Eoin Colfer Quotes & Sayings

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder — Eoin Colfer

Jon Spiro had not hired Pex and Chips for their debating sills. In the job interview, they had only been set one task. A hundred applicants were handed a walnut and asked to smash it however they could. Only two succeeded. Pex had shouted at the walnut for a few minutes, then flattened it between his giant palms. Chips had opted for a more controversial method. He placed the walnut on the table, grabbed is interviewer by the ponytail, and used the man's forehead to smash the nut. Both men were hired on the spot. They quickly established themselves as Arno Blunt's most reliable leiutenants for in-house work. They were not allowed outside Chicago, as this could involve map reading, something Pex and Chips were not very good at. — Eoin Colfer

If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away. — Eoin Colfer

Butler snapped his fingers. "Focus, Artemis! Time enough for your Atlantis Complex later. We have the Atlantis Trench outside that door and six miles of water above it. If you want to stay alive, you need to stay alert." He turned to Holly. "This is ridiculous. I'm pulling the plug."
Holly's mouth was a tight line as she shook her head. "Navy rules, Butler. You're on my boat, you follow my orders."
"As I remember, I brought the boat."
"Yes, thanks for bringing my boat. — Eoin Colfer

Oh, how I wish I had already regenerated to become the tall one with the dicky bow, thought the Doctor, who occasionally had visions of his future selves. He is always so fit and agile. I suppose all that incessant running down corridors that he does ... will do ... may do, in one of my possible futures ... is good for something. — Eoin Colfer

Mona began firing with deadly accuracy, also with a stream of Spanish words that Cosmo suspected were not taught in kindergarten. — Eoin Colfer

What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf? — Eoin Colfer

Holly died without a friend to hold her hand. Artemis felt her go, another gift of the magic. He kept on counting, brushing away the tears on his cheeks. — Eoin Colfer

He had seen bigger men than he with mummy's handkerchief clutched in on hand and a bloody dagger in the other. — Eoin Colfer

Giving evidence against one's employers was the first step to unemployment. — Eoin Colfer

When the moment comes, will you take your chance to be a hero? — Eoin Colfer

Artemis took a chance on some calculated sarcasm. "Really, Spiro. Did you think I would attempt a break-in? Perhaps you thought I would fly in here with my fairy friends and magic your box away?" Spiro laughed. "You can bring all the fairy friends you like, Arty-boy. Short of a miracle that Cube is staying right where it is. — Eoin Colfer

Some instruments seemed like they were held together with duct tape and prayers. Everything looked out of date. — Eoin Colfer

So if you're not Artemis Fowl, then who are you?"
The boy extended a dripping hand straight up. "My name is Orion. I am so pleased to meet you at last. I am, of course, your servant."
Holly shook the proferred hand, thinking that manners were lovely, but she really needed someone cunning and ruthless right now, and this kid didn't appear to be very cunning. — Eoin Colfer

Benny was awake again. Happened every morning. — Eoin Colfer

Everyone says that I have no sense of humor, then I construct a perfectly sound pun around a well-known psychological condition, and it is ignored. — Eoin Colfer

She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the moment of impact? I'm writing this short story
'
'Put that away, Hazel,' hissed Mam. 'The poor boy is in pain.'
Hazel persisted. 'Would that be a white-hot pain? Or more of a dull throbbing pain? — Eoin Colfer

And if history had taught any lessons it was that humans couldn't get along with anyone, even themselves. — Eoin Colfer

Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss. — Eoin Colfer

Being part of a secret is a great source of strength. — Eoin Colfer

To be injured on this tundra would lead to a quick and painful death - or at the very least abject humiliation before the popping flashes of the tourist season's tail end, which was slightly less painful than a painful death, but lasted longer. — Eoin Colfer

Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told.
Artemis Fowl — Eoin Colfer

I must capture the flag,' he breathed. 'That's what a pirate captain is supposed to do. Go to the roof, so I can capture the flag and gloat.'

