David Cross Quotes & Sayings

As far as just my stand-up is concerned, I don't care about changing anyone's mind. I'm not making an argument. I'm a guy doing comedy. — David Cross

If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat. — David Cross

If there are a couple of adjectives people use to describe me, anger is usually in there. I've never taken that as criticism. It's the way I naturally communicate. But I'm not faux-angry, like Lewis Black, or angry like a gun-toting crazy person. I'm just angry in a mild way - it's not like I'm going to do anything about it. — David Cross

'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together. — David Cross

I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star. — David Cross

In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around. — David Cross

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine. — David Cross

There is also a kind of mean-spiritedness with LA comics. — David Cross

Ive got a lot of friends there and there is stuff to do but as much as I dislike LA I really like living and working in New York City. — David Cross

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically. — David Cross

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced. — David Cross

As for Tenacious D, of course it could work as a full length movie; all it requires is a great writer and great director with an ability to think outside of conventional film comedy. — David Cross

My biggest problem is retaining the exact information. — David Cross

I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous. — David Cross

I've never thought of myself as a hoity-toity cultural critic. — David Cross

I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other. — David Cross

Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the funniest shows on TV and I was a little intimidated working with those guys 'cause you're in a sound booth by yourself and they're all in a room in Atlanta. — David Cross

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men ... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight. — David Cross

It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny. — David Cross

A verbose, prosaic review which mentions whistling winds and the timeless feeling of jade doesn't mean anything to me; I don't need a novella telling me about how an album is like a fine meal. — David Cross

I recently attended a pro-drug rally ... in my basement. — David Cross

It's a lot of anti-gay, racist humor - which people like in America - all couched in 'I'm telling it like it is.' He's in the right place at the right time for that gee-shucks, proud-to-be-a-redneck, I'm-just-a-straight-shooter-multimillionaire-in-cutoff-flannel-selling-ring-tones act. That's where we are as a nation now. We're in a state of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride. — David Cross

I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years. — David Cross

There were a number of referendums in '98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That's very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views. — David Cross

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner. — David Cross

Most people who have kids are, "Hey, I want another me. I like me. I'm pretty cool, and I've got really great ideas, and the way I think is the right way to think. Let's put another one of me out there." — David Cross

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat. — David Cross

Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush. — David Cross

I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate. — David Cross

I don't mean this to sound hyperbolic but there are increasingly, albeit really minor, similarities between now and how Germany was lulled into what happened pre-WW2. — David Cross

What happened to our friendship? I really think it's our obligation as friends to be brutally honest and be frank with them and say, 'Look, I'm sorry, but your baby is fking boring.' — David Cross

I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are ... — David Cross

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know ... — David Cross

It's just an easy catchall to describe a style because there are a lot of alternative comics who are completely different from each other. — David Cross

Originally they wanted me to be Buster but I really like the Tobias part. — David Cross

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins. — David Cross

I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end. — David Cross

There's quite an overlap between musicians - especially drummers - who have an affection and a proclivity towards comedy and comedians who fantasize about being in a band. And a lot of comics play instruments. — David Cross

Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about. — David Cross

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see ... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur. — David Cross

I was born Jewish, but I am an atheist. I dont believe in God. — David Cross

If people disagree with me and want to articulate it, that's not only their right but almost their obligation. — David Cross

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes ... you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?" — David Cross

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm — David Cross

It's not that I don't have kids for some personal reason outside of, I just haven't had kids. And I haven't met someone who wanted to, as far as I know. And perhaps I'm attracted to women who aren't ready to make that commitment just yet. — David Cross

I do lots of other drugs but I smoke pot maybe 5-10 times a year now. I used to smoke it all the time, but I don't, and I haven't for awhile. That's just because it makes me - and I'm not saying this about everybody else - but it makes me kind of dumb and self-conscious. — David Cross

I think people, for the most part, actually want what they think is best. — David Cross

You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat. — David Cross

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny! — David Cross

When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn. — David Cross

I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative — David Cross

I'm of the mindset that most people who have kids are, which is, 'Hey, I want another me. I like me. I'm pretty cool, and I've got really great ideas, and the way I think is the right way to think. Let's put another one of me out there.' So I'll have kids one day. — David Cross

I wonder if God cries. Or gets sad, even. Or happy. Or elated. Does he ever have a good belly laugh? Does he sense contentment? Does he feel pride or remorse? Is he stoic? We know from the Old Testament that he experiences bloodthirsty, murderous rage and fierce pride. He imbued mankind with all of these emotions, but it's hard to imagine him feeling any of these. It's almost a little embarrassing to think of him feeling jealousy. Of course he's WAY more advanced and evolved than we are. So I guess the ultimate stage of humanity is when we don't laugh or cry or experience emotion at all. God gave us laughter as a constant remind of what lesser-evolved beings humans are. Stupid humans! — David Cross

Hopefully people are upset for the reason I want them to be upset. Even when I was doing open mics, I've always had people upset. I've never been the consummate crowd-pleaser. — David Cross

I'm pretty happy. I obviously have complaints about things, but for the most part, I'm on the above-average side of happy people. — David Cross

I'm going to keep talking about what I think is interesting for my entire career. If you want to hear about how women do a lot of shoe shopping or how being married sucks, go see the guy who does jokes about that. But if you come to see my live show, there's going to be 20 minutes on religion for the rest of my life, probably. If that makes me a caricature, so be it. — David Cross

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage ... because I'm tolerant and rational. — David Cross

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English. — David Cross

I think I'd be a really good dad. So perhaps I'm doing society a disservice by not having as many kids as possible. — David Cross

I think I could have a funnier, more economic sets. But that's the comedy I do. And I understand if people aren't interested in it and would rather listen to someone else. But I'll never understand the anger people have toward me. — David Cross

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different. — David Cross

I don't think HBO would want to do anything in conjunction with Sub Pop but I never asked either. — David Cross

I have no hesitation doing children's movies. Zero. And I don't even have kids. — David Cross

Where my comedy really solidified was when Bush was elected. I couldn't understand how craven and crass he was, and how dumb other people were for electing him. — David Cross

I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at. — David Cross

I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright. — David Cross

There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me. — David Cross

So all my friends have kids now ... which I think is rude. — David Cross

Religion triggers a lot of emotions in me, most of which stem from being raised Jewish in a very Baptist community in the South. I didn't believe any of it from an early age - the clubby quality of whatever religion or church you belonged to, Judaism included. It just struck me as foolish. — David Cross

I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny. — David Cross

I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine. — David Cross

I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper. — David Cross

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people. — David Cross

Because I think whenever you sit down with another human being who would absolutely disagree with you on every issue, you learn about them as a person and you relate, in human terms, and it's much more difficult for either side to dismiss out of hand, like that person's a freak, that person's a Nazi. — David Cross

I'm very vocal about my belief that all religion is garbage. Most of my friends are religious or at least spiritual. These are people I like and I know are intelligent. It's this thing that I carry around. I know I'd be a better person if I was fairer, but it's at the core of who I am and what I believe. — David Cross

The best thing about me is there are no skeletons. — David Cross

I'd be curious to find out, but I don't think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically than anyone in the landscaping industry. — David Cross

Back when the Bible was written, then edited, then rewritten, then rewritten, then re-edited, then translated from dead languages, then re-translated, then edited, then rewritten, then given to kings for them to take their favorite parts, then rewritten, then re-rewritten, then translated again, then given to the pope for him to approve, then rewritten, then edited again, the re-re-re-re-rewritten again ... all based on stories that were told orally 30 to 90 years AFTER they happened.. to people who didnt know how to write ... so ... — David Cross

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people. — David Cross

What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids ... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate? — David Cross

I'd like to think that I'm not just making the point that I'm an atheist over and over, but that I explore different facets of religion. There's no way of bringing up religion without sounding like an asshole. — David Cross

I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage. — David Cross

You can't just yell jokes at people. — David Cross

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted. — David Cross

I've been coming to this circle for about five years, and measuring
it. The diameter and the circumference are constantly changing, but
the radius stays the same. Which brings me to the number 5. There are
five letters in the word Blaine. Now, if you mix up the letters in the
word Blaine, mix 'em around, eventually, you'll come up with Nebali.
Nebali. The name of a planet in a galaxy way, way, way... way far
away. And another thing. Once you go into that circle, the weather
never changes. It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain. — David Cross

It probably does make it more difficult to enjoy a good laugh at someone who's onstage, seemingly yelling at you. But I'm not yelling at the audience, I'm yelling at the world. It genuinely sucks if people are taking it that way. But I'm not talking to individuals. — David Cross

You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy. — David Cross

I guess the lesson to be learned from the [Catholic] church is that while homosexuality is a sin against GOD, molestation and rape, well... they're just sins against a child. — David Cross

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country. — David Cross