Elle Lothlorien Quotes & Sayings

Do you ever answer anything in a way that people expect you to? — Elle Lothlorien

Are you referring to the day you instructed me to 'follow the white rabbit,' plied me with absinthe and brownies, and tried to have your way with me? Didn't take long for you to lose your romantic streak, did it? — Elle Lothlorien

For someone named Alice, you're really not all that up on your Wonderland trivia. — Elle Lothlorien

Would you like to hear about the fascinating things lizards can do if you chew off their tails? — Elle Lothlorien

Don't worry, little bunny, we only use our triplet telepathic powers for good. — Elle Lothlorien

When she reaches down to touch his shoulder - a gesture only a few species and a million or so years removed from lifting a leg and marking him as her territory with a stream of urine - enough bracelets and bangles to lay track across the Australian Outback slide down her arm and come to a jangling stop at her wrist. — Elle Lothlorien

Suddenly, the giant, three-headed dog that guards the entrance to the Underworld appears next to her - sans two of its heads - and sits down. As a child, we had a neighbor with a Great Dane, and I know they're about three feet tall at the shoulder. Allow another twelve inches for their T-Rex-sized heads, and you've got a dog that this woman could throw a saddle on and ride like a pony. — Elle Lothlorien

How was I supposed to know 'lucked out' means 'I got screwed over' in Australian? — Elle Lothlorien

My help - it's not a light switch you can turn on and off. My help starts right now, and after this point you don't get to tell me that you don't want it anymore. Understand? You had a chance to walk away, Alice, and you didn't take it. Now it's time to play the game. — Elle Lothlorien

Alice, winning means manipulation. It means taking people - people who may have helped you in the past, even people you care about - and using them without hesitation or regret. It means making decisions that would be viewed by any normal-thinking human being as cynical at best and dishonorable at worst — Elle Lothlorien

Now see, if it were me, I wouldn't have led with that. I would've gone with something like 'G'day' or 'Wow, aren't you a little hottie? — Elle Lothlorien

Speaking of your eyeballs, dear brother,I overheard some girls talking about you in the restroom at the tournament hotel. Apparently rumor now has it that you won't allow anyone to see your eyes - ever. In fact, according to this knowledgeable source, you even sleep and shower with your glasses on in case someone unexpectedly walks in...one of them said she'd seen your eyes for herself two years ago and could only describe them as 'ferocious and roving,' and 'burning white-hot with a primal, raw wildness. — Elle Lothlorien

First, I'd like to point out that I didn't use 'one of mine.' You refused to let me pay for my ice cream cone with a good ol' fashioned credit card, and you forced your pretend money on me. Secondly, I can't take any currency seriously that looks like it belongs in a psychedelic-inspired Special Edition Monopoly box. — Elle Lothlorien

I like it because when people use a lot of poker lingo, it usually means they've been playing the game for a while. Which is why I immediately avoid those people. — Elle Lothlorien

After one and a half cocktails, finding the appropriate response is a bit of a challenge. I finally say, 'Thank you for inviting me,' and leave the less desirable 'Want to play strip poker?' in the unscrupulous part of my brain where it belongs. — Elle Lothlorien

Locals. They'll eventually get out. They're annoyed. Like when Americans go to the lake. And it's closed. 'Cause some kid pooped in the water. — Elle Lothlorien

By the way, don't thank me for saving you, thank the lifeguards. If it was up to me, I would've just carried you off to the building by the boardwalk that said SURGERY. I'm sorry, but there's a big difference between a family doctor treating you for the sniffles, and a guy who actually owns and knows how to use an operating table. — Elle Lothlorien

Must be the hair then. And the name change. And your new piss-poor attitude. Because every once in a while, I look at you and I don't see a Baby Doll anymore. I just see Alice Faye Dahl, Poker Champion Badass. With obvious, heavy influences from Ronald McDonald, of course. — Elle Lothlorien

I use the word "man" loosely. A better description would be "the most beautiful specimen of Homo sapiens sapiens with a set of XY chromosomes to grace the planet Earth at this moment, or any other era, epoch, or age in history. — Elle Lothlorien

I believe it went like this - and stop me if I'm wrong, Mousey: 'Listen, we may not be our own continent and everything, but we have a big country over in America too. — Elle Lothlorien

You can pay for whatever you want, but I just want to warn you that I prefer to stay at places that don't start or end with the word 'motel. — Elle Lothlorien

In any other fabric of space-time, my brother would have picked up Dee's venereal disease-infested koala punt and run it straight down the line of vulgarity, all the way to the touchdown of tastelessness. — Elle Lothlorien

Don't take this the wrong way, but Australians have a LOT of bitches on their cashola. — Elle Lothlorien