'Capture the flag and goat?'

'Gloat.'

Isabella stood hands on hips. 'It's pronounced goooaaat, idiot. — Eoin Colfer

Very well. I understand. Just ... shut up! — Eoin Colfer

These headsets could pick up a spider scratching in Madagascar." "And is there a spider scratching in Madagascar?" "Well ... I don't know. They can't really - — Eoin Colfer

It's a game box. They were invented so teenagers wouldn't have to talk to grownups. — Eoin Colfer

Dreams come true all the time, just not for the dreamers — Eoin Colfer

There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to one of them. The other lived on an island in the South China Sea, and spent his days meditating and beating up palm trees. You had to feel sorry for the B'wa Kell. — Eoin Colfer

(to Foaly) Captain Short's life is in danger, so push the button before I climb that tower and push it with your face! — Eoin Colfer

Justin Timber-guy — Eoin Colfer

Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss? — Eoin Colfer

Don't worry chief,"said foaly,"It's like riding a unicorn,you never forget. — Eoin Colfer

(about Dr. Po) Just another quack spouting psychobabble. — Eoin Colfer

I am not qualified to deal with this. Why does everyone I meet seem to have mental problems?
Ah ... but did they have mental problems before meeting you? Who's the common denominator here, Dan?
I do not have mental problems! I say to the voice in my head, perfectly aware how damning it would sound were I to say it aloud. — Eoin Colfer

I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake. — Eoin Colfer

It felt like my teeth were sweating. Eoin Colfer's The Legend of Spud Murphy — Eoin Colfer

I just pulled a pretty big job and needed to hide out for awhile."
" ... Where's all the loot?"
"That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart."
Artemis put two and two together and arrived at a very unpleasant four.
"You were here to rob me!"
"No, I wasn't. How dare you?! — Eoin Colfer

A cloak of invisibility? This is a highly sensitive piece of field equipment. What does he think? Some warlock pulled it out of his armpit? — Eoin Colfer

Orion:"Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round so that I may smite it."
Foaly: "Smite it with what? Your secret birthmark?"
Orion: "Don't you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have. — Eoin Colfer

I am so sick of you smart kids. Why can't you just boost cars or steal stuff like normal kids?' 'We do steal stuff. Just bigger stuff. — Eoin Colfer

Foaly: Anyone see you come in here?
Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB.
Foaly: The EIB?
Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building. — Eoin Colfer

Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron. — Eoin Colfer

Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"
Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis: How long will it take you to prepare the time spell?
N1 chewed his knuckle: About as long as it takes you to take your clothes off.
"Aaarrk," Artemis half choked. — Eoin Colfer

Vinyaya was being openly antagonistic, and that was an emotion that could be trusted, unless of course it was a bluff and the commander was a secret fan of his, unless it was a double bluff and she really did feel antagonistic. — Eoin Colfer

Sounded like girls. Mixed feelings on that score. He didn't despise them with the same passion he used to. In fact, Benny suspected that there would come a time in the not-too-distant future when he might develop a mysterious interest in them. — Eoin Colfer

How was your ... eh ... trip?"
Artemis felt the sting of tears in his own eyes. "Um, eventful ... — Eoin Colfer

We lost the crickets," she said. "Even you can't make that sound tough."
... "I am Butler," he said with a straight-face. "Everything I say sounds tough. Now, get out of the lake, fairy. — Eoin Colfer

Miss me? Bet you did ... so would I. — Eoin Colfer

Ambition had a price, and that price was friendship. — Eoin Colfer

That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy."
Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us ... all those things."
But
buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know
the one with all the horror."
I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?"
Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me. — Eoin Colfer

I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."
Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.
Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything. — Eoin Colfer

I feel a little dizzy," said Orion. "But also wonderfully elated. I feel that I am on the verge of finding a rhyme for the word orange."
"Oxygen deprivation," said Foaly. "Or maybe it's just him. — Eoin Colfer

