Erma Bombeck Quotes & Sayings

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. — Erma Bombeck

We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.) — Erma Bombeck

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? — Erma Bombeck

There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, 'How good or how bad am I?' That's where courage comes in. — Erma Bombeck

Grandmas can shed the yoke of responsibility, relax and enjoy their grandchildren in a way that was not possible when they were raising their own children. And they can glow in the realisation that here is their seed of life that will harvest generations to come. — Erma Bombeck

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. — Erma Bombeck

When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies. — Erma Bombeck

It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football. — Erma Bombeck

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. — Erma Bombeck

I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble. — Erma Bombeck

I brought children into this lousy, mixed-up world because when you love someone and they love you back, the world doesn't look that lousy or seem that mixed up. — Erma Bombeck

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. — Erma Bombeck

Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except his wife, mother, and dog. If someone wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, he would refuse until he had been formally introduced. — Erma Bombeck

Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one. — Erma Bombeck

I originate from a family where sauce is viewed as a refreshment. — Erma Bombeck

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. — Erma Bombeck

Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable. — Erma Bombeck

A child needs your love the most when he deserves it least. — Erma Bombeck

If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? — Erma Bombeck

He opened the jar of pickles when no one else could. He was the only one in the house who wasn't afraid to go into the basement by himself. He cut himself shaving, but no one kissed it or got excited about it. It was understood when it rained, he got the car and brought it around to the door. When anyone was sick, he went out to get the prescription filled. He took lots of pictures ... but he was never in them. — Erma Bombeck

You always hear about fashion's success stories. How a starlet lost an earring one night and by the next morning, the entire country was wearing one earring. Or how sweaters made a comeback in a drugstore, or a First Lady influenced how we dressed during her reign. But what about the losers? The fashions that came and went out the same day? The hopes and dreams of designers that were shattered by the sound of fifty million women ... laughing themselves to death. — Erma Bombeck

A fitting room to me has always been like a confessional ... where my body and my contrition take up the entire room. — Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. — Erma Bombeck

Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can. — Erma Bombeck

Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not. — Erma Bombeck

Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles. — Erma Bombeck

I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode. — Erma Bombeck

I love my mother for all the times she said absolutely nothing ... Thinking back on it all, it must have been the most difficult part of mothering she ever had to do: knowing the outcome, yet feeling she had no right to keep me from charting my own path. I thank her for all her virtues, but mostly for never once having said, I told you so. — Erma Bombeck

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield. — Erma Bombeck

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive. — Erma Bombeck

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night ... — Erma Bombeck

She's as funny as a toothache — Erma Bombeck

Given another shot at life, I would seize every minute ... look at it and really see it ... live it ... and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. — Erma Bombeck

Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?' — Erma Bombeck

The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child. — Erma Bombeck

Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating? — Erma Bombeck

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys. — Erma Bombeck

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change? — Erma Bombeck

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal. — Erma Bombeck

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns. — Erma Bombeck

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. — Erma Bombeck

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' — Erma Bombeck

I lost everything in the post-natal depression. — Erma Bombeck

The term 'working mother' is redundant. — Erma Bombeck

I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer. — Erma Bombeck

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate. — Erma Bombeck

Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff. — Erma Bombeck

Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don't necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I'd be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can't have everything. — Erma Bombeck

I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there. — Erma Bombeck

Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children. — Erma Bombeck

I've exercised with women so thin, buzzards followed them to their cars. — Erma Bombeck

Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna. — Erma Bombeck

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar. — Erma Bombeck

Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each. — Erma Bombeck

I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell. — Erma Bombeck

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them. — Erma Bombeck

It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style. — Erma Bombeck

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven. — Erma Bombeck

When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem. — Erma Bombeck

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine. — Erma Bombeck

A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. — Erma Bombeck

Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly. — Erma Bombeck

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. — Erma Bombeck

A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel. — Erma Bombeck

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? — Erma Bombeck

My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!' — Erma Bombeck

I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!" was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me. — Erma Bombeck

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. — Erma Bombeck

There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green. — Erma Bombeck

The grass is always greener over the septic tank. — Erma Bombeck

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. — Erma Bombeck

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase. — Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. — Erma Bombeck

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle. — Erma Bombeck

Laugh now, cry later. — Erma Bombeck

After twenty-two years of marriage, we had outgrown the challenge of making something out of nothing. The nesting instincts just weren't there anymore. I no longer hyperventilated over a melon keeper that I bought at a Tupperware party. I now worshipped at the shrine of convenience and Sara Lee. Bill no longer rushed home to make bird houses in the basement. He wanted to sleep in his BarcaLounger so he wouldn't be so tired when he went to bed.
It was as if we were closing the door on the years of struggle. It wasn't fun anymore. — Erma Bombeck

My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," ... and hangs up. — Erma Bombeck

I've always been intrigued with the variety of answers this generation will give their children who ask, "Where did I come from, Mommy?" They will range from "Number 176 vial in Buffalo, New York," to "You were defrosted." — Erma Bombeck

To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children. — Erma Bombeck

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses. — Erma Bombeck

I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of "go out and fulfill your dreams" and "be everything you were meant to be." But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren. — Erma Bombeck

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip. — Erma Bombeck

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, Never mind! I'll do it myself. — Erma Bombeck

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. — Erma Bombeck

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. — Erma Bombeck

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill. — Erma Bombeck

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney. — Erma Bombeck

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. — Erma Bombeck

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded. — Erma Bombeck

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on. — Erma Bombeck

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. — Erma Bombeck

Some say the antique syndrome surfaced to offset the newness of the land, the homes, and the settlers. Some say the interest was initiated by a desire to return to the roots of yesterday. I contend the entire movement to acquire antiques was born out of sheer respect of things that lasted longer than fifteen minutes. — Erma Bombeck

It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia salesmen who are just passing through ... if they introduce them at all. I have some acquaintances who hover in dark parking lots, enter church separately and crouch in furnace rooms so their teen-agers will not be accused of having parents. — Erma Bombeck

A small waist makes you tire easily. — Erma Bombeck

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot. — Erma Bombeck

I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service. — Erma Bombeck

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want tAdenauer to want the job. — Erma Bombeck

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet. — Erma Bombeck

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him. — Erma Bombeck

It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line. — Erma Bombeck