Frank Carson Quotes & Sayings

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard." — Frank Carson

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour. — Frank Carson

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid. — Frank Carson

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?" — Frank Carson

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror." — Frank Carson

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens. — Frank Carson

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'. — Frank Carson

The thirties were troublesome in Belfast, and then of course there was no work for people, and it was terribly religiously divided. — Frank Carson

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was. — Frank Carson

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick. — Frank Carson

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg." — Frank Carson

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed. — Frank Carson

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much." — Frank Carson

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer. — Frank Carson

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap. — Frank Carson

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle." — Frank Carson

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon. — Frank Carson

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it! — Frank Carson

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man. — Frank Carson

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife." — Frank Carson

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million. — Frank Carson

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was. — Frank Carson

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people. — Frank Carson

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!" — Frank Carson

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me. — Frank Carson

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list? — Frank Carson

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish. — Frank Carson

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine? — Frank Carson

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen." — Frank Carson

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?" — Frank Carson

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag. — Frank Carson

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages." — Frank Carson

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday." — Frank Carson

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again." — Frank Carson

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p. — Frank Carson

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here." — Frank Carson

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.' — Frank Carson

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish. — Frank Carson

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. — Frank Carson

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?" — Frank Carson

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance. — Frank Carson

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous. — Frank Carson

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches. — Frank Carson