country. In reality I know there would be no shops and I would kill myself. — Frankie Boyle

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right. — Frankie Boyle

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"? — Frankie Boyle

The debate is whether the war is legal. It has brought pain, misery and desperation to hundreds of thousands of people. Does that sound legal to you? To me it sounds like the dictionary definition of the legal profession. — Frankie Boyle

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem! — Frankie Boyle

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11. — Frankie Boyle

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods. — Frankie Boyle

Immediately after his re-election [Cameron] announced: "For too long we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens so long as you obey the law we will leave you alone." A statement so far to the right that it conceded the political centre ground to Judge Dredd. — Frankie Boyle

The thing I don't get about paedophilia ... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy? — Frankie Boyle

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory ... He's a spastic. — Frankie Boyle

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk. — Frankie Boyle

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them! — Frankie Boyle

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome? — Frankie Boyle

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive. — Frankie Boyle

There are fears that Britain could be facing a double-dip recession, or worse still, a double-dip with misery sprinkles and fuck-where's-my-job-sauce. — Frankie Boyle

My uncle would have about ten pints some nights and then drive us all home. I guess the feeling was that we weren't going to crash into anyone, because barely any fucker lived there. — Frankie Boyle

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack. — Frankie Boyle

I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen? — Frankie Boyle

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags. — Frankie Boyle

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher. — Frankie Boyle

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'. — Frankie Boyle

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose. — Frankie Boyle

Congratulations your 18! ... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill. — Frankie Boyle

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota. — Frankie Boyle

There is a force that conspires against you. It's called capitalism. It's closing your libraries so you can focus on your conspiracy shit. — Frankie Boyle

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch. — Frankie Boyle

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall. — Frankie Boyle

I would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying 'my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!' So what? My dad will shag your dad..and your dad will enjoy it. — Frankie Boyle

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor. — Frankie Boyle

I think life is a lot different for alternative kids nowadays. Texting and the internet mean that being a Goth or something means you're part of a big social scene, it's an inclusive thing. Back then, we all just went our different ways in the afterglow,wishing each other all the best with the next ten years of bullying. — Frankie Boyle

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years. — Frankie Boyle

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two. — Frankie Boyle

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin. — Frankie Boyle

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer. — Frankie Boyle