Dana Gould Quotes & Sayings

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice. — Dana Gould

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much. — Dana Gould

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life. — Dana Gould

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look ... great? — Dana Gould

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten. — Dana Gould

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible. — Dana Gould

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison. — Dana Gould

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick! — Dana Gould

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions. — Dana Gould

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go? — Dana Gould

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork? — Dana Gould

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper. — Dana Gould

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it. — Dana Gould

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack. — Dana Gould

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew! — Dana Gould

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion. — Dana Gould

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart. — Dana Gould

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times. — Dana Gould

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding. — Dana Gould

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes. — Dana Gould

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised ... — Dana Gould

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day. — Dana Gould

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail. — Dana Gould

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman. — Dana Gould

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend. — Dana Gould

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex! — Dana Gould

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with. — Dana Gould

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone. — Dana Gould

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty. — Dana Gould

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off. — Dana Gould

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist. — Dana Gould

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy. — Dana Gould

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'. — Dana Gould

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich. — Dana Gould

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants. — Dana Gould

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas. — Dana Gould

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow? — Dana Gould

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched. — Dana Gould

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family. — Dana Gould

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off. — Dana Gould

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino. — Dana Gould

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute. — Dana Gould

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb. — Dana Gould

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half? — Dana Gould

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store. — Dana Gould

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire. — Dana Gould

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad. — Dana Gould

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife. — Dana Gould

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger. — Dana Gould

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor? — Dana Gould

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis. — Dana Gould

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault. — Dana Gould

Life imitates art but art intimidates life. — Dana Gould

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load. — Dana Gould

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did. — Dana Gould

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down. — Dana Gould

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums. — Dana Gould

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management. — Dana Gould

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place? — Dana Gould

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning. — Dana Gould

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it. — Dana Gould

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up. — Dana Gould

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey. — Dana Gould

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously. — Dana Gould

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly. — Dana Gould

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working. — Dana Gould

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs. — Dana Gould

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes! — Dana Gould

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse. — Dana Gould

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels ... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone. — Dana Gould

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping ... — Dana Gould

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me. — Dana Gould

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog ... — Dana Gould

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise. — Dana Gould

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home! — Dana Gould

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures. — Dana Gould

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts. — Dana Gould

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'. — Dana Gould

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago. — Dana Gould

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear. — Dana Gould

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo! — Dana Gould

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes. — Dana Gould

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights. — Dana Gould

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions. — Dana Gould

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother. — Dana Gould

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in. — Dana Gould

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right? — Dana Gould

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond! — Dana Gould

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you? — Dana Gould

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers. — Dana Gould

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding. — Dana Gould

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort. — Dana Gould

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison. — Dana Gould

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line. — Dana Gould

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics. — Dana Gould

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke. — Dana Gould

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque. — Dana Gould

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show. — Dana Gould

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes. — Dana Gould

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me! — Dana Gould