When I went to school, I was already reading and writing. In fact, I was offended that the other kids couldn't. — Eoin Colfer

I have always loved 'Stig of the Dump.' I think reading that book made me officially realise that I was a reader. — Eoin Colfer

Whatever their circumstances, people still had to eat, live, and love. — Eoin Colfer

The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up. — Eoin Colfer

It was impressive, but, pretty much like the man with the exploding head, it was a one-time trick. When — Eoin Colfer

I have a lovely office at the back of my house; it's an old stable and you can see right out to the countryside on one side and into the house on the other side. — Eoin Colfer

Butler was seeing the world as it was, complete with L.E.P retrival team — Eoin Colfer

If you're going to read five books, three should be issues and two for fun. — Eoin Colfer

Play along, the wink said. I'll get you out of this.
At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of another kiss later? — Eoin Colfer

Blow it Chix. Blow that door off it's damn hinges."
"Yessir. Off it's damn hinges. That's a roger. — Eoin Colfer

There's always time for babbling. — Eoin Colfer

world was dripping down his eyeballs like wet oil paint down a canvas. — Eoin Colfer

I often meet frustrated young writers who say they've only got so far and just can't finish a book. Even if you don't happen to use what you've worked on that day, it has taught you something and you'll be amazed when you might come back to it and use it again. — Eoin Colfer

this was business. — Eoin Colfer

Inside the mirrored elevator, Mulch used a telescopic pointer to push P for the penthouse. For the first few months he had jumped to reach the button, but that was undignified behavior for a millionaire. And besides, he was certain that Art could hear the thumping from the security desk. — Eoin Colfer

Onscreen, Foaly rubbed his eyelids with his index fingers.
Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Captain Short goes rogue once more. Hands up who's surprised. Anyone? — Eoin Colfer

... even one centimetre can make an awful lot of difference when you don't have many to spare. — Eoin Colfer

I can grow cameras!" she had shrieked at the Brill brothers during one briefing. "Who's to say that despicable centaur Foaly hasn't succeded in splicing surveillance equiptment to plants? So get rid of all the flowers. Rocks, too. I don't trust them. Sullen little blebers. — Eoin Colfer

When Holly Short had opened the door of her makeshift basement cell, she had found her helmet bouncing on the spot in front of her with a 3-D image of Foaly's face projected onto it. That is really creepy, — Eoin Colfer

Hey, look - your girlfriend is saying something.
Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn't even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl? — Eoin Colfer

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket. — Eoin Colfer

I never tell anyone exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared. — Eoin Colfer

Make it fast, you shower of stinking rabbit droppings, I've got a fresh blade that I'm just itching to test! — Eoin Colfer

Of course. Opal is toying with our emotions for her own gratification. Nothing more. She wishes to place herself in a position of power, emotionally. — Eoin Colfer

I did what all good Iriah dads do when faced with a worthy adversary..I said Ask your mother!! — Eoin Colfer

Thankfully the rest of the world assumed that the Irish were crazy, a theory that the Irish themselves did nothing to debunk. They had somehow got it into their heads that each fairy lugged around a pot of gold with him wherever he went. While it was true that LEP had a ransom fund, because of its officers' high-risk occupation, no human had ever taken a chunk of it yet. This didn't stop the Irish population in general from skulking around rainbows, hoping to win the supernatural lottery. — Eoin Colfer

Butler," he called, his voice thin and childlike in the wind.
"Yes, Artemis, what?"
"If something goes wrong, wait for me. No matter how it looks, I will return. I will bring them all back. — Eoin Colfer

It'll be messy, but after a day you'll be zipping around as though you were a thousand years old again. — Eoin Colfer

Sig Sauer. Nine millimetres. Thirteen in the magazine. Big bullets. One of these hits you and it could blow your head off; something even the magic can't fix. Other than that you should be all right, presuming you remembered to wear the regulation above-ground micro-fibre jumpsuit recently patented by me. Then again, being a Recon jock, you probably didn't. — Eoin Colfer

