Dov Davidoff Quotes & Sayings

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity. — Dov Davidoff

If you hug someone goodbye and their response is what the hell are you doing? - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend. — Dov Davidoff

Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile. — Dov Davidoff

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death. — Dov Davidoff

I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs. — Dov Davidoff

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world. — Dov Davidoff

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you. — Dov Davidoff

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away. — Dov Davidoff

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably. — Dov Davidoff

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush. — Dov Davidoff

Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to. — Dov Davidoff

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay. — Dov Davidoff

If only you understood the way I felt ... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person. — Dov Davidoff

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence. — Dov Davidoff

We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good ... or at least put-out. — Dov Davidoff

Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking. — Dov Davidoff

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move. — Dov Davidoff

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction ... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation. — Dov Davidoff

A lot of people in a LA need to take a break from taking a break. — Dov Davidoff

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant. — Dov Davidoff

Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift? — Dov Davidoff

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going. — Dov Davidoff

Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet. — Dov Davidoff

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment. — Dov Davidoff

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world. — Dov Davidoff

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them. — Dov Davidoff

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping. — Dov Davidoff

Do you love me for me? ... I don't even love me for me. — Dov Davidoff

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding. — Dov Davidoff

The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want. — Dov Davidoff

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots. — Dov Davidoff

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other. — Dov Davidoff

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death. — Dov Davidoff

Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one. — Dov Davidoff

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before. — Dov Davidoff

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'. — Dov Davidoff

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much. — Dov Davidoff

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing. — Dov Davidoff

Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do ... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life. — Dov Davidoff

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom. — Dov Davidoff

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage. — Dov Davidoff

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'? — Dov Davidoff

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier. — Dov Davidoff

Ending a sentence with yo, is like saying, I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever. Know what I mean yo? — Dov Davidoff

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie. — Dov Davidoff

Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect. — Dov Davidoff

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale. — Dov Davidoff

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time. — Dov Davidoff

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East. — Dov Davidoff

People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time. — Dov Davidoff

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians. — Dov Davidoff

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time. — Dov Davidoff

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress. — Dov Davidoff

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal. — Dov Davidoff

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water. — Dov Davidoff

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right? — Dov Davidoff

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach. — Dov Davidoff

The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache. — Dov Davidoff

One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen. — Dov Davidoff

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon. — Dov Davidoff

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself. — Dov Davidoff

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse. — Dov Davidoff

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much. — Dov Davidoff

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are. — Dov Davidoff

Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you. — Dov Davidoff

Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one. — Dov Davidoff

It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant. — Dov Davidoff

Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line. — Dov Davidoff

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard. — Dov Davidoff

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial. — Dov Davidoff

The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face. — Dov Davidoff

How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more? — Dov Davidoff

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure. — Dov Davidoff

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary. — Dov Davidoff

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding. — Dov Davidoff

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable. — Dov Davidoff

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that. — Dov Davidoff

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'. — Dov Davidoff

Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror? — Dov Davidoff

Coming to terms with my feelings of worthlessness isn't always a bad time, but it's rarely a good one. — Dov Davidoff

Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it. — Dov Davidoff

Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic. — Dov Davidoff

Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you. — Dov Davidoff

The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine. — Dov Davidoff

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn. — Dov Davidoff

People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are. — Dov Davidoff

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees. — Dov Davidoff

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you. — Dov Davidoff

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream. — Dov Davidoff

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified. — Dov Davidoff

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth ... I guess. — Dov Davidoff

I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included. — Dov Davidoff

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer. — Dov Davidoff

If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else. — Dov Davidoff

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking. — Dov Davidoff

Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos. — Dov Davidoff

The man I want to be could easily beat me up. — Dov Davidoff

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses. — Dov Davidoff

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate. — Dov Davidoff

Comedy is rarely funny. — Dov Davidoff