Daniel J. Siegel Quotes & Sayings

survive difficult parenting moments, and they want their kids and their family to thrive. As parents ourselves, we share these same goals for our own families. In our nobler, calmer, saner moments, we care about nurturing our kids' minds, increasing their sense of wonder, and helping them reach their — Daniel J. Siegel

We are always in a perpetual state of being created and creating ourselves. (p. 221) — Daniel J. Siegel

Reduce words Embrace emotions Describe, don't preach Involve your child in the discipline Reframe a no into a conditional yes Emphasize the positive Creatively approach the situation Teach mindsight tools — Daniel J. Siegel

But science and experience reveal that with self-reflection and understanding, non-ideal patterns we've adopted from our own pasts can be transformed. Be patient with yourself and with your family members. With kindness and understanding, to yourself and to others, change can be nurtured and good things can emerge. — Daniel J. Siegel

Physically and genetically, our brains may not have evolved much in the last forty thousand years - but our minds have. A baby born today would be much the same as a baby born tens of thousands of years ago. But if we were able to compare the intricate neural structure of an adult brain in today's modern society with that of an adult brain from forty thousand years ago, we'd find huge differences. — Daniel J. Siegel

One of the surprises that has shaken the very foundations of neuroscience is the discovery that the brain is actually "plastic," or moldable. This means that the brain physically changes throughout the course of our lives, not just in childhood, as we had previously assumed. What molds our brain? Experience. Even into old age, our experiences actually change the physical structure of the brain. — Daniel J. Siegel

avoid solving and resist rescuing, even when they make minor mistakes or not-so-great choices. — Daniel J. Siegel

Early experience shapes the structure and function of the brain. This reveals the fundamental way in which gene expression is determined by experience. — Daniel J. Siegel

Loss of someone we love cannot be adequately expressed with words. Grappling with loss, struggling with disconnection and despair, fills us with a sense of anguish and actual pain. Indeed, the parts of our brain that process physical pain overlap with the neural centers that record social ruptures and rejection. Loss rips us apart. — Daniel J. Siegel

By helping them understand the rules and limits in their respective environments, we help build their conscience. — Daniel J. Siegel

Having neurons wire together can be a good thing. A positive experience with a math teacher can lead to neural connections that link math with pleasure, accomplishment, and feeling good about yourself as a student. But the opposite is equally true. Negative experiences with a harsh instructor or a timed test and the anxiety that accompanies it can form connections in the brain that create a serious obstacle to the enjoyment not only of math and numbers, but exams and even school in general. — Daniel J. Siegel

when a child is upset, logic often won't work until we have responded to the right brain's emotional needs. We call this emotional connection "attunement," which is how we connect deeply with another person and allow them to "feel felt." When parent and child are tuned in to each other, they experience a sense of joining together. — Daniel J. Siegel

In a brain scan, relational pain - that caused by isolation during punishment - can look the same as physical abuse. Is alone in the corner the best place for your child? — Daniel J. Siegel

Interpersonal experience shapes the mind as it continues to develop throughout the lifespan ... Interactions with the environment, especially relationships with other people, directly shape the development of the brain's structure and function. — Daniel J. Siegel

There's a lot of scientific evidence demonstrating that focused attention leads to the reshaping of the brain. In animals rewarded for noticing sound (to hunt or to avoid being hunted, for example), we find much larger auditory centers in the brain. In animals rewarded for sharp eyesight, the visual areas are larger. Brain scans of violinists provide more evidence, showing dramatic growth and expansion in regions of the cortex that represent the left hand, which has to finger the strings precisely, often at very high speed. Other studies have shown that the hippocampus, which is vital for spatial memory, is enlarged in taxi drivers. The point is that the physical architecture of the brain changes according to where we direct our attention and what we practice doing. — Daniel J. Siegel

As children develop, their brains "mirror" their parent's brain. In other words, the parent's own growth and development, or lack of those, impact the child's brain. As parents become more aware and emotionally healthy, their children reap the rewards and move toward health as well. — Daniel J. Siegel

The changes during adolescence are not something to just get through; they are qualities we actually need to hold on to in order to live a full and meaningful life in adulthood. — Daniel J. Siegel

Say yes to the feelings, even as you say no to the behavior. — Daniel J. Siegel

This is the way we stimulate neuronal activation and growth - how we SNAG the brain toward a more vertically integrated state as we connect body to cortex with interoception. The more we focus our attention toward bodily sensations within our subjective experience in awareness, the more we activate the physical correlate of insula activation and subsequent growth. As — Daniel J. Siegel

