David Walliams Quotes & Sayings

Run to the local bookshop and buy a copy of How to Learn Mind Control in Ten Minutes by Professor Stephen Haste and very quickly hypnotise Miss Spite into thinking he had already given her his homework. Disguise himself as a plate of spaghetti Bolognese. Bribe the school nurse into telling Miss Spite he had died. — David Walliams

Comfort eating or pure greed? Most likely a mixture of both. Pieces of cake or biscuits or chocolate could instantly sweeten the sourness of my life. If you have been called gay all day in the playground, a cake when you returned home from school offered some consolation. A fairy cake of course. — David Walliams

I know some of my parents' friends think 'Little Britain' is in incredibly poor taste. But swimming the Channel? You can't really say anything negative about that, can you? There's nothing better than making your parents happy. The glee on my father's face that day was amazing. — David Walliams

Children's books are often seen as the poor relation of literature. But children are just as demanding as adult readers, if not more so. I should know. I'm a children's writer myself. — David Walliams

I don't get recognized much, and am very happy with that. The fans I have met have all been delightful. — David Walliams

Smelly cheese, blue cheese, runny cheese, MOULDY CHEESE, cheesy cheese. — David Walliams

Zoe also knew her stepmother did not love her. Or even like her very much. In truth, Zoe was pretty sure her stepmother hated her. Sheila treated her at worst as an irritant, at best as if she were invisible. — David Walliams

The one good thing about our school was the Cadets; I chose to be in the Navy, purely for the sailor's outfit. A pity we had to give them back. — David Walliams

Than a whiff. And a whiff can be enough to make your nose wrinkle. It wasn't — David Walliams

There's something about being a comedian that means you have to not be scared of failing because failing is part of the process. — David Walliams

A Waft of Cheese — David Walliams

Zoe had to do something or she would be roadkill. — David Walliams

Words are so rude I wouldn't dream of putting them in this book. — David Walliams

I don't have a lot to share with other men. My heart sinks when I get into a taxi and someone starts talking to me about football. — David Walliams

Impossible. It was as if she had been buried in sand from the neck down. — David Walliams

Unfortunately for Ben and Granny, it turns out that ancient poo does still pong.) — David Walliams

I still enjoy my life, and I feel like I've achieved enough things that if I never did anything again, I'd feel confident that I'd still have made my mark in some way. But maybe the self-loathing bit is the element that makes you strive for more. Makes you strive to be better. — David Walliams

I've done panel shows, which I enjoy, and on those you're recording half-an-hour of TV and sometimes they film for two hours. But with 'Britain's Got Talent,' you're on camera for eight hours, with a large theatre audience watching - and in between you're being filmed for ITV2 as you eat your lunch. — David Walliams

Outside there was not a sound. The house had never been this — David Walliams

TV has lost a lot of its self-confidence as its power has been eroded by the internet. — David Walliams

Reality always outstrips fiction. Whatever you make up, something more incredible always pops up in real life. — David Walliams

I love telling stories. I love the intimacy between the writer and reader. When you write sketches it's over in two minutes. When you write a book the characters have to have a bit of emotional depth. — David Walliams

Social satire has been around since people have been around. — David Walliams

There's a sort of magic and music to comedy. Some words, some numbers even, are funnier than others. A Caramac bar, for instance, is funnier than a Milky Way. — David Walliams

I love wearing drag. — David Walliams

We sort of expect to see men in women's clothes. It's part of our culture. The key thing is, it has to be done quite badly. — David Walliams

Happy Birthday, Dad!" exclaimed Dennis and John excitedly. "I don't like birthdays," said Dad. — David Walliams

Nathaniel Septimus Ernest Bertram Lysander Tybalt Zacharias Edmund Alexander Humphrey Percy Quentin Tristan Augustus Bartholomew Tarquin Imogen Sebastian Theodore Clarence Smythe. — David Walliams

I think all those rules are boring. About what people can and can't wear. Surely everyone should be able to wear whatever they like? — David Walliams

Show, Trisha. Dennis had seen a Trisha episode about people with depression, and thought maybe his dad had that. Dennis loved Trisha. It was a daytime talk show where ordinary people were given the opportunity to talk about their problems, or yell abuse at their relatives, and it was all presided over by a kindly looking but judgemental woman conveniently called ... Trisha. For a while Dennis thought life without his mum would be some kind of adventure. He'd stay up late, eat take-aways and watch rude comedy shows. However, as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, and the months turned into years, he realised that it wasn't an adventure at all. — David Walliams

In his dreams he would be a hero. In his life he felt like a zero. — David Walliams

What I still don't get though," ventured John. "Is why you did it?"
"Did what?"
"Put that dress on in the first place."
"I don't know really," said Dennis, a puzzled look crossing his face. "I suppose it's because it was fun."
"Fun?" said John.
"Well you know when we were younger and we used to run around the garden pretending to be Daleks or Spiderman or whatever?"
"Yeah."
"It felt like that. Like playing," said Dennis confidently. — David Walliams