I slump in my chair, thinking how a narcotic party of one is no party at all. — Elle Lothlorien

I made sure to brush my teeth as soon as I was able. I even asked for a hair tie to pull my long, blood-red hair into a twist at the nape of my neck so I wouldn't have that 'freshly hospitalized' look. — Elle Lothlorien

Once I realized that Australia's top highway speed of 110 kilometers per hour was the same as going 65 in the U.S., all my hardened American enthusiasm for speed went limp until it felt like the car was hardly moving at all. Even worse, most stretches of the highway are restricted to 60 kilometers per hour, which is how fast Americans go when we're, like, passing a stopped school bus disembarking small children, or driving through a herd of puppies in the road. — Elle Lothlorien

What if it's a shy fish? Is that a 'coy koi?' What? Don't hate me because I'm asking the important questions. — Elle Lothlorien

Mouse likes to drag you to uninhabited areas with no cell signal - all those places perfect for dying of exposure. — Elle Lothlorien

Be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn, In that case, you should always be a unicorn. — Elle Lothlorien

I've watched about a dozen tourists almost get hit by cars since I've been here. I barely made it to the beach alive the other day. I mean, no one knows what they're doing. They swing their heads back and forth like they're mounted on a door hinge, but they don't even know what they're looking for, not really. Cars just come at you from all sorts of unnecessary directions here, and we're all probably going to get killed. — Elle Lothlorien

I have a totally unhealthy and unrealistic fear of being eaten by a great white shark. This is because I belong to a very specific demographic called American Child Whose Parents Made the Ill-Advised Decision To Allow Her To Watch the Movie Jaws At a Sleepover During Her Formative Years. — Elle Lothlorien

I don't think Australians ever use a couple of words when twenty will do just fine. — Elle Lothlorien

I think it should be obvious by now that I'm not necessarily interested in reality. — Elle Lothlorien

I've found that lifting the lid with your foot is the most thorough and least gross path to two minutes of peace of mind. — Elle Lothlorien

The words 'drink me' come to mind. Anyone besides me up for some heavy alcohol consumption? — Elle Lothlorien

My butt has a maximum drive time of seven hours. — Elle Lothlorien

I hear they're all infected with chlamydia, which just goes to show that you really can't tell who's got the clam. I mean, look at a picture of a koala ... tell me you're not shocked. — Elle Lothlorien

Enjoy your little run because there's no way you get off this boat without her trying to slice your Achilles in half. — Elle Lothlorien

Are we turning back? Because if you're just trying to solve my post-traumatic stress problem by exposing me to rock sharks until I'm desensitized, trust me - that ship has sailed. — Elle Lothlorien

Turns out making a dramatic exit is a lot harder when you have to stand there and wait another twenty minutes for a boat to dock. — Elle Lothlorien

Basic economic theory. People behave differently based on how much they think something's worth. Because everyone got their chips for free, people made huge bets on every hand - no matter what they were holding. People who play with everything on the line - for real - don't act like that. — Elle Lothlorien

Don't make me Alice-nap you, Alice. Because you know I can carry you. — Elle Lothlorien

Uh-oh, I hope he doesn't start rattling off dirty limericks next; she'll probably burn the hotel down. — Elle Lothlorien

I'm not sure a real man would smoke something that sounds like a mixed drink ice cream cone. — Elle Lothlorien

Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that 'Alice Faye picked a peck of pepper for the poor, piping pig in the purple poke.' Wait - is that not what we're talking about here? — Elle Lothlorien

Okay, so English settlers brought rabbits with them to Australia to breed for food and stuff, right? But they escaped and basically started destroying the country, eating the vegetation, that kind of thing. So by the early 1900s, the government was trying to figure out a way to get rid of all the rabbits. Want to hear what their genius plan was? The rabbit-proof fence. Worked out great for the rabbits. Once they learned how to play badminton and got the hang of tennis on grass, they couldn't remember how they ever lived without it. Supposedly there was something like six hundred million rabbits by 1950. But you're missing the point. The point is that even though it was pretty obvious from the beginning it wasn't working, they kept right on building it - two thousand miles of it. — Elle Lothlorien

Just keep it simple, Alice Faye. Remember how you taught yourself. Nothing's different just because you're on a yacht, or wearing a fancy dress. Or because you appear to have dropped acid and are now in the mirror room at the fun house. — Elle Lothlorien

Australians are descended from a boatload of English convicts, right? So two hundred years in isolation at the bottom of the planet is plenty of time for the language to evolve into some sort of double-speak prison slang. — Elle Lothlorien

I believe the phrase you're looking for is 'too much money and not enough things to spend it on. — Elle Lothlorien

Okay then, I suppose you get a pass on poker intimidation for the glasses, little brother. But everyone else is wearing them at the tables too, and they're all just sitting there, looking all serious, like they're birthing the Grand Theory of Everything. — Elle Lothlorien

Alice, it took big, dumb Talon Dodo thirty seconds to get you so pissed about a poker hand pun that you were about to beat him to death with your cane. — Elle Lothlorien

Seriously, what is the purpose? Maybe I'd feel better about walking around speaking fluent jive if I knew there was a reason for it. — Elle Lothlorien

Once the principals in their party are seated, with those lower on the totem pole left to grumble and move on to find another table, our once-cozy booth transforms into a damp fusion of vacuous wretchedness, with the three women all complaining alternately about their wet hair/clothes and their respective distance from Talon, while the man himself is trying to maneuver his Paul Bunyan frame way too close to me. — Elle Lothlorien

Pretty great view. You think they'd do something about the sharks. — Elle Lothlorien

You know what Munny said to me, right before we left? She said, 'Watching someone die is hard work. Go to Australia and watch Faye fall in love with some dude named Rabbit. That should be fun. — Elle Lothlorien

Let's put it this way: you know how we always told you that all those years of tormenting four sisters turned you into a closet sadist? Well, if you ever decide that being a lawyer isn't bringing you the kind of gratification you were hoping for, then I think I found the perfect job for you. — Elle Lothlorien

You can donate marrow for her, Alice Faye, you can't cure her. You can win a poker tournament, but that won't make her want to live. So I'll ask you again: Who are you, and what are you doing here? Because Munny sure doesn't want you to be her, and she wants someone to be out in the world living since she's got the market cornered on dying right now. — Elle Lothlorien

Hey, any idea why Australians speak something that sounds deceptively like English but isn't? I mean, I'm trying to figure out why I can't seem to converse with another human being who speaks the same language as I do. — Elle Lothlorien

Aw, you're nothing but heart, Mako. Nice valentine in your skull, by the way. Is that temporary or did the Tanaka-kai change their daimon to attract the Powerpuff Girls crowd? — Elle Lothlorien

If you ever pull a switcheroo like that again, Dee, I'm going to offer your boyfriend ten thousand dollars to make out with Alice for two minutes. — Elle Lothlorien

Did you forget a dentist appointment or something, big guy? Where the hell did you hop off to? — Elle Lothlorien

I don't need to look at your primal, white-hot, mutant pirate eyes, big guy. Just forget that I'm there, and I'll try to block out the fact that I ever met you. Basically we'll just act like we do every day. — Elle Lothlorien

Oh, yeah, that goatee is really unattractive. That definitely belongs on a much fatter man. — Elle Lothlorien

When some smart ass asks you if you're driving, you say, 'Nope, just kicking the tires.' You have to make sure you actually kick them all on your way around to the passenger side. Otherwise it's like lying. — Elle Lothlorien

I don't know what this is for anyway. I mean, let me tell you what I'm never going to say to any human being, ever: 'I had hunting season off-suit in the pocket, but I've had kicker trouble with that hand often enough to fold it. — Elle Lothlorien

Be a good little Alice and just follow the White Rabbit, okay? — Elle Lothlorien

As you know, the International Poker Tour, by its own admission, knows very little about poker games, one of which ended tragically last week when an IPT-sanctioned tournament aboard a yacht in Australia accidentally used tarot cards instead of playing cards. That's right, it's true! Apparently no one noticed until someone laid down a full house and the dealer died. — Elle Lothlorien

Faye, if you got eaten by another shark, would you please at least have the decency to say so? My time is kind of limited, if you know what I'm sayin'. — Elle Lothlorien

I look around briefly at the other players like I always do before a game. Other than Queenie, Bill, and Talon, I don't know any of them (and I don't care enough about them to know them). But if there's going to be any cordiality, any forced politeness or 'Aw, shucks, let's all just try to have a good time here tonight' kind of blather, then now's the time to get it out of the way before I get down to the business of screwing everyone out of their hopes and dreams. — Elle Lothlorien

I want to kiss my brother for being so tactful. Rabbit looks grateful as well, and I can only imagine what it would be like to trot out your embarrassing 'enjo kosai' problem in front of your sister, your former love-interest of a couple of weeks, and her two siblings. — Elle Lothlorien

So ... while we're sitting here on this luxury yacht enjoying our bread and water, why doesn't someone tell me the plan? — Elle Lothlorien

I think I can say with confidence that it's a lot funnier if you haven't actually been attacked by a shark. — Elle Lothlorien

Because trying to think of how to ask a woman you've known for exactly two days if she'd be willing to get into a car with you and take a road trip across the country was something I hadn't quite worked up to yet. — Elle Lothlorien

Like your sweet, affectionate house cat, Alice Dahl is easy to underestimate. It's not until the songbirds in the yard show up eviscerated on the front porch that you realize you should've kept that bell collar on her - because those poor birds never even saw her coming. — Elle Lothlorien

I think it would be prudent to advise you that due to extraordinary circumstances beyond our control, the original plan we had for participating in and extending the duration of the IPT Main Event has been drastically altered, specifically as it pertains to certain individuals competing - — Elle Lothlorien

I brought you out here because I wanted to share a sunrise with you, and maybe even a sunset. I wanted to see how much I could kiss you between now and the time we dock tomorrow. And if I was really lucky, I was hoping I could lie with you until you fell asleep, until I couldn't stay awake anymore. And in the morning, we'd wake up, and we'd be together, just like this. — Elle Lothlorien

For the first time, there's no barrier between us and we make eye contact. All of a sudden, I feel like the character in Raiders of the Lost Ark - the one who watches in horror as the wispy, beautiful angels floating from the Ark of the Covenant morph into howling, homicidal demons. You know, right before he melts like a cheap candle. — Elle Lothlorien

I'm good at being vague and unpredictable. It's sort of a hard habit to break. — Elle Lothlorien

If one more person tells me how big this country is, I'm going to go kick a koala. — Elle Lothlorien

Alice? You didn't get this far without realizing that you don't have to cheat to win. You just have to accept that people are easily manipulated. — Elle Lothlorien

The question is: will I get used to a menu with kilojoules instead of calories? I mean, I don't think anyone even knows how many kilojoules are in a calorie. I had to break out a whiteboard this morning and do calculus just to figure out how many calories were in a glass of water Down Under. — Elle Lothlorien

You know what they say, Queenie: ALWAYS bet like you have a pair. — Elle Lothlorien

Follow me down, Alice Faye Dahl. I know the way. — Elle Lothlorien

He's a guy. We're easy and stupid. Just go bat your eyes at him and beg for forgiveness. It'll take five minutes ... three if you wear something low-cut. — Elle Lothlorien

No thanks ... Dodo, was it? I don't know if I can watch you have performance problems twice in ten days. — Elle Lothlorien

You're in the country of the kangaroo and the duck-billed platypus, and you're asking 'why is it a mushroom? Because it just IS. — Elle Lothlorien

I'm almost afraid to tell you. Let's put it this way: clean toilets are the least of your problems in this country. — Elle Lothlorien

Alice, I am the game, and trust me: you don't want to play me. — Elle Lothlorien

Did you think your boyfriend was going to stick around and watch you do THAT? If we weren't related, I would've left too. Actually ... is it already too late for me to leave? — Elle Lothlorien

Oh, Alice, you haven't even had a taste of my romantic streak yet. And when the time's right I don't think I'll have to 'try' to have my way with you. I just WILL. — Elle Lothlorien

Well, you played me, Rabbit. You played me, and it worked, and I'm not the kind of person to make the same mistake twice. Your whole life is a game, but you know what? I already have a life. Poker's nothing to me but a goddamn deck of cards. — Elle Lothlorien

Yeah, well, when they say 'You know it's a long way, don't you?' what they really mean is: 'You know it'd be faster if you just rode a kangaroo, don't you? — Elle Lothlorien

Congratulations, Mousey, you've managed to insult every marsupial in the country in just under three kilometers. — Elle Lothlorien

Did the Ancient Greeks ever write anything funny - like slapstick? I mean, I think I speak for everyone when I say that there's nothing wrong with a little bit of well-written physical comedy. — Elle Lothlorien

We're late. For a VERY important date — Elle Lothlorien

Wait, and you had to ask him if Faye's in danger? IF? Okay, first of all, I'm just going to admit that I didn't know Japan had a Mafia, but I also didn't know they got a Disney World. If someone gets an invitation from the Mafia, I'd say there's potential for a bit of danger, wouldn't you? I mean, am I the only one here who saw Goodfellas? — Elle Lothlorien

How do you tactfully spin the term "man-whore" to someone's sister? — Elle Lothlorien

This is from the queen? And you say it's for a mouse? I'm sorry, sir, but the Pyramid Hotel doesn't allow any pets except for service animals. — Elle Lothlorien

Right, 'the Queen of Hearts.' Sounds to me like you're just one bitch in a whole pack of cards, baby. — Elle Lothlorien

I grimace, thinking someone should come up with a new phrase for 'I left the ocean without a kiwi-sized chunk of my lower-left butt cheek' to replace the rather nebulous term 'exploratory bite. — Elle Lothlorien