Colin Quinn Quotes & Sayings

Even a guy like Jim Norton is clinging to his one empty tradition like anyone gives a care. My prayers for his death, as always, went unanswered. — Colin Quinn

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. — Colin Quinn

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things. — Colin Quinn

You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers. — Colin Quinn

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any. — Colin Quinn

The Senate was holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, making them think they're going to get a bunch of money, when in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security. — Colin Quinn

I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian. — Colin Quinn

Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles. — Colin Quinn

I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian. — Colin Quinn

I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America. — Colin Quinn

I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them. — Colin Quinn

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them. — Colin Quinn

Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting. — Colin Quinn

If I had to give up everything else and keep just one aspect of the job, I'd have to keep writing because I love it. Yes, I enjoy performing, too. But I couldn't give up writing material. — Colin Quinn

With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs. — Colin Quinn

A few years back, they jacked David Copperfield in West Palm Beach, for Chrissake. Yes, it's funny: "Yo, empty your pockets," and he pulls out a bunny rabbit. But it's also depressing. If someone who can make himself disappear isn't safe, who is? — Colin Quinn

It's sad. Marxism didn't work. Communism didn't work. Capitalism doesn't work. Nothing works. Even democracy doesn't work. Democracy-the greatest form of government and we have two choices for who's our leader. In fascism you only have one choice. That's great. We have one more choice than the worst form of government. — Colin Quinn

Well ... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there. — Colin Quinn

People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper. — Colin Quinn

You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody. — Colin Quinn

The races are like America's children. White people are the firstborn, so they were Dad's favorite. Black people are the second kids, the abused ones, so they still hate Dad. Latinos are the third, caught in the middle and always trying to make peace between the other siblings. Asians are the youngest, and get good marks in school, but basically are just trying to keep their heads down and not get involved. And Native Americans are the old uncle who owns a house and everyone else in the family was like, "He's not using that! Let's move in! — Colin Quinn

My name has zero value. — Colin Quinn

The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests. — Colin Quinn

The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems. — Colin Quinn

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it. — Colin Quinn

Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type. — Colin Quinn

A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My standup isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen. — Colin Quinn

I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it. — Colin Quinn

The Vikings thought they were big shots because they had boats. You know how obnoxious people get when they own a boat. They always want to go on the boat. "We're taking the boat out this weekend. It's supposed to be beautiful. Why don't you come? You never come. You're always working. You know how many people wish they would get invited to come on the boat? And you turn it down. — Colin Quinn

I think the world honestly would be a much healthier place if instead of trying to find rationalizations for our bad behavior we would just say, "I was an asshole. Sure, there were reasons behind it, but that doesn't matter. — Colin Quinn

I like guy stuff. — Colin Quinn

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different. — Colin Quinn

You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything. — Colin Quinn

My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in. — Colin Quinn

Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are. — Colin Quinn

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her. — Colin Quinn

I'm not a big method actor. I'm much more superficial. — Colin Quinn

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation. — Colin Quinn

A lot of lip service gets paid to being honest, but no one really wants to hear it unless what's being said is the party line. — Colin Quinn

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand. — Colin Quinn

I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself. — Colin Quinn

People say history was written by the winners. No, it wasn't. It was written by the bullies. — Colin Quinn

That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky. — Colin Quinn

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit. — Colin Quinn

I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write. — Colin Quinn

I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ. — Colin Quinn

For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor. — Colin Quinn

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult. — Colin Quinn

To be American is to long for whatever our parents fled. — Colin Quinn

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either. — Colin Quinn

Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves. — Colin Quinn

When I look back now I realize I was such an obnoxious kid but, you know, I went to schools like you, like a public school in New York so compared to the anarchy that was going on there, they really wouldn't - I wasn't like a bad kid. I saw people come in and punch the teachers. — Colin Quinn

It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything. — Colin Quinn

New York Stat agreed to pay $12 million to settle a lawsuit filed three decades ago by inmates swept up in the bloody 1971 revolt at Attica prison. The settlement will be paid in the form of chocolate bars and packs of Newports that can be picked up in the commissary. — Colin Quinn

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows. — Colin Quinn

I always wanted to write as much as perform. — Colin Quinn

I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway. — Colin Quinn

Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it. — Colin Quinn