Look at those two. Wasting time. You wouldn't catch me doing that. — Eoin Colfer

Relax, Mr. Diggums. Have another nettle beer, or some spring water." The commander took two bottles from the cooler and offered one to Mulch.
Mulch studied the label. "Derrier? No thanks. You know how they put the bubbles in this stuff?"
Vinyaya's mouth twitched with the ghost of a smile. "I thought it was naturally carbonated."
"Yeah, that's what I thought until I got a prison job at the Derrier plant. They employ every dwarf in the Deeps. They made us sign confidentiality contracts."
Vinyaya was hooked. "So go on, tell me. How do they get the bubbles in?"
Mulch tapped his nose. "Can't say. Breach of contract. All I can say is it involves a huge vat of water and several dwarfs using our ... eh" Mulch pointed to his rear end-" ... natural talents."
Vinyaya gingerly replaced her bottle. — Eoin Colfer

I am surprised. 'A disk? A bloody disk. What do I look like to you? Jason goddamn Bourne? — Eoin Colfer

Why can't we for once have a meeting in Starbucks? — Eoin Colfer

Deacon laughs. 'People like you and me, Dan, trouble sniffs us out. Maybe you can hide out for a while, maybe even a few years, but eventually someone needs to be saved or someone needs to be killed. — Eoin Colfer

Control puberty?" snorted the bodyguard."If you manage that, you'll be the first. — Eoin Colfer

I have no time for babbling foolishness."
"Don't be so hasty," said Victor. "There's always time for babbling. — Eoin Colfer

It can play solitaire and minesweeper, replied Artemis innocently. — Eoin Colfer

No alcohol, Riley." She nodded at the screen. "How are you liking the twenty-first century?"
Riley burped. "The Take That are most melodic. And God bless Harry Potter is all I can say. If not for him, all of London would have been consumed by the dark arts. — Eoin Colfer

I'm not threatening you. I'm just informing you of police procedure. If you continue to obstruct me, I remove the obstruction, in this case you, and proceed to the next command. — Eoin Colfer

There are always a few bored audience members at an opera, especially by the time act four comes along. Those particular eyes would be wandering around the hall, searching for something, anything, interesting to watch. Those eyes would land on the little demon downstage right, unless they were distracted.
Right on cue, a large stage lamp broke free of its clamp in the rigging and swung on its cable into the back canvas. [ ... ]
On his way though the lobby minutes later, Artemis was highly amuse to overhear several audience members gushing over the unorthodox direction of the opera's final scene. The exploding lamp, muse one buff, was doubtless a metaphor for Norma's own falling star. But no, argued a second. The lamp was obviously a modernistic interpretation of the burning stake that Norma was about to face.
Or perhaps, thought Artemis as he pushed through the crowd to find a light Sicilian mist falling on his forehead, the exploding lamp was simply an exploding lamp. — Eoin Colfer

If Elmore Leonard met Jim Thompson down a dark alley at midnight they might emerge a week later with thick beards, bloodshot eyes and the manuscript for THE BIG O. — Eoin Colfer

Conor, I could search the world for another swashbuckling scientist, but I doubt if I would find one like you. — Eoin Colfer

Earth," he began, ignoring the impulse to open his notes folder and count the words. He knew this lecture by heart.
"Our home. She feeds us, she shelters us. Her gravity prevents us from flying off into space and freezing, before thawing out again and being crisped by the sun, none of which really matters, as we would have long since asphyxiated." Artemis paused for laughter and was surprised when it did not arrive. "That was a little joke. I read in a presentation manual that a joke often serves to break the ice. And I actually worked icebreaking into the joke, so there were layers to my humor. — Eoin Colfer

If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written. — Eoin Colfer

A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums. — Eoin Colfer

I can't imagine what they're planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it, and it won't be legal. — Eoin Colfer

I feel him near in the twist of me guts. It's something I've always been able to do.
The Reluctant Assassin — Eoin Colfer