Or perhaps even the world, noses were pushed up against the glass so they looked like a tribe of pig-children. — David Walliams

Pizza Hut, and then Pizza Express, before seeking sanctuary in the doorway of a Domino's Pizza. — David Walliams

Sometimes you meet people who can't swim. And I always think: 'Oh my God, that's extraordinary.' For me, it's always been a treat ... I just feel really happy in the water. — David Walliams

I haven't put much effort into my personal life and blithely believe it will turn out all right in the end. — David Walliams

It's important when you're married not to forget those things you used to do when you were trying to get her to marry you. You can't send flowers and buy gifts then, when you're married, say, 'Right, get my tea on'. That doesn't go down well. So you've got to keep that level of interest going. — David Walliams

Ricky Gervais would have you believe otherwise, but Sacha Baron Cohen is the most successful British comedian in the world. — David Walliams

I don't have a fear factor. Well, not much of one. And I'm willing to risk quite a lot - as a comedian, you're always risking a lot. You're risking failure, especially if you're improvising and going on TV shows trying to make comedy out of thin air. That is quite a risky business. — David Walliams

The Midnight Gang — David Walliams

I have always liked shows that have laughter in them. — David Walliams

I am a huge fan of 'Doctor Who.' — David Walliams

People think writing a children's book is something you could do in an afternoon but it's actually really hard. — David Walliams

I'm not a political thinker, but I've just always thought of myself as a Labour supporter. I was a great fan of Tony Blair. He sent me a letter before I swam the Channel to wish me luck. — David Walliams

I don't think comedy is necessarily an attack. It's finding humour in life. I don't think if you're making a joke about something you're automatically demeaning it. — David Walliams

I can't see why anyone would want to be in politics because you get so much criticism. — David Walliams

It's a weird thing because I've been single at the time when I've been successful. That's good and bad. Good, because you meet lots of people, bad because your privacy is infringed, so it's harder to develop things. — David Walliams

Plank to base. I require urgent backup. Repeat. Urgent backup. Am knackered. Repeat. Knackered. And can you pick me up a bag of ready salted crisps on the way? Repeat. Ready salted crisps. Urgent. Over. — David Walliams

Just to check she's not going out." "Going — David Walliams

My favourite restaurant of all time is Mildreds on London's Lexington Street. It's a little vegetarian restaurant and is really fun and healthy, too. It was the first place I went to in London and really liked. That was 20 years ago, and it is still my favourite. — David Walliams

I would recommend that anyone who wants to do comedy on TV to do radio first. — David Walliams

It's strange how sometimes you can be so happy it goes all the way round to sadness. — David Walliams

I'm terribly attention-seeking. It's very different once you get all this attention, though. Because then you want to control it. And you can't exactly. — David Walliams

All human life can be found in an airport. — David Walliams

My name is Mr Bread." He began writing his name neatly on the board. "But you can call me Peter."
Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred.
"Pita Bread!" proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the back. — David Walliams

The most used piece of kit in my kitchen is my saucepan. I use it every morning to cook my porridge in. The least used piece of equipment? I'd say a food mixer. I've never used it, I don't really know what they're for. — David Walliams

BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB!" The chants grew louder and louder. "BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB!" They started clapping in time now. "BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! — David Walliams

I know somebody from university who's called Phil Collins, and I think there's something terribly unfortunate about sharing a name with somebody who either is famous or becomes famous. — David Walliams

It was a long, long time since anyone had hugged him, so he hugged himself. — David Walliams

I was the kind of person who got bullied and loved the attention of it. — David Walliams

I just want to be happy, have kids, enjoy my life, help others and create some good work. — David Walliams

When you are doing endurance swimming you just need to take in as many carbs as possible to put on as much weight as you can. Basically you can eat whatever you want, which can be quite fun. Everything is guilt-free. — David Walliams

All our lives are hard in one way or another ... But listen to me ... We need to be kind to each other, and stick together, OK? This place is tough enough without you making my life a misery. — David Walliams

No more watching that show Small England or whatever it's called where those two idiots dress up as 'laydees'. It's a bad influence. — David Walliams

You mustn't let bullies get you down. — David Walliams

But children nowadays don't believe in magic. They are forever watching TV and playing computer games. They never look to the skies any more. — David Walliams

I have a pathological fear of being on my own. When I'm with my own thoughts, I start to unravel myself, and I start to think really dark thoughts, self-destructive thoughts. — David Walliams

All you can do in this life is follow your dreams. Otherwise you're just wasting your time. — David Walliams

As a teenager I was both prurient and prudish. I was so full of self-loathing that in my mind it was unthinkable that any girl would ever want me. I hated everything about myself.
The way I looked.
How I spoke.
Even how I thought.
In my head I believed myself to be completely and utterly unworthy of love.
My life had only just begun but I felt that I had already ruined it. — David Walliams

Adults always ask kids how they are doing at school. The one subject kids absolutely hate talking about. You don't even want to talk about school when you are at school. — David Walliams

I thrive off the company of others, I love being sociable. — David Walliams

I've noticed that once you leave London you do kind of become a bit more famous. People in London are a bit too cool for school. It's not so unusual to see someone from London in the street. But outside of London people are a bit more excited to see you and come out and support you. — David Walliams

Speeding around his own private racetrack in his own Formula One racing car. Some — David Walliams

Spending so much time alone had turned Chloe's imagination into a deep dark forest. It was a magical place to escape to, and so much more thrilling than real life. — David Walliams

Perhaps Mother was trying to shame her into losing weight. In truth, it only made Chloe more miserable, and being miserable only made her eat more. Filling herself up with chocolate, crisps and cake felt like being given a much-needed hug. — David Walliams

I haven't traditionally been a family entertainer. — David Walliams

The Duchess looked at Chloe with a look that said, You had the chance to tell him, but you chose to carry on the lie.
How do I know that the Duchess's look said this? Because there is an excellent book in my local library entitled One Thousand Doggy Expressions Explained by Professor L. Stone.
I digress. — David Walliams

It can be difficult to be subtle and not cartoony in prosthetics. But when you see characters like Bubbles and Desiree from 'Little Britain' on screen, it makes all the hard work worth it. It's such fun watching those transformations. — David Walliams

GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM YOU VILE LITTLE GIRL! AND TAKE THAT DISGUSTING CREATURE WITH YOU!" snarled the teacher. — David Walliams

Oh it's just my breakfast, Lisa. A couple of bags of Maltesers, a Toblerone, a Bounty, Jelly Tots, some Skips, seven bags of Monster Munch, Raj was doing a special offer on those, a box of Creme Eggs, and a can of Diet Coke. — David Walliams

He seemed lonely too, not just alone, but lonely in his soul. That made Chloe sad. She knew full well what it was like to feel lonely. Chloe didn't like school very much. Mother had insisted on sending her to a posh all-girls secondary school, and she hadn't made any friends there. Chloe didn't like being at home much either. Wherever she was she had the feeling that she didn't quite fit in. — David Walliams

I was born in 1971, and Tom Baker was sort of my obsession as a kid and that's why we got him to do the voice over for 'Little Britain' because I was actually obsessed with Tom Baker. — David Walliams

It was impossible to sleep. Anxiety stopped me from falling asleep; depression woke me up. — David Walliams

You can't go on running forever ... " "And you can't go on ... " Alfie desperately searched for the right word, " ... mopedding* forever! — David Walliams

I used to have a silk dressing gown an uncle bought in Japan and when I came downstairs in it, my dad used to call me Davinia. There was never embarrassment about that kind of thing. My sister used to dress me up a lot. She thought I was a little doll. — David Walliams

It's easier not to make a particular joke in case it offends. But every joke will offend someone, and I've always believed that the audience is bigger than one person. The danger is that things will become bland. — David Walliams

A bully can only make you feel bad about yourself if you let them. — David Walliams

I was depressed as a child. I found it hard to make friends. My favourite thing was locking myself in the bathroom and practising comedy routines. — David Walliams

In Britain, a cup of tea is the answer to every problem.
Fallen off your bicycle? Nice cup of tea.
Your house has been destroyed by a meteorite? Nice cup of tea and a biscuit.
Your entire family has been eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex that has travelled through a space/time portal? Nice cup of tea and a piece of cake. Possibly a savoury option would be welcome here too, for example a Scotch egg or a sausage roll. — David Walliams

When I was a child I devoured every book I could get my hands on. I loved losing myself in colourful and dramatic stories - and my absolute favourite was 'Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.' Everything about it electrified me, and when I re-read Roald Dahl's books as an adult it surprised me. — David Walliams

I've just swum the length of the Thames. I feel quite tired. — David Walliams

I was quite fat as a kid. And swimming is a sport you can enjoy whatever size you are. If you're fat, running is a pain. I'm not really built for running. — David Walliams

When I want comfort food, I buy Maltesers. I like all chocolates, but especially those. You can eat them, and because they're so light, you can convince yourself that they are not actually that fattening. — David Walliams

Definitely I love women, I love being around women, I find them incredible and intoxicating, and I've never had that feeling I get with women with a man. — David Walliams

I don't know what I'll be like when I'm 60. I already have the traits of a retired gentleman. — David Walliams

Brain of Britain!" "If — David Walliams

Wife has put me on a strict diet so I am only allowed fruit for breakfast now, announced Raj as he unwrapped a Terry — David Walliams

It was very exciting to see Alan Sugar, so I think I've peaked with excitement for the evening, because I'm a massive Apprentice fan. — David Walliams

The loose skin on her face had been lifted. Her nose was smaller. Her teeth were capped. The lines on her forehead had been erased. Her eye bags had disappeared. Her wrinkles had gone. Her breasts were much, much bigger. But she was still limping. — David Walliams

We sit in a room for months trying to think of funny things. — David Walliams