Dane Cook Quotes & Sayings

I'm not racist, I've got a black president. — Dane Cook

I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58. — Dane Cook

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people. — Dane Cook

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat ... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead. — Dane Cook

I'm really great in other peoples relationships. — Dane Cook

I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin! — Dane Cook

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act. — Dane Cook

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day. — Dane Cook

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny. — Dane Cook

I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage. — Dane Cook

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you. — Dane Cook

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations. — Dane Cook

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car ... Nailed! — Dane Cook

Because of what I experienced when I was a kid, I want kids to have that kind of an epiphany moment, that little jolt, that little spark that they see when Dusty ['Planes'] flies higher than he has before. That scene where he flies straight up, and he's starting to get dizzy, and then finally it comes together. We forget as adults. We get jaded and we think that's kids' stuff, but for a kid who doesn't know about anything technical or how a movie is made, they're just going to see this and hear this beautiful score and see this dynamic, fantastical thing happening in front of them. — Dane Cook

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable. — Dane Cook

Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru? — Dane Cook

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies. — Dane Cook

I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail & hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit & thrive — Dane Cook

Onstage, it's all just a heightened and more elaborate version of me. When you're standing onstage, your adrenaline is going, your enthusiasm is at full tilt, and the excitement helps elevate you're attitude. I've always wanted to be as close to myself offstage, being funny with my buddies, and that's what I've worked hard on - being authentic to who I really am. — Dane Cook

I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers. — Dane Cook

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter. — Dane Cook

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak. — Dane Cook

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them. — Dane Cook

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you. — Dane Cook

I'm going to hell, ah ... but you're laughing, so you're coming. — Dane Cook

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room? — Dane Cook

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot! — Dane Cook

I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing. — Dane Cook

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes. — Dane Cook

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic. — Dane Cook

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.' — Dane Cook

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person. — Dane Cook

I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering. — Dane Cook

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today. — Dane Cook

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch. — Dane Cook

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry? — Dane Cook

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity. — Dane Cook

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance. — Dane Cook

You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage. — Dane Cook

Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote. — Dane Cook

I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy. — Dane Cook

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time. — Dane Cook

My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another. — Dane Cook

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi. — Dane Cook

I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space. — Dane Cook

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show. — Dane Cook

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50. — Dane Cook

My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice. — Dane Cook

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh. — Dane Cook

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?' — Dane Cook

You can't teach an old hater new truths. — Dane Cook

I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges. — Dane Cook

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off." — Dane Cook

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning. — Dane Cook

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related. — Dane Cook

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face. — Dane Cook

I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest. — Dane Cook

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man. — Dane Cook

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story. — Dane Cook

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly? — Dane Cook

Time machine ... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back ... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha! — Dane Cook

I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth. — Dane Cook

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ. — Dane Cook

On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes. — Dane Cook

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it. — Dane Cook

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such. — Dane Cook

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head. — Dane Cook

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it. — Dane Cook

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian. — Dane Cook

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens. — Dane Cook

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more. — Dane Cook

A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands. — Dane Cook

When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true. — Dane Cook

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit. — Dane Cook

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got. — Dane Cook

I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that. — Dane Cook

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it. — Dane Cook

When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?' — Dane Cook

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT. — Dane Cook

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting. — Dane Cook

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop. — Dane Cook

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more. — Dane Cook

I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities. — Dane Cook

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching. — Dane Cook

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls. — Dane Cook

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win. — Dane Cook

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you. — Dane Cook

There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair. — Dane Cook

Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on. — Dane Cook

There's estrogen running through my veins! — Dane Cook

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones. — Dane Cook

There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person. — Dane Cook

When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion. — Dane Cook

As a comedian, I am obligated to tell you the truth, my truth. To share with you my beliefs, my perspective. And I think that we forget sometimes that that's the oath that comics take, that we will go up and share everything - the irreverent, the scary. — Dane Cook

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias. — Dane Cook

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind. — Dane Cook

I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle. — Dane Cook

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever. — Dane Cook

How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions. — Dane Cook

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh. — Dane Cook