David Thorne Quotes & Sayings

Charity is detrimental unless it helps the recipient become independent of it. — David Thorne

Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense. — David Thorne

Is the guy in the wheelchair in Glee acting or is he a real parallelogram? — David Thorne

I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. — David Thorne

The four seasons in Australia consist of "fuck it's hot," "Can you believe how fucking hot it is?", "I won't be in today because it is too fucking hot" and "Yes, the dinner plate size spiders come inside to escape from the heat. That is a fucking whopper though. — David Thorne

Should check the Internet and make sure everything on there is correct. — David Thorne

I understand the need for conformity. Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense. Discipline is the key to conformity, and it is important that we learn not to question authority at an early age. — David Thorne

Instead of finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the sidewalk at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident reports 'Cause of accident?' I stated, 'time travel attempt' but she wrote down 'stupidity'. — David Thorne

Like a priest carrying home their first computer after hearing about child pornography on the internet, I was practically foaming at the mouth in anticipation during the drive to the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum. — David Thorne

Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated "I am interested in your nipples" or not. — David Thorne

Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom, but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible, so I would appreciate your not filling his head with these fanciful notions. — David Thorne

I purchased one of those electronic things that plugs into the wall that is meant to scare cockroaches by sending a pulse through the apartment wiring, but while it has reduced the numbers, it seems some have evolved to feed off the electrical signal, increasing their size. I am using one as a coffee table in the lounge and two smaller ones as side tables in the bedroom. They would probably be susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning, though, so I will try running a hose pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. It is apparently an odorless gas so should not prove an issue for my son's Cub group sleepover.
Also, I read somewhere once that cockroaches can survive a nuclear attack, so I have been collecting the dead ones and intend to glue several thousand to the walls thereby ensuring my survival should Cyberdyne Systems become self-aware between now and when the lease runs out. — David Thorne

At one point, Joylene (a large woman from HR with four framed photos of her cats and one of her deceased father holding a trout on her desk) actually stated, "Ooo, I love Excel." Who says, "Ooo, I love Excel."? How is it even a sentence? Each time Joylene had a question, she waved her pen, with a huge rainbow colored feather taped to the end, above her head while making excited "uh, uh, um, uh" noises. "Yes, Joylene?" "If I want my columns color coded, am I able to mix my own preferred range of blues from a palette or do I have to select from the four-thousand shades of blue it already has?" "And that, your Honor, is when the defendant leapt across the desk. I enter into evidence the rainbow feather pen." If there ever comes a time where I'm typing numbers into boxes and decide I'd really like those boxes with numbers to be a specific shade of blue, it will be time to turn off the computer, pack my things, and start a fire. — David Thorne

In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming. — David Thorne

It is not necessary to attempt a resolution when it is self-resolving. — David Thorne

While I do not have a boyfriend, I do have a friend who is homosexual and I once asked him "Do you ever think about having sex with me because you are gay?" to which he replied "Do you ever think about having sex with Rosie O'Donnell because you are straight? Same thing. — David Thorne

How about you agree to waive the fine and I promise not to e-mail you the remaining eighty-six photos of my dog dressed as a bear? — David Thorne

Copywriting basically consists of taking something dreadful, putting it in a box with a shiny ribbon, and presenting it to someone. Any disappointment the recipient has upon opening the box is entirely due to their own high expectations and therefore their fault. — David Thorne

that may be a bit of stretch as I'd obviously prefer to play Trivial Pursuit than spend the night in a spider cave or give a hobo a rimjob, but you get the point. — David Thorne

kept gloves in the car so I could stop and take rocks if nobody was looking. — David Thorne

Holly, there's a raccoon on the back deck." "Really? What's it doing?" "Eating tika masala and naan. — David Thorne

I do not own any camping gear, but this is not a problem, as I have watched every season of Survivor. — David Thorne

According to Holly, it's like the bank in It's a Wonderful Life but I don't watch black and white movies because I own a colour television and it's not 1945 so I'll have to take her word on it. — David Thorne

The old man dance, where I tense up, shuffle my feet intermittently, complain about the music volume, and sit down for a rest. — David Thorne

I love Star Wars as much as the next person, don't get me wrong, I just have better things to do than learn to speak Wookiee. — David Thorne

You can't trust girls. When I get a girlfriend I am not going to tell her where I live or work. — David Thorne

I was commissioned to write copy for an annual publication produced by Top Tourist Parks of Australia. After a print run of seventy-five thousand and distribution throughout Australia and New Zealand, it was discovered that I had left the letter v out of the word 'dive' and the introduction for a family beach resort activity read, Die with your children. A new world awaits. — David Thorne

I once tried to implement an office procedure where, at 4.30pm each day, everyone would insult each other for fifteen minutes and then, for the last fifteen minutes of each day, apologise to each person for what had been said. This way, everyone would leave happy with all issues sorted. It did not go down well. Two formal complaints were made and the secretary locked herself in the toilet and cried. Also, — David Thorne

Our production manager, Rebecca, sews outfits for her cat Jack. I'm not sure why. I guess she was just sitting around one day and thought, "Fuck this shit, I'm forty and single, time Jack had a Peter Pan costume. — David Thorne

I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out, and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help. — David Thorne