We now know that the way to help a child develop optimally is to help create connections in her brain - her whole brain - that develop skills that lead to better relationships, better mental health, and more meaningful lives. You could call it brain sculpting, or brain nourishing, or brain building. Whatever phrase you prefer, the point is crucial, and thrilling: as a result of the words we use and the actions we take, children's brains will actually change, and be built, as they undergo new experiences. — Daniel J. Siegel

Rather than simply telling them what to do and demanding that they conform to your requests, you'll be giving them experiences that strengthen their executive functions and develop skills related to empathy, personal insight, and morality. — Daniel J. Siegel

this posterior firing of maps of the body represents a primary cortical representation and may involve the parietal lobe - a region that may turn out to play an important role in self-awareness and a sense of identity (for further — Daniel J. Siegel

While the days of parenting may seem so long, the years are so short. — Daniel J. Siegel

The human mind is a relational and embodied process that regulates the flow of energy and information. — Daniel J. Siegel

Mindfulness exercises produce literal changes in the brain's connections, significantly affecting how well a person interacts with other people and adapts to difficult situations. — Daniel J. Siegel

When we spend money on others, for example, we feel more content than when we spend money on ourselves. This is a kind of well-being rooted in meaning, connection, and equanimity - called eudaimonia by the ancient Greeks and in modern times perhaps called "inner" or "true" happiness. — Daniel J. Siegel

* Compassion (Res/App):A term with several meanings including "feeling with" another person, sensing another's pain, and even the enacting of behaviors to help reduce the suffering of others (as in an act of compassion). There is also a universal (nondirected) compassion, or a sense of care and concern toward the world of living beings. Compassion can also be toward the self, "self-compassion," and includes qualities of kindness, acceptance, feeling a part of a larger human journey, and letting go of judgments about the self. — Daniel J. Siegel

Too often we forget that discipline really means to teach, not to punish. A disciple is a student, not a recipient of behavioural consequences. — Daniel J. Siegel

At the most basic level, therefore, secure attachments in both childhood and adulthood are established by two individual's sharing a nonverbal focus on the energy flow (emotional states) and a verbal focus on the information-processing aspects (representational processes of memory and narrative) of mental life. The matter of the mind matters for secure attachments. — Daniel J. Siegel

Each of us needs periods in which our minds can focus inwardly. Solitude is an essential experience for the mind to organize its own processes and create an internal state of resonance. In such a state, the self is able to alter its constraints by directly reducing the input from interactions with others. (p. 235) — Daniel J. Siegel

Mindful awareness / Mindful (Res):Awareness of present-moment experience, with intention and purpose, without grasping on to judgments. Traits of being mindful are having an open stance toward oneself and others, emotional equanimity, and the ability to describe the inner world of the mind. — Daniel J. Siegel

children whose parents talk with them about their experiences tend to have better access to the memories of those experiences. Parents who speak with their children about their feelings have children who develop emotional intelligence and can understand their own and other people's feelings more fully. Shy children whose parents nurture a sense of courage by offering supportive explorations of the world tend to lose their behavioral inhibition, — Daniel J. Siegel

Given that the limbic area shapes how we appraise the meaning of events, knowing the hand model and seeing the limbic area's distinct location from the higher areas of the cortex can help us realize that sometimes a "feeling" is indeed not a fact. — Daniel J. Siegel

Emotion is not just some "primitive" remnant of an earlier reptilian evolutionary past. Emotion directs the flow of activation (energy) and establishes the meaning of representations (information processing) for the individual. It is not a single, isolated group of processes; it has a direct impact on th entire mind. (p. 263) — Daniel J. Siegel

The healthy move to adulthood is toward interdependence, not complete "do-it-yourself" isolation. — Daniel J. Siegel

Everything they see, hear, feel, touch, or even smell impacts their brain and thus influences the way they view and interact with their world - including their family, neighbors, strangers, friends, classmates, and even themselves. — Daniel J. Siegel

Effective discipline means that we're not only stopping a bad behavior or promoting a good one, but also teaching skills and nurturing the connections in our children's brains that will help them make better decisions and handle themselves well in the future. — Daniel J. Siegel

One of the key practical lessons of modern neuroscience is that the power to direct our attention has within it the power to shape our brain's firing patterns, as well as the power to shape the architecture of the brain itself. — Daniel J. Siegel

As scientists put it, the brain is plastic, or moldable. Yes, the actual physical architecture of the brain changes based on what happens to us. — Daniel J. Siegel

