Dennis Miller Quotes & Sayings

And the reason parenting is becoming increasingly crucial is that we now live in a world that is more fucked up than Peter O'Toole on his birthday. — Dennis Miller

I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer. — Dennis Miller

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong. — Dennis Miller

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. — Dennis Miller

That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena. — Dennis Miller

American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel. — Dennis Miller

Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. — Dennis Miller

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. — Dennis Miller

I'm extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son. — Dennis Miller

I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet. — Dennis Miller

I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market. — Dennis Miller

The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God. — Dennis Miller

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. — Dennis Miller

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. — Dennis Miller

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless. — Dennis Miller

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. — Dennis Miller

Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot. — Dennis Miller

The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto. — Dennis Miller

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was. — Dennis Miller

I'm a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round. — Dennis Miller

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. — Dennis Miller

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee. — Dennis Miller

Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal. — Dennis Miller

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. — Dennis Miller

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours. — Dennis Miller

Think of Iraq as "East Korea," because it was a shoot the cuffs war for the edification of Kim Jong Il to let him know we've now circled the SUVs. Iraq was about breaking adhesions, getting lean, staying frosty - in short, getting ready for the big Doug MacArthur Memorial Cage Match to come. — Dennis Miller

Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place. — Dennis Miller

I remember once my kid got in trouble for saying to his teacher, "What time is fucking recess?" and I remember thinking, "Now where would he fucking pick up something like that? — Dennis Miller

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. — Dennis Miller

I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won't kill them. Quite frankly, there's some religions out there, you bash and they're going to kill you. — Dennis Miller

Just put down 9/11 ... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. — Dennis Miller

Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it. — Dennis Miller

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. — Dennis Miller

I find it shocking that anybody can be brought down in D.C. for gossip, ostensibly. I thought that was the coin of the realm there. That's like getting hit with lightning on a cloudless day. — Dennis Miller

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program. — Dennis Miller

A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.' — Dennis Miller

It's a cocktail-party circuit in D.C., That guy who couldn't master the guitar and get in a band and get laid, he ends up there. Gary Condit make sense to me. He's away from his family, he's in D.C. - if he was a car dealer in the [San Fernando] Valley somewhere out there, he'd be the guy who was trying to get laid by offering you the free undercoating package. — Dennis Miller

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. — Dennis Miller

I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass. — Dennis Miller

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. — Dennis Miller

I don't need to be born again. I got it right the first time. — Dennis Miller

Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh? — Dennis Miller

There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh. — Dennis Miller

I have a nice house. And when somebody says it's a palace, I always feel like we're digging a little or something. — Dennis Miller

The next time you get the urge to shut somebody up because they don't see the world exactly the same way you do, take a deep breath, get out your Bill of Rights, and count to the ten amendments. — Dennis Miller

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love. — Dennis Miller

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. — Dennis Miller

If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion — Dennis Miller

Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today? — Dennis Miller

Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied-up in Enron stock? — Dennis Miller

Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.' — Dennis Miller

Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me. — Dennis Miller

Somebody call Janet Reno - I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet! — Dennis Miller

The Nazi signs have got to stop. If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign saying that 'Bush is Hitler,' forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass, because he is not Hitler. — Dennis Miller

The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts. — Dennis Miller

[The Internet] ... is an amazing communications tool that's bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to sign on to America Online in your hometown, and it's just staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around the world, in China, someone you've never met is sitting at their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that you're hearing. — Dennis Miller

Yeah, this country's founding fathers are a bunch of dead rich white men, but they did set things up so you could come and sit at the table, so don't piss in the finger bowls, all right? Thank you. In return for unfettered economic opportunity and no government death squads, try to get along with your new stepmotherland, and don't be resentful if there's a set of house rules already in place. — Dennis Miller

The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night. — Dennis Miller

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. — Dennis Miller

A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods. — Dennis Miller

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. — Dennis Miller

Forbes magazine has named Mel Gibson this year's most powerful celebrity ... Forbes' least powerful celebrity? [Miller displayed the widely circulated image from the Lynndie England photographs of a hooded Iraqi prisoner with wires attached to his outstretched arms] You're looking at him. Screw this guy ... [He's a] bad guy. — Dennis Miller

[T]he man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, You mean I'm not going to prison? — Dennis Miller

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow — Dennis Miller

I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. — Dennis Miller

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. — Dennis Miller

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. — Dennis Miller

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George. — Dennis Miller

America was founded by puritans and like it or not the anti-pleasure dogma of those buckled-shoed killjoys still pervades our collective unconscious like an I-max shot of Dennis Franz's naked hairy cop ass. Hence, anything enjoyable is automatically forbidden and bad and in our panic to avoid it at all cost we become obsessed with it ... like dressing up in a pink teddy and a pair of ugboots and repeatedly screaming the word 'VERBOTEN!' into a conk shell balanced on the back on a miniature pony ... Oh, I see.. That would just be me. — Dennis Miller

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children! — Dennis Miller

I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that's when I'm right. — Dennis Miller

Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi. — Dennis Miller

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. — Dennis Miller

The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first ... you are halling ass my friends. — Dennis Miller

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks. — Dennis Miller

So who's the big red menace nowadays? Cuba. That's it? I'm sorry, but it's hard to whip up any us against them nationalist fervor about a country whose principal export is citizens who can swim. — Dennis Miller

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble. — Dennis Miller

We are overeducated pharmacy clerks (with doctorate degrees) answering the phone, running the cash register, ringing up donuts and dish soap while juggling 10 or more drug related issues per minute with our one technician yelling Override! — Dennis Miller

The White House again refused to turn over discussions Vice President Cheney had with Enron officials over energy policy. Cheney said if he had to disclose every time some business donated a ton of money then came in to write its own policy to govern itself, he wouldn't get any work done. — Dennis Miller

The very definition of the innate hollowness of leading a political life when you end up on your nearest and dearest moments or most personal evenings with donors. That should - that should tell you all you need to know about the ramble that is politics. — Dennis Miller

Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger. — Dennis Miller

There's no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years. — Dennis Miller

By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event where if you took your classroom on a student field trip, they would summarily be obliterated. That should be rule No. 1. — Dennis Miller

Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets! — Dennis Miller

A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us. — Dennis Miller

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? — Dennis Miller

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. — Dennis Miller

They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel. — Dennis Miller

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. — Dennis Miller

Pat Buchanan is so homo-phobic, he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt. — Dennis Miller

On Thursday, a passenger forced his way into the cockpit of a United Airlines flight from Miami, but was subdued after the co-pilot hit him with a small ax. Good to see our airlines are being kept secure by the latest in 12th century technology. — Dennis Miller

The ACLU spent this entire holiday season protesting public displays of the nativity scene. Yeah, that's the problem with America right now: Public displays of Christ's birth, that's the problem. It's unbelievable to me. The ACLU will no longer fight for your right to put up a nativity scene, but they'll fight for the right of the local freak who wants to stumble onto the scene and have sex with one of the sheep. — Dennis Miller

But the biggest fake of the year, Paul Begala's last smile — Dennis Miller

Hey Deion, Bubbelah - maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe? — Dennis Miller

We are living in the era of the violent do-gooder. — Dennis Miller

Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in. — Dennis Miller

The second type you have at these parades seems to be the people who want to mislabel Hitler. Everybody in the world is Hitler. Bush is Hitler, Ashcroft is Hitler, Rumsfeld is Hitler. The only guy who isn't Hitler is the foreign guy with a mustache dropping people who disagree with him into the wood chipper. He's not Hitler. — Dennis Miller

I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks ... IN A STARBUCKS!!! — Dennis Miller

Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light-years- a group of aliens so intelligent, so insouciant, so utterly above it all, they feel no need whatsoever to equip their spacecraft with windows so that they can gaze out on all that celestial beauty-but then immediately upon landing, their first impulse is to get in some hick's ass with a flashlight. — Dennis Miller

Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day. — Dennis Miller