Dylan Moran Quotes & Sayings

Vodka is a very deceptive drink. You can't taste it, you can't smell it. — Dylan Moran

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse. — Dylan Moran

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? — Dylan Moran

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling. — Dylan Moran

I was very into New Order, Joy Division, all of that when I was younger. I had a lot of bootlegs that I saved up my pocket money to buy. I had all the obscure early EPs. — Dylan Moran

I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good! — Dylan Moran

I'm just a guy who happens to work in public from time to time. I've built a reputation as an established comic, not as a celebrity - a celebrity is someone who is famous but doesn't do anything. — Dylan Moran

When I was young, all the politicians looked like ancient Latin teachers or greengrocers. They were mumbly, stumbly men with their hair blowing in their eyes, walking into trees, opening the wrong door. They had no idea how to present themselves. — Dylan Moran

Your mind is a hive of worms. And worms don't live in a hive, so it already feels unnatural. — Dylan Moran

And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else. — Dylan Moran

Irish people give big hellos and very little goodbyes. Unless they're female, and then they spend five hours talking in the doorway to the person that's leaving their house. — Dylan Moran

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits. — Dylan Moran

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time. — Dylan Moran

Maybe this is just me, but as time goes by, I'm more bewildered by modernity. It gets more unfathomable with every passing year. — Dylan Moran

The terror of failure can make you feel like a failure. So a bunch of people think you're not very good at your thing. How much do you invest in what they say? How much do you care? Failure is not putting yourself on the line. — Dylan Moran

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20. — Dylan Moran

Love in all its forms is very difficult ... to express. It changes, obviously. If you're young, and you're romantically in love with somebody, and often if you've just met somebody, its crazy! It's completely overwhelming. You can't think of anything else. You just want to climb inside the other person and live under their pancreas. And then it mellows, somewhat ... to the point where you can barely look at them ... without feeling a mild distaste — Dylan Moran

I've been writing since I was very young, even before I was a teenager. As far as I'm concerned, I am a writer - whether my writing's spoken or written in a blog, paper, book or printed on the side of a submarine. — Dylan Moran

I quite fancy the 1940s. I like the trams and the trousers. — Dylan Moran

As an Irish person, there's a historical fascination with America: America is the default green and promised land for Irish people and Italians; that's what we grow up with. — Dylan Moran

I'm organised in some ways, but not in others. — Dylan Moran

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass. — Dylan Moran

When I was a child, I wanted to watch things that made me laugh. It's attacking boredom, as simple as that. I was 19 when I first went to a comedy club - I wanted to do it, so I gave it a try and that was it. I found my office. — Dylan Moran

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear. — Dylan Moran

I'm just trying to understand what's around me as much as anyone else is, really. To draw a bead on a moving target. — Dylan Moran

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island? — Dylan Moran

I'm delighted to make as many people feel ashamed as possible. There's probably a site like that for everybody. I've heard Newt Gingrich has his own as well. — Dylan Moran

I've seen stand up comedy, and after a while you start to notice that a lot of people are doing things that are like a lot of other people. There can be a bit of a herd mentality, and that's obviously less interesting because there's less going on. I'm just being totally frank with you. — Dylan Moran

People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: 'Be realistic!'
[What It Is (2009)] — Dylan Moran

You exaggerate your own reactions. — Dylan Moran

I did throw a lot of eggs into one basket, as you do in your teenage years - 'I am buying these records, I am wearing this'. I did quite a bit of that. You have to do it, wear your stupid shoes, wear your stupid hair. — Dylan Moran

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY! — Dylan Moran

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s. — Dylan Moran

I get a phone call once every 18 months from some mad person who wants me to do something for less than no money and they give me about a week's notice. That's my film career, most of the time. — Dylan Moran

I don't go around thinking of myself as a great anything. — Dylan Moran

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical. — Dylan Moran

You know, just sometimes in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of cornershop piss at 3am
you do sometimes look at yourself and think
this is fantastic. I'm in heaven. — Dylan Moran

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark ... for hours ... and don't move ... I'm locking the door now.' — Dylan Moran

Fran Katzenjammer: "You need someone normal around here".
Bernard: "Normal! He's normal is he, is he"?
Fran Katzenjammer: [chuckles]
Bernard: "What am I then"?
Fran Katzenjammer: "Well you're a freak, Bernard, you know that".
Bernard: [pauses then blurts] "Yes. I know. But I have rights"! — Dylan Moran

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think. — Dylan Moran

You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic. — Dylan Moran

You have to assume that you're talking to the most intelligent, tuned-in audience you could ever get. That's the way you're going to get the best out of people. Whether they know you or not shouldn't matter for comedy. They should get to know you pretty quickly. and they should be having a good time pretty quickly. — Dylan Moran

You look like a horse in a man costume — Dylan Moran

You're not going to learn anything if you're not prepared to go flat, so I'm very happy to go flat. — Dylan Moran

You're not really an adult at all. You're just a tall child holding a beer, having a conversation you don't understand. — Dylan Moran

My drive to put myself on the line comes from boredom. From that feeling when you go to bed and think, 'What did I do today?' It doesn't have to be something monumental, just a feeling that you really tried to look at something, or look into something. — Dylan Moran

I draw hundreds and hundreds of pictures of sort of gnarly looking men, so I don't know what that tells you. People who look like ... they're waiting for a sandwich that's never going to come. I don't know what's wrong with me. — Dylan Moran

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up! — Dylan Moran

I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight. — Dylan Moran

There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There's the other one, you know, where you go "Ga ... bt ... jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga ... ba ... ah, actually that's not that bad, that is. It's quite nice." — Dylan Moran

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache ... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is! — Dylan Moran

Idioms are a big thing in Ireland. They want to fill the time, to show how good they are at talk - it's a talk-off — Dylan Moran

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off. — Dylan Moran

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow. — Dylan Moran

We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy. — Dylan Moran

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate. — Dylan Moran

Shame is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs in the world, anyway, built into religion. — Dylan Moran

And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying. — Dylan Moran

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see ... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech. — Dylan Moran

You can laugh at somebody because they are innocent, and because they are naive or they are about to walk into a wall, but if somebody's giving you stuff, if somebody's talking, giving you their take on things, what makes you laugh, generally speaking, is going to be somebody who is telling it in an angry way. — Dylan Moran

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake. — Dylan Moran

Have I had therapy? I went to a yoga class once. — Dylan Moran

Fruit ... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!" — Dylan Moran

I fear we might be losing the basic human facility to be alone - and with that you throw out independent decision-making, what to trust, what not to trust; key stuff - a perilous loss. — Dylan Moran

I wanted to show off - a simple impulse or drive; in much the same way as some kids wanted to play football, I wanted to show off. Not complicated in that sense, very natural; it just depends on how you want to show off. — Dylan Moran

I don't go to different countries to criticise their political system and tell them what they should be doing - what do I know? — Dylan Moran

[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you. — Dylan Moran

I'm really not big on nationalism, to be honest with you. I really don't think it gets people anywhere except near a pile of dead bodies. I'm Irish, yeah, but I don't need to get up on a soapbox about it. — Dylan Moran

I've always been a big consumer of American journalism over the years and had an interest in the history of it and of the press in America; how it has changed. — Dylan Moran

I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now. — Dylan Moran

What is universal can be surprising. Over time you find the kind of stuff which has people thinking 'That is just something that occurred to me ... there's something wrong with me', is in fact stuff that is universal. — Dylan Moran

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!" — Dylan Moran

Religion is the yeast of death cakes. It is the most awful agent on a vulnerable mind. It's the refuge of alienated and lonely people. It's what people had before television. It yokes people together into an imaginary world. It is just people talking to their imaginary friends, at length. I wouldn't mind, but some of the people are world leaders. — Dylan Moran

Two young, fit, healthy attractive people in love? There's nothing worse to look at in the world. — Dylan Moran

I'm fascinated by how you'll change your position so many times over a lifetime, but really what you're doing is occupying a series of positions on a landscape. — Dylan Moran

I actually very rarely see comedy myself, and although I admire the work of some comics, it does come from all over, so I'll get a charge out of some fiction writers and poets. — Dylan Moran

People will kill you over time. And how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases like 'be realistic'. — Dylan Moran

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it. — Dylan Moran

You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is. — Dylan Moran

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder. — Dylan Moran

Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation. — Dylan Moran

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist. — Dylan Moran

All the shy people are doomed! Natural selection favors the loud and the aggressive — Dylan Moran

Do your own thing. Speak in your voice. — Dylan Moran

I write all the time, but you just want to be careful what you put out. That's all. You want to have the confidence that you've done what you need to do to it, because otherwise it's an exercise in vanity. — Dylan Moran

You're never going to go. Why would you go? It's a disgusting place. It's always wet even when it's dry. There's nothing there. Farmers aren't really people, you know this. They're just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows. — Dylan Moran

Women are like canoes, full of soup. At first everyone is suspicious but then everyone wants one. — Dylan Moran

I thought The Office was good, though I didn't think of it as a sitcom, just as a very good programme. — Dylan Moran

I would never really analyse what I do. I leave that to other people - I'm not a critic. I just want to get on with whatever I have in hand, you know? Just try to make the best job of the available material. — Dylan Moran

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator. — Dylan Moran

Home gigs can be hard because it's an odd collision. More than anything, I feel self-conscious when my family are in the audience. I'm doing this job which is not quite acting - part of it is me, part performance. You're presenting a cartoon of yourself to people who know you as a line-drawing. — Dylan Moran

You can see desperation in people who are too eager to laugh because they're in such a hurry not to look at what's confronting them in their lives and that's kind of sad because there's a kind of pornographic aspect to it, of making some sort of pain go away, of hovering around a pain, making yourself numb, not feel anything. — Dylan Moran

Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that ... shite. — Dylan Moran

I have tried ... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies. — Dylan Moran

You know, people sometimes say to me, 'Do you prefer to do this or that, act or do stand-up or write' but the thing that I enjoy most is the difference between all of them, because you're always learning. I don't go around thinking of myself as a great anything. I'm actually lucky to have the chance to fail at all of them. — Dylan Moran

The East is very mysterious to Westerners. Even post-Cold War, it's still an unknown entity. — Dylan Moran

Nothing can make me feel better now, except cocaine. — Dylan Moran

I was lucky in the sense that I was never blessed with an overly reflective nature. — Dylan Moran

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here. — Dylan Moran

I don't want to do panel games or adverts. I really like challenges. I always get roles as an art teacher or a photographer. In the future I want to play something like a mugger/assassin/pastry chef. — Dylan Moran