We get trapped in power struggles. When our kids feel backed into a corner, they instinctually fight back or totally shut down. So avoid the trap. Consider giving your child an out: "Would you like to get a drink first, and then we'll pick up the toys?" Or negotiate: "Let's see if we can figure out a way for both of us to get what we need." (Obviously, there are some non-negotiables, but negotiation isn't a sign of weakness; it's a sign of respect for your child and her desires.) You can even ask your child for help: "Do you have any suggestions?" You might be shocked to find out how much your child is willing to bend in order to bring about a peaceful resolution to the standoff. — Daniel J. Siegel

Internal mental experience is not the product of a photographic process. Internal reality is in fact constructed by the brain as it interacts with the environment in the present, in the context of its past experiences and expectancies of the future. At the level of perceptual categorizations, we have reached a land of mental representations quite distant from the layers of the world just inches away from their place inside the skull. This is the reason why each of us experiences a unique way of minding the world. (pp. 166-167) — Daniel J. Siegel

The best predictor of a child's security of attachment is not what happened to his parents as children, but rather how his parents made sense of those childhood experiences. — Daniel J. Siegel

Recent studies of mindfulness practices reveal that they can result in profound improvements in a range of physiological, mental, and interpersonal domains in our lives. Cardiac, endocrine, and immune functions are improved with mindfulness practices. Empathy, compassion, and interpersonal sensivity seem to be improved. People who come to develop the capacity to pay attention in the present moment without grasping on to their inevitable judgments also develop a deeper sense of well-being and what can be considered a form of mental coherence. — Daniel J. Siegel

Mindfulness has never met a cognition it didn't like. — Daniel J. Siegel

For "full" emotional communication, one person needs to allow his state of mind to be influenced by that of the other. — Daniel J. Siegel

State integration involves linkage in at least three different dimensions of our lives. The first level of integration is between our different states - the "inter" dimension. We must accept our multiplicity, the fact that we can show up quite differently in our athletic, intellectual, sexual, spiritual - or many other - states. A heterogeneous collection of states is completely normal in us humans. The key to well-being is collaboration across states, not some rigidly homogeneous unity. The notion that we can have a single, totally consistent way of being is both idealistic and unhealthy. — Daniel J. Siegel

In my mind I'm driven by mirror neurons. Can't you just see intention Can't you just feel emotion. Ain't it just like history to sneak up from behind 'Cause I'm driven by mirror neurons in my mind. There's a holy host of others gathered between us. Maybe we're on the dark side of the road And it seems like it goes on and on forever. You must forgive me 'Cause in my mind I'm driven by mirror neurons. — Daniel J. Siegel

We might even purposely create time for boredom on a summer day, so they have to go to the garage and see what interesting fun they can have with a pulley, some rope, and a roll of duct tape. — Daniel J. Siegel

That's what integration does: it coordinates and balances the separate regions of the brain that it links together. It's easy to see when our kids aren't integrated - they become overwhelmed by their emotions, confused and chaotic. They can't respond calmly and capably to the situation at hand. Tantrums, meltdowns, aggression, and most of the other challenging experiences of parenting - and life - are a result of a loss of integration, also known as dis-integration. — Daniel J. Siegel

When we begin to know ourselves in an open and self-supportive way, we take the first step to encourage our children to know themselves — Daniel J. Siegel

While group collaboration can certainly be a source of collective intelligence, it can also get you to jump off a cliff or drive too fast. And that's probably why some form of continued connection to the adults and their adult perspectives still exists in traditional cultures, and even in our animal cousins. Without adults around, young adolescents can literally go wild. — Daniel J. Siegel

As parents become more aware and emotionally healthy, their children reap the rewards and move toward health as well. That means that integrating and cultivating your own brain is one of the most loving and generous gifts you can give your children. Another — Daniel J. Siegel

If we use how we were taught yesterday to teach our children today, we are not preparing them well for tomorrow. — Daniel J. Siegel

The number of possible "on-off" patterns of neuronal firing is immense, estimated as a staggering ten times ten one million times (ten to the millionth power). The brain is obviously capable of an imponderably huge variety of activity; the fact that it is often organized and functional is quite an accomplishment! — Daniel J. Siegel

Between the two. Harmony emerges from integration. Chaos and rigidity arise when integration is blocked. — Daniel J. Siegel

We must keep in mind that only a part of memory can be translated into the language-based packets of information people use to tell their life stories to others. Learning to be open to many layers of communication is a fundamental part of getting to know another person's life. — Daniel J. Siegel

Inviting our thoughts and feelings into awareness allows us to learn from them rather than be driven by them. — Daniel J. Siegel

brain imaging studies show that the experience of physical pain and the experience of relational pain, like rejection, look very similar in terms of location of brain activity. — Daniel J. Siegel

So the more we give our kids practice at considering how someone else feels or experiences a situation, the more empathic and caring they will become. — Daniel J. Siegel

(If you're in a public place and your child is disturbing everyone around you, it may be necessary to take him outside while you attempt to appeal to his upstairs brain.) — Daniel J. Siegel

Integration is not the same as blending. Integration requires that we maintain elements of our differentiated selves while also promoting our linkage. Becoming a part of a "we: does not mean losing a "me." Integration as a focus of intervention among a range of domains of integration becomes the fundamental basis for how we apply interpersonal neurobiology principles to the nurturing of healthy relationships. — Daniel J. Siegel

The amygdala, along with related areas ... , plays a crucial role in coordinating perceptions with memory and behavior. These regions are especially sensitive to social interactions. — Daniel J. Siegel

WHAT IS INTEGRATION AND WHY DOES IT MATTER? Most of us don't think about the fact that our brain has many different parts with different jobs. For example, you have a left side of — Daniel J. Siegel

From early infancy, it appears that our ability to regulate emotional states depends upon the experience of feeling that a significant person in our life is simultaneously experiencing a similar state of mind. — Daniel J. Siegel

Mindsight is a teachable skill at the heart of being empathic and insightful, moral and compassionate. — Daniel J. Siegel

Grief allows you to let go of something you have lost only when you begin to accept what you now have in its place. As our mind clings to the familiar, to our established expectations, we can become trapped in feelings of disappointment, confusion, anger, that create our own internal worlds of suffering. — Daniel J. Siegel

Writing in a journal activates the narrator function of our minds. Studies have suggested that simply writing down our account of a challenging experience can lower physiological reactivity and increase our sense of well-being, even if we never show what we've written to anyone else. — Daniel J. Siegel

For example, one of the most powerful ways we connect with our children is simply by physically touching them. — Daniel J. Siegel

Curiosity is the cornerstone of effective discipline. — Daniel J. Siegel

To state this more succinctly, awareness of the body's state influences how we organize our lives. Knowing your body strengthens your mind. — Daniel J. Siegel

If the sponge (mirror) neurons are our receiver, then our subcortical areas are the amplifier. These subcortical shifts are what changes in us when we attune to someone else. — Daniel J. Siegel

When parents don't take responsibility for their own unfinished business, they miss an opportunity not only to become better parents but also to continue their own development. People who remain in the dark about the origins of their behaviors and intense emotional responses are unaware of their unresolved issues and the parental ambivalence they create. — Daniel J. Siegel

Mindfulness is a form of mental activity that trains the mind to become aware of awareness itself and to pay attention to one's own intention. — Daniel J. Siegel

If you have a fight with yourself, who can win? — Daniel J. Siegel

It's also crucial to keep in mind that no matter how nonsensical and frustrating our child's feelings may seem to us, they are real and important to our child. It's vital that we treat them as such in our response. — Daniel J. Siegel

While many different animal species have nervous systems that enable anticipation of events - for example, learning that a flashing light is associated with a reward in a conditioned learning experiment - planning for the future seems to be a prefrontal invention. — Daniel J. Siegel

Wonderful!Hold Me Tight blends the best in research findings with practical suggestions from a caring and compassionate clinician. This fabulous book will be of great benefitto couples trying to find their way to better communication and deeper, more fulfilling ways of being with each other. Bravo! — Daniel J. Siegel

Our dreams and stories may contain implicit aspects of our lives even without our awareness. In fact, storytelling may be a primary way in which we can linguistically communicate to others - as well as to ourselves - the sometimes hidden contents of our implicitly remembering minds. Stories make available perspectives on the emotional themes of our implicit memory that may otherwise be consciously unavailable to us. This may be one reason why journal writing and intimate communication with others, which are so often narrative processes, have such powerful organizing effects on the mind: They allow us to modulate our emotions and make sense of the world. — Daniel J. Siegel

This is the PART we play in helpful communication. PART means that we are present, attune, resonate, and create trust. — Daniel J. Siegel

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them become what they are capable of being. — Daniel J. Siegel

Not all encounters with the world affect the mind equally. Studies have demonstrated that if the brain appraises an event as "meaningful," it will be more likely to be recalled in the future. — Daniel J